[ kaz feels nikolai tense before he hears the sharp edge in his voice. expected. fair. a marked shift from his attitude prior to their last fight. finally, kaz brekker isn’t something nikolai tamed in need of protection but instead the source of damage. good. let him think the worst of you. his gaze follows nikolai’s hands, a flicker of hunger swiftly snuffed out by the explanation of his scar. ]
I like you better alive. [ a confession that comes too quick to be anything but true. he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s temple because the impulse strikes him — and because it conveniently precludes eye contact. your tell. the tip of his gaze to inej in the harbour, the inevitable pull of it towards nikolai wherever he is in a room. he digs his nails into his palm, drawing his focus down his free arm and across the water.
the thought of entering the lake never occurs to him, but he imagines nikolai would enjoy it, burnished with sunlight. ]
Easy. [ kaz squeezes his side, fingers slipping under his shirt. copycat. they skim his waistband next, hooking inside to follow his hipbone further down, hopeful for a shiver that has nothing to do with the evening breeze. ] I’ve been a good soldier, moi tsar. [ always is, when it suits him. zoya can attest that he has dutifully matched the drawings to almost all of the families already. his mouth tugs sideways into a smirk. ] And I’m anything but rash. [ he thinks of relieving oomen of his sight and dropping him in the sea. perhaps he is a liar, when it comes to revealing his nature, but the only ravkan kaz injured on this trip is nikolai — nikolai, kissing him gently to offset the harshness of his accusation. appreciated but unnecessary. of course he has his own game. he’s kaz brekker. (but if he were the same kaz brekker that accepted the ice court job, he’d say nothing more until the game’s end.) ]
If I have something she wants, [ like nikolai, for instance. ] she’ll listen before anyone has to shoot. [ his hand abruptly reverses course, smoothing up the planes of nikolai’s stomach and over his chest to trace the starburst scar. another tell. can’t help but study the miracle that is nikolai’s presence, the unstoppable pulse under his hand. if any of their gods and saints are real, they must want him to live. how could they not? ] Persuading her to back down will lower the temperature of the conversation everywhere. [ and nearly eliminate the likelihood of further, competent assassination attempts from within ravka (at least as revenge for the demon’s work). and if they play this right, he could see ketterdam in mere days, disappearing before nikolai has to make his usual daylight excuses. ] I'll secure a Ravkan contact who isn’t terminally heroic. [ he catches nikolai’s eye. ] For business reasons. [ """business reasons""" ] She'll make a profitable alliance in return. It's the rare game where everyone wins.
[ kaz offers him small concessions, not exactly an unveiling — not that he expected one — but uncovering his thoughts little by little, enough that nikolai pays less attention to his touch than his words. he's been disconnected for too long, too caught up in his own head and kept away from his people for what zoya thinks is for his safety. it stings his pride that kaz knows better of the happenings outside of the palace walls than he does these days, that his people have gone so far to organize to some level of competence against him. if only they'd used some of that ingenuity during the civil war. ]
It's too late to leave me behind. You shouldn't have mentioned it to me, otherwise. [ kaz hasn't met his gaze for most of this, but he does now, the moonlight catching the color of his eyes. nikolai has memorized the particular shade of blue, looks for it in everything when kaz isn't around — the stained glass in the palace, the fresh flowers the servants cut for the tables, the sky through the bars at his window. none of it compares to the real thing, a view he'll sorely miss. the sapphire sparkles at his finger, pulling him from his thoughts. his hand finds kaz's wrist, flashing a brief smile. ] What do their conversations sound like? Do they mention how handsome I am? Do they miss my face on the money? I've heard the old coin has become quite the collectors item.
