[ he gives in. there was never any chance of fighting this, never any path that he wouldn't have found a way to twist to his own gain in order to lead him right back here. of all the firsts he's guided kaz carefully, painstakingly through, now kaz gives him this — not the physical act, but something sharper, deeper, something that cuts through every mask and falsehood to get to the very heart of him. a heart that no one else has faced with such unflinching clarity, scarred and twisted with darkness despite every desperate bid he makes to stay in the light.
perfect. a lie or the truth, it doesn’t matter now. nothing matters now except that he has kaz for this moment, has him in a way that’s more than good — good enough to forget the looming darkness snapping at his heels, the horrible, twisted bargain struck between man and monster. kaz will not let him run from it later, but now there’s only the slick pull of kaz’s nimble fingers, the arch of his spine with every thrust. the familiar rasp of his voice guides him toward the cusp of his pleasure — nikolai would be lost without it, without him, not just here in this moment, but for the months now that kaz brekker has occupied a space in the brambles of his thoughts, the one constant in a life marked by darkness and loss.
he comes with a hard shudder, kaz’s fingers working some miraculously cruel magic to wring a pathetically helpless sound from his throat, and he feels every tremor when kaz follows, both of nikolai’s hands gripping the bed, white-knuckled. nikolai moves even as time seems to halt around them, turning in kaz’s tender embrace to cradle his jaw, lifting his face to his for a breathless kiss, long and slow. kissing kaz brekker is its own sort of lovemaking, the give and take of it, the yielding of his body, the way kaz gives the whole of his attention to the act, the way every thought flies out of nikolai’s head with the soft slide of their mouths. his fingers caress kaz’s sweat-slicked skin, his heartbeat rabbiting against his own. nikolai relishes the mess their bodies have made together, and he wonders, fleetingly, if a part of kaz is tempering his revulsion right now. ]
Remember this. [ he runs a hand through kaz’s dark hair, then finds his hand, twining their fingers together. his lips never leave kaz’s, greedy, hungrily chasing his mouth. ] When I’m not myself. You have to remember who I really am. [ a prince, a privateer, a monster trying to be an ordinary man. he presses their linked hands to kaz’s fast-beating heart, alive. ] No matter what happens. Remember this.
[ he kisses kaz for as long as time allows it, until their breaths settle, until they’re tangled once again on the floor and the shadows lengthen through his bedroom window. until reality starts to creep back into the spin of his whirring mind, the ship’s preparations and kaz’s leg and the task of allowing the monster to feed. it will be the last thing they do tonight — it will put kaz out of commission and likely nikolai as well, at worst, and he’s not chancing that anything will go at best. when he rolls onto his back, he’s clear-eyed as he blinks at the ceiling, his thumb rubbing idly at kaz’s hip. ]
Get your affairs in order. Meet me back here when you’re done. [ he shifts to glance at him, smile in place. ] There’s no privacy in Fifth Harbor.
the year of my blessing
perfect. a lie or the truth, it doesn’t matter now. nothing matters now except that he has kaz for this moment, has him in a way that’s more than good — good enough to forget the looming darkness snapping at his heels, the horrible, twisted bargain struck between man and monster. kaz will not let him run from it later, but now there’s only the slick pull of kaz’s nimble fingers, the arch of his spine with every thrust. the familiar rasp of his voice guides him toward the cusp of his pleasure — nikolai would be lost without it, without him, not just here in this moment, but for the months now that kaz brekker has occupied a space in the brambles of his thoughts, the one constant in a life marked by darkness and loss.
he comes with a hard shudder, kaz’s fingers working some miraculously cruel magic to wring a pathetically helpless sound from his throat, and he feels every tremor when kaz follows, both of nikolai’s hands gripping the bed, white-knuckled. nikolai moves even as time seems to halt around them, turning in kaz’s tender embrace to cradle his jaw, lifting his face to his for a breathless kiss, long and slow. kissing kaz brekker is its own sort of lovemaking, the give and take of it, the yielding of his body, the way kaz gives the whole of his attention to the act, the way every thought flies out of nikolai’s head with the soft slide of their mouths. his fingers caress kaz’s sweat-slicked skin, his heartbeat rabbiting against his own. nikolai relishes the mess their bodies have made together, and he wonders, fleetingly, if a part of kaz is tempering his revulsion right now. ]
Remember this. [ he runs a hand through kaz’s dark hair, then finds his hand, twining their fingers together. his lips never leave kaz’s, greedy, hungrily chasing his mouth. ] When I’m not myself. You have to remember who I really am. [ a prince, a privateer, a monster trying to be an ordinary man. he presses their linked hands to kaz’s fast-beating heart, alive. ] No matter what happens. Remember this.
[ he kisses kaz for as long as time allows it, until their breaths settle, until they’re tangled once again on the floor and the shadows lengthen through his bedroom window. until reality starts to creep back into the spin of his whirring mind, the ship’s preparations and kaz’s leg and the task of allowing the monster to feed. it will be the last thing they do tonight — it will put kaz out of commission and likely nikolai as well, at worst, and he’s not chancing that anything will go at best. when he rolls onto his back, he’s clear-eyed as he blinks at the ceiling, his thumb rubbing idly at kaz’s hip. ]
Get your affairs in order. Meet me back here when you’re done. [ he shifts to glance at him, smile in place. ] There’s no privacy in Fifth Harbor.