[ that kaz feels good is more important than anything right now — it's always important, always something he wants to show him and teach him and remind him of, but especially right now and for wholly selfish reasons. it sets an entirely different sort of pleasure permeating through him, every sound in kaz's throat, every twitch of his muscles, every bit of him laid bare above him. he marvels again at how no one has ever had the chance to see this, that such a lovely sight has been hidden away from the world. how did he get so lucky that kaz chose him, of all people, to be witness to his undoing? not just a witness but responsible for it. a strained sound pulls out of him, his jaw aching and his throat raw, but it's too good to stop. he doesn't dare, meeting the cant of his hips again and again until he earns the pleasure of a sound he's never heard before, a cry that comes too quick and hard for kaz to quiet it like he normally does. it's better than birdsong, better than royal orchestras and even the crash of the sea. he swallows down every drop.
then he's laid out beside him, both of them a mess of worn bodies and humming pleasure. i'll admit. such a precise observation, kaz choosing his words as carefully as always. nikolai smiles a fool's grin at the wooden ceiling, unsure if the rocking he feels is from his ship or a trick of his head. when he glances over his heart leaps into his throat at the sight of kaz's eyes turned onto him, impossibly blue and so still, his own little piece of sky. ]
Then next time — [ he turns, settling onto his side and tucking kaz closely against him, his forehead pressed to his temple as he closes his eyes, fingers trailing down his hip. ] Let's try something you have thought about before. Something you've wanted only in the dark that you haven't told me of.
[ another challenge, but one he doesn't have to meet right away. it's dangerous to lie here like this, sated and warm, mixing brandy and orgasms, the taste of kaz still strongly on his tongue. he searches out his lips for a languid kiss, their fingers still twined together, sweat slicking their skin. dangerous indeed. it's suddenly the worst thought in the world that this moment will have to end, that he'll have to be banished back to his own quarters — alone, as he always is, cold chains biting in his wrists, the bitter taste of death on his tongue to drag him down into cold darkness. so different from the warmth he feels now, the heat of kaz's skin, the pulse of his heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his breath. there's none of that waiting for him when he closes his eyes. sleep has become such an ugly, frightful thing, something he dreads and longs for at once, longs for the way it used to be, peppered with nightmares since his early days at war, but nothing like this.
he exhales into kaz's good shoulder, a shudder passing through him. ] Don't make me go. [ another breath, his words slurred with drink or exhaustion or just his fear getting the better of him. he turns his face into the softness of his throat, nosing beneath his ear, sucking a messy kiss there that's sure to leave a bruise behind. kaz can easily get it tailored away. knows he won't. his voice turns thin and desperate, quietly pressed into his skin. ] Let me stay. Please. It's like dying. Every night. Can't... can't keep doing it. [ he can. he will. he always finds a way even if it makes him miserable. it's his most enduring trick. ] Just make it permanent.
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then he's laid out beside him, both of them a mess of worn bodies and humming pleasure. i'll admit. such a precise observation, kaz choosing his words as carefully as always. nikolai smiles a fool's grin at the wooden ceiling, unsure if the rocking he feels is from his ship or a trick of his head. when he glances over his heart leaps into his throat at the sight of kaz's eyes turned onto him, impossibly blue and so still, his own little piece of sky. ]
Then next time — [ he turns, settling onto his side and tucking kaz closely against him, his forehead pressed to his temple as he closes his eyes, fingers trailing down his hip. ] Let's try something you have thought about before. Something you've wanted only in the dark that you haven't told me of.
[ another challenge, but one he doesn't have to meet right away. it's dangerous to lie here like this, sated and warm, mixing brandy and orgasms, the taste of kaz still strongly on his tongue. he searches out his lips for a languid kiss, their fingers still twined together, sweat slicking their skin. dangerous indeed. it's suddenly the worst thought in the world that this moment will have to end, that he'll have to be banished back to his own quarters — alone, as he always is, cold chains biting in his wrists, the bitter taste of death on his tongue to drag him down into cold darkness. so different from the warmth he feels now, the heat of kaz's skin, the pulse of his heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his breath. there's none of that waiting for him when he closes his eyes. sleep has become such an ugly, frightful thing, something he dreads and longs for at once, longs for the way it used to be, peppered with nightmares since his early days at war, but nothing like this.
he exhales into kaz's good shoulder, a shudder passing through him. ] Don't make me go. [ another breath, his words slurred with drink or exhaustion or just his fear getting the better of him. he turns his face into the softness of his throat, nosing beneath his ear, sucking a messy kiss there that's sure to leave a bruise behind. kaz can easily get it tailored away. knows he won't. his voice turns thin and desperate, quietly pressed into his skin. ] Let me stay. Please. It's like dying. Every night. Can't... can't keep doing it. [ he can. he will. he always finds a way even if it makes him miserable. it's his most enduring trick. ] Just make it permanent.