[ he knows he's being reckless with a fine line, that kaz brekker showing up out of the blue during one of his darkest moments is a thing that should be handled with gratitude and grace, and yet he can't help picking at this thread of destruction, tugging a little more each day and still tugging now. he shouldn't. if kaz has found some kind of balance between the dark isolation he found him in and the tentative contact he reaches for now, it's only a good thing. but nikolai is always hungry, never satisfied, forever curious for more. it's one of the things he's come to despise about himself. ]
A torrid love affair might do you well, Brekker. [ their gaze holds, lingering, nikolai's mouth curving into a sweet smile. he wouldn't be surprised if he found a knife wedged somewhere in his throat. glass in hand, he grazes the edge of his knuckles down kaz's knee, feels a simmer of warmth down his spine. imagines pressing his hand between his legs and coaxing him to life through his trousers. would he push him away? maybe if he keeps talking. he tries to temper the flash of jealousy in his eyes, his heart at odds with his mouth. but kaz should be pushed, even if it's away. ] I'd be curious to see if you can withstand something different.
[ regret sours his tongue once his back is turned, sipping morosely at his drink. if kaz wasn't born in ketterdam, then where? his mind hits a snag, wanting desperately to ask, but knowing he won't be graced with an answer. not yet. perhaps he can earn one. the sunlight bothers him suddenly, his mood darkening. the palace feels stifling, a sprawling, luxury prison. he wanders the grounds less and less as the weeks wear on, barred from leaving the gates, his quarters having become his entire world as of late. tolya will join him for chess or tea, tamar will drag him out to spar, but all he does with zoya lately is argue. he is mostly left alone to his morbid thoughts, except now there's kaz, asking for a reason to stay. nikolai has dozens to give him. so i can hold you. so i can kiss you. because i feel so alone. so i can spend my last days with you. because i still have to take you for a swim and show you that you don't have to be afraid.
but he says none of these things, squaring his shoulders, letting the timid softness bleed away. ] I want you to stay. But not if you're taking that damned job Zoya's attempting to pin onto you. And yes, I know she likely threatened to crush your lungs like hollow gourds if you spoke of it, but I already know she wants my captors dead. Why she asked you, of all people β [ another pause, another snag. why did she ask brekker? he looks at him again, this time uncertain. in private conversation with zoya he'd confessed to nearly everything upon his return to ravka, including a vague sort of closeness with brekker, although she'd sussed most of that out herself. his eyes drop to his tattoo, his bared skin, wondering if he touched him if he would find him warm. he shakes the thought away. can it be because of this? because zoya is tired of arguing his point and so she thought kaz might change his mind?
he circles further back at kaz's behest, suddenly presented with a wall of sound logic that he immediately doesn't want to hear. he finishes his glass again and splashes more brandy into it, then pinches the bridge of his nose until the room is quiet once more. ]
Finished? [ there's an edge to his tone. a thought dislodges from the back of his mind, one that dampens his spirits considerably. he won't want to stay. this might be the last time he sees him β the real last time. he steals a glance, trying to commit to memory this new picture of him in his chambers, perched on his desk. something he never thought he'd see. ] Casting blame on others changes nothing, Brekker. We've dealt with the victims of the khergud program. They've suffered punishment enough to last lifetimes. Let Nina show mercy to her drΓΌskelle as she sees fit. And you β you weren't my kidnapper or my keeper. Don't be daft. I killed my own people. People I took an oath to serve and protect. I... you can't understand. I remember everything I did. I can never β [ he inhales tightly, looking away. ] Is it so preposterous that those who want justice should be allowed to have it? Maybe my captors didn't go about it in the right or lawful way, but I understand why they did it. Precisely because of this. Because the law has always bowed to rank and status. They knew the crown would protect me and that I wouldn't suffer a scratch for what I'd done.
[ a ragged breath fills his lungs, his glass shaking before he steadies his hand, eyes closing briefly against the screams in his head, the hot rush of blood in his mouth. he takes another drink, throat bobbing. then, strained, ] And not a single one of you will hear what I'm saying.
no subject
A torrid love affair might do you well, Brekker. [ their gaze holds, lingering, nikolai's mouth curving into a sweet smile. he wouldn't be surprised if he found a knife wedged somewhere in his throat. glass in hand, he grazes the edge of his knuckles down kaz's knee, feels a simmer of warmth down his spine. imagines pressing his hand between his legs and coaxing him to life through his trousers. would he push him away? maybe if he keeps talking. he tries to temper the flash of jealousy in his eyes, his heart at odds with his mouth. but kaz should be pushed, even if it's away. ] I'd be curious to see if you can withstand something different.
[ regret sours his tongue once his back is turned, sipping morosely at his drink. if kaz wasn't born in ketterdam, then where? his mind hits a snag, wanting desperately to ask, but knowing he won't be graced with an answer. not yet. perhaps he can earn one. the sunlight bothers him suddenly, his mood darkening. the palace feels stifling, a sprawling, luxury prison. he wanders the grounds less and less as the weeks wear on, barred from leaving the gates, his quarters having become his entire world as of late. tolya will join him for chess or tea, tamar will drag him out to spar, but all he does with zoya lately is argue. he is mostly left alone to his morbid thoughts, except now there's kaz, asking for a reason to stay. nikolai has dozens to give him. so i can hold you. so i can kiss you. because i feel so alone. so i can spend my last days with you. because i still have to take you for a swim and show you that you don't have to be afraid.
but he says none of these things, squaring his shoulders, letting the timid softness bleed away. ] I want you to stay. But not if you're taking that damned job Zoya's attempting to pin onto you. And yes, I know she likely threatened to crush your lungs like hollow gourds if you spoke of it, but I already know she wants my captors dead. Why she asked you, of all people β [ another pause, another snag. why did she ask brekker? he looks at him again, this time uncertain. in private conversation with zoya he'd confessed to nearly everything upon his return to ravka, including a vague sort of closeness with brekker, although she'd sussed most of that out herself. his eyes drop to his tattoo, his bared skin, wondering if he touched him if he would find him warm. he shakes the thought away. can it be because of this? because zoya is tired of arguing his point and so she thought kaz might change his mind?
he circles further back at kaz's behest, suddenly presented with a wall of sound logic that he immediately doesn't want to hear. he finishes his glass again and splashes more brandy into it, then pinches the bridge of his nose until the room is quiet once more. ]
Finished? [ there's an edge to his tone. a thought dislodges from the back of his mind, one that dampens his spirits considerably. he won't want to stay. this might be the last time he sees him β the real last time. he steals a glance, trying to commit to memory this new picture of him in his chambers, perched on his desk. something he never thought he'd see. ] Casting blame on others changes nothing, Brekker. We've dealt with the victims of the khergud program. They've suffered punishment enough to last lifetimes. Let Nina show mercy to her drΓΌskelle as she sees fit. And you β you weren't my kidnapper or my keeper. Don't be daft. I killed my own people. People I took an oath to serve and protect. I... you can't understand. I remember everything I did. I can never β [ he inhales tightly, looking away. ] Is it so preposterous that those who want justice should be allowed to have it? Maybe my captors didn't go about it in the right or lawful way, but I understand why they did it. Precisely because of this. Because the law has always bowed to rank and status. They knew the crown would protect me and that I wouldn't suffer a scratch for what I'd done.
[ a ragged breath fills his lungs, his glass shaking before he steadies his hand, eyes closing briefly against the screams in his head, the hot rush of blood in his mouth. he takes another drink, throat bobbing. then, strained, ] And not a single one of you will hear what I'm saying.