[ that kaz feels good is more important than anything right now — it's always important, always something he wants to show him and teach him and remind him of, but especially right now and for wholly selfish reasons. it sets an entirely different sort of pleasure permeating through him, every sound in kaz's throat, every twitch of his muscles, every bit of him laid bare above him. he marvels again at how no one has ever had the chance to see this, that such a lovely sight has been hidden away from the world. how did he get so lucky that kaz chose him, of all people, to be witness to his undoing? not just a witness but responsible for it. a strained sound pulls out of him, his jaw aching and his throat raw, but it's too good to stop. he doesn't dare, meeting the cant of his hips again and again until he earns the pleasure of a sound he's never heard before, a cry that comes too quick and hard for kaz to quiet it like he normally does. it's better than birdsong, better than royal orchestras and even the crash of the sea. he swallows down every drop.
then he's laid out beside him, both of them a mess of worn bodies and humming pleasure. i'll admit. such a precise observation, kaz choosing his words as carefully as always. nikolai smiles a fool's grin at the wooden ceiling, unsure if the rocking he feels is from his ship or a trick of his head. when he glances over his heart leaps into his throat at the sight of kaz's eyes turned onto him, impossibly blue and so still, his own little piece of sky. ]
Then next time — [ he turns, settling onto his side and tucking kaz closely against him, his forehead pressed to his temple as he closes his eyes, fingers trailing down his hip. ] Let's try something you have thought about before. Something you've wanted only in the dark that you haven't told me of.
[ another challenge, but one he doesn't have to meet right away. it's dangerous to lie here like this, sated and warm, mixing brandy and orgasms, the taste of kaz still strongly on his tongue. he searches out his lips for a languid kiss, their fingers still twined together, sweat slicking their skin. dangerous indeed. it's suddenly the worst thought in the world that this moment will have to end, that he'll have to be banished back to his own quarters — alone, as he always is, cold chains biting in his wrists, the bitter taste of death on his tongue to drag him down into cold darkness. so different from the warmth he feels now, the heat of kaz's skin, the pulse of his heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his breath. there's none of that waiting for him when he closes his eyes. sleep has become such an ugly, frightful thing, something he dreads and longs for at once, longs for the way it used to be, peppered with nightmares since his early days at war, but nothing like this.
he exhales into kaz's good shoulder, a shudder passing through him. ] Don't make me go. [ another breath, his words slurred with drink or exhaustion or just his fear getting the better of him. he turns his face into the softness of his throat, nosing beneath his ear, sucking a messy kiss there that's sure to leave a bruise behind. kaz can easily get it tailored away. knows he won't. his voice turns thin and desperate, quietly pressed into his skin. ] Let me stay. Please. It's like dying. Every night. Can't... can't keep doing it. [ he can. he will. he always finds a way even if it makes him miserable. it's his most enduring trick. ] Just make it permanent.
[ next time. will nikolai finally stop trying to expel kaz, or does he mean to do it later — for a final time in ravka? foolish hope kindles inside him, anyway. kaz shifts slightly, intentionally brushing their noses. hardly knows how to return ordinary touches like this, but he wants them just as bad as all the rest, overriding every fearful instinct. when nikolai tugs them into alignment again, he sighs, flushing at the thought of asking for what he wants.
at least kaz notices now when nikolai is about to kiss him, mouth parting, tongue pressing back. already leaning in for another, hand splaying at his jaw and thumb stroking over his cheek. useless thoughts clatter inside him, cavernous mind illuminated by the afterglow of nikolai’s attentions. tell him. what? that he’s good and brilliant and brave? that the darkness, the depths will always have a hold on kaz, but not one so strong that he can’t drag himself into the light and give nikolai the things he deserves. a few days in the sun, a peaceful trip to the water. you don’t know what will follow you out, monstrous things unfit for a shared life. he can’t tame them all, but he could use them to protect nikolai, if that’s what he wanted.
nikolai fits into his shoulder, like the twist of a pick in a lock, and kaz inhales. how many times has he said you know i and finished the thought inadequately? he remembers how inej knew so little of his affections, even when all he could do was think of her. this time, kaz gathers what he can, and — and — nikolai speaks first.
