[ he loves that kaz is clever, loves to watch his mind tick and whir through problems and solutions and endless plans, but being pinned under those eyes, that mind, with no hiding place to speak of that's strong enough to bear the full weight of kaz's scrutiny, is sudden agony. his lies are so easily exposed here, tongued open and discarded. he does want more. he's always wanted more, and kaz has risen to meet him again and again. when a simple brush of skin was everything, kaz gave it — then a kiss became everything, then a deeper touch, then spilled words, an ongoing spiral of things nikolai wanted and kaz found in him to master. and now this. a tipping point of things undeserved, and yet he wants it all the same, and he wants kaz to have this, too.
kaz, of course, treats him gently. it’s harder to bear than he could have imagined, after everything — to try to relax, to attempt to lower the barrier between heedless pleasure and the inescapable clamor of his thoughts. he’s eager to have kaz inside of him, but it comes with the heavy weight of gentle caresses, kaz’s fingers exploring places he’s never touched before. it isn’t the touch itself that unnerves him — it’s the quiet reverence with which kaz does so, as if his edges are still gilded, as if he still deserves to be handled with such care. he thinks of zoya sending him away, of his parents standing before him in os kervo’s city hall to renounce him as a pretender. he thinks of kaz’s fresh blood in his mouth, and how he has no choice but to hurt him again this very day.
he feels the shift when their fingers twine, kaz holding on as if he’ll be swept away by the tide, his hips still pushing doggedly into him as if nikolai’s pleasure is more important than anything else. a low moan tumbles past his lips, his lashes fluttering as he tries to keep kaz in his sights, wanting to make sure he’s all right. doesn’t like this feeling of his control slipping away, but there’s little he can do against it when no part of his body wants this to stop. ]
You do. You have me. [ a bitter truth, confessed in a tight breath. any other time it would make him glad in ways he’s wished for for so long — to belong, to be wanted — only this time he’s caught in an awful snare constructed by kaz and the monster. nowhere to go but forward, time shrinking down between now and the moment his razored teeth sink back into soft flesh. their hips join again, a raw brush of heat knocking his thoughts askew, his head tipping into a patch of sunlight as his back arches. he’s blinded momentarily when his gaze flutters open, his eyes bright gold in the sun, and then he moves, gripping the back of kaz’s neck to draw him down for a hard kiss. ]
It’s good. Keep going. [ he meets kaz’s thrusts, helping him to a rhythm while he feels his resolve melt away. it’s like trying to hold on to a ledge with slippery fingers, trying to hold back a dam with battered walls. his hand presses to kaz’s spine, urging him in deeper while his breath stutters, his hair darkening with sweat. ] I need it — to feel good for you, too. Does it? Tell me —
[ he tries to meet his gaze, but it feels too piercing, a small lance of panic cutting through his chest before he rises, spending a moment on a breathless kiss and then turning to brace against the side of the bed. he pulls kaz’s chest to his back, deft fingers finding kaz’s slick cock and sliding it back inside of him with a soft groan. craning over his shoulder, he steals another messy kiss, blond hair askew, his eyes near glassy with desperation. he pushes back, heat sparking between them. ] Please. Please.
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kaz, of course, treats him gently. it’s harder to bear than he could have imagined, after everything — to try to relax, to attempt to lower the barrier between heedless pleasure and the inescapable clamor of his thoughts. he’s eager to have kaz inside of him, but it comes with the heavy weight of gentle caresses, kaz’s fingers exploring places he’s never touched before. it isn’t the touch itself that unnerves him — it’s the quiet reverence with which kaz does so, as if his edges are still gilded, as if he still deserves to be handled with such care. he thinks of zoya sending him away, of his parents standing before him in os kervo’s city hall to renounce him as a pretender. he thinks of kaz’s fresh blood in his mouth, and how he has no choice but to hurt him again this very day.
he feels the shift when their fingers twine, kaz holding on as if he’ll be swept away by the tide, his hips still pushing doggedly into him as if nikolai’s pleasure is more important than anything else. a low moan tumbles past his lips, his lashes fluttering as he tries to keep kaz in his sights, wanting to make sure he’s all right. doesn’t like this feeling of his control slipping away, but there’s little he can do against it when no part of his body wants this to stop. ]
You do. You have me. [ a bitter truth, confessed in a tight breath. any other time it would make him glad in ways he’s wished for for so long — to belong, to be wanted — only this time he’s caught in an awful snare constructed by kaz and the monster. nowhere to go but forward, time shrinking down between now and the moment his razored teeth sink back into soft flesh. their hips join again, a raw brush of heat knocking his thoughts askew, his head tipping into a patch of sunlight as his back arches. he’s blinded momentarily when his gaze flutters open, his eyes bright gold in the sun, and then he moves, gripping the back of kaz’s neck to draw him down for a hard kiss. ]
It’s good. Keep going. [ he meets kaz’s thrusts, helping him to a rhythm while he feels his resolve melt away. it’s like trying to hold on to a ledge with slippery fingers, trying to hold back a dam with battered walls. his hand presses to kaz’s spine, urging him in deeper while his breath stutters, his hair darkening with sweat. ] I need it — to feel good for you, too. Does it? Tell me —
[ he tries to meet his gaze, but it feels too piercing, a small lance of panic cutting through his chest before he rises, spending a moment on a breathless kiss and then turning to brace against the side of the bed. he pulls kaz’s chest to his back, deft fingers finding kaz’s slick cock and sliding it back inside of him with a soft groan. craning over his shoulder, he steals another messy kiss, blond hair askew, his eyes near glassy with desperation. he pushes back, heat sparking between them. ] Please. Please.