[ despite his confession, kaz knows a boy like him can’t stay in nikolai's light. regardless of the mission and any shared feelings — even if nikolai were as ordinary as his dreams — kaz’s devotion to his city, his gang, his work with inej are anything but. he remains a monster of a different kind. you can’t keep people. he certainly never had the hands required to hold onto anything. it still hurts, to hear nikolai acknowledge that impossibility, hidden by the persistence of a second kiss and then a third. neither of them is rich in hope, but kaz — he has faith nikolai can pull himself out of the darkness swallowing his head and heart, despite all evidence to the contrary (including the scars stitched into his skin). that’s the thing about faith. you offer it before someone earns it, otherwise it isn’t faith at all. nikolai may never rid himself of the demon, but he will control it again. isn't that all anyone can do with the worst parts of themselves?
kaz feels the tremor in his hand and hears the shortness of his breath, unsure whether he should be insulted nikolai has chosen brandy over closeness. suddenly, it’s impossible not to think of how nikolai had stumbled upon entering this room. it strikes him, then, that nikolai has been unravelling quicker than he thought while he was busy sulking. his stomach flips. focus split, he only realises what nikolai means to do as it’s happening, brows arching high as he winds an arm around nikolai’s shoulders in turn.
come to ravka with me. a shudder overtakes him, either from the request or the brush of nikolai’s mouth. captivating though it is, it’s a boy’s fantasy — a prince’s, too. kaz hasn’t wanted for an ordinary life since the rietveld brothers (nobodies, pigeons) drowned in the harbour. he wouldn't know what to do in ravka, with nothing to occupy him but nikolai, even for a short while (hardly knows what to do now, in his own damn bed). still, he probably looks as stupidly infatuated as he feels, with the romantic possibilities lancing through the black tide of his thoughts. his features slacken as he thinks, you fancy me? stalling on his answer, his eyes squeeze shut, then crack open. ]
[ quiet but sure. ] Ask me again in the morning, and I’ll say yes. [ his mouth hooks high on one side. ] On my word as a liar and a thief, I’ll swim in some Ravkan lake and steal from your ancestral home. [ if nikolai remembers, if he still wants it by sunrise. rather than explain the wait, he kisses nikolai with purpose, open and hungry, and tugs him flush, bypassing a vision of the dead. ask me again, when i’ve found you that miserable heart tempts his tongue. he already ran the odds. kaz will do whatever it takes to retrieve the damned relic; nikolai won’t. that’s easy maths. another disagreement will separate them before he ever has to make good on this promise.
and if nikolai doesn’t ask, well, kaz won’t hold this troubled boy to his tipsy, sleep-deprived, desperate wants. already made that mistake on the beach. he won’t repeat it, even if he’s the same heartsick fool. barely dulled by his single drink, he allows his own version of nikolai’s fantasy to form before letting it go. entwined fingers, the sound of nikolai’s true laugh, more nights as close as this — a few days wouldn’t be enough for you. thieves always want more. it’s hard enough to stop kissing nikolai whenever they start.
his hold firms, fitting his other hand between them to roll nikolai onto his back and swiftly straddle him at the waist. inevitably, his knees ache, but the shift is better than leaving his legs extended for too long, and it banishes the corpses momentarily. kaz gathers nikolai’s hands, gently pressing his wrists above his head as he leans over him. ]
[ not unkindly, ] You can’t sleep here, but you can rest. You will. [ a beat for that demand to settle. the angle and sharpness of his face emphasise his severe lines. ] Move however feels good, touch me if that’s what you want, [ releasing his wrists, kaz cups his face instead, fingers fanned out like nikolai is a precious thing. ] but all I want is to touch you, and for you to let me.
[ another needy kiss before he tips off-centre, mouthing over and under nikolai’s jaw, lingering in the hollow of his throat. the hand on his good side fists in the sheets, shouldering the weight so the other can ruck up nikolai’s shirt. they might not make it as far as os alta together, but he has nikolai in his room tonight. kaz knows to seize the bird in hand. always. ]
no subject
kaz feels the tremor in his hand and hears the shortness of his breath, unsure whether he should be insulted nikolai has chosen brandy over closeness. suddenly, it’s impossible not to think of how nikolai had stumbled upon entering this room. it strikes him, then, that nikolai has been unravelling quicker than he thought while he was busy sulking. his stomach flips. focus split, he only realises what nikolai means to do as it’s happening, brows arching high as he winds an arm around nikolai’s shoulders in turn.
come to ravka with me. a shudder overtakes him, either from the request or the brush of nikolai’s mouth. captivating though it is, it’s a boy’s fantasy — a prince’s, too. kaz hasn’t wanted for an ordinary life since the rietveld brothers (nobodies, pigeons) drowned in the harbour. he wouldn't know what to do in ravka, with nothing to occupy him but nikolai, even for a short while (hardly knows what to do now, in his own damn bed). still, he probably looks as stupidly infatuated as he feels, with the romantic possibilities lancing through the black tide of his thoughts. his features slacken as he thinks, you fancy me? stalling on his answer, his eyes squeeze shut, then crack open. ]
[ quiet but sure. ] Ask me again in the morning, and I’ll say yes. [ his mouth hooks high on one side. ] On my word as a liar and a thief, I’ll swim in some Ravkan lake and steal from your ancestral home. [ if nikolai remembers, if he still wants it by sunrise. rather than explain the wait, he kisses nikolai with purpose, open and hungry, and tugs him flush, bypassing a vision of the dead. ask me again, when i’ve found you that miserable heart tempts his tongue. he already ran the odds. kaz will do whatever it takes to retrieve the damned relic; nikolai won’t. that’s easy maths. another disagreement will separate them before he ever has to make good on this promise.
and if nikolai doesn’t ask, well, kaz won’t hold this troubled boy to his tipsy, sleep-deprived, desperate wants. already made that mistake on the beach. he won’t repeat it, even if he’s the same heartsick fool. barely dulled by his single drink, he allows his own version of nikolai’s fantasy to form before letting it go. entwined fingers, the sound of nikolai’s true laugh, more nights as close as this — a few days wouldn’t be enough for you. thieves always want more. it’s hard enough to stop kissing nikolai whenever they start.
his hold firms, fitting his other hand between them to roll nikolai onto his back and swiftly straddle him at the waist. inevitably, his knees ache, but the shift is better than leaving his legs extended for too long, and it banishes the corpses momentarily. kaz gathers nikolai’s hands, gently pressing his wrists above his head as he leans over him. ]
[ not unkindly, ] You can’t sleep here, but you can rest. You will. [ a beat for that demand to settle. the angle and sharpness of his face emphasise his severe lines. ] Move however feels good, touch me if that’s what you want, [ releasing his wrists, kaz cups his face instead, fingers fanned out like nikolai is a precious thing. ] but all I want is to touch you, and for you to let me.
[ another needy kiss before he tips off-centre, mouthing over and under nikolai’s jaw, lingering in the hollow of his throat. the hand on his good side fists in the sheets, shouldering the weight so the other can ruck up nikolai’s shirt. they might not make it as far as os alta together, but he has nikolai in his room tonight. kaz knows to seize the bird in hand. always. ]