[ kaz offers him small concessions, not exactly an unveiling — not that he expected one — but uncovering his thoughts little by little, enough that nikolai pays less attention to his touch than his words. he's been disconnected for too long, too caught up in his own head and kept away from his people for what zoya thinks is for his safety. it stings his pride that kaz knows better of the happenings outside of the palace walls than he does these days, that his people have gone so far to organize to some level of competence against him. if only they'd used some of that ingenuity during the civil war. ]

It's too late to leave me behind. You shouldn't have mentioned it to me, otherwise. [ kaz hasn't met his gaze for most of this, but he does now, the moonlight catching the color of his eyes. nikolai has memorized the particular shade of blue, looks for it in everything when kaz isn't around — the stained glass in the palace, the fresh flowers the servants cut for the tables, the sky through the bars at his window. none of it compares to the real thing, a view he'll sorely miss. the sapphire sparkles at his finger, pulling him from his thoughts. his hand finds kaz's wrist, flashing a brief smile. ] What do their conversations sound like? Do they mention how handsome I am? Do they miss my face on the money? I've heard the old coin has become quite the collectors item.

[ absently tracing the lines of blue-green veins at kaz's pale wrist, his eyes lower, expression sobering. of course kaz has been concocting a scheme to protect him. to diffuse the bomb his life has become. is it so he can leave? there's no other explanation for why he's still here, not after all the time they haven't even spoken. his fingertip moves over the creases in kaz's palm, another sensation he wonders if he's ever experienced. ]

This isn't about alliances. This is about making amends. Making things right. [ perhaps he's the only one that still cares about that sentiment. possible that he's the only one that ever cared. he laces their fingers together and squeezes tight, looking into kaz's eyes. ] Do you understand that? I know what you're trying to do. But these people are owed justice that they'll never get. The least we can do is try not to manipulate them into a profitable scheme. [ he looks away with a shake of his head. ] Not we. You haven't done anything wrong to them. In any case, I'm coming with you whether you want me to or not, so I'm afraid you'll have to put up with my terminal heroism for a bit longer. And if you try to sneak off without me you might as well sneak your way onto a ship back to Ketterdam because I'm rather irritating when I'm cross and you'll likely want to kill me yourself once I find you.

[ he pulls away, a spike of frustration rising in his chest. kaz's warmth disappearing from his side feels like a loss. he sheds his boots, striding barefoot down the grassy bank to the edge of the still lake. ] This isn't a game, Brekker. No one wins, except maybe you, because in the end you get to leave this place. We all have to stay and live with the mess I've made.

[ with a quick breath, he slips beneath the water, disappearing with hardly a splash. he's been here hundreds of times, could swim the entire expanse of the lake with his eyes closed. can't see anything in the inky darkness of the night anyway. he relaxes his limbs, letting himself drift underwater, holding his breath even as his chest grows tight. he's not ready to come back up because it's all beginning to feel too real — facing his crimes, asking for the sort of forgiveness he knows he doesn't deserve, watching kaz board a ship and leave him. ]