[ for a moment, they have it. closeness. kaz's hand gripping his, their hearts in tandem once more, stuttering into a forgotten cadence that fills nikolai with such a longing that the pain is as real as any physical blow. and then kaz's unpredictable and yet consistent rage ignites, and he flops (rather unceremoniously) into the water with all the grace of a dying fish, accusations lashed out with a whip's precision. nikolai has to rear back just to avoid getting tangled in his panicked limbs. ]
Surely a thousand is an exaggeration. [ something he can say only because he's fairly certain kaz needs to continue clinging to the rock and therefore can't bridge the meager distance between them to make an attempt on his life. to be told to his face in rather plain terms that he doesn't know how to keep kaz from harm — something he knows, saints, he knows — cuts him unexpectedly. the harm lies inside of him. his two most consuming wants — to love kaz brekker and to keep him safe — have always been opposing battles, and only one can ever be the victor.
in truth, there has only ever been one right choice. he's simply not accustomed to giving up the things he selfishly wants. ]
Do I? [ have you. hurt sharpens his tone, lifting his chin as if trying to preserve what remains of his tattered pride. even drenched and aching from hacking up water in his lungs, he still manages the dignified glare of a monarch, eyes flashing gold in the fading glimmer of light. ] You're away for days — weeks — at a time. You hardly answer the notes left for you at the Crow Club. You have the gall to leave your men lurking about to make sure I don't start gnawing on the neighbors instead of showing up yourself. Dimitri, of all people. For fuck's sake, Brekker, he used to work for me.
[ he barks out a laugh, wading closer now that kaz has finally gone relatively still. still enough that he won't drag them both underwater, hopefully. a haze of cloudy blood spreads from kaz's leg, and it's that sight that strengthens his resolve. ]
You'd have to actually be present to come near my wounds, so I wouldn't worry so much about that. Just — [ he glides beside him, smoothly sliding his arm around kaz's waist and gentling him (not so gently) away from the rock. ] Careful where you touch me. Don't move your leg. And don't struggle, or you will sink us both. We're going back to the ship. Just let me help you and you can complain about how awful it is on the way.
no subject
Surely a thousand is an exaggeration. [ something he can say only because he's fairly certain kaz needs to continue clinging to the rock and therefore can't bridge the meager distance between them to make an attempt on his life. to be told to his face in rather plain terms that he doesn't know how to keep kaz from harm — something he knows, saints, he knows — cuts him unexpectedly. the harm lies inside of him. his two most consuming wants — to love kaz brekker and to keep him safe — have always been opposing battles, and only one can ever be the victor.
in truth, there has only ever been one right choice. he's simply not accustomed to giving up the things he selfishly wants. ]
Do I? [ have you. hurt sharpens his tone, lifting his chin as if trying to preserve what remains of his tattered pride. even drenched and aching from hacking up water in his lungs, he still manages the dignified glare of a monarch, eyes flashing gold in the fading glimmer of light. ] You're away for days — weeks — at a time. You hardly answer the notes left for you at the Crow Club. You have the gall to leave your men lurking about to make sure I don't start gnawing on the neighbors instead of showing up yourself. Dimitri, of all people. For fuck's sake, Brekker, he used to work for me.
[ he barks out a laugh, wading closer now that kaz has finally gone relatively still. still enough that he won't drag them both underwater, hopefully. a haze of cloudy blood spreads from kaz's leg, and it's that sight that strengthens his resolve. ]
You'd have to actually be present to come near my wounds, so I wouldn't worry so much about that. Just — [ he glides beside him, smoothly sliding his arm around kaz's waist and gentling him (not so gently) away from the rock. ] Careful where you touch me. Don't move your leg. And don't struggle, or you will sink us both. We're going back to the ship. Just let me help you and you can complain about how awful it is on the way.