[ kaz offers up a surprising amount of comfort. didn't think he was capable of it, a thought that doesn't shame him as much as stokes his curiosity to know more of what kaz brekker hides in the quiet depths of his soul. he's a good friend, something he already knew. shows it in his own ways, like his tireless tenacity in looking for this damnable heart simply because he thinks it will save him from this suffering. you know i won't fail. that's not what he's afraid of. kaz will get the heart, one way or another. he's afraid of what lengths he'll go to to obtain it.
he kisses him wordlessly, feeling the plea behind each movement of his mouth, the desperate flick of his tongue. his eyes feel too heavy to open again, but he does all the same, fluttering gently, a sigh pulled from his throat as kaz's fingers slide carefully through his hair, a gesture so intimate he must have learned it elsewhere. someone else touched him this way, a distant thought. it makes him glad. he wasn't always untouched, wasn't always alone. ]
I would remember you. [ whispered back immediately. he brushes their mouths together again, greedy, fingers tracing the length of his spine. knows what kaz is saying but fixates on something else entirely because it's easier to hold onto this than to his dwindling hope. ] I'd build you a tower of marble kruge and have fresh thorny flowers tossed at it daily to pay respects to your memory.
[ from somewhere deep inside, he finds a tired smile. fits his armor back into place. kaz's promises hold so much weight — too much weight than he has any right to ask for. it's been too long that the people he cares for have had to shoulder burdens that should be uniquely his. zoya, wrangling him back night after night. isaak, dying wearing his face. genya, losing david in an attack he failed to stop. how long will this job go on, and how much more will kaz bleed for it? for him? and still he curls into him, holding those promises close because he needs them too badly to do the right thing and put a stop to this. ]
You were mad at me when I first came in here. [ he huffs out a quiet laugh, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. no need to think about what's coming when he has kaz — naked — in his arms like this. there will be plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts, trying to keep his childish fears at bay. he expels a breath, trying and failing to keep his eyes open. ] Say yes now. Give me — [ he swallows, his heart thudding in his chest again. ] I think about you, in Ravka. Us. I have a laboratory there I want you to visit. Those submersibles I threatened The Wraith with, I want to show you one. I want to take you flying. I know I've said Ravka will find a way to bleed you dry, but there are good things there, too. I want to show you them. I want Genya to throw a party at the Grand Palace for no reason other than so we can slip away behind a staircase and do very scandalous things to each other. I want... give me these things to hold onto, and I'll be all right. Promise me a moonlight kiss on the terrace in my bedchambers, and I'll go peacefully to my death tonight. If not, I'll fall asleep here and make you carry me.
[ nikolai’s warm hands trail cool down his spine, a doubling sensation. ]
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.
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he kisses him wordlessly, feeling the plea behind each movement of his mouth, the desperate flick of his tongue. his eyes feel too heavy to open again, but he does all the same, fluttering gently, a sigh pulled from his throat as kaz's fingers slide carefully through his hair, a gesture so intimate he must have learned it elsewhere. someone else touched him this way, a distant thought. it makes him glad. he wasn't always untouched, wasn't always alone. ]
I would remember you. [ whispered back immediately. he brushes their mouths together again, greedy, fingers tracing the length of his spine. knows what kaz is saying but fixates on something else entirely because it's easier to hold onto this than to his dwindling hope. ] I'd build you a tower of marble kruge and have fresh thorny flowers tossed at it daily to pay respects to your memory.
[ from somewhere deep inside, he finds a tired smile. fits his armor back into place. kaz's promises hold so much weight — too much weight than he has any right to ask for. it's been too long that the people he cares for have had to shoulder burdens that should be uniquely his. zoya, wrangling him back night after night. isaak, dying wearing his face. genya, losing david in an attack he failed to stop. how long will this job go on, and how much more will kaz bleed for it? for him? and still he curls into him, holding those promises close because he needs them too badly to do the right thing and put a stop to this. ]
You were mad at me when I first came in here. [ he huffs out a quiet laugh, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. no need to think about what's coming when he has kaz — naked — in his arms like this. there will be plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts, trying to keep his childish fears at bay. he expels a breath, trying and failing to keep his eyes open. ] Say yes now. Give me — [ he swallows, his heart thudding in his chest again. ] I think about you, in Ravka. Us. I have a laboratory there I want you to visit. Those submersibles I threatened The Wraith with, I want to show you one. I want to take you flying. I know I've said Ravka will find a way to bleed you dry, but there are good things there, too. I want to show you them. I want Genya to throw a party at the Grand Palace for no reason other than so we can slip away behind a staircase and do very scandalous things to each other. I want... give me these things to hold onto, and I'll be all right. Promise me a moonlight kiss on the terrace in my bedchambers, and I'll go peacefully to my death tonight. If not, I'll fall asleep here and make you carry me.
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[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.