[ the first-aid kit genya provided exceeds milena’s now-nightly healing efforts, the salve lingering after to relieve kaz's pain considerably. a hissed breath rushes out as the numbness spreads. oh. easy to forget what it feels like to be without pain until someone reminds you.
no time to dwell on the light feeling. predictably, he’s said the wrong thing, kindness made harmful in his incapable hands. the sound nikolai makes (not a laugh, not a cry) unnerves him. the nikolai that meets his gaze now is shattered — it’s taking everything else as haunting as anything the demon could say — but kaz looks back without faltering, tracking the near-tears on nikolai’s lashes. a new thought, sudden in its clarity: if you can force it to let you die, you can force it to let you live.
when their aching stare breaks, protests fill his mind. can’t leave ketterdam until the work is done, and the work will never be done, at this rate. he has a meeting tomorrow afternoon he can’t miss, he needs to write inej about their progress and setbacks — wait. he forces his thoughts to slow. nikolai has changed keys into a pained register, one he rarely allows to be heard. if he could just kiss him, hold him — do something instead of having to say the right thing — ]
Whatever could have unbalanced me. [ rhetorical, thanks. kaz tugs a glove onto his unhurt hand and cups nikolai’s bent neck. ] Alright, Nikolai. [ alright i’ll go or you’re alright, melded with a softer brusqueness than usual. it's uncharacteristic agreement, which should hint at a catch. he slides his hand higher into nikolai’s hair, not steering him anywhere, just soothing. could be wrapping his palm instead of this (sparking a feeling with nowhere to go), but his entire body aches. nikolai will take care of it, besides. nikolai wants to take care of it. (of you.) ]
I’m not one for ascribed places, having none. [ not the way nikolai speaks of, in terms of roles and rightness belonging and deservedness. his mouth quirks faintly. even now, nikolai thinks like a soldier and a royal. ] But there is a space. [ a beat. you hold the most vital pieces of my heart. kaz gently untangles a knotted lock of hair, hand steadying even as the tirenedess persists. ] One that only exists because of you. [ carved out by choice, not destiny or necessity. ] And it will always exist for you, even when you curse me for it. [ a likely scenario, given how every confession seems to be wrapped in a reminder that nikolai cannot see a way forward — at least not with kaz brekker. ] I do love you. [ his grip on nikolai tightens and then loosens. ] Badly, I know, but I do. [ without the practice or skill to make it intelligible. wryly, ] Who else would tell a queen her duty and people can wait, but a canal rat can’t? [ in a spectacularly selfish and romantic gesture. he takes a deep breath. ]
We’ll feed your lodger again before we go. [ the catch, issued without remorse. there can be no repeat of their past mistakes on this journey, with news of nikolai’s condition known across the continent. better to use the facilities they have and safeguard against trouble on the open water or endless snow. ]
no subject
no time to dwell on the light feeling. predictably, he’s said the wrong thing, kindness made harmful in his incapable hands. the sound nikolai makes (not a laugh, not a cry) unnerves him. the nikolai that meets his gaze now is shattered — it’s taking everything else as haunting as anything the demon could say — but kaz looks back without faltering, tracking the near-tears on nikolai’s lashes. a new thought, sudden in its clarity: if you can force it to let you die, you can force it to let you live.
when their aching stare breaks, protests fill his mind. can’t leave ketterdam until the work is done, and the work will never be done, at this rate. he has a meeting tomorrow afternoon he can’t miss, he needs to write inej about their progress and setbacks — wait. he forces his thoughts to slow. nikolai has changed keys into a pained register, one he rarely allows to be heard. if he could just kiss him, hold him — do something instead of having to say the right thing — ]
Whatever could have unbalanced me. [ rhetorical, thanks. kaz tugs a glove onto his unhurt hand and cups nikolai’s bent neck. ] Alright, Nikolai. [ alright i’ll go or you’re alright, melded with a softer brusqueness than usual. it's uncharacteristic agreement, which should hint at a catch. he slides his hand higher into nikolai’s hair, not steering him anywhere, just soothing. could be wrapping his palm instead of this (sparking a feeling with nowhere to go), but his entire body aches. nikolai will take care of it, besides. nikolai wants to take care of it. (of you.) ]
I’m not one for ascribed places, having none. [ not the way nikolai speaks of, in terms of roles and rightness belonging and deservedness. his mouth quirks faintly. even now, nikolai thinks like a soldier and a royal. ] But there is a space. [ a beat. you hold the most vital pieces of my heart. kaz gently untangles a knotted lock of hair, hand steadying even as the tirenedess persists. ] One that only exists because of you. [ carved out by choice, not destiny or necessity. ] And it will always exist for you, even when you curse me for it. [ a likely scenario, given how every confession seems to be wrapped in a reminder that nikolai cannot see a way forward — at least not with kaz brekker. ] I do love you. [ his grip on nikolai tightens and then loosens. ] Badly, I know, but I do. [ without the practice or skill to make it intelligible. wryly, ] Who else would tell a queen her duty and people can wait, but a canal rat can’t? [ in a spectacularly selfish and romantic gesture. he takes a deep breath. ]
We’ll feed your lodger again before we go. [ the catch, issued without remorse. there can be no repeat of their past mistakes on this journey, with news of nikolai’s condition known across the continent. better to use the facilities they have and safeguard against trouble on the open water or endless snow. ]