the request carves him open, more fateful than a dagger plunged between them. the fragile possibility of a confession breaks under the weight of the blow. no easy answer comes in its place, though kaz knows he must be denied. his thoughts are scattered by nikolai marking him. a soft sound at the sensation of it, the very thought of it. would it be so terrible to let nikolai have everything he wants? yes. nikolai’s next words scrape the rungs of his ribs. he had known it was agony, abstractly, but to hear the nightmare made reality, like dying every night — kaz squeezes his hand and winds an arm around his back, pressing him closer, closer, closest despite the decay threatening every point of contact. practice holds the shake from his voice. ]
You can keep doing it, you will. Hang on just a little while longer. For me. [ never has please been so close to the tip of his tongue, knocking at his teeth. kaz tilts his head aside to look at nikolai, untangling their hands to cup his jaw and marvelling at how it fits perfectly against his palm. ] You know I won’t fail.
[ does nikolai know? this comfort is built for jesper and inej, the only others he’d take in his hands. whether they were frightened or unsure, kaz knows they would nod, all the faith he has in them turned back on him. but nikolai is different, noticing his mistakes, trying to send kaz away despite his belief that they can find the heart and bring the demon to a heel together. the timeline of nikolai’s suffering tracks along the darkling’s own. it will work, his gut and mind trusted over the doubts of others.
kaz kisses him again, pleading with the desperate pull of his tongue. the fierceness of it pushes his nose into nikolai’s cheek. when they part, he tips their foreheads together once more. ]
Have you wondered why my crows say no mourners, no funerals? [ hushed in his ear, fingers gentling through his hair, soothing at the nape of his neck. jordie must have done that for him, once. he continues without pause. ] It’s because people like me, like them, are as alone in this world as the next. And we always will be. Without families, friends, country. [ if he died, ketterdam would wash his blood off the cobblestones with slats of rain. ] No one will bury us under marble, or leave flowers to remember us. [ they’re nothings, except to each other. he thinks of nina carrying matthias all the way to fjerda, his body lying beneath the snow, never to be visited except in talk and memory. ] So it means good luck. And I promise I won’t die. Not today, not yet. [ he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s cheek. ]
I’ll come find you in the morning, like I always do. [ like he has regardless of whether nikolai opened his skin or heart the night before. ] I’ll kiss the wretched tonic from your mouth. And if you ask me to go to Ravka — [ his breath catches, choking on the truth. ] I’ll say yes.
[ kaz offers up a surprising amount of comfort. didn't think he was capable of it, a thought that doesn't shame him as much as stokes his curiosity to know more of what kaz brekker hides in the quiet depths of his soul. he's a good friend, something he already knew. shows it in his own ways, like his tireless tenacity in looking for this damnable heart simply because he thinks it will save him from this suffering. you know i won't fail. that's not what he's afraid of. kaz will get the heart, one way or another. he's afraid of what lengths he'll go to to obtain it.
he kisses him wordlessly, feeling the plea behind each movement of his mouth, the desperate flick of his tongue. his eyes feel too heavy to open again, but he does all the same, fluttering gently, a sigh pulled from his throat as kaz's fingers slide carefully through his hair, a gesture so intimate he must have learned it elsewhere. someone else touched him this way, a distant thought. it makes him glad. he wasn't always untouched, wasn't always alone. ]
I would remember you. [ whispered back immediately. he brushes their mouths together again, greedy, fingers tracing the length of his spine. knows what kaz is saying but fixates on something else entirely because it's easier to hold onto this than to his dwindling hope. ] I'd build you a tower of marble kruge and have fresh thorny flowers tossed at it daily to pay respects to your memory.
