[ you’ve missed this, haven’t you. there’s power of different kinds, in being a desired thing and a monstrous thing. surely he can’t be both, always tipping too far to one side and not the other. the demon’s condition marks a tricky turn in his ever-changing path forward. it doesn’t repulse him, though he knows it should. killing is always a kind of consumption.
dirtyhands wouldn’t flinch, so kaz doesn’t. his grip tightens, he presses closer — and he hears that whimper. knows the sound, with how it shattered his plans and composure back in the cellar. the recognition helps him click back into the person he is with nikolai, more kaz than brekker. it makes him pack away his ruthless determination and unease, tidied and set aside. unmoving, he hovers above nikolai until the disorientation passes. awe stretches his features wider before he can stop it, the flush climbing his throat the only warmth left from being so close to the demon and the depths. but you did it, dragged nikolai back from the underworld once more, whether he wished to return or not. ]
You didn’t hurt me — [ but that would be smudging the truth, when nikolai opened his skin wider and lapped at the wound. kaz shakes his head quick, hair falling back in his face. ] Not really. [ better. kaz folds his uninjured hand over nikolai’s, pressing his palm to his pulse. his heart hammers like it has to prove he’s alive. they’re touching. ] It’s okay. We’re okay. [ unsure who needs to hear that more, a wobble in the arm propping him up. they’re okay for now, he should say, until nikolai throws him away for all he’s already done or what he’ll gladly do. ]
You barely — [ touched him, but it did, mouth feverish at his throat, drinking from his palm and trailing ice across his chest. ] Just here. [ his thumb arcs over nikolai’s wrist, still held to his his throat. ] Here. [ kaz guides his hand into the uneven v of his shirt, unharmed but touched. can’t say what nikolai will make of this, places his hands and mouth have travelled before — but not without his knowledge, his gentle intentions. is it a betrayal to take all the parts of nikolai, even the ones he rejects? ] My other hand. [ curled so tightly in the sheets beside nikolai’s head that they’ve sprung untucked from beneath the mattress. ] Because of the blood. [ telling enough, he hopes, to avoid the truths that will do the most harm. ] There’s too much of you in it now to hurt me badly.
[ an idea nikolai will undoubtedly scoff at, though kaz’s generally unharmed person must be equally unsettling in its impossibility. ]
[ voice low and scratchy, ] You hurt yourself. [ his gaze flits from nikolai’s frightened eyes to his red mouth, then down to his bloodied front, unsure what his own, ever-shifting and masking expression might give away. ] Let me clean you up and explain the rest. [ after the demon releases him, nikolai tends to collapse, the bodily exhaustion of possession or transformation too much, so he adds — ] Now or in the morning. [ kaz brings their linked hands to his mouth, brushing a kiss over nikolai’s knuckles. his words fail to answer nikolai fully, let alone explain how he ended up pinned beneath kaz’s weight, licking blood off the back of his teeth. ] Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do.
[ careful to return the control that the nichevo'ya so violently strips from him when it surfaces. he needs to metre out the truth to keep nikolai from drowning in it, not withhold it indefinitely. ]
no subject
dirtyhands wouldn’t flinch, so kaz doesn’t. his grip tightens, he presses closer — and he hears that whimper. knows the sound, with how it shattered his plans and composure back in the cellar. the recognition helps him click back into the person he is with nikolai, more kaz than brekker. it makes him pack away his ruthless determination and unease, tidied and set aside. unmoving, he hovers above nikolai until the disorientation passes. awe stretches his features wider before he can stop it, the flush climbing his throat the only warmth left from being so close to the demon and the depths. but you did it, dragged nikolai back from the underworld once more, whether he wished to return or not. ]
You didn’t hurt me — [ but that would be smudging the truth, when nikolai opened his skin wider and lapped at the wound. kaz shakes his head quick, hair falling back in his face. ] Not really. [ better. kaz folds his uninjured hand over nikolai’s, pressing his palm to his pulse. his heart hammers like it has to prove he’s alive. they’re touching. ] It’s okay. We’re okay. [ unsure who needs to hear that more, a wobble in the arm propping him up. they’re okay for now, he should say, until nikolai throws him away for all he’s already done or what he’ll gladly do. ]
You barely — [ touched him, but it did, mouth feverish at his throat, drinking from his palm and trailing ice across his chest. ] Just here. [ his thumb arcs over nikolai’s wrist, still held to his his throat. ] Here. [ kaz guides his hand into the uneven v of his shirt, unharmed but touched. can’t say what nikolai will make of this, places his hands and mouth have travelled before — but not without his knowledge, his gentle intentions. is it a betrayal to take all the parts of nikolai, even the ones he rejects? ] My other hand. [ curled so tightly in the sheets beside nikolai’s head that they’ve sprung untucked from beneath the mattress. ] Because of the blood. [ telling enough, he hopes, to avoid the truths that will do the most harm. ] There’s too much of you in it now to hurt me badly.
[ an idea nikolai will undoubtedly scoff at, though kaz’s generally unharmed person must be equally unsettling in its impossibility. ]
[ voice low and scratchy, ] You hurt yourself. [ his gaze flits from nikolai’s frightened eyes to his red mouth, then down to his bloodied front, unsure what his own, ever-shifting and masking expression might give away. ] Let me clean you up and explain the rest. [ after the demon releases him, nikolai tends to collapse, the bodily exhaustion of possession or transformation too much, so he adds — ] Now or in the morning. [ kaz brings their linked hands to his mouth, brushing a kiss over nikolai’s knuckles. his words fail to answer nikolai fully, let alone explain how he ended up pinned beneath kaz’s weight, licking blood off the back of his teeth. ] Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do.
[ careful to return the control that the nichevo'ya so violently strips from him when it surfaces. he needs to metre out the truth to keep nikolai from drowning in it, not withhold it indefinitely. ]