[ nikolai unleashes a stronger reaction than anticipated, hurt fraying his composure and defeat spurring his words. to say something is to make it concrete, even when it may not be true. his rationalisation of his permanent exile and lifelong duties to the throne are as much of a defense as kaz’s frequent decision not to speak at all. armour comes in many forms.
still, kaz can’t believe he’s swimming (drowning) for the privilege of a lecture on kingship and duty: two things he’s never believed were worth a damn. diving is worse — something he hasn’t done since the demon stranded them both in the sea, the water as dark and endless as the harbour had been. when he surfaces, he chokes his first gasp of air and tries to mask it with a cough into his hand. ]
And what I want. [ a click of his tongue, annoyance bleeding into his features, hair flattened to his skull. surely his own wants have a place here, after nikolai worked so diligently to tease them out. ] I don’t suppose that matters. [ after kaz chased him in fjerda, ravka, ketterdam. once he composes himself enough to look around, his back straightens and scowl wobbles. it’s beautiful. like the observatory in ravka. a place he’d never have sought out on his own — that only a few people would think to share with him. ]
As gallant a nanny as you make me out to be, Zoya saw my — fondness for you and capitalised on it to serve you both. [ he blows out a breath, like he might scatter that embarrassing truth in the sea air. ] A shrewd maneuver. [ said like an insult, though it’s the opposite, since he would and has acted similarly. the only thing worse than her noticing his affection is nikolai not. then again, it isn’t as if kaz entirely understands his means of care, either. there’s something to the attention they pay each other; that much, he knows. before nikolai, he’d never met anyone as resistant as himself to letting others gentle him.
kaz’s hand finds nikolai’s clothed wrist in the water, bare fingers encircling it. ]
I know what it means to be the reason that someone you — [ all saints. ] — care for is endangered. [ his heart thuds heavy against his ribs, threatening to burst. ] One look at Inej, and I doomed her to days of torture at Van Eck’s hands. [ his expression cracked open like a safe (like a wound). he hopes it isn’t as obvious now while knowing it must be, with his wide eyes fixed on the cave ceiling. ] Everything has a cost. [ the price of affection is concern. a weakness, primed for exploitation. then, inevitably, grief. his thumb arcs to the edge of the fabric, nearly touching nikolai’s skin. ] This time, I’m willing to pay and manage the risks. If you’re not — [ he cuts himself off, forcing his voice to crisp where it had been thick with emotions seconds earlier. ] Then it’s settled.
[ finished. as kaz thought it was when he said one horrible thing after another to nikolai in the cellar. if there’s no hope for the flame, he’ll snuff their spark. he did it before, every time someone warmed him, sensibly preventing the pain of a prolonged attachment. this time will be harder, but he’ll accomplish it all the same. the trick will be in finding a way to help nikolai without engendering closeness, just as zoya attempted when she placed her trust in kaz brekker, of all people. ]
It’s a good idea. The birds. [ true, although it’s also just something to say so nikolai knows he doesn’t need to answer the question implicit in his declaration. saying nothing will tell him enough. ]
no subject
still, kaz can’t believe he’s swimming (drowning) for the privilege of a lecture on kingship and duty: two things he’s never believed were worth a damn. diving is worse — something he hasn’t done since the demon stranded them both in the sea, the water as dark and endless as the harbour had been. when he surfaces, he chokes his first gasp of air and tries to mask it with a cough into his hand. ]
And what I want. [ a click of his tongue, annoyance bleeding into his features, hair flattened to his skull. surely his own wants have a place here, after nikolai worked so diligently to tease them out. ] I don’t suppose that matters. [ after kaz chased him in fjerda, ravka, ketterdam. once he composes himself enough to look around, his back straightens and scowl wobbles. it’s beautiful. like the observatory in ravka. a place he’d never have sought out on his own — that only a few people would think to share with him. ]
As gallant a nanny as you make me out to be, Zoya saw my — fondness for you and capitalised on it to serve you both. [ he blows out a breath, like he might scatter that embarrassing truth in the sea air. ] A shrewd maneuver. [ said like an insult, though it’s the opposite, since he would and has acted similarly. the only thing worse than her noticing his affection is nikolai not. then again, it isn’t as if kaz entirely understands his means of care, either. there’s something to the attention they pay each other; that much, he knows. before nikolai, he’d never met anyone as resistant as himself to letting others gentle him.
kaz’s hand finds nikolai’s clothed wrist in the water, bare fingers encircling it. ]
I know what it means to be the reason that someone you — [ all saints. ] — care for is endangered. [ his heart thuds heavy against his ribs, threatening to burst. ] One look at Inej, and I doomed her to days of torture at Van Eck’s hands. [ his expression cracked open like a safe (like a wound). he hopes it isn’t as obvious now while knowing it must be, with his wide eyes fixed on the cave ceiling. ] Everything has a cost. [ the price of affection is concern. a weakness, primed for exploitation. then, inevitably, grief. his thumb arcs to the edge of the fabric, nearly touching nikolai’s skin. ] This time, I’m willing to pay and manage the risks. If you’re not — [ he cuts himself off, forcing his voice to crisp where it had been thick with emotions seconds earlier. ] Then it’s settled.
[ finished. as kaz thought it was when he said one horrible thing after another to nikolai in the cellar. if there’s no hope for the flame, he’ll snuff their spark. he did it before, every time someone warmed him, sensibly preventing the pain of a prolonged attachment. this time will be harder, but he’ll accomplish it all the same. the trick will be in finding a way to help nikolai without engendering closeness, just as zoya attempted when she placed her trust in kaz brekker, of all people. ]
It’s a good idea. The birds. [ true, although it’s also just something to say so nikolai knows he doesn’t need to answer the question implicit in his declaration. saying nothing will tell him enough. ]