[ a great deal of what nikolai says is true, and it hurts all the more for it. he is away and distant and difficult, armoured beyond what nikolai has managed to peel away with clever hands. you don’t know how to love him. his very capacity for the feeling isn’t enough, if it isn’t being conveyed. but why else would he drown again and again — in touch and in the water itself? why would he fight a man caught in the riptide of his own mind? his expression hardens too slowly to stop the hurt from flickering in his wide eyes. ]
You’d have me if you stopped throwing me away the second I wasn’t needful enough for your liking. [ retorted with a quick tip of his head that he immediately regrets, still queasy. you don’t need me anymore echoes in his memory. ] Or when I’m too needful and ask [ beg ] you to stay. [ left to face the sickness in his room alone, the way he always had before. he snorts, attempting to obscure his unease over their proximity. kaz throws a trembling arm across nikolai’s covered shoulders. he’s alive now — but he was dead. he felt dead — feels cold, and if kaz dared look at him, he might be bloated with seawater and rot, so he fixes his eyes ahead. not the first time a corpse has carried him to shore. ]
"Notes" is an exaggeration, don’t you think. [ mimicking Nikolai's tone from earlier, if a tad breathless. he watches the murky red trail them as nikolai drags him onward. ] You’ve only left the one. [ and he answered, like a heartsick fool. ] Unless you count the drawings of the prized laboratory that you burned down — which I don’t. [ as romantic as mad sketches are. ] Perhaps you should send the poetry you have on the subject of maiming me next time, and I’ll respond. [ he turns over the memory of the demon in his bed, mouth at his throat like the first time, and the sight of it crushing the deer at the safehouse. shoving nikolai aside, he pulls himself up on the boat on the strength of his arms alone, smearing blood and water on the sapfiry’s new deck in the process. ]
[ with a measure of musicality, ] Darling Nikolai, thank the demon for thinking of me in your stead. [ kaz slides both hands under his bad leg to widen the spread of his hips and removes a blade from his waistband. even sat upright, he has to steady himself by leaning on his free hand, adrenaline fading fast.] You should know Dimitri is watching you because I don’t trust anyone else to protect you and my city both. [ to not kill the demon on sight. once a ravkan soldier, always a ravkan soldier. kaz can tell from the way dimitri looked between them at the safehouse — kaz may be the boss, but nikolai remains his king. ] And he’s making significantly more under me than you, so you should be proud. [ a smug little face scrunch, directed squarely at nikolai. ] All my love, Brekker.
[ with that, he raises the dagger and shakily marks the spot on his clothed thigh where he’ll need to cut the fabric free and unstick old bandages from his wound. ]
no subject
You’d have me if you stopped throwing me away the second I wasn’t needful enough for your liking. [ retorted with a quick tip of his head that he immediately regrets, still queasy. you don’t need me anymore echoes in his memory. ] Or when I’m too needful and ask [ beg ] you to stay. [ left to face the sickness in his room alone, the way he always had before. he snorts, attempting to obscure his unease over their proximity. kaz throws a trembling arm across nikolai’s covered shoulders. he’s alive now — but he was dead. he felt dead — feels cold, and if kaz dared look at him, he might be bloated with seawater and rot, so he fixes his eyes ahead. not the first time a corpse has carried him to shore. ]
"Notes" is an exaggeration, don’t you think. [ mimicking Nikolai's tone from earlier, if a tad breathless. he watches the murky red trail them as nikolai drags him onward. ] You’ve only left the one. [ and he answered, like a heartsick fool. ] Unless you count the drawings of the prized laboratory that you burned down — which I don’t. [ as romantic as mad sketches are. ] Perhaps you should send the poetry you have on the subject of maiming me next time, and I’ll respond. [ he turns over the memory of the demon in his bed, mouth at his throat like the first time, and the sight of it crushing the deer at the safehouse. shoving nikolai aside, he pulls himself up on the boat on the strength of his arms alone, smearing blood and water on the sapfiry’s new deck in the process. ]
[ with a measure of musicality, ] Darling Nikolai, thank the demon for thinking of me in your stead. [ kaz slides both hands under his bad leg to widen the spread of his hips and removes a blade from his waistband. even sat upright, he has to steady himself by leaning on his free hand, adrenaline fading fast.] You should know Dimitri is watching you because I don’t trust anyone else to protect you and my city both. [ to not kill the demon on sight. once a ravkan soldier, always a ravkan soldier. kaz can tell from the way dimitri looked between them at the safehouse — kaz may be the boss, but nikolai remains his king. ] And he’s making significantly more under me than you, so you should be proud. [ a smug little face scrunch, directed squarely at nikolai. ] All my love, Brekker.
[ with that, he raises the dagger and shakily marks the spot on his clothed thigh where he’ll need to cut the fabric free and unstick old bandages from his wound. ]