[ absently tracing the lines of blue-green veins at kaz's pale wrist, his eyes lower, expression sobering. of course kaz has been concocting a scheme to protect him. to diffuse the bomb his life has become. is it so he can leave? there's no other explanation for why he's still here, not after all the time they haven't even spoken. his fingertip moves over the creases in kaz's palm, another sensation he wonders if he's ever experienced. ]
This isn't about alliances. This is about making amends. Making things right. [ perhaps he's the only one that still cares about that sentiment. possible that he's the only one that ever cared. he laces their fingers together and squeezes tight, looking into kaz's eyes. ] Do you understand that? I know what you're trying to do. But these people are owed justice that they'll never get. The least we can do is try not to manipulate them into a profitable scheme. [ he looks away with a shake of his head. ] Not we. You haven't done anything wrong to them. In any case, I'm coming with you whether you want me to or not, so I'm afraid you'll have to put up with my terminal heroism for a bit longer. And if you try to sneak off without me you might as well sneak your way onto a ship back to Ketterdam because I'm rather irritating when I'm cross and you'll likely want to kill me yourself once I find you.
[ he pulls away, a spike of frustration rising in his chest. kaz's warmth disappearing from his side feels like a loss. he sheds his boots, striding barefoot down the grassy bank to the edge of the still lake. ] This isn't a game, Brekker. No one wins, except maybe you, because in the end you get to leave this place. We all have to stay and live with the mess I've made.
[ with a quick breath, he slips beneath the water, disappearing with hardly a splash. he's been here hundreds of times, could swim the entire expanse of the lake with his eyes closed. can't see anything in the inky darkness of the night anyway. he relaxes his limbs, letting himself drift underwater, holding his breath even as his chest grows tight. he's not ready to come back up because it's all beginning to feel too real — facing his crimes, asking for the sort of forgiveness he knows he doesn't deserve, watching kaz board a ship and leave him. ]
[ as anticipated, nikolai proves unhappy with his methods and just spiteful enough to join the job. more surprising is the prick of guilt kaz feels for having goaded and disappointed him in rapid succession. you were always going to. a vengeful spirit, a selfish creature. perhaps nikolai would like to fix him in that regard, too, but no one can.
he stays the retorts in his mouth, focused on masking any reaction to nikolai’s departure. when he disappears beneath the black water, kaz drops his head to his knee and drags his hands through his hair. why should he be punished for returning to where he belongs, when nikolai wishes to stay here so badly that he’d rather die than live in exile? it isn’t as if he’s truly gone, when nikolai could come find him whenever he wanted or write him when he lacks the time. but he won’t. there are limits to his want, it seems.
it takes kaz longer than it should to act, but the next thing nikolai feels will be kaz’s hand on his head, pushing him deeper with brute strength until his body instinctively sputters. however much he wants to die, the individual cells and limbs don’t — certainly not painfully — they’ll always fight to live. kaz then yanks nikolai above the water by the shirt (his shirt), tearing the topmost buttons along the way. and if nikolai doesn’t clear his lungs of his own accord, kaz will ensure he does by force. ]
Of course I get to leave, you dramatic skiv. This isn’t my country. [ his city, his crew, his enemies, duties and debts all lie elsewhere. you’ve barely looked at me in days. you didn’t want me here in the first place. you told me to leave on sight. ] I came back for you of my own accord. [ he danced around admitting that on the first day, saying he would have done it, if asked, but the truth is he only came because zoya invoked nikolai in the first place. ] I stayed for you. I keep getting in this damned water — because I — I know that it’s about making amends for you. [ he loosens his grip on nikolai’s collar, all too aware of the cold seeping into his skin, the pain in his leg from a long day and night. a shark doesn’t fear the water, but his sense memory chills him all the same. ]
I found everyone who wishes to meet already, so you can make amends with them. [ because nikolai understands the puzzle of each person, too, and won’t be able to run from his responsibilities when they come to him in the flesh. ] But there are others. And for them, it’s about power. [ a barely perceptible ache undercuts his rasp. ] They were made to feel helpless. [ by the demon, by losses so great they had to rewrite the rules of their universe to carry on after them. ] That’s what I can — what I will offer them. [ it’s all he can offer anyone in this situation (trapped at the menagerie like inej, drowning in debts like jesper): the backing and tools to never feel helpless again. that's power. and without justice, power is everything. ]
