[ i'm here. a promise, a reassurance, something to hold onto. it's all kaz can give when he knows he can't stay. and it's no small thing either, to have kaz in his arms like this when mere months ago he could barely stand the touch of nikolai's fingers stitching up his wounds. this might have never happened if not for their pressurized time together aboard the volkvolny, despite his spiraling regrets for so much of what transpired there. his regrets trail him here, a shudder as kaz kisses down the line of his jaw, his fingers winding gently through his. he holds on, tightening his grip, eyes falling shut as his face tilts away. like he can somehow hide his shame. as if kaz hasn't seen every bit of it. not everything. there are still some things he stubbornly holds onto, that he maintains he can't remember. still things he won't do, like fall asleep here no matter how much he wants to. kaz has stripped himself bare, and he still won't. still can't. some things are simply inconceivable.
his answer gets caught somewhere in his throat — yes, yes, i've never wanted to be away from a place so badly in my life — kaz's tongue warm and wet against the planes of his stomach, butterfly wings taking flight beneath his skin — and then a sour scoff huffs from his lips. his keepers. he's had guards his whole life, but it feels decidedly different now. far more aggravating. a sparkle catches the light, his ring poised on kaz's slender — sneaky — finger. he resists the utterly foolish urge to look at his bare hand, wondering just when he'd slipped it off, how he hadn’t felt a thing. ]
Does this feel like a trap to you? [ he watches kaz carefully as he suddenly seems to flicker elsewhere, nestling atop his chest. it stills his movements, calms a bit of the disquiet rattling in his head. what is he thinking of? it’s the question that comes to him often when he catches a glimpse of kaz from across a room or — now, when he’s close and yet somewhere else, his mind just as busy as nikolai’s and yet his mannerisms betraying none of the malaise in his head, still as a sleeping serpent curled in its nest. a skill nikolai has never been able to master. even now his fingertips drum along the neat lines of kaz’s hip, sweeping higher to trace the tattoo at his bicep. ] Either way, you seem quite content to be in it.
[ it’s not. he came here with an embarrassing lack of logic or reason, nothing beyond the pull of loneliness and regret and longing stringing him along to kaz’s door. his hand nestles at the nape of kaz’s neck, blunt fingernails scratching along his cropped hair. every touch feels new, and he has to wonder if it is. has anyone touched him here? maybe this can be the reason he came here tonight, to offer something long overdue, something kaz deserves. because nikolai certainly does not deserve this, not with his sins piled so high that he can hardly see a way past them.
his fingertips glide across his cheek, touching the corner of his lips. he wants to leave the palace, wants to be in the silence of the deep underwater right now, but his submarines are just imagined monsters to most, and he can only assume kaz might be intrigued but less than eager to submerge himself to such watery depths. he almost lets it slip that the wraith has gotten a tour already, but he’s distracted by his mouth, two fingers pressing inside, his cock giving a twinge as they’re enveloped in soft, wet heat. ]
What have you done in this bed? [ he presses the pad of his fingers to kaz’s tongue, thinking of long nights alone during their bitter silence. was kaz too angry to even think of him, too hurt? had the long months spent apart before this dulled his memory of these stolen moments? so much has happened. so much that nikolai still struggles to find the words for. he pulls his fingers from kaz’s mouth and replaces them with a kiss, pushing his tongue past his lips and drawing his wet hand down between kaz’s legs, nudging them open. this, he can do, one wet finger gently coaxing kaz open. his mouth slides to his cheek. ] Tell me. Have you thought of me? Or have you only thought of murdering me?
no subject
his answer gets caught somewhere in his throat — yes, yes, i've never wanted to be away from a place so badly in my life — kaz's tongue warm and wet against the planes of his stomach, butterfly wings taking flight beneath his skin — and then a sour scoff huffs from his lips. his keepers. he's had guards his whole life, but it feels decidedly different now. far more aggravating. a sparkle catches the light, his ring poised on kaz's slender — sneaky — finger. he resists the utterly foolish urge to look at his bare hand, wondering just when he'd slipped it off, how he hadn’t felt a thing. ]
Does this feel like a trap to you? [ he watches kaz carefully as he suddenly seems to flicker elsewhere, nestling atop his chest. it stills his movements, calms a bit of the disquiet rattling in his head. what is he thinking of? it’s the question that comes to him often when he catches a glimpse of kaz from across a room or — now, when he’s close and yet somewhere else, his mind just as busy as nikolai’s and yet his mannerisms betraying none of the malaise in his head, still as a sleeping serpent curled in its nest. a skill nikolai has never been able to master. even now his fingertips drum along the neat lines of kaz’s hip, sweeping higher to trace the tattoo at his bicep. ] Either way, you seem quite content to be in it.
[ it’s not. he came here with an embarrassing lack of logic or reason, nothing beyond the pull of loneliness and regret and longing stringing him along to kaz’s door. his hand nestles at the nape of kaz’s neck, blunt fingernails scratching along his cropped hair. every touch feels new, and he has to wonder if it is. has anyone touched him here? maybe this can be the reason he came here tonight, to offer something long overdue, something kaz deserves. because nikolai certainly does not deserve this, not with his sins piled so high that he can hardly see a way past them.
his fingertips glide across his cheek, touching the corner of his lips. he wants to leave the palace, wants to be in the silence of the deep underwater right now, but his submarines are just imagined monsters to most, and he can only assume kaz might be intrigued but less than eager to submerge himself to such watery depths. he almost lets it slip that the wraith has gotten a tour already, but he’s distracted by his mouth, two fingers pressing inside, his cock giving a twinge as they’re enveloped in soft, wet heat. ]
What have you done in this bed? [ he presses the pad of his fingers to kaz’s tongue, thinking of long nights alone during their bitter silence. was kaz too angry to even think of him, too hurt? had the long months spent apart before this dulled his memory of these stolen moments? so much has happened. so much that nikolai still struggles to find the words for. he pulls his fingers from kaz’s mouth and replaces them with a kiss, pushing his tongue past his lips and drawing his wet hand down between kaz’s legs, nudging them open. this, he can do, one wet finger gently coaxing kaz open. his mouth slides to his cheek. ] Tell me. Have you thought of me? Or have you only thought of murdering me?