[ it helps to keep their hands clasped, even as shame builds inside of him for ever saying he wouldn't. thinking of that night feels like stepping out of his own skin — something too familiar to him now, a sensation he wishes he could forget but knows he'll take to his grave. he focuses instead on the sensations in the present, on kaz's trembling muscles, on the sounds pulled from his chest. it's a thrill every time to have him this way, to know how little he's been touched and how much he should be. kaz spills into his mouth and he swallows it down, keeping him enveloped in his wet heat, soothing his tongue along his softening length while listening to the rise and fall of his breaths.

his eyes widen. the sea will do. is that a yes? he glances up, too eager, kaz's hand gentle in his hair. his heart skitters in his chest as he catches sight of his eyes, longing surging through him as he rises to press his mouth to his, sinking down beside him as his hand slides along kaz's hip, pulling him closer. stay. it’s in his kiss, in the way he holds him even if he doesn’t yet say it. he wants to reel his mind back, to keep himself in this moment instead of careening forward to the inevitability of when kaz is no longer here. you’ll have to earn the next time. there. something to focus on, something more to make right. a path to follow. ]

Then tell me you’ll stay. Give me more time to earn back your trust. Just — don’t leave me alone, not yet. [ his fingers sweep to kaz’s cheek, one arm locking around his waist. the words are out before he can think better of them, whispered into his mouth and chased with a kiss as if he can somehow take them back. he smiles to dull their precision, dangerously close to begging. to stop talking altogether might be the best course of action, but he supposes he would’ve figured out how to do that by now if he were capable of it.

his fingers pull through kaz’s hair, clearing his unruly locks from his eyes as he draws in a steadying breath and exhales around what he hopes sounds like an easy laugh. it feels wholly contrived, too tightly wound. his gaze slides away to the jagged fissures marking his hands, stark against kaz’s pale skin. in an instant he shuts it all out, leaning forward and pressing into another kiss, his eyes sliding closed. ]

Let’s go now. Tonight. [ he’s suddenly desperate to leave the palace, to take kaz while he has him, still afraid that this all might slip through his fingers quicker than he can blink. what will tomorrow bring? maybe he won’t be able to sway the people to forgive him, not when he hasn’t forgiven himself. maybe he’s not a convincing enough liar. he rolls kaz atop him, bracketing him securely between his knees. a sight he doesn’t see often, but kaz looks good above him, his hair slipping back down to frame the sharp angles of his face, his eyes piercing in the dim light. the sheets tangle beneath them. he sighs out a breath, his heart beating too fast, mind racing too quickly. nerves for tomorrow. nerves about this. restless exhaustion. he wishes he could sleep but knows he can’t, doesn’t really want to when it brings nothing but horror. it would steal this time away from him, away from kaz.

he traces the curve of kaz’s spine, fingers ghosting along each bony ridge, and flashes a quick smile. ] If you sell out my secret passageways to my secret laboratory, Sturmhond will have no choice but to come to Ketterdam and very loudly play the part of your jilted lover. He’s very good at prolonged theatrics, you know, and he can very easily become a nightly disturbance at the Crow Club. I hear he's very difficult to kill, too.