[ he's prepared for any answer, even the ugliest of ones. has to be. reality has pushed aside every well-meaning fantasy he's tried to cultivate here, all his foolish efforts to give kaz a taste of things that aren't soaked in blood or death. ordinary things meant for people who aren't them. a small part of him though that perhaps with coming here he could be someone other than nikolai lantsov, that he could fabricate yet another new strand of an identity that has never belonged to him but that he's done well in collecting nonetheless. that he could still be useful if this person could give kaz all the things he's never been lucky enough to have. but he has the shadow to contend with, and it's the shadow that tells him who he needs to be now, and what he needs to let go of.
and still kaz gifts him with this. it's you. doesn't matter which you — perhaps kaz doesn’t see his fragments and masks the way nikolai does, donning them to feel like a wholly different man — only that kaz sees him and not it. his breath chokes suddenly — it’s always you — but he kisses him harder, only bereft of his mouth when kaz asks for something more, and nikolai doesn’t hesitate for even a moment, the thought of saying no never crossing his mind. an immediate reward for voicing a desire, his mouth finds a soft, hidden spot inches beneath kaz’s earlobe, teeth scraping against flesh before he sucks sharply, leaving a mark on the opposite side of his throat that his collar will neatly cover. he kisses the reddened skin, soothing it over with his tongue, and is diligently on his way to kissing along the whole of his jawline when kaz speaks again, effectively stalling his mouth.
yes, a part of him wishes he’d forgotten. a flush floods his cheeks, shame and desire warming him in equal parts, but for better or for worse, kaz never forgets anything. he wanted this — still wants this, to give every part of himself, to have this with kaz. when he asked before he’d been smarting with hurt and anger, reeking of desperation upon seeing kaz after such a prolonged absence (after walking into an empty room). arching into kaz’s touch, ever mindful of his injury, he kisses him while trying to tame the flight of nerves rushing through him. ]
Do I still what? Want this? [ it won’t do to let that doubt fester. the darkness has spread far past his own self to now infect kaz as well, but whatever his feelings about the shifting ground beneath them, there are some things even the monster can’t change. ] I want everything with you. For as long as I can have it. [ pulling his hand from kaz’s trousers, he grinds their hips together, his cavernous need eclipsing, for now, the unease of vulnerability. by some stroke of luck or the favor of the saints, kaz still wants him — doesn’t look at him as the fearsome, detestable thing that lives inside him, that’s become so much a part of him that nikolai doesn’t know where he ends and the monster begins. can’t say how long that will last. ] For as long as you’ll have me.
[ then they’re kissing again, heated and urgent, breaking apart sporadically so he can undress them both, sliding kaz’s shirt from his shoulders, lifting his hips to strip him bare of his trousers. nikolai shucks his own pants after him and rattles the drawer open, moving objects about haphazardly until he finally closes his fingers around the tin he’s looking for. the top clatters to the floor as he returns to his careful position in kaz’s lap, his hand slick as he grips kaz’s cock and drags his fingers from base to tip. his fingers tremble, his breath an unsteady cascade against kaz’s wet lips. the logistics of what he asked for suddenly press upon him, that he will have to stop and be still, theoretically, at least for a bit, and that does little to ease the tension holding tight to him. until now, he’s taken the natural lead in all their encounters, happy to offer kaz guidance and a space to stretch new muscles. it isn’t as if he doesn’t enjoy the other side (he does, immensely), but he’s shed many habits since the demon took hold, willingly yielding any inch of control being chief among them. ]
no subject
and still kaz gifts him with this. it's you. doesn't matter which you — perhaps kaz doesn’t see his fragments and masks the way nikolai does, donning them to feel like a wholly different man — only that kaz sees him and not it. his breath chokes suddenly — it’s always you — but he kisses him harder, only bereft of his mouth when kaz asks for something more, and nikolai doesn’t hesitate for even a moment, the thought of saying no never crossing his mind. an immediate reward for voicing a desire, his mouth finds a soft, hidden spot inches beneath kaz’s earlobe, teeth scraping against flesh before he sucks sharply, leaving a mark on the opposite side of his throat that his collar will neatly cover. he kisses the reddened skin, soothing it over with his tongue, and is diligently on his way to kissing along the whole of his jawline when kaz speaks again, effectively stalling his mouth.
yes, a part of him wishes he’d forgotten. a flush floods his cheeks, shame and desire warming him in equal parts, but for better or for worse, kaz never forgets anything. he wanted this — still wants this, to give every part of himself, to have this with kaz. when he asked before he’d been smarting with hurt and anger, reeking of desperation upon seeing kaz after such a prolonged absence (after walking into an empty room). arching into kaz’s touch, ever mindful of his injury, he kisses him while trying to tame the flight of nerves rushing through him. ]
Do I still what? Want this? [ it won’t do to let that doubt fester. the darkness has spread far past his own self to now infect kaz as well, but whatever his feelings about the shifting ground beneath them, there are some things even the monster can’t change. ] I want everything with you. For as long as I can have it. [ pulling his hand from kaz’s trousers, he grinds their hips together, his cavernous need eclipsing, for now, the unease of vulnerability. by some stroke of luck or the favor of the saints, kaz still wants him — doesn’t look at him as the fearsome, detestable thing that lives inside him, that’s become so much a part of him that nikolai doesn’t know where he ends and the monster begins. can’t say how long that will last. ] For as long as you’ll have me.
[ then they’re kissing again, heated and urgent, breaking apart sporadically so he can undress them both, sliding kaz’s shirt from his shoulders, lifting his hips to strip him bare of his trousers. nikolai shucks his own pants after him and rattles the drawer open, moving objects about haphazardly until he finally closes his fingers around the tin he’s looking for. the top clatters to the floor as he returns to his careful position in kaz’s lap, his hand slick as he grips kaz’s cock and drags his fingers from base to tip. his fingers tremble, his breath an unsteady cascade against kaz’s wet lips. the logistics of what he asked for suddenly press upon him, that he will have to stop and be still, theoretically, at least for a bit, and that does little to ease the tension holding tight to him. until now, he’s taken the natural lead in all their encounters, happy to offer kaz guidance and a space to stretch new muscles. it isn’t as if he doesn’t enjoy the other side (he does, immensely), but he’s shed many habits since the demon took hold, willingly yielding any inch of control being chief among them. ]