[ it's impossible to say what he's hoping for, so many hopeless wants tangled up like briars in his head. he wants to exist apart from the madness creeping at the edges of his mind, for there to only be the warmth of kaz's mouth, the rock salt rasp of his voice, the experimental touch of his pale fingers as they twine into his hair and brush down his cheeks. all anchors he can hold onto, things to keep him here when the dark tries to pull him under. but they're past that now. the demon has a voice. it's chosen some part of kaz as its own anchor, its claws deep in kaz's flesh with no intention of letting go. nikolai knows that cutting both tethers is the only answer now, the demon's and his own, leaving kaz alone once more after everything.

he can't. not now. but looking at him now, sleepless and shadowed, the stench of blood still clinging to this room, he knows that allowing the demon to prey on him can only be a fleeting solution. once only. he lifts a finger and traces the pad his thumb beneath kaz's eye, his fingertip barely brushing the bottom of his dark lashes. after this voyage, after they reach fjerda, he can't rule out a painful untethering. not when he can't guarantee that a more permanent answer will ever present itself after all.

but of this he says nothing, because there are other promises he needs to extract first. he tugs kaz from the doorframe, mindful of the time he’s spent standing, their lips meeting in slow harmony as he guides him into the room. stripping the bed all for a little blood now feels a touch foolish, the mattress bare and uninviting, so he brings kaz to the floor instead, lowered into a mountain of pillows and sheets he’d thrown down in his discomfited tantrum. he can hardly bring himself to take a breath for want of kissing him, his eyes fluttering open to slide a pillow beneath kaz’s knee before he’s concentrated on his mouth again, hand cradling his cheek as he braces kaz gently against the side of the bed, leaning in like he’ll never be able to get close enough. ]

I trust you. [ to keep a hand on the wheel. he’ll need to, when nikolai is buried deep inside himself and unable to be his safety in the way he’s always endeavored. the kiss breaks, but he doesn’t move away, his eyes shuttered. it’s easier this way when he knows what he’s going to ask won’t be met with enthusiasm. his fingers glide slowly down kaz’s cheek, coming to rest at the curve of his throat, his thumb brushing over his bruised skin. ] But you have to make me a promise. Promise that you’ll defend yourself in any means necessary. That you won’t hesitate just because this thing is in my body, wearing my face. Swear it to me. [ he finally pulls back, taking kaz’s bandaged hand and pressing it to his heart, the wounds at his chest stinging beneath kaz’s fingers. ] Swear to me that I won’t wake up to find your body robbed of life by the monster. I would rather die. Swear that you’ll kill me first.

[ his hazel eyes are clear, steady. the only regret he feels is that he knows these demands are too great a burden to place upon anyone, that these words will sit like a serrated blade in kaz’s lungs each time he takes a breath. kaz will not forgive him, if it ever comes to this brutal end, but there are many crimes nikolai knows he’ll never earn forgiveness for. he doesn’t look away, gaze fixed on kaz’s eyes, bright sapphire only made more piercing with pain. ]

I will not kill for the monster. [ he’s done it enough, so many times that he’ll never be able to put a number to the lives he’s taken or absolve himself of this sin. he won’t add to it. ] And I will not feed from you unless you agree to my terms. This is not a barter.