[ it's different this time than the last. of course it is. kaz had been relieved to see him whole and human in the fjerdan palace, and nikolai had been desperate for kaz's return after senselessly risking his life to retrieve the damnable heart. this time he hardly knows what kaz is feeling. doesn't even know if kaz really wanted him here in the first place. he's always heard that kaz brekker is a vengeful, unforgiving creature, a man that will tip your fortune toward death without batting an eye. it's not that he fears kaz will kill him — a truly spiteful man would never give in so easily — but that he might never be able to reach the bottom of the well of his hurt. kaz is certainly not going to offer him a gauge.
what is he thinking? he wants to ask every every time he looks at him, which is nearly every moment. the water? does he feel sick? is there disgust or longing roiling within him, or perhaps both? does he remember all the things nikolai said before, the things he said back on his ship, the good things, or is there just an echo of the lies he told him in his bedchambers? kaz's hard grip at his shoulder brings him back, nikolai's breath catching when he feels the arch of his back. he thinks he stops breathing altogether when kaz utters those two words. i'll stay. a promise. an obvious lie. no, not a lie. he'll stay. just not in the absurd way nikolai wants. he forces out a breathless smile. maybe he should hurry him out the door, put himself out of this misery. he'll be fine here alone, because he always is. he always has to be.
if you keep talking. for once, maybe for the first time ever, he doesn't want to. his lungs feel too tight, words too hard to reach right now. how much time can he really buy? he doesn't feel clever or charming in this moment, but kaz manages to pull him away from those thoughts too, lips parting, the wet press of his tongue just barely touching his fingertips. his cock pulses inside of him, heat flushing to his cheeks. there are other reasons he can't speak, now. he swallows, licking his lips. ]
Is this what Mister Brekker the barrel boss is like? [ a murmur, a hint of a smile, this one more real than the last. two fingers take the invitation to dip into his mouth, kaz's lips tightening around them. ] Giving nothing without asking for something in return? [ his mind whirs ahead of him, doomsday thoughts — would kaz have given this freely before, is it because of the things he said, is it because this is transactional now and not whatever the thing it was before? no, it's not any of that. this is still good, still them. it's just words. it's mere curiosity. he's thinking too much about it. nikolai has asked him dozens of things in the heat of the moment, made him give him voice to things he'd never say in the daylight. this is like that. kaz learned this from him.
he feels the cavern of his mouth grow wetter as he keeps his fingers lodged inside, making it hard for him to swallow. still hasn't answered the question. he moves his hips, slowly pulling back, a hard breath escaping him when he sinks inside of him again. his eyelids flutter but he doesn't let them close, transfixed with the view of kaz's face, the glisten of spit wetting the corners of his mouth. ]
You feel — [ you, an important distinction to make, something he wants kaz to know. ] Like every want I've had since you left. Every time I dreamt of you, every time I came with your name on my lips, every time I saw your face in the dark. [ he curls his fingers, leaning in to nudge kaz's jaw up with his nose, planting a kiss at the darkening bruise at his pulse. his breath pools hot along his skin as he rocks his hips forward, pushing in deep, drawing his fingers from his mouth so he can grip kaz's right thigh when he feels his leg slackening. will it be like that again? dreaming of him, missing him in the night? he gasps in a breath and exhales around a hard groan, face pressed to kaz's shoulder, the memory of his claws sinking into his flesh springing to mind. his lips trace the scars he left there, another apology heaped upon the dozens he owes him. not enough.
he finds kaz's hand in the dark, twining their fingers together, pressed tight into the spill of the sheets. his hips move in earnest now, his breath unsteady. ]
It's what I want. [ halting, breathless, but finally obedient to his earlier request. kaz asks for so little. what is he thinking? what does he really want? ] You — you're what I want.
no subject
what is he thinking? he wants to ask every every time he looks at him, which is nearly every moment. the water? does he feel sick? is there disgust or longing roiling within him, or perhaps both? does he remember all the things nikolai said before, the things he said back on his ship, the good things, or is there just an echo of the lies he told him in his bedchambers? kaz's hard grip at his shoulder brings him back, nikolai's breath catching when he feels the arch of his back. he thinks he stops breathing altogether when kaz utters those two words. i'll stay. a promise. an obvious lie. no, not a lie. he'll stay. just not in the absurd way nikolai wants. he forces out a breathless smile. maybe he should hurry him out the door, put himself out of this misery. he'll be fine here alone, because he always is. he always has to be.
if you keep talking. for once, maybe for the first time ever, he doesn't want to. his lungs feel too tight, words too hard to reach right now. how much time can he really buy? he doesn't feel clever or charming in this moment, but kaz manages to pull him away from those thoughts too, lips parting, the wet press of his tongue just barely touching his fingertips. his cock pulses inside of him, heat flushing to his cheeks. there are other reasons he can't speak, now. he swallows, licking his lips. ]
Is this what Mister Brekker the barrel boss is like? [ a murmur, a hint of a smile, this one more real than the last. two fingers take the invitation to dip into his mouth, kaz's lips tightening around them. ] Giving nothing without asking for something in return? [ his mind whirs ahead of him, doomsday thoughts — would kaz have given this freely before, is it because of the things he said, is it because this is transactional now and not whatever the thing it was before? no, it's not any of that. this is still good, still them. it's just words. it's mere curiosity. he's thinking too much about it. nikolai has asked him dozens of things in the heat of the moment, made him give him voice to things he'd never say in the daylight. this is like that. kaz learned this from him.
he feels the cavern of his mouth grow wetter as he keeps his fingers lodged inside, making it hard for him to swallow. still hasn't answered the question. he moves his hips, slowly pulling back, a hard breath escaping him when he sinks inside of him again. his eyelids flutter but he doesn't let them close, transfixed with the view of kaz's face, the glisten of spit wetting the corners of his mouth. ]
You feel — [ you, an important distinction to make, something he wants kaz to know. ] Like every want I've had since you left. Every time I dreamt of you, every time I came with your name on my lips, every time I saw your face in the dark. [ he curls his fingers, leaning in to nudge kaz's jaw up with his nose, planting a kiss at the darkening bruise at his pulse. his breath pools hot along his skin as he rocks his hips forward, pushing in deep, drawing his fingers from his mouth so he can grip kaz's right thigh when he feels his leg slackening. will it be like that again? dreaming of him, missing him in the night? he gasps in a breath and exhales around a hard groan, face pressed to kaz's shoulder, the memory of his claws sinking into his flesh springing to mind. his lips trace the scars he left there, another apology heaped upon the dozens he owes him. not enough.
he finds kaz's hand in the dark, twining their fingers together, pressed tight into the spill of the sheets. his hips move in earnest now, his breath unsteady. ]
It's what I want. [ halting, breathless, but finally obedient to his earlier request. kaz asks for so little. what is he thinking? what does he really want? ] You — you're what I want.