[ the sickness hadn’t been as bad with nikolai before, certainly not the last time they were together. and it hadn’t been overwhelming in ketterdam, either, not the day jesper stretched an arm across his shoulders and kaz allowed him to keep it there for the length of their walk. it’s because you don’t trust him. not the way he trusts inej and jesper, not right now, with his movements as unpredictable as a spin of makker's wheel. it’s more like the last time he drowned in this, surrounded on all sides by the unbearable heat of human bodies and called forth by inej’s words, even as they stutter from another’s mouth. he should have seen her before he came here. she might have known what to do without him telling her a damn thing. after this, he’ll write her. routing out slavers might do him good after this messy affair.
his skin burns as nikolai handles him. you need to leave. but that would require standing — not to mention reneging on the deal he made with nikolai at the start of that endless job and renewed in this very room. face pale and pupils dilated, kaz tips his head back to regard him with jagged curiosity. which nikolai is the one leaning over him now? one that wants him close, for whatever reason.
nikolai’s eyes blacken in answer. dinner it is, he thinks darkly, slipping the knife from his sleeve. at the point nikolai hits the desk, however, he sheathes it again. kaz pushes himself upright in the chair, though he very nearly regrets it, stomach flipping even without the pressure of nikolai’s bare skin on his. you can’t hold him through this. can’t hold anyone at all, but he can soldier on, as he always has.
his gaze follows nikolai as he slips his tie from his neck and lets it fall to his lap, wrinkled atop two buttons from his vest. the price of his various gambles tonight. not too bad a loss, all things considered, with but a dash of his own blood in his mouth. he cards a hand back through his hair, quick though it is to flop forward when he drops his arm to the side of the chair, open palm smushed into his cheek. again, he wonders who approaches him now — luckily, the wildness in nikolai’s eyes give him away.
years of honing his reflexes prompt him to grab for two of the sketches before they flutter away, squinting at them in the fading light. so these are the ghosts that haunt nikolai. the child and its toy give him pause, pulling disparate threads in his mind. he and jordie left alone in the city. rollins’ little pigeon with his wind-up toy that kaz rammed down his throat. ]
[ in a rough approximation of his usual dry tone — ] That was the plan. [ good to finally have you on board, lantsov. his mouth twists into a scowl. ] Before you bit me. [ like a feral dog. or a puppy, kneeling and bent into him, keenly aware it did wrong. kaz waits for the tell of another swing to cruelty, or for his own nausea to overtake him, rippling out from where nikolai clasps the knot of bone at his ankle. when the waters calm, he sighs and threads his gloved hand through nikolai’s hair. ]
They [ the royal they: zoya, tamar and tonya, genya and the rest of his crew. ] won’t let you out of their sight long enough to find anything. [ let alone people with reason to hasten him along to the end he so desires. ] I could help with that… but I usually make deals with men who intend to live long enough to see them through. [ still a touch green, the look on his face is no less cutting. if nikolai means to die, he’ll get no help from kaz with his unfinished business. ]
no subject
his skin burns as nikolai handles him. you need to leave. but that would require standing — not to mention reneging on the deal he made with nikolai at the start of that endless job and renewed in this very room. face pale and pupils dilated, kaz tips his head back to regard him with jagged curiosity. which nikolai is the one leaning over him now? one that wants him close, for whatever reason.
nikolai’s eyes blacken in answer. dinner it is, he thinks darkly, slipping the knife from his sleeve. at the point nikolai hits the desk, however, he sheathes it again. kaz pushes himself upright in the chair, though he very nearly regrets it, stomach flipping even without the pressure of nikolai’s bare skin on his. you can’t hold him through this. can’t hold anyone at all, but he can soldier on, as he always has.
his gaze follows nikolai as he slips his tie from his neck and lets it fall to his lap, wrinkled atop two buttons from his vest. the price of his various gambles tonight. not too bad a loss, all things considered, with but a dash of his own blood in his mouth. he cards a hand back through his hair, quick though it is to flop forward when he drops his arm to the side of the chair, open palm smushed into his cheek. again, he wonders who approaches him now — luckily, the wildness in nikolai’s eyes give him away.
years of honing his reflexes prompt him to grab for two of the sketches before they flutter away, squinting at them in the fading light. so these are the ghosts that haunt nikolai. the child and its toy give him pause, pulling disparate threads in his mind. he and jordie left alone in the city. rollins’ little pigeon with his wind-up toy that kaz rammed down his throat. ]
[ in a rough approximation of his usual dry tone — ] That was the plan. [ good to finally have you on board, lantsov. his mouth twists into a scowl. ] Before you bit me. [ like a feral dog. or a puppy, kneeling and bent into him, keenly aware it did wrong. kaz waits for the tell of another swing to cruelty, or for his own nausea to overtake him, rippling out from where nikolai clasps the knot of bone at his ankle. when the waters calm, he sighs and threads his gloved hand through nikolai’s hair. ]
They [ the royal they: zoya, tamar and tonya, genya and the rest of his crew. ] won’t let you out of their sight long enough to find anything. [ let alone people with reason to hasten him along to the end he so desires. ] I could help with that… but I usually make deals with men who intend to live long enough to see them through. [ still a touch green, the look on his face is no less cutting. if nikolai means to die, he’ll get no help from kaz with his unfinished business. ]