[ no, an icy blade that nearly nicks an artery. yes, of course. of a pair with you know i did. it occurs to him that their bond might not be so easily broken, with the way they both phrase things as inevitable, almost unalterable. even after depleting their stores of trust, nikolai is singular in some way, stubborn and persevering, penitent and wanting. but if not just like this, then how? a sound bursts from his throat and derails that line of questioning. kaz rocks into nikolai’s fist, clenching the finger inside him.
as nikolai pumps his cock, kaz half-buries another moan, louder and longer, into his neck. too sensitive and still coaxing back to hardness for nikolai. would do this as many times as he wanted, if it would keep them both here, grounded in mind and body. he scrapes his teeth down nikolai’s perfect jaw, darting up and soothing his mouth with a kiss when he stutters. those tender instincts that nikolai inspired of him aren’t gone, then, just rusted.
kaz nudges his nose and let’s their foreheads press together, shark’s eyes watching him at close range. can’t tame the fluttering in his chest any longer: nikolai thought of him as a comfort, something to have beside him during the nights he hates. and claims to have imagined him elsewhere, places too open and bright for this shadowy connection of theirs.
are you all right? a question so gentle that it strips him raw, nikolai’s hand burning sweetly at the small of his back. inside him, around him, an unmatched feeling of being held that he tried to forget so he could stand apart again. ]
I — yes. Wait. [ he leans to the side, pushing nikolai down in the process with a hand splayed against his sternum, and fumbles in his table for something. ] Give me your hand. [ the snick of a lid echoes tinny in the room before a metal pot is pressed into nikolai’s palm. perhaps he did more in this bed than even nikolai considered. cheeks warm, kaz slides his oil-slick hand down nikolai’s length and doubles back to swipe the moisture gathering at the tip. impossible to see between their bodies in the dark, but he knows it to be flushed and red just from taking care of him.
it’s the only comfort he can offer when he can’t — won’t allow himself to be caught in his devotion. doesn’t say i’ll always go back to ketterdam, so you’ll always know where to find me pushing the door wide open, hinting at the constancy he wants from someone he can barely hold onto in the moment. ]
You didn’t let go. [ a beat. ] You have me still. [ in ways that no else does. ] Tell me that’s what you want. [ again. greedy. ] Ask me to stay a little longer. [ because nikolai wants him, needs him. it doesn’t have to be more sentimental than that — it isn’t, he reminds himself. it doesn’t even have to true. it just needs drown out the nikolai who said the opposite, added to the chorus of voices in his head. contrary to how he tried to spin his ceaseless thoughts earlier (as expected, ordinary), even nikolai’s cruellest words refused to leave him. ]
no subject
as nikolai pumps his cock, kaz half-buries another moan, louder and longer, into his neck. too sensitive and still coaxing back to hardness for nikolai. would do this as many times as he wanted, if it would keep them both here, grounded in mind and body. he scrapes his teeth down nikolai’s perfect jaw, darting up and soothing his mouth with a kiss when he stutters. those tender instincts that nikolai inspired of him aren’t gone, then, just rusted.
kaz nudges his nose and let’s their foreheads press together, shark’s eyes watching him at close range. can’t tame the fluttering in his chest any longer: nikolai thought of him as a comfort, something to have beside him during the nights he hates. and claims to have imagined him elsewhere, places too open and bright for this shadowy connection of theirs.
are you all right? a question so gentle that it strips him raw, nikolai’s hand burning sweetly at the small of his back. inside him, around him, an unmatched feeling of being held that he tried to forget so he could stand apart again. ]
I — yes. Wait. [ he leans to the side, pushing nikolai down in the process with a hand splayed against his sternum, and fumbles in his table for something. ] Give me your hand. [ the snick of a lid echoes tinny in the room before a metal pot is pressed into nikolai’s palm. perhaps he did more in this bed than even nikolai considered. cheeks warm, kaz slides his oil-slick hand down nikolai’s length and doubles back to swipe the moisture gathering at the tip. impossible to see between their bodies in the dark, but he knows it to be flushed and red just from taking care of him.
it’s the only comfort he can offer when he can’t — won’t allow himself to be caught in his devotion. doesn’t say i’ll always go back to ketterdam, so you’ll always know where to find me pushing the door wide open, hinting at the constancy he wants from someone he can barely hold onto in the moment. ]
You didn’t let go. [ a beat. ] You have me still. [ in ways that no else does. ] Tell me that’s what you want. [ again. greedy. ] Ask me to stay a little longer. [ because nikolai wants him, needs him. it doesn’t have to be more sentimental than that — it isn’t, he reminds himself. it doesn’t even have to true. it just needs drown out the nikolai who said the opposite, added to the chorus of voices in his head. contrary to how he tried to spin his ceaseless thoughts earlier (as expected, ordinary), even nikolai’s cruellest words refused to leave him. ]