[ if there is a right answer, it’s the one nikolai gives. no, it wouldn’t be enough, not for either of them. their greediness surpasses what the world has to offer. ultimately, his other questions don’t warrant answers, not when nikolai would surely flatter his way out of any binding truths. kaz can make an educated guess based on the observable evidence, besides: nikolai wants him enough to come here in the night, to allow himself to be caught in his orbit repeatedly, to write him letters but never send them, to make him gifts and keep those to himself, too. that'll do, murky though it is.
better to move on than allow nikolai to ask how much? how long? in return. no job, however perilous, ever manages to lock nikolai out of his mind. time apart hasn’t dulled his want. his eyes crack and fix on nikolai’s red mouth. perfect for kissing. for false promises. for this, his moan vibrating over kaz’s cock. ]
Nikolai — [ an acknowledgement. a warning. he turns his head into his arm to muffle the sound nikolai wrings from him.
the sky or the sea. two places he’s never been fond of that nikolai loves and, therefore, have held his attention longer than they ever did before. (uncharacteristically clear harbour mornings, warm slivers of afternoon light, churning waves at the canals’ entrances.) all far from the overwhelming present, where his heels dig at nikolai’s muscled back.
when nikolai fumbles for his hand, kaz entwines their fingers. his clumsiness is a tell, but of what? nerves or need? next time? there’s a flash of the future nikolai wants most — or second most? always, somewhere at the back of his mind — neck bent under the weight of his corpse. he gasps, wide eyes searching for nikolai’s own but only finding his lashes, glistening against his freckled cheek. the sight plucks at whatever frayed string ties them together. okay.
however incomplete his understanding of nikolai is, it inevitably leads them back here. kaz focuses on that, the idea that it’s nikolai taking him apart, still wanting and not yet dead. as long as that’s true, he’ll keep them afloat. screwing his eyes shut, his thoughts collapse under nikolai’s keen attention. no waiting like the last time, no being told to ask for what he wants. perhaps he should offer some encouragement or urging of his own accord, but even that seems like too much with the heat rolling through him. he tightens his grip on nikolai’s hair to hold him still the way he did for kaz months ago, the first and only time he offered this to anyone in return.
a moan jolts from his throat, and he comes like that, legs trembling, heart rattling in the cavern of his chest. he’d almost forgotten what it feels like with nikolai — an indescribable rush, an impossible warmth. shuddering breaths hollow his chest. after a long moment, his gaze opens on the gilded ceiling, hand slackening in nikolai’s hair. ]
The sea will do. [ a low, airy thing. the ravkan submarines have piqued his interest since he heard whispers of them. always thought he’d nick the plans before ever being invited on board. it takes a few breaths to dampen the excitement flickering at the possibility. none of nikolai’s charmed tomorrows have come to pass. this one will be no different. ]
You’ll have to earn the next time. [ not quite teasing. he’ll want to see your eyes. the fair-weather sky. kaz finally looks up at him then, mouth quirking at one side despite his efforts. ]
no subject
better to move on than allow nikolai to ask how much? how long? in return. no job, however perilous, ever manages to lock nikolai out of his mind. time apart hasn’t dulled his want. his eyes crack and fix on nikolai’s red mouth. perfect for kissing. for false promises. for this, his moan vibrating over kaz’s cock. ]
Nikolai — [ an acknowledgement. a warning. he turns his head into his arm to muffle the sound nikolai wrings from him.
the sky or the sea. two places he’s never been fond of that nikolai loves and, therefore, have held his attention longer than they ever did before. (uncharacteristically clear harbour mornings, warm slivers of afternoon light, churning waves at the canals’ entrances.) all far from the overwhelming present, where his heels dig at nikolai’s muscled back.
when nikolai fumbles for his hand, kaz entwines their fingers. his clumsiness is a tell, but of what? nerves or need? next time? there’s a flash of the future nikolai wants most — or second most? always, somewhere at the back of his mind — neck bent under the weight of his corpse. he gasps, wide eyes searching for nikolai’s own but only finding his lashes, glistening against his freckled cheek. the sight plucks at whatever frayed string ties them together. okay.
however incomplete his understanding of nikolai is, it inevitably leads them back here. kaz focuses on that, the idea that it’s nikolai taking him apart, still wanting and not yet dead. as long as that’s true, he’ll keep them afloat. screwing his eyes shut, his thoughts collapse under nikolai’s keen attention. no waiting like the last time, no being told to ask for what he wants. perhaps he should offer some encouragement or urging of his own accord, but even that seems like too much with the heat rolling through him. he tightens his grip on nikolai’s hair to hold him still the way he did for kaz months ago, the first and only time he offered this to anyone in return.
a moan jolts from his throat, and he comes like that, legs trembling, heart rattling in the cavern of his chest. he’d almost forgotten what it feels like with nikolai — an indescribable rush, an impossible warmth. shuddering breaths hollow his chest. after a long moment, his gaze opens on the gilded ceiling, hand slackening in nikolai’s hair. ]
The sea will do. [ a low, airy thing. the ravkan submarines have piqued his interest since he heard whispers of them. always thought he’d nick the plans before ever being invited on board. it takes a few breaths to dampen the excitement flickering at the possibility. none of nikolai’s charmed tomorrows have come to pass. this one will be no different. ]
You’ll have to earn the next time. [ not quite teasing. he’ll want to see your eyes. the fair-weather sky. kaz finally looks up at him then, mouth quirking at one side despite his efforts. ]