[ if kaz were wholly honest with nikolai, he’d have said that he never thought this would reveal some secret insight into the demon. a weakness, a strategy. granted, there’s more precision in its kill than kaz would have anticipated. a methodical bent to its madness: killing quick and brutal, then scraping the carcass clean. proof that it could have gutted kaz brekker and left him unrecognisable, if it wanted. if nikolai let it. it’s a horrible thing to witness, but kaz has watched horrors unfold since he was small. he keeps his eyes trained on nikolai, tracking the gleam of his teeth in the light. otherwise, the body he knows better than any other becomes shadow itself, an unnatural, slinking thing. the night-black wings that lifted him from the undersea and spirited nikolai into the snow almost shimmer in the candlelight. suddenly, the leaking heart skids toward him, inhuman in size. an offering or a warning. hadn’t kaz gifted nikolai something just as unsettling? he paces to the side, head canted to get a better look at the carnage (although he knows the wretched sounds to be crunching bone and tearing flesh, familiar).
nikolai drops and, without thought or intent, kaz moves toward him. unspeakable violence collapses inward, the way it always does. hitching breaths and rattling chains fill the room. in aching moments, kaz drapes his coat across nikolai's shoulders. a gift from inej’s travels, given over to ruination. he doesn’t think about that. all he can think of is nikolai, bloodied and shaking. for so many years, kaz has lingered in doorways, unable to cross the threshold into intimacy, every touch imbued with terror. but because of the irreversible happenings between them — kaz lowers himself to sit behind nikolai, hissing at the pain in his leg. after prying those desperate hands from his throat, kaz wraps his arms around him. with the coat as armour, it’s easier to weather the plague’s spectre, tremors and chills threatening them both. after what nikolai showed him — his most vulnerable, shameful parts — it’s hardly an adequate repayment.
nosing into nikolai’s bloodied hair, his mouth brushes above the shackle at his neck. the deer’s abrupt, violent near-end flashes before him, neck bent unnaturally. ]
Breathe, Nikolai. [ leather fingers test the give of the shackle against nikolai’s surely bruised neck. enough. blood slicks his glove, but he could open this lock underwater. a click, and he slips it off. ] I have you. [ wherever nikolai is, subsumed by the demon or protected by his vital systems. sometimes, we forget what we can’t manage. the mind’s coping mechanism cannibalises its primary functions. ] You killed the stag, and I watched you, Nikolai. Just like we agreed. [ the rough burr of his voice is as steady as it’s ever been. ] That’s all.
[ nikolai nikolai nikolai. you can’t keep him just by saying his name. not here, not like this.
there’s something he wants to say, lodged in his throat. an explanation, a promise. an unsayable thing. he can choke down his wanting for nikolai to be anything but this. safe. fed. if kaz could bring himself to let go, he would remove the remaining fetters and carry nikolai back into the light. hard not to yearn to give him the comforts he refuses to take for himself. a warm bath, a clean bed, closeness. maybe nikolai will allow such things from someone else, with a greater capacity for — the thing kaz can’t bring himself to think, because it can’t be unthought, and it has nowhere to go. all his attempts at comforting nikolai have ended in exile, and this will be no different. ]
no subject
nikolai drops and, without thought or intent, kaz moves toward him. unspeakable violence collapses inward, the way it always does. hitching breaths and rattling chains fill the room. in aching moments, kaz drapes his coat across nikolai's shoulders. a gift from inej’s travels, given over to ruination. he doesn’t think about that. all he can think of is nikolai, bloodied and shaking. for so many years, kaz has lingered in doorways, unable to cross the threshold into intimacy, every touch imbued with terror. but because of the irreversible happenings between them — kaz lowers himself to sit behind nikolai, hissing at the pain in his leg. after prying those desperate hands from his throat, kaz wraps his arms around him. with the coat as armour, it’s easier to weather the plague’s spectre, tremors and chills threatening them both. after what nikolai showed him — his most vulnerable, shameful parts — it’s hardly an adequate repayment.
nosing into nikolai’s bloodied hair, his mouth brushes above the shackle at his neck. the deer’s abrupt, violent near-end flashes before him, neck bent unnaturally. ]
Breathe, Nikolai. [ leather fingers test the give of the shackle against nikolai’s surely bruised neck. enough. blood slicks his glove, but he could open this lock underwater. a click, and he slips it off. ] I have you. [ wherever nikolai is, subsumed by the demon or protected by his vital systems. sometimes, we forget what we can’t manage. the mind’s coping mechanism cannibalises its primary functions. ] You killed the stag, and I watched you, Nikolai. Just like we agreed. [ the rough burr of his voice is as steady as it’s ever been. ] That’s all.
[ nikolai nikolai nikolai. you can’t keep him just by saying his name. not here, not like this.
there’s something he wants to say, lodged in his throat. an explanation, a promise. an unsayable thing. he can choke down his wanting for nikolai to be anything but this. safe. fed. if kaz could bring himself to let go, he would remove the remaining fetters and carry nikolai back into the light. hard not to yearn to give him the comforts he refuses to take for himself. a warm bath, a clean bed, closeness. maybe nikolai will allow such things from someone else, with a greater capacity for — the thing kaz can’t bring himself to think, because it can’t be unthought, and it has nowhere to go. all his attempts at comforting nikolai have ended in exile, and this will be no different. ]