[ from the way nikolai sighs, kaz can tell that they’ve settled into an uneasy agreement. yes, nikolai could attempt to feed the demon on his own, but he won’t, lacking the confidence required to steer his jagged limbs. this may be kaz’s only chance to converse with nikolai’s shadow — a plot that he sets aside for the moment. it takes all his concentration to even his breathes, besides, as nikolai finishes wrapping his scrapes. can’t tell if his hands or nikolai’s are trembling. regardless, his heartbeat hammers an erratic rhythm. that nikolai still extends tenderness to his inconsequential hurts (or that he himself allows them) is no small thing.
in return, kaz listens with rapt attention, gloved hand soothing at the nape of nikolai’s neck until a question finally glances off his razored jaw, which tilts down to evade the light in nikolai’s eyes. i feel death looming over us now. don’t you? a sensation so prevalent even a seasoned liar wouldn’t dare deny it. nikolai plucks thoughts from the vault at the back of his mind and mirrors them.
can't you, say it, tell me. a litany that begs for action. kaz lifts his head. stay afloat. he smoothes his leather grip to cradle nikolai’s face, but allows his bandaged hand remain in place, kept safe in bloodied gloves, over a wounded heart. ]
[ after the fight and subsequent silence, his voice is an abrasion. a whisper, meant for two alone. ] You know I do. [ the dead infiltrate his perception. nikolai once observed it’s not just something that afflicts him when they touch; it’s always. ] For once, [ not quite teasing, but hinting at it. ] you’re not the exception. [ because nikolai is exceptional to him. there’s no one else he would drown for repeatedly — no, nightly. ] Everyone feels this way. [ it’s a flaw so reliable that kaz has exploited it with frightful success. he tips his head from one side to the other, considering. a small frown. ] Most not as deeply as you. [ masked or otherwise, it’s always been obvious to kaz that nikolai’s emotions are too big for his restricted role. with outsized passion for his country, for his people, for progress — and for you — of course the resulting pain is too much. ]
If you love a thing, you fear its loss. [ impossible to keep nikolai’s descent from plaguing his vision, lashes fluttering. ] Two sides, one coin. [ his thumb arcs over the apple of nikolai’s cheek.] Whether you’re with me or not, it won’t stop. [ no matter distance traversed or walls erected, you can’t rid yourself of either feeling. nothing has cured him of his affection for nikolai. even with the tide rolling in, thoughts of kissing him soundly — holding him — pressing close — persist. ] There's no protecting you from it. [ hadn't he tried? when there was still time, or at least when it seemed like there was. earlier than you likely imagined. his pulse skips. ] But you needn’t face it alone. [ gently, he curls his other hand around nikolai’s. ]
no subject
in return, kaz listens with rapt attention, gloved hand soothing at the nape of nikolai’s neck until a question finally glances off his razored jaw, which tilts down to evade the light in nikolai’s eyes. i feel death looming over us now. don’t you? a sensation so prevalent even a seasoned liar wouldn’t dare deny it. nikolai plucks thoughts from the vault at the back of his mind and mirrors them.
can't you, say it, tell me. a litany that begs for action. kaz lifts his head. stay afloat. he smoothes his leather grip to cradle nikolai’s face, but allows his bandaged hand remain in place, kept safe in bloodied gloves, over a wounded heart. ]
[ after the fight and subsequent silence, his voice is an abrasion. a whisper, meant for two alone. ] You know I do. [ the dead infiltrate his perception. nikolai once observed it’s not just something that afflicts him when they touch; it’s always. ] For once, [ not quite teasing, but hinting at it. ] you’re not the exception. [ because nikolai is exceptional to him. there’s no one else he would drown for repeatedly — no, nightly. ] Everyone feels this way. [ it’s a flaw so reliable that kaz has exploited it with frightful success. he tips his head from one side to the other, considering. a small frown. ] Most not as deeply as you. [ masked or otherwise, it’s always been obvious to kaz that nikolai’s emotions are too big for his restricted role. with outsized passion for his country, for his people, for progress — and for you — of course the resulting pain is too much. ]
If you love a thing, you fear its loss. [ impossible to keep nikolai’s descent from plaguing his vision, lashes fluttering. ] Two sides, one coin. [ his thumb arcs over the apple of nikolai’s cheek.] Whether you’re with me or not, it won’t stop. [ no matter distance traversed or walls erected, you can’t rid yourself of either feeling. nothing has cured him of his affection for nikolai. even with the tide rolling in, thoughts of kissing him soundly — holding him — pressing close — persist. ] There's no protecting you from it. [ hadn't he tried? when there was still time, or at least when it seemed like there was. earlier than you likely imagined. his pulse skips. ] But you needn’t face it alone. [ gently, he curls his other hand around nikolai’s. ]