[ he'd have to ask. ask him to come back. ask for what he wants. he hasn't in all this time, hasn't even before this, before kaz, hasn't ever. it's not in the plan. it's never been in the plan. he doesn't even have a plan. his plan is to do whatever is required of him, and that's never left room to think about the things he wants, the things that have nothing to do with duty or country. someone you want in the daylight. he almost laughs aloud, and he has to withdraw his hand, not because he wants to, but because he can see how much this touch is costing kaz, thrown right back to the start. and nikolai is the one who put him there.
his fingertips linger around a tousled lock of his hair. his skin is still warm from his rudely awakened slumber, though sweat breaks out at his temples from — what? the strain of being near him? the pull of the water? nikolai slowly draws back, but doesn't go far, slipping the ring properly on his finger as if to answer the question of if he wants it, whether he'll wear it. kaz can steal it off him if he wants it back. ]
You told me that before. To ask for what I want. [ he fidgets with the box again before setting it between them. ] I've asked you that a dozen times and you've always answered. But I'm afraid I don't know how.
[ more painful honesty, words he'd rather leave unsaid but knows he shouldn't. a way to cut through the mire between them. he owes kaz this much. ]
What I want... [ he shakes his head. ] That's never been important. Not to any of us. Do you think Zoya wanted to be Queen? She was born for it, to be sure, and I believe wholeheartedly she is exactly what Ravka needs, but I foisted my crown upon her because there was no path in which I could hold onto it any longer. She will do what is required, just as I've been groomed my entire life to do. So when you ask me what I want... I've never put it into words. Frankly, I always thought I'd have forged a political marriage and produced an heir by now, but thankfully I'm an undesirable old cow now that I've confirmed the bastard rumors. I say that with genuine gratitude.
[ a pause as he swallows, then plunges on. ] This is a miserable place to be, isn't it? I've spent my entire life trying to make it something more, and yet we always end up in the dark. And — it's not that I don't want you in the daylight. It's just that the person you see now and the person I need to be when morning comes can't want the same things. And I'm afraid if I tell you the things I really feel that you'll — [ he looks away, eyes settling on the glow of the bone light. ] You were right to leave that night, but that doesn't mean I want you to do it again. You stated your terms, and I intend to stay within them.
[ he settles his arms on his knees, holding his hands out in the meager space between them, shadows flickering along the walls. the ring glints sharply in the light. he should keep this space empty, keep their tether disconnected, but it feels wrong to leave kaz like this, shuttered away, closed off. he relaxes his fingers, his scars even darker in the murky light. ]
No one touches my hands anymore. Not since — [ he almost expects his fingers to sharpen into long black tips, but his hands remain the same, veined with darkness down to his wrists. he focuses on the bright sapphire, steadies himself. ] Will you try? You don't have to hold them, but just — [ he turns his palms up, fingers gently curled. ] Try. I miss the feeling.
no subject
his fingertips linger around a tousled lock of his hair. his skin is still warm from his rudely awakened slumber, though sweat breaks out at his temples from — what? the strain of being near him? the pull of the water? nikolai slowly draws back, but doesn't go far, slipping the ring properly on his finger as if to answer the question of if he wants it, whether he'll wear it. kaz can steal it off him if he wants it back. ]
You told me that before. To ask for what I want. [ he fidgets with the box again before setting it between them. ] I've asked you that a dozen times and you've always answered. But I'm afraid I don't know how.
[ more painful honesty, words he'd rather leave unsaid but knows he shouldn't. a way to cut through the mire between them. he owes kaz this much. ]
What I want... [ he shakes his head. ] That's never been important. Not to any of us. Do you think Zoya wanted to be Queen? She was born for it, to be sure, and I believe wholeheartedly she is exactly what Ravka needs, but I foisted my crown upon her because there was no path in which I could hold onto it any longer. She will do what is required, just as I've been groomed my entire life to do. So when you ask me what I want... I've never put it into words. Frankly, I always thought I'd have forged a political marriage and produced an heir by now, but thankfully I'm an undesirable old cow now that I've confirmed the bastard rumors. I say that with genuine gratitude.
[ a pause as he swallows, then plunges on. ] This is a miserable place to be, isn't it? I've spent my entire life trying to make it something more, and yet we always end up in the dark. And — it's not that I don't want you in the daylight. It's just that the person you see now and the person I need to be when morning comes can't want the same things. And I'm afraid if I tell you the things I really feel that you'll — [ he looks away, eyes settling on the glow of the bone light. ] You were right to leave that night, but that doesn't mean I want you to do it again. You stated your terms, and I intend to stay within them.
[ he settles his arms on his knees, holding his hands out in the meager space between them, shadows flickering along the walls. the ring glints sharply in the light. he should keep this space empty, keep their tether disconnected, but it feels wrong to leave kaz like this, shuttered away, closed off. he relaxes his fingers, his scars even darker in the murky light. ]
No one touches my hands anymore. Not since — [ he almost expects his fingers to sharpen into long black tips, but his hands remain the same, veined with darkness down to his wrists. he focuses on the bright sapphire, steadies himself. ] Will you try? You don't have to hold them, but just — [ he turns his palms up, fingers gently curled. ] Try. I miss the feeling.