[ from somewhere deep inside, he finds a tired smile. fits his armor back into place. kaz's promises hold so much weight — too much weight than he has any right to ask for. it's been too long that the people he cares for have had to shoulder burdens that should be uniquely his. zoya, wrangling him back night after night. isaak, dying wearing his face. genya, losing david in an attack he failed to stop. how long will this job go on, and how much more will kaz bleed for it? for him? and still he curls into him, holding those promises close because he needs them too badly to do the right thing and put a stop to this. ]
You were mad at me when I first came in here. [ he huffs out a quiet laugh, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. no need to think about what's coming when he has kaz — naked — in his arms like this. there will be plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts, trying to keep his childish fears at bay. he expels a breath, trying and failing to keep his eyes open. ] Say yes now. Give me — [ he swallows, his heart thudding in his chest again. ] I think about you, in Ravka. Us. I have a laboratory there I want you to visit. Those submersibles I threatened The Wraith with, I want to show you one. I want to take you flying. I know I've said Ravka will find a way to bleed you dry, but there are good things there, too. I want to show you them. I want Genya to throw a party at the Grand Palace for no reason other than so we can slip away behind a staircase and do very scandalous things to each other. I want... give me these things to hold onto, and I'll be all right. Promise me a moonlight kiss on the terrace in my bedchambers, and I'll go peacefully to my death tonight. If not, I'll fall asleep here and make you carry me.
[ nikolai’s warm hands trail cool down his spine, a doubling sensation. ]
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.
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no subject
then he's laid out beside him, both of them a mess of worn bodies and humming pleasure. i'll admit. such a precise observation, kaz choosing his words as carefully as always. nikolai smiles a fool's grin at the wooden ceiling, unsure if the rocking he feels is from his ship or a trick of his head. when he glances over his heart leaps into his throat at the sight of kaz's eyes turned onto him, impossibly blue and so still, his own little piece of sky. ]
Then next time — [ he turns, settling onto his side and tucking kaz closely against him, his forehead pressed to his temple as he closes his eyes, fingers trailing down his hip. ] Let's try something you have thought about before. Something you've wanted only in the dark that you haven't told me of.
[ another challenge, but one he doesn't have to meet right away. it's dangerous to lie here like this, sated and warm, mixing brandy and orgasms, the taste of kaz still strongly on his tongue. he searches out his lips for a languid kiss, their fingers still twined together, sweat slicking their skin. dangerous indeed. it's suddenly the worst thought in the world that this moment will have to end, that he'll have to be banished back to his own quarters — alone, as he always is, cold chains biting in his wrists, the bitter taste of death on his tongue to drag him down into cold darkness. so different from the warmth he feels now, the heat of kaz's skin, the pulse of his heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his breath. there's none of that waiting for him when he closes his eyes. sleep has become such an ugly, frightful thing, something he dreads and longs for at once, longs for the way it used to be, peppered with nightmares since his early days at war, but nothing like this.
he exhales into kaz's good shoulder, a shudder passing through him. ] Don't make me go. [ another breath, his words slurred with drink or exhaustion or just his fear getting the better of him. he turns his face into the softness of his throat, nosing beneath his ear, sucking a messy kiss there that's sure to leave a bruise behind. kaz can easily get it tailored away. knows he won't. his voice turns thin and desperate, quietly pressed into his skin. ] Let me stay. Please. It's like dying. Every night. Can't... can't keep doing it. [ he can. he will. he always finds a way even if it makes him miserable. it's his most enduring trick. ] Just make it permanent.
no subject
at least kaz notices now when nikolai is about to kiss him, mouth parting, tongue pressing back. already leaning in for another, hand splaying at his jaw and thumb stroking over his cheek. useless thoughts clatter inside him, cavernous mind illuminated by the afterglow of nikolai’s attentions. tell him. what? that he’s good and brilliant and brave? that the darkness, the depths will always have a hold on kaz, but not one so strong that he can’t drag himself into the light and give nikolai the things he deserves. a few days in the sun, a peaceful trip to the water. you don’t know what will follow you out, monstrous things unfit for a shared life. he can’t tame them all, but he could use them to protect nikolai, if that’s what he wanted.
nikolai fits into his shoulder, like the twist of a pick in a lock, and kaz inhales. how many times has he said you know i and finished the thought inadequately? he remembers how inej knew so little of his affections, even when all he could do was think of her. this time, kaz gathers what he can, and — and — nikolai speaks first.
the request carves him open, more fateful than a dagger plunged between them. the fragile possibility of a confession breaks under the weight of the blow. no easy answer comes in its place, though kaz knows he must be denied. his thoughts are scattered by nikolai marking him. a soft sound at the sensation of it, the very thought of it. would it be so terrible to let nikolai have everything he wants? yes. nikolai’s next words scrape the rungs of his ribs. he had known it was agony, abstractly, but to hear the nightmare made reality, like dying every night — kaz squeezes his hand and winds an arm around his back, pressing him closer, closer, closest despite the decay threatening every point of contact. practice holds the shake from his voice. ]
You can keep doing it, you will. Hang on just a little while longer. For me. [ never has please been so close to the tip of his tongue, knocking at his teeth. kaz tilts his head aside to look at nikolai, untangling their hands to cup his jaw and marvelling at how it fits perfectly against his palm. ] You know I won’t fail.
