[ next time. will nikolai finally stop trying to expel kaz, or does he mean to do it later — for a final time in ravka? foolish hope kindles inside him, anyway. kaz shifts slightly, intentionally brushing their noses. hardly knows how to return ordinary touches like this, but he wants them just as bad as all the rest, overriding every fearful instinct. when nikolai tugs them into alignment again, he sighs, flushing at the thought of asking for what he wants.
at least kaz notices now when nikolai is about to kiss him, mouth parting, tongue pressing back. already leaning in for another, hand splaying at his jaw and thumb stroking over his cheek. useless thoughts clatter inside him, cavernous mind illuminated by the afterglow of nikolai’s attentions. tell him. what? that he’s good and brilliant and brave? that the darkness, the depths will always have a hold on kaz, but not one so strong that he can’t drag himself into the light and give nikolai the things he deserves. a few days in the sun, a peaceful trip to the water. you don’t know what will follow you out, monstrous things unfit for a shared life. he can’t tame them all, but he could use them to protect nikolai, if that’s what he wanted.
nikolai fits into his shoulder, like the twist of a pick in a lock, and kaz inhales. how many times has he said you know i and finished the thought inadequately? he remembers how inej knew so little of his affections, even when all he could do was think of her. this time, kaz gathers what he can, and — and — nikolai speaks first.
the request carves him open, more fateful than a dagger plunged between them. the fragile possibility of a confession breaks under the weight of the blow. no easy answer comes in its place, though kaz knows he must be denied. his thoughts are scattered by nikolai marking him. a soft sound at the sensation of it, the very thought of it. would it be so terrible to let nikolai have everything he wants? yes. nikolai’s next words scrape the rungs of his ribs. he had known it was agony, abstractly, but to hear the nightmare made reality, like dying every night — kaz squeezes his hand and winds an arm around his back, pressing him closer, closer, closest despite the decay threatening every point of contact. practice holds the shake from his voice. ]
You can keep doing it, you will. Hang on just a little while longer. For me. [ never has please been so close to the tip of his tongue, knocking at his teeth. kaz tilts his head aside to look at nikolai, untangling their hands to cup his jaw and marvelling at how it fits perfectly against his palm. ] You know I won’t fail.
[ does nikolai know? this comfort is built for jesper and inej, the only others he’d take in his hands. whether they were frightened or unsure, kaz knows they would nod, all the faith he has in them turned back on him. but nikolai is different, noticing his mistakes, trying to send kaz away despite his belief that they can find the heart and bring the demon to a heel together. the timeline of nikolai’s suffering tracks along the darkling’s own. it will work, his gut and mind trusted over the doubts of others.
kaz kisses him again, pleading with the desperate pull of his tongue. the fierceness of it pushes his nose into nikolai’s cheek. when they part, he tips their foreheads together once more. ]
Have you wondered why my crows say no mourners, no funerals? [ hushed in his ear, fingers gentling through his hair, soothing at the nape of his neck. jordie must have done that for him, once. he continues without pause. ] It’s because people like me, like them, are as alone in this world as the next. And we always will be. Without families, friends, country. [ if he died, ketterdam would wash his blood off the cobblestones with slats of rain. ] No one will bury us under marble, or leave flowers to remember us. [ they’re nothings, except to each other. he thinks of nina carrying matthias all the way to fjerda, his body lying beneath the snow, never to be visited except in talk and memory. ] So it means good luck. And I promise I won’t die. Not today, not yet. [ he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s cheek. ]
I’ll come find you in the morning, like I always do. [ like he has regardless of whether nikolai opened his skin or heart the night before. ] I’ll kiss the wretched tonic from your mouth. And if you ask me to go to Ravka — [ his breath catches, choking on the truth. ] I’ll say yes.
no subject
at least kaz notices now when nikolai is about to kiss him, mouth parting, tongue pressing back. already leaning in for another, hand splaying at his jaw and thumb stroking over his cheek. useless thoughts clatter inside him, cavernous mind illuminated by the afterglow of nikolai’s attentions. tell him. what? that he’s good and brilliant and brave? that the darkness, the depths will always have a hold on kaz, but not one so strong that he can’t drag himself into the light and give nikolai the things he deserves. a few days in the sun, a peaceful trip to the water. you don’t know what will follow you out, monstrous things unfit for a shared life. he can’t tame them all, but he could use them to protect nikolai, if that’s what he wanted.
nikolai fits into his shoulder, like the twist of a pick in a lock, and kaz inhales. how many times has he said you know i and finished the thought inadequately? he remembers how inej knew so little of his affections, even when all he could do was think of her. this time, kaz gathers what he can, and — and — nikolai speaks first.
the request carves him open, more fateful than a dagger plunged between them. the fragile possibility of a confession breaks under the weight of the blow. no easy answer comes in its place, though kaz knows he must be denied. his thoughts are scattered by nikolai marking him. a soft sound at the sensation of it, the very thought of it. would it be so terrible to let nikolai have everything he wants? yes. nikolai’s next words scrape the rungs of his ribs. he had known it was agony, abstractly, but to hear the nightmare made reality, like dying every night — kaz squeezes his hand and winds an arm around his back, pressing him closer, closer, closest despite the decay threatening every point of contact. practice holds the shake from his voice. ]
You can keep doing it, you will. Hang on just a little while longer. For me. [ never has please been so close to the tip of his tongue, knocking at his teeth. kaz tilts his head aside to look at nikolai, untangling their hands to cup his jaw and marvelling at how it fits perfectly against his palm. ] You know I won’t fail.
[ does nikolai know? this comfort is built for jesper and inej, the only others he’d take in his hands. whether they were frightened or unsure, kaz knows they would nod, all the faith he has in them turned back on him. but nikolai is different, noticing his mistakes, trying to send kaz away despite his belief that they can find the heart and bring the demon to a heel together. the timeline of nikolai’s suffering tracks along the darkling’s own. it will work, his gut and mind trusted over the doubts of others.
kaz kisses him again, pleading with the desperate pull of his tongue. the fierceness of it pushes his nose into nikolai’s cheek. when they part, he tips their foreheads together once more. ]
Have you wondered why my crows say no mourners, no funerals? [ hushed in his ear, fingers gentling through his hair, soothing at the nape of his neck. jordie must have done that for him, once. he continues without pause. ] It’s because people like me, like them, are as alone in this world as the next. And we always will be. Without families, friends, country. [ if he died, ketterdam would wash his blood off the cobblestones with slats of rain. ] No one will bury us under marble, or leave flowers to remember us. [ they’re nothings, except to each other. he thinks of nina carrying matthias all the way to fjerda, his body lying beneath the snow, never to be visited except in talk and memory. ] So it means good luck. And I promise I won’t die. Not today, not yet. [ he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s cheek. ]
I’ll come find you in the morning, like I always do. [ like he has regardless of whether nikolai opened his skin or heart the night before. ] I’ll kiss the wretched tonic from your mouth. And if you ask me to go to Ravka — [ his breath catches, choking on the truth. ] I’ll say yes.