[ he doesn't mean to stay underwater. it's not the plan. but he only realizes his grave mistake too late, that the battle against the monster isn't the only one in his head, that the sudden and complete silence of the water, the weightlessness in his limbs, the sensation that he could close his eyes and merely float to an easy end is far, far too enticing to a man at his wit's end.
he should not have come here. even as his lungs seize, the last of his breath expelled into the water in a cascade of bubbles, he can't bring himself to look up to the light dotting the surface far above. he has an iron grip on the demon, and it will die here with him, and that will have to be enough. kaz will never forgive him, will carry this wound in his heart for years or maybe even a lifetime. there's nothing for that.
then he's above the surface, rock digging into his spine, a haze of light above him. a painful cough rattles his chest — and then he's sputtering water, twisting so he doesn't (presumably) drown himself twice. his thoughts come rushing back as he angles a wild gaze at kaz — yes, angry, very much so — and watches as kaz collapses beside him, eyes rimmed in red, skin pale, tremors in the tips of his fingers. all the haunted memories nikolai wanted to avoid tonight now brought to the light. ]
Fuck. [ it seems the only summation of the present circumstance, his voice hoarse. ] You're bleeding. [ everywhere. a scrape along his ribs, close to where he'd sewn him up before. blood at his palm, where his claws had once found purchase. his damned leg. nikolai forces himself to sit up despite the sharp ache in his chest, his breath uneven. ] I wasn't — I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I was only trying to keep you from harm.
[ a thing he can never seem to get right. his thoughts are jumbled, mired in a different sort of darkness, a frighteningly deep misery that he struggles now to pull himself out of. the fear of it chills his skin, that he nearly succumbed to it without intention, that a part of him wants it so badly that it could simply happen and he would let it. this is a monster of another kind, one he can’t give voice to now, because how much weight can he keep dropping at kaz’s feet with the expectation that he’ll want to carry it? he swallows it down, eyes raking over kaz’s body for some part of him that must be safe to touch. his leg, the fabric of his trousers gleaming darkly with water and blood. nikolai’s gloves come away a watery crimson when he slides his fingers beneath kaz’s thigh, i love you echoing somewhere faraway in his head. ]
Kaz. [ for a moment something else sits on his tongue, something to match his haunted gaze as it travels slowly along the blood trickling across his ribs, the smell of it cloying, a heartbeat too rapid in his ears. death feels too close. where is the fear that surely should come with it? the only thing he feels is a fear of how easy it had felt. how easy it would be to find it again. he’s nothing and nobody here — a first in the whole of his life. slipping away would come with no consequence.
none but one. he blinks down at kaz, his throat bobbing around a swallow, water dripping from his blond hair in a messy halo around his face. the ache in his chest shifts to something greater, something that a night’s rest can’t soothe.
he slips back into the water, but hovers by the rock, his eyes troubled as he slowly presses his hand to the bloody gash at kaz’s stomach. his fingers travel higher, leaving a trail of red across pale skin as he stops above his heartbeat. something to tether him here. something alive. tell him you love him. thank him for saving your life. say something that isn’t wrong, for once. but with the bitter taste of death on his tongue, he can’t utter those words. shouldn’t have said them in the first place, because this is all that it brings. ]
Let me take you back to the boat. I’ll tend to your wounds there. [ his mouth twists. ] I won’t do this to you again. [ make him dive to the depths of the sea. ask him for something so selfish as a balm for his loneliness. tell him he loves him. doesn’t know which he means. ] Ketterdam needs you too much for me to drag you away.
no subject
he should not have come here. even as his lungs seize, the last of his breath expelled into the water in a cascade of bubbles, he can't bring himself to look up to the light dotting the surface far above. he has an iron grip on the demon, and it will die here with him, and that will have to be enough. kaz will never forgive him, will carry this wound in his heart for years or maybe even a lifetime. there's nothing for that.
then he's above the surface, rock digging into his spine, a haze of light above him. a painful cough rattles his chest — and then he's sputtering water, twisting so he doesn't (presumably) drown himself twice. his thoughts come rushing back as he angles a wild gaze at kaz — yes, angry, very much so — and watches as kaz collapses beside him, eyes rimmed in red, skin pale, tremors in the tips of his fingers. all the haunted memories nikolai wanted to avoid tonight now brought to the light. ]
Fuck. [ it seems the only summation of the present circumstance, his voice hoarse. ] You're bleeding. [ everywhere. a scrape along his ribs, close to where he'd sewn him up before. blood at his palm, where his claws had once found purchase. his damned leg. nikolai forces himself to sit up despite the sharp ache in his chest, his breath uneven. ] I wasn't — I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I was only trying to keep you from harm.
[ a thing he can never seem to get right. his thoughts are jumbled, mired in a different sort of darkness, a frighteningly deep misery that he struggles now to pull himself out of. the fear of it chills his skin, that he nearly succumbed to it without intention, that a part of him wants it so badly that it could simply happen and he would let it. this is a monster of another kind, one he can’t give voice to now, because how much weight can he keep dropping at kaz’s feet with the expectation that he’ll want to carry it? he swallows it down, eyes raking over kaz’s body for some part of him that must be safe to touch. his leg, the fabric of his trousers gleaming darkly with water and blood. nikolai’s gloves come away a watery crimson when he slides his fingers beneath kaz’s thigh, i love you echoing somewhere faraway in his head. ]
Kaz. [ for a moment something else sits on his tongue, something to match his haunted gaze as it travels slowly along the blood trickling across his ribs, the smell of it cloying, a heartbeat too rapid in his ears. death feels too close. where is the fear that surely should come with it? the only thing he feels is a fear of how easy it had felt. how easy it would be to find it again. he’s nothing and nobody here — a first in the whole of his life. slipping away would come with no consequence.
none but one. he blinks down at kaz, his throat bobbing around a swallow, water dripping from his blond hair in a messy halo around his face. the ache in his chest shifts to something greater, something that a night’s rest can’t soothe.
he slips back into the water, but hovers by the rock, his eyes troubled as he slowly presses his hand to the bloody gash at kaz’s stomach. his fingers travel higher, leaving a trail of red across pale skin as he stops above his heartbeat. something to tether him here. something alive. tell him you love him. thank him for saving your life. say something that isn’t wrong, for once. but with the bitter taste of death on his tongue, he can’t utter those words. shouldn’t have said them in the first place, because this is all that it brings. ]
Let me take you back to the boat. I’ll tend to your wounds there. [ his mouth twists. ] I won’t do this to you again. [ make him dive to the depths of the sea. ask him for something so selfish as a balm for his loneliness. tell him he loves him. doesn’t know which he means. ] Ketterdam needs you too much for me to drag you away.