[ does nikolai know? this comfort is built for jesper and inej, the only others he’d take in his hands. whether they were frightened or unsure, kaz knows they would nod, all the faith he has in them turned back on him. but nikolai is different, noticing his mistakes, trying to send kaz away despite his belief that they can find the heart and bring the demon to a heel together. the timeline of nikolai’s suffering tracks along the darkling’s own. it will work, his gut and mind trusted over the doubts of others.
kaz kisses him again, pleading with the desperate pull of his tongue. the fierceness of it pushes his nose into nikolai’s cheek. when they part, he tips their foreheads together once more. ]
Have you wondered why my crows say no mourners, no funerals? [ hushed in his ear, fingers gentling through his hair, soothing at the nape of his neck. jordie must have done that for him, once. he continues without pause. ] It’s because people like me, like them, are as alone in this world as the next. And we always will be. Without families, friends, country. [ if he died, ketterdam would wash his blood off the cobblestones with slats of rain. ] No one will bury us under marble, or leave flowers to remember us. [ they’re nothings, except to each other. he thinks of nina carrying matthias all the way to fjerda, his body lying beneath the snow, never to be visited except in talk and memory. ] So it means good luck. And I promise I won’t die. Not today, not yet. [ he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s cheek. ]
I’ll come find you in the morning, like I always do. [ like he has regardless of whether nikolai opened his skin or heart the night before. ] I’ll kiss the wretched tonic from your mouth. And if you ask me to go to Ravka — [ his breath catches, choking on the truth. ] I’ll say yes.
no subject
he kisses him wordlessly, feeling the plea behind each movement of his mouth, the desperate flick of his tongue. his eyes feel too heavy to open again, but he does all the same, fluttering gently, a sigh pulled from his throat as kaz's fingers slide carefully through his hair, a gesture so intimate he must have learned it elsewhere. someone else touched him this way, a distant thought. it makes him glad. he wasn't always untouched, wasn't always alone. ]
I would remember you. [ whispered back immediately. he brushes their mouths together again, greedy, fingers tracing the length of his spine. knows what kaz is saying but fixates on something else entirely because it's easier to hold onto this than to his dwindling hope. ] I'd build you a tower of marble kruge and have fresh thorny flowers tossed at it daily to pay respects to your memory.
[ from somewhere deep inside, he finds a tired smile. fits his armor back into place. kaz's promises hold so much weight — too much weight than he has any right to ask for. it's been too long that the people he cares for have had to shoulder burdens that should be uniquely his. zoya, wrangling him back night after night. isaak, dying wearing his face. genya, losing david in an attack he failed to stop. how long will this job go on, and how much more will kaz bleed for it? for him? and still he curls into him, holding those promises close because he needs them too badly to do the right thing and put a stop to this. ]
You were mad at me when I first came in here. [ he huffs out a quiet laugh, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. no need to think about what's coming when he has kaz — naked — in his arms like this. there will be plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts, trying to keep his childish fears at bay. he expels a breath, trying and failing to keep his eyes open. ] Say yes now. Give me — [ he swallows, his heart thudding in his chest again. ] I think about you, in Ravka. Us. I have a laboratory there I want you to visit. Those submersibles I threatened The Wraith with, I want to show you one. I want to take you flying. I know I've said Ravka will find a way to bleed you dry, but there are good things there, too. I want to show you them. I want Genya to throw a party at the Grand Palace for no reason other than so we can slip away behind a staircase and do very scandalous things to each other. I want... give me these things to hold onto, and I'll be all right. Promise me a moonlight kiss on the terrace in my bedchambers, and I'll go peacefully to my death tonight. If not, I'll fall asleep here and make you carry me.
no subject
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.