[ his gaze softens, affection hopelessly bleeding through. perhaps kaz doesn't fully grasp the magnitude of what he does time and again, dragging him out of the dark, out of the stuff of his nightmares, both waking and not. only zoya has done that for him, been strong enough to shoulder his burdens and stand by his side. it's not something he takes lightly and it's not something he will ever, ever forget. ]
You doubt it because it's the easy way out — [ a quirked brow, a glint in his eye, ] For someone who still hasn't mastered asking for the wants you keep hidden in your heart. [ not to be trusted, indeed. but it's easier — less painful — to think of it in these terms, as a muscle to be stretched and tested than the things he wishes they could have if they were ordinary men. something to be learned instead of something to be given. ] And I don't mean a request for nearness or a shared breakfast. I mean the things you think about when you're alone.
[ he doesn't look away when kaz continues, the easy set of his jaw tightening just slightly as his mind races at the implications of his words. every seven days. he almost laughs aloud at the thought, his fingers rubbing pensively at the morning stubble at his chin. his breath quivers for a brief moment when kaz's careful fingers curl behind his ear. it took everything from you. very nearly so. he touches kaz's bandaged leg, letting his fingers linger. it's unsettling to hear that there's so much shared between kaz and the monster, that it has its own thoughts on kaz brekker, its own feelings and desires. he's just a lever, nothing more. and yet it had kissed him back, that much he's certain of, because of the way he'd woken with the shock of kaz's lips against his. ]
Don't. Don't apologize for it. [ he tilts his head, gesturing to the plate. it'll get cold if kaz doesn't eat, and he needs his strength, having drained his blood into the water, onto the sheets, down the monster's throat — his throat. his stomach turns, and he reaches for the brandy kaz had been rather ungenerous with, pouring a hefty splash into his nearly empty cup. ] I may have a questionable sense of honor, but the monster has none at all. Thinking of me when you're attempting to strategize against it will only serve to hinder you. We both know you're far too clever for that.
[ he reaches into the writing case for a worn, folded map, smoothing it out onto the table, one blackened fingertip tracing a path from ketterdam to djerholm. ] You say it wishes to feed every seven days, but it’s, frankly, highly improbable that we’ll reach a weekly port, considering Kerch is located conveniently in the middle of nowhere. That is to say, impossible. We’ll make several stops — I’ll ask Ehri for passage into Shu Han so we can replenish our supplies, and then we’ll stop several more times along the western coast of Ravka. [ his heart gives an uncomfortable little thump at the thought of seeing zoya again. of course she would come. wouldn’t she? ] So, if we’re seriously considering entertaining this ludicrous request at all, that means we’ll have to store an adorable little family of deer or such ilk in cargo, preferably alive, which is an unambiguously deplorable idea, or we allow the monster the freedom to leave the ship to hunt on its own. Which is the only worse idea than bringing a noisome and foul-smelling farm onto my ship.
That begs the question — [ he looks up again, still parsing through the glut of information about the night prior. the monster left only the same bruises on kaz, exploited an existing injury instead of creating a new one — a courtesy not extended to his own body. if the thing has somehow developed some sort of hateful fondness for brekker, if indeed he’s correct and there is something to be leveraged here… they can hardly afford not to use it. and the thought leaves this rather exquisite brandy turning sour on his tongue. ] If I ignore this hefty demand, what are the consequences? Did it give you an ultimatum? [ he pinches the bridge of his nose, heaving out a sigh. ] You may have to barter again. [ then, softer, regret in his voice, ] Prepared, this time.
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You doubt it because it's the easy way out — [ a quirked brow, a glint in his eye, ] For someone who still hasn't mastered asking for the wants you keep hidden in your heart. [ not to be trusted, indeed. but it's easier — less painful — to think of it in these terms, as a muscle to be stretched and tested than the things he wishes they could have if they were ordinary men. something to be learned instead of something to be given. ] And I don't mean a request for nearness or a shared breakfast. I mean the things you think about when you're alone.
[ he doesn't look away when kaz continues, the easy set of his jaw tightening just slightly as his mind races at the implications of his words. every seven days. he almost laughs aloud at the thought, his fingers rubbing pensively at the morning stubble at his chin. his breath quivers for a brief moment when kaz's careful fingers curl behind his ear. it took everything from you. very nearly so. he touches kaz's bandaged leg, letting his fingers linger. it's unsettling to hear that there's so much shared between kaz and the monster, that it has its own thoughts on kaz brekker, its own feelings and desires. he's just a lever, nothing more. and yet it had kissed him back, that much he's certain of, because of the way he'd woken with the shock of kaz's lips against his. ]
Don't. Don't apologize for it. [ he tilts his head, gesturing to the plate. it'll get cold if kaz doesn't eat, and he needs his strength, having drained his blood into the water, onto the sheets, down the monster's throat — his throat. his stomach turns, and he reaches for the brandy kaz had been rather ungenerous with, pouring a hefty splash into his nearly empty cup. ] I may have a questionable sense of honor, but the monster has none at all. Thinking of me when you're attempting to strategize against it will only serve to hinder you. We both know you're far too clever for that.
[ he reaches into the writing case for a worn, folded map, smoothing it out onto the table, one blackened fingertip tracing a path from ketterdam to djerholm. ] You say it wishes to feed every seven days, but it’s, frankly, highly improbable that we’ll reach a weekly port, considering Kerch is located conveniently in the middle of nowhere. That is to say, impossible. We’ll make several stops — I’ll ask Ehri for passage into Shu Han so we can replenish our supplies, and then we’ll stop several more times along the western coast of Ravka. [ his heart gives an uncomfortable little thump at the thought of seeing zoya again. of course she would come. wouldn’t she? ] So, if we’re seriously considering entertaining this ludicrous request at all, that means we’ll have to store an adorable little family of deer or such ilk in cargo, preferably alive, which is an unambiguously deplorable idea, or we allow the monster the freedom to leave the ship to hunt on its own. Which is the only worse idea than bringing a noisome and foul-smelling farm onto my ship.
That begs the question — [ he looks up again, still parsing through the glut of information about the night prior. the monster left only the same bruises on kaz, exploited an existing injury instead of creating a new one — a courtesy not extended to his own body. if the thing has somehow developed some sort of hateful fondness for brekker, if indeed he’s correct and there is something to be leveraged here… they can hardly afford not to use it. and the thought leaves this rather exquisite brandy turning sour on his tongue. ] If I ignore this hefty demand, what are the consequences? Did it give you an ultimatum? [ he pinches the bridge of his nose, heaving out a sigh. ] You may have to barter again. [ then, softer, regret in his voice, ] Prepared, this time.