[ zoya didn't send you away from her — but she did, she had, all his hurt and anger roiling to the surface that she would have sentenced him to such a bleak fate. should've just shot him. she sent you toward me. a laugh bubbles out of him, desolate. maybe hope has infected kaz brekker after all, because zoya would sooner see his life as expendable than think that he is what nikolai needs over his own country, over her. those are the things he lives for, those are the points that guide him. leaving him untethered from duty and expectation isn't the kindness she thought she was granting.
but zoya never grants kindnesses. she only does what needs to be done. he scowls to himself and wonders for the hundredth time how her judgment could've gone so terribly sideways. refuses to meet kaz's eyes now that his is going in the same direction. i want to feed you. every muscle tightens at the thought, warring desires tearing him in two. he never even wanted kaz to know, much less to be a part of this, but kaz could help temper this agonizing craving if only he could bear the shame of allowing him in.
while he'd hoped to glean answers from the monster's words, what kaz does say makes his heart go still. at any other time he would ask him to come to him, to put his hands on him and use a careful touch to soothe the wounded look on his face, to show him the evidence of how far he's come and the promise that still lies inside of him. kaz has always given him everything, even when all that entailed was the clasp of a hand, and it's always been enough. it was enough to fall asleep fully clothed in his bed, kaz nestled against him. he would do it again and again if he could, if the monster hadn't taken that from him too, if the thought of touching him didn't fill him with dread. his eyes lift at the sound of kaz's laugh, a gut-wrenching sound he immediately wishes he could wipe from his memory when there are so few instances of kaz's true smile.
he aches to fix this. to find the right words. the words he hasn't said are a heavy weight in his chest, too heavy to say now when he can't cross these waters, can't expose kaz to more danger than he already has. but how can he let him go on believing these things about himself when they've worked so hard to undo so much? ]
It's not the same. To be fearful of what might come in and to be at capacity. Those aren't the same things. [ that stark, wounded look replays in his mind, pulling knots inside of him. no doubt the monster said more, cutting into him with ease. did kaz wear that look then? did it hurt him this way that night they shared in his bed as well? nikolai feels sick just thinking about it. he wouldn't have even told you if you hadn't asked. he swallows, his voice quiet. ] It isn't wrong to be afraid of your desires, Kaz. It doesn't make you weak, and I don't find you lacking because of it. But there isn't anything you want that can't fit inside of you. That's the thing about opening yourself up to wanting. Once you do, there's no beginning or end. It just is. You always have the capacity, though it may take time to figure out where something might fit.
[ he drops his gaze, his brows knitting. after a long moment he closes his eyes altogether, chest rising around an unsteady breath. kaz's heartbeat has quickened again since their conversation began, an unending cadence thrumming through him. ] Let me out. [ a hollow request when he already knows it won't be so easy to get his way this time. ] I'll feed the monster on my own. If you could find it in your ever charitable heart to allow me my pride, that is.
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but zoya never grants kindnesses. she only does what needs to be done. he scowls to himself and wonders for the hundredth time how her judgment could've gone so terribly sideways. refuses to meet kaz's eyes now that his is going in the same direction. i want to feed you. every muscle tightens at the thought, warring desires tearing him in two. he never even wanted kaz to know, much less to be a part of this, but kaz could help temper this agonizing craving if only he could bear the shame of allowing him in.
while he'd hoped to glean answers from the monster's words, what kaz does say makes his heart go still. at any other time he would ask him to come to him, to put his hands on him and use a careful touch to soothe the wounded look on his face, to show him the evidence of how far he's come and the promise that still lies inside of him. kaz has always given him everything, even when all that entailed was the clasp of a hand, and it's always been enough. it was enough to fall asleep fully clothed in his bed, kaz nestled against him. he would do it again and again if he could, if the monster hadn't taken that from him too, if the thought of touching him didn't fill him with dread. his eyes lift at the sound of kaz's laugh, a gut-wrenching sound he immediately wishes he could wipe from his memory when there are so few instances of kaz's true smile.
he aches to fix this. to find the right words. the words he hasn't said are a heavy weight in his chest, too heavy to say now when he can't cross these waters, can't expose kaz to more danger than he already has. but how can he let him go on believing these things about himself when they've worked so hard to undo so much? ]
It's not the same. To be fearful of what might come in and to be at capacity. Those aren't the same things. [ that stark, wounded look replays in his mind, pulling knots inside of him. no doubt the monster said more, cutting into him with ease. did kaz wear that look then? did it hurt him this way that night they shared in his bed as well? nikolai feels sick just thinking about it. he wouldn't have even told you if you hadn't asked. he swallows, his voice quiet. ] It isn't wrong to be afraid of your desires, Kaz. It doesn't make you weak, and I don't find you lacking because of it. But there isn't anything you want that can't fit inside of you. That's the thing about opening yourself up to wanting. Once you do, there's no beginning or end. It just is. You always have the capacity, though it may take time to figure out where something might fit.
[ he drops his gaze, his brows knitting. after a long moment he closes his eyes altogether, chest rising around an unsteady breath. kaz's heartbeat has quickened again since their conversation began, an unending cadence thrumming through him. ] Let me out. [ a hollow request when he already knows it won't be so easy to get his way this time. ] I'll feed the monster on my own. If you could find it in your ever charitable heart to allow me my pride, that is.