If you're no butcher, then don't take the job. [ the very thought leaves him unsettled, of kaz hunting down his would-be murderers and exacting some twisted form of justice at behest of the crown. kaz has already risked life and limb to get the heart for him. he doesn't want him running any other foolhardy jobs on his behalf. ] Those men can't be blamed for doing what they did, and they shouldn't be hunted like animals for it. I asked Zoya to pardon them, and if I need to put a gun to my head to get her to agree, then I will. She's impervious to my charm, you know.
[ he wants to backtrack and touch kaz the right way, the way he's thought about for all the time they've been apart, but he puts space between them instead, playing back the way kaz's muscles had stiffened against his knuckles over and over again in his head. when was the last time he had that reaction? maybe the very first time when he was stitching him up, when kaz was confessing to his aversions. it feels like a lifetime ago, a sea of warmer touches between it, kaz curling into his hand, eager for more. should he open that door again? he can't. it will only hurt more when he has to shut it for good. ]
They might be satisfied if I give them a very grand death. A spectacle. I think I'd be quite good at that. [ guilt pulls at him as he says it, turning away at kaz's words. i very much understand what itβs like to lose someone. would he put him through it again? he tilts his glass back, swallowing the remains before dropping into a broad armchair, rubbing a hand over his eyes. his head is starting to ache either from mixing brandy with genya's draughts, or from this conversation. you're punishing yourself. he scoffs. ] Should I be doing something else after committing crimes unspeakable against my country?
[ he freezes, then, his gaze veering sharply toward kaz, standing steps away from his desk now. his words burrow into some hurt place inside of him and grow roots as quick as zoya's lightning, too quick for him to dig them out. a victim. he stifles the urge to throw his empty glass at kaz's head, barking out an abrupt laugh to hide the flash of pain that streaks through him. is that how kaz sees him? as a botched experiment like the unfortunate grisha turned khergud? is that what he is? he rakes his fingers through his hair, slumping down as he traces the stitches lining his face, his glass dangling from one hand before he lets it drop to the floor with a thud, rolling several paces away. a heavy sigh sinks his chest. ]
Go, then. I didn't ask for you. [ his eyes slip shut, a barrage of memories fighting to break free. open skies around him, blood spilling down his throat, the give of flesh beneath his claws, kaz's warm lips against his mouth. his brow tightens. ] Only in my dreams. The ones that aren't nightmares. In the ones where I'm still β [ another snag. his mind swims, the room tilting when his lashes flutter open. tries to sit up, but his body feels heavy. no. he doesn't want to waste this time he has because he doesn't know how long kaz will stay. not long, with the way he's speaking to him. ] In the ones where I'm still a prince, and only a moderate amount of people want me dead, and you and I still β [ have each other. if they ever did. ] Spent time in the sun.
[ he searches for kaz's gaze with some difficulty, but his stare is piercing once it finds its mark. he turns his palm up. ] Come here?
no subject
[ he wants to backtrack and touch kaz the right way, the way he's thought about for all the time they've been apart, but he puts space between them instead, playing back the way kaz's muscles had stiffened against his knuckles over and over again in his head. when was the last time he had that reaction? maybe the very first time when he was stitching him up, when kaz was confessing to his aversions. it feels like a lifetime ago, a sea of warmer touches between it, kaz curling into his hand, eager for more. should he open that door again? he can't. it will only hurt more when he has to shut it for good. ]
They might be satisfied if I give them a very grand death. A spectacle. I think I'd be quite good at that. [ guilt pulls at him as he says it, turning away at kaz's words. i very much understand what itβs like to lose someone. would he put him through it again? he tilts his glass back, swallowing the remains before dropping into a broad armchair, rubbing a hand over his eyes. his head is starting to ache either from mixing brandy with genya's draughts, or from this conversation. you're punishing yourself. he scoffs. ] Should I be doing something else after committing crimes unspeakable against my country?
[ he freezes, then, his gaze veering sharply toward kaz, standing steps away from his desk now. his words burrow into some hurt place inside of him and grow roots as quick as zoya's lightning, too quick for him to dig them out. a victim. he stifles the urge to throw his empty glass at kaz's head, barking out an abrupt laugh to hide the flash of pain that streaks through him. is that how kaz sees him? as a botched experiment like the unfortunate grisha turned khergud? is that what he is? he rakes his fingers through his hair, slumping down as he traces the stitches lining his face, his glass dangling from one hand before he lets it drop to the floor with a thud, rolling several paces away. a heavy sigh sinks his chest. ]
Go, then. I didn't ask for you. [ his eyes slip shut, a barrage of memories fighting to break free. open skies around him, blood spilling down his throat, the give of flesh beneath his claws, kaz's warm lips against his mouth. his brow tightens. ] Only in my dreams. The ones that aren't nightmares. In the ones where I'm still β [ another snag. his mind swims, the room tilting when his lashes flutter open. tries to sit up, but his body feels heavy. no. he doesn't want to waste this time he has because he doesn't know how long kaz will stay. not long, with the way he's speaking to him. ] In the ones where I'm still a prince, and only a moderate amount of people want me dead, and you and I still β [ have each other. if they ever did. ] Spent time in the sun.
[ he searches for kaz's gaze with some difficulty, but his stare is piercing once it finds its mark. he turns his palm up. ] Come here?