[ there. he can feel nikolai soften and draw closer in increments — the faint pressure at his waist surely his hand through the sheets, the breath at his neck warming the same spot nikolai marked as his twice over. ]
[ without hesitation, ] I’d tell you I already knew that, Nikolai. [ because i know you. not to mention, extracting that particular agreement while holding nikolai and zoya over a barrel invariably throws its strength into question. ] That if you died before I made it here, I’d charge Ravka double for wasting my time. [ he huffs a breath. ] And that you’d make for a hideous corpse. [ based on the flashes that invade his dreams and waking life. ] Try again. [ if he can’t, if he fails, if he thinks that’s enough of a threat to stop kaz brekker from dragging him back from hell with a black-gloved hand. ]
[ at the thought of nikolai never again in his arms, gone from this world, he tightens his hold. perhaps he fears that more than the rising waters, which already stole someone from him that he'll never get back. nikolai’s lashes kiss his skin, and he wants — he wants. nerves fizz in his stomach, either from the wanting or the consequences of having. when nikolai finally returns his touch, a soft sound escapes his mouth, the sensation like the jolt of ice on hot skin. no argument against his observations come, confirming their accuracy. nikolai wants him and wants to fix him, cutting through the fog of doubt. it’s his hand — gentle, blackened, untouched for so long — that fits into his hair as it did before. ]
I don’t. [ a beat. it takes audible effort to expel the words, stuck in his throat. ] I don’t want you to leave it alone. [ hypocrite, refusing to say what he wants unconditionally after asking for the same. ] Stay. [ he noses into the crook of nikolai's neck, swallowing hard. impossible to know what will happen if kaz kisses him. or what will happen if you don’t. ] Not as part of my terms or penance. Just — Stay.
[ nikolai’s rejection had been clear and repeated when they were last together. even if he was lying through his teeth, a part of him believes it would be better if this ended. now it’s up to him whether that part takes precedence over the ones that seem drawn to kaz again and again, or if it can be re-aligned with the rest of his person to serve the same goals.
it burns to think of that rejection and the ones that came before it in fjerda and novyi zem. his spine tenses as he anticipates another. you’re a stubborn fool, for chasing something he’ll never deserve, unable to show it enough light to ensure its survival. it might be that his own behaviour is what snapped their tether. frayed by every manipulative tactic and threat in his arsenal. he pushed too far, like he did in novyi zem — like he always does, greedy and uncompromising. maybe he'll never get the chance to try again.
he brushes his lips over nikolai’s pulse and waits for the storm. ]
no subject
[ without hesitation, ] I’d tell you I already knew that, Nikolai. [ because i know you. not to mention, extracting that particular agreement while holding nikolai and zoya over a barrel invariably throws its strength into question. ] That if you died before I made it here, I’d charge Ravka double for wasting my time. [ he huffs a breath. ] And that you’d make for a hideous corpse. [ based on the flashes that invade his dreams and waking life. ] Try again. [ if he can’t, if he fails, if he thinks that’s enough of a threat to stop kaz brekker from dragging him back from hell with a black-gloved hand. ]
[ at the thought of nikolai never again in his arms, gone from this world, he tightens his hold. perhaps he fears that more than the rising waters, which already stole someone from him that he'll never get back. nikolai’s lashes kiss his skin, and he wants — he wants. nerves fizz in his stomach, either from the wanting or the consequences of having. when nikolai finally returns his touch, a soft sound escapes his mouth, the sensation like the jolt of ice on hot skin. no argument against his observations come, confirming their accuracy. nikolai wants him and wants to fix him, cutting through the fog of doubt. it’s his hand — gentle, blackened, untouched for so long — that fits into his hair as it did before. ]
I don’t. [ a beat. it takes audible effort to expel the words, stuck in his throat. ] I don’t want you to leave it alone. [ hypocrite, refusing to say what he wants unconditionally after asking for the same. ] Stay. [ he noses into the crook of nikolai's neck, swallowing hard. impossible to know what will happen if kaz kisses him. or what will happen if you don’t. ] Not as part of my terms or penance. Just — Stay.
[ nikolai’s rejection had been clear and repeated when they were last together. even if he was lying through his teeth, a part of him believes it would be better if this ended. now it’s up to him whether that part takes precedence over the ones that seem drawn to kaz again and again, or if it can be re-aligned with the rest of his person to serve the same goals.
it burns to think of that rejection and the ones that came before it in fjerda and novyi zem. his spine tenses as he anticipates another. you’re a stubborn fool, for chasing something he’ll never deserve, unable to show it enough light to ensure its survival. it might be that his own behaviour is what snapped their tether. frayed by every manipulative tactic and threat in his arsenal. he pushed too far, like he did in novyi zem — like he always does, greedy and uncompromising. maybe he'll never get the chance to try again.
he brushes his lips over nikolai’s pulse and waits for the storm. ]