[ nikolai’s warm hands trail cool down his spine, a doubling sensation. ]
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.
no subject
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.