[ kaz is a fixed, solid point in the flurried tangle of his mind, calm where nikolai feels foolishly skittish, carefully guiding him against his every instinct to squander this moment. he's faced armies, looked kings and queens and death itself in the eye, and yet this perilous wanting is the thing that makes him want to flay his skin off. kaz turns an aching tenderness upon him, caught beneath the full weight of his careful attention — and kaz is attentive in all things, his eyes watchful even when he thinks nikolai doesn’t see, but he’s also frequently subdued, non-reactionary to nikolai’s steady stream of mindless words and antics. this is awareness of a different kind, the sort of care he needs in this moment as if he is the fledgling attempting to spread wings for the first time instead of the other way around.
although when he looks at kaz now it’s hard to believe that of him, with his gentle reassurances, firm but never pressing too hard. testing the waters, perhaps, of how much guidance nikolai will take. historically, it’s been little. to lay the mantle down after so long — so long that it feels all but welded to his shoulders — feels impossible. but kaz pulls him close, reorients him with a slow kiss and his languorous hands exploring his body, and nikolai finds himself responding in kind, his hand once again in kaz’s soft hair, his heart rabbiting in a quick but steady pace. it’s new for him — not the coarse action in itself, but the whole of this. he’s fallen into many beds, had experiences of many kinds, but none that have stripped him bare quite like kaz is able to, none that have meant so much or come so close to his heart. ]
It’s — good. [ stuttered into his mouth when kaz’s deft fingers wrap around his cock, simultaneous pressure spreading him open. he rocks forward, then backwards, wanting both with a gaping hunger, his skin flush with desire. ] It’s not too fast. [ i can wait sounds more like punishment for his bad behavior, but kaz doesn’t hold out for long, chasing his sweet promises with reward, and nikolai’s spine tightens, bracing one hand tighter against the bed as he finally broaches him. immediately, he wants more. ]
Another. [ he kisses him, nudging his hips up slightly so kaz can add a second finger, this time accompanied with a slow burn of pain that he relishes. his teeth catch at kaz’s bottom lip as he bears down, a helpless sound escaping the clench of his teeth. everything strikes discord in him, his eyes fluttering open, a crease in his brow. he’s shaken by how much he wants this, and how every breath feels lancing, tension singing in his bones. his words don’t sound like himself when he speaks, instead taking on the quality of someone less assured, someone who has allowed a deep seated fear to creep into the light. ] I don’t want everything from you. [ he falters; it sounds wrong, hurtful, the opposite of what he means. his fingers curl at kaz’s shoulder, a shudder taking him as he shifts. ] The monster wants to take everything from you. I only want you to stay.
[ a wholly selfish request when in his mind’s eye he’s all but decided that this must end when kaz has been excised of the merzost in his leg. he understands now why it hurts to breathe, and that it will hurt every time he looks at kaz until the moment he’s forced to cut him away like a dog from a leash, only kaz will never understand that he’s the dog and kaz is the one holding the leash. he rises suddenly, feeling the cold absence of kaz’s fingers, reaching down to wrap his hand firmly around kaz’s waiting cock. ]
I need you. [ never been one for begging, and yet it feels natural now, something fissuring in him at the weight of his own deception. he has time, dwindling though it may be. time to concoct a plan, to invent a new solution, only those weeks have been slashed to ribbons with the demon’s demands. every seven days he must forge an answer. there is no time, not with kaz’s wellbeing sitting flush in the middle. panic mingled with desire quickens his breath, a heady mixture. no time at all.
gripping the nape of kaz’s neck, he pulls him down as he sprawls onto his back among the pillows, drawing him between his legs. his green eyes are as dark as a forest at night, his hips rising in a desperate plea. ] Please. Don’t be gentle.
no subject
although when he looks at kaz now it’s hard to believe that of him, with his gentle reassurances, firm but never pressing too hard. testing the waters, perhaps, of how much guidance nikolai will take. historically, it’s been little. to lay the mantle down after so long — so long that it feels all but welded to his shoulders — feels impossible. but kaz pulls him close, reorients him with a slow kiss and his languorous hands exploring his body, and nikolai finds himself responding in kind, his hand once again in kaz’s soft hair, his heart rabbiting in a quick but steady pace. it’s new for him — not the coarse action in itself, but the whole of this. he’s fallen into many beds, had experiences of many kinds, but none that have stripped him bare quite like kaz is able to, none that have meant so much or come so close to his heart. ]
It’s — good. [ stuttered into his mouth when kaz’s deft fingers wrap around his cock, simultaneous pressure spreading him open. he rocks forward, then backwards, wanting both with a gaping hunger, his skin flush with desire. ] It’s not too fast. [ i can wait sounds more like punishment for his bad behavior, but kaz doesn’t hold out for long, chasing his sweet promises with reward, and nikolai’s spine tightens, bracing one hand tighter against the bed as he finally broaches him. immediately, he wants more. ]
Another. [ he kisses him, nudging his hips up slightly so kaz can add a second finger, this time accompanied with a slow burn of pain that he relishes. his teeth catch at kaz’s bottom lip as he bears down, a helpless sound escaping the clench of his teeth. everything strikes discord in him, his eyes fluttering open, a crease in his brow. he’s shaken by how much he wants this, and how every breath feels lancing, tension singing in his bones. his words don’t sound like himself when he speaks, instead taking on the quality of someone less assured, someone who has allowed a deep seated fear to creep into the light. ] I don’t want everything from you. [ he falters; it sounds wrong, hurtful, the opposite of what he means. his fingers curl at kaz’s shoulder, a shudder taking him as he shifts. ] The monster wants to take everything from you. I only want you to stay.
[ a wholly selfish request when in his mind’s eye he’s all but decided that this must end when kaz has been excised of the merzost in his leg. he understands now why it hurts to breathe, and that it will hurt every time he looks at kaz until the moment he’s forced to cut him away like a dog from a leash, only kaz will never understand that he’s the dog and kaz is the one holding the leash. he rises suddenly, feeling the cold absence of kaz’s fingers, reaching down to wrap his hand firmly around kaz’s waiting cock. ]
I need you. [ never been one for begging, and yet it feels natural now, something fissuring in him at the weight of his own deception. he has time, dwindling though it may be. time to concoct a plan, to invent a new solution, only those weeks have been slashed to ribbons with the demon’s demands. every seven days he must forge an answer. there is no time, not with kaz’s wellbeing sitting flush in the middle. panic mingled with desire quickens his breath, a heady mixture. no time at all.
gripping the nape of kaz’s neck, he pulls him down as he sprawls onto his back among the pillows, drawing him between his legs. his green eyes are as dark as a forest at night, his hips rising in a desperate plea. ] Please. Don’t be gentle.