[ as anticipated, nikolai proves unhappy with his methods and just spiteful enough to join the job. more surprising is the prick of guilt kaz feels for having goaded and disappointed him in rapid succession. you were always going to. a vengeful spirit, a selfish creature. perhaps nikolai would like to fix him in that regard, too, but no one can.
he stays the retorts in his mouth, focused on masking any reaction to nikolai’s departure. when he disappears beneath the black water, kaz drops his head to his knee and drags his hands through his hair. why should he be punished for returning to where he belongs, when nikolai wishes to stay here so badly that he’d rather die than live in exile? it isn’t as if he’s truly gone, when nikolai could come find him whenever he wanted or write him when he lacks the time. but he won’t. there are limits to his want, it seems.
it takes kaz longer than it should to act, but the next thing nikolai feels will be kaz’s hand on his head, pushing him deeper with brute strength until his body instinctively sputters. however much he wants to die, the individual cells and limbs don’t — certainly not painfully — they’ll always fight to live. kaz then yanks nikolai above the water by the shirt (his shirt), tearing the topmost buttons along the way. and if nikolai doesn’t clear his lungs of his own accord, kaz will ensure he does by force. ]
Of course I get to leave, you dramatic skiv. This isn’t my country. [ his city, his crew, his enemies, duties and debts all lie elsewhere. you’ve barely looked at me in days. you didn’t want me here in the first place. you told me to leave on sight. ] I came back for you of my own accord. [ he danced around admitting that on the first day, saying he would have done it, if asked, but the truth is he only came because zoya invoked nikolai in the first place. ] I stayed for you. I keep getting in this damned water — because I — I know that it’s about making amends for you. [ he loosens his grip on nikolai’s collar, all too aware of the cold seeping into his skin, the pain in his leg from a long day and night. a shark doesn’t fear the water, but his sense memory chills him all the same. ]
I found everyone who wishes to meet already, so you can make amends with them. [ because nikolai understands the puzzle of each person, too, and won’t be able to run from his responsibilities when they come to him in the flesh. ] But there are others. And for them, it’s about power. [ a barely perceptible ache undercuts his rasp. ] They were made to feel helpless. [ by the demon, by losses so great they had to rewrite the rules of their universe to carry on after them. ] That’s what I can — what I will offer them. [ it’s all he can offer anyone in this situation (trapped at the menagerie like inej, drowning in debts like jesper): the backing and tools to never feel helpless again. that's power. and without justice, power is everything. ]
I’m still here. [ his voice softens. ] For a little while longer. [ long enough to help nikolai to his feet, or so he hopes. half-expecting to be pushed away, he cards his hand back through nikolai’s wet hair, sliding lower to the damp curve of his neck. ]
no subject
he stays the retorts in his mouth, focused on masking any reaction to nikolai’s departure. when he disappears beneath the black water, kaz drops his head to his knee and drags his hands through his hair. why should he be punished for returning to where he belongs, when nikolai wishes to stay here so badly that he’d rather die than live in exile? it isn’t as if he’s truly gone, when nikolai could come find him whenever he wanted or write him when he lacks the time. but he won’t. there are limits to his want, it seems.
it takes kaz longer than it should to act, but the next thing nikolai feels will be kaz’s hand on his head, pushing him deeper with brute strength until his body instinctively sputters. however much he wants to die, the individual cells and limbs don’t — certainly not painfully — they’ll always fight to live. kaz then yanks nikolai above the water by the shirt (his shirt), tearing the topmost buttons along the way. and if nikolai doesn’t clear his lungs of his own accord, kaz will ensure he does by force. ]
Of course I get to leave, you dramatic skiv. This isn’t my country. [ his city, his crew, his enemies, duties and debts all lie elsewhere. you’ve barely looked at me in days. you didn’t want me here in the first place. you told me to leave on sight. ] I came back for you of my own accord. [ he danced around admitting that on the first day, saying he would have done it, if asked, but the truth is he only came because zoya invoked nikolai in the first place. ] I stayed for you. I keep getting in this damned water — because I — I know that it’s about making amends for you. [ he loosens his grip on nikolai’s collar, all too aware of the cold seeping into his skin, the pain in his leg from a long day and night. a shark doesn’t fear the water, but his sense memory chills him all the same. ]
I found everyone who wishes to meet already, so you can make amends with them. [ because nikolai understands the puzzle of each person, too, and won’t be able to run from his responsibilities when they come to him in the flesh. ] But there are others. And for them, it’s about power. [ a barely perceptible ache undercuts his rasp. ] They were made to feel helpless. [ by the demon, by losses so great they had to rewrite the rules of their universe to carry on after them. ] That’s what I can — what I will offer them. [ it’s all he can offer anyone in this situation (trapped at the menagerie like inej, drowning in debts like jesper): the backing and tools to never feel helpless again. that's power. and without justice, power is everything. ]
I’m still here. [ his voice softens. ] For a little while longer. [ long enough to help nikolai to his feet, or so he hopes. half-expecting to be pushed away, he cards his hand back through nikolai’s wet hair, sliding lower to the damp curve of his neck. ]