[ theyβre suddenly intertwined, an unexpected surprise that fills him with a careful sort of thrill, like he canβt quite believe his fortune. kaz wants this β something he knows and yet still feels hesitant about when he overthinks it, which is often. thereβs more at stake here than a lost partnership or a failed job. heβs intimately aware of the damage he could do β damage he did do, damage he hopes can remain undone β to a fragile want such as this. one more misstep and kaz may not allow him back in. worse than that is that he may not allow anyone in. it fills him with dread, sometimes, when he considers his track record for holding onto anything important. itβs abysmal, and he wants to tell him so, to give him some warning that though he plays this part with reckless confidence, in the end he knows that this could slip through his fingers just as everything else has β only if he fumbles this, he could be the reason kaz closes himself off once again. the thought leaves him cold. and he thinks it dozens of times a day.
the touch at his ribs brings him back, the answer to his question. when was the last time kaz might have been afraid of dying? when was the last time you were? his breath catches when kaz reaches the still-tender part of his ribs, a reminder of their near demise just a few short days ago. at least he's healing better than kaz, his shoulder still festering with the darkness nikolai embedded beneath his skin. another thing to be careful of. another reminder of why he shouldn't risk this at all. ]
A very practical approach to attempted murder. [ he won't do him the disservice of pity, meeting kaz's fleeting glance evenly, happy to swallow down the hitches in his breath. life has not been kind to him, but it's made him the man he's currently finding great pleasure in kissing, for better or for worse β and the fact that he can do this at all means that life hasn't sucked all of the hope from him yet. ] If you'd grown up with me in Ravka, you would've been drafted into the King's Army when times grew desperate and sent to your death in battle. I suppose prison at least offers the existence of scales to tip in your favor.
[ his mouth stills as if waiting for elaboration, then deepens the kiss when none comes. maybe it goes back to what he'd explained while nikolai stitched closed the wound across his ribs all those months ago. your stock is volatile. or maybe it's something else, something to do with that odd sensation that came the moment he first met kaz brekker and continued to flare up each time they had an unlawful rendezvous. the rush of adrenaline for the unknown. a new puzzle to silently pick apart in the vast stretches of time that separated them. the first time they'd met in the solarium nikolai was sure he was meeting with a highly-skilled thief and nothing more, but kaz had not only sussed him out in moments, but surprised him by not asking for wealth or status or power. he had to have known that asking to find the wraith's family also meant he was handing nikolai a weakness that he could exploit. he remembers amending his assessment of him from criminal prodigy with abnormally sharp cheekbones to as painfully human as the rest of us, just with abnormally sharp cheekbones.
kaz's teeth pulling at his lip draws a sigh out of him, his practiced smile crumbling before it can form. ] You don't want that weight. [ his eyes flutter open, taking in the dusky color across his cheeks, the slick wetness on his fingers. he's never put into words all that he's lost, doesn't even know if he can. ] I don't know that it counts as loss if it's mostly self-made. I believe it falls under learning experience, then. I always did need my lessons to be hands-on.
[ what does it mean that he would keep them? he watches the stutter of his breath, feels the tremor that passes through him. not even his own melancholia can keep his smile away a second time, kaz's taut confession paired with the sudden motion of his hand knocking loose a startled, breathless laugh. it's the first time he's given real voice to an opinion regarding his own desires. ]
I do. I'm rather curious to see how much you can take. [ pleasure and guilt coil together, his eyes briefly pressing shut around an uneven groan before he leans into a messy kiss, hips pushing into kaz's hand. he tightens his fingers, stroking kaz roughly, watching him with hazy eyes. ] I like how you feel in my mouth. In my hand. When you're wet and needy. I just like how you feel. Saints, I could watch you fall apart a hundred times and still want more. Will you keep touching me, just like that? Touch me the way you would touch yourself. I want to know.
no subject
the touch at his ribs brings him back, the answer to his question. when was the last time kaz might have been afraid of dying? when was the last time you were? his breath catches when kaz reaches the still-tender part of his ribs, a reminder of their near demise just a few short days ago. at least he's healing better than kaz, his shoulder still festering with the darkness nikolai embedded beneath his skin. another thing to be careful of. another reminder of why he shouldn't risk this at all. ]
A very practical approach to attempted murder. [ he won't do him the disservice of pity, meeting kaz's fleeting glance evenly, happy to swallow down the hitches in his breath. life has not been kind to him, but it's made him the man he's currently finding great pleasure in kissing, for better or for worse β and the fact that he can do this at all means that life hasn't sucked all of the hope from him yet. ] If you'd grown up with me in Ravka, you would've been drafted into the King's Army when times grew desperate and sent to your death in battle. I suppose prison at least offers the existence of scales to tip in your favor.
[ his mouth stills as if waiting for elaboration, then deepens the kiss when none comes. maybe it goes back to what he'd explained while nikolai stitched closed the wound across his ribs all those months ago. your stock is volatile. or maybe it's something else, something to do with that odd sensation that came the moment he first met kaz brekker and continued to flare up each time they had an unlawful rendezvous. the rush of adrenaline for the unknown. a new puzzle to silently pick apart in the vast stretches of time that separated them. the first time they'd met in the solarium nikolai was sure he was meeting with a highly-skilled thief and nothing more, but kaz had not only sussed him out in moments, but surprised him by not asking for wealth or status or power. he had to have known that asking to find the wraith's family also meant he was handing nikolai a weakness that he could exploit. he remembers amending his assessment of him from criminal prodigy with abnormally sharp cheekbones to as painfully human as the rest of us, just with abnormally sharp cheekbones.
kaz's teeth pulling at his lip draws a sigh out of him, his practiced smile crumbling before it can form. ] You don't want that weight. [ his eyes flutter open, taking in the dusky color across his cheeks, the slick wetness on his fingers. he's never put into words all that he's lost, doesn't even know if he can. ] I don't know that it counts as loss if it's mostly self-made. I believe it falls under learning experience, then. I always did need my lessons to be hands-on.
[ what does it mean that he would keep them? he watches the stutter of his breath, feels the tremor that passes through him. not even his own melancholia can keep his smile away a second time, kaz's taut confession paired with the sudden motion of his hand knocking loose a startled, breathless laugh. it's the first time he's given real voice to an opinion regarding his own desires. ]
I do. I'm rather curious to see how much you can take. [ pleasure and guilt coil together, his eyes briefly pressing shut around an uneven groan before he leans into a messy kiss, hips pushing into kaz's hand. he tightens his fingers, stroking kaz roughly, watching him with hazy eyes. ] I like how you feel in my mouth. In my hand. When you're wet and needy. I just like how you feel. Saints, I could watch you fall apart a hundred times and still want more. Will you keep touching me, just like that? Touch me the way you would touch yourself. I want to know.