I’m still here. [ his voice softens. ] For a little while longer. [ long enough to help nikolai to his feet, or so he hopes. half-expecting to be pushed away, he cards his hand back through nikolai’s wet hair, sliding lower to the damp curve of his neck. ]
[ it's immediate, the way the demon rears when kaz shoves him down. panic floods him for an entirely different reason than the thought of drowning — he won't, he'd never, the thought that he'd die in such a way is entirely absurd — and he barely reins the beast in before he comes up with a gasp he doesn't want to take, eyes opening wide to face the brunt of kaz's displeasure, water dripping from his lashes. he could tip him into the water from his angle, a sentiment he swiftly discards. that would ruin things. ruin things further. he's been trying to hold this broken thing together in his hands but it keeps slipping away from him, just like everything else — and it will until he fixes himself somehow, but is that even possible anymore? he shudders, a flicker of black lacing across his skin, there and gone. ]
You don't need me anymore. [ the words are out before he can snatch them back — and he dearly wants to snatch them back. what a daft thing to say. it sounds like an accusation when it should be a good thing. it's what he wanted all along, for kaz to move beyond this, beyond him. but now he's on the precipice of just that, and nikolai feels like he's fallen into a pit of darkness with no walls to climb, nothing to catch his bearings on. ] And I — [ what? what can he say? love you? he can't. he said it to dominik and he died. he doesn't trust that he's cleared that disaster, that he's not still dangerous. not after everything that's happened. and what is kaz supposed to do with that anyway? ] You don't need me anymore, but I need you. I need you for more than just a little while. I need you to stay by my side, but I can't — I can't ask that of you, and I can't keep you, because people... people aren't things. It's always been like you said.
[ eyes falling shut, a shiver skitters over his skin at the sensation of kaz's nimble fingers winding through his dripping hair, settling lower. he wants to climb out of the lake and hold kaz one last time tonight, wet clothes and all, but he clings to the bank instead, floating gently in the water, trying to pull the shards of his thoughts together. he can't keep being a lovesick boy. tomorrow he has to be something closer to a king, something more like the man he used to be once upon a time, before he became a monster. kaz doesn't need him anymore. maybe he should take comfort in it instead of mourning it.
he finds kaz's hand in the dark, squeezes his cold fingers. ] You need to go back to Ketterdam. You've done more than your part here. I've kept you away from your life long enough. [ his eyes remain steady, his voice doesn't waver. the practiced ease of saying all kinds of things he doesn't want to say comes back to him like an old, familiar habit. moreover, it's the right thing to do. doesn't make it any easier. ] You'll set sail the evening after tomorrow. I can't keep wondering how long you'll be here, and I know you're needed back home. We both know that everything that's coming I have to do alone anyway.
[ a quick breath. he finds a smile, digging his elbows into the grassy bank so he can crane his neck higher, brushing a brief kiss to kaz's lips. he looks twice as pale in the moonlight, the sharp angles of his face cast in shadow, like a statue of marble. maybe they never should have left the bed after all. ]
Take the garden path back to the hothouse. I need to be alone. [ slowly, their hands slip apart. the night feels colder this way. ] I have to think about what to say tomorrow.
[ saints, he never manages to say the right thing, the right way, does he? always pushing nikolai as soon as he reels him in. can’t stop the flash of confusion that only starts to hints at hurt (possibilities of visiting the laboratory, of further closeness, winking out) before he flattens his expression. nikolai makes these decisions in seconds, and they’re impossible to undo. a king’s will.
you don’t need me anymore, as if nikolai has finally managed to sever their tether — as if fixing him was all that mattered (and that work surely isn’t done). nikolai understands so much about him but not this. because you don’t let him. withholding since their first meeting here and even in their last, with nikolai begging him to stay. should have savoured that more, now that he’s being sent away. still, it’s the right move for the both of them and stings all the more for it. it isn’t fair to keep nikolai in purgatory, inviting him to ask for support and then reminding him it can’t last. dangerous for kaz to stray so far from the harbour, too, where brekker was born. palace luxuries, ravkan pleasantries, and tender company all conspire to make him soft.
no place for him here, and no place for nikolai in ketterdam with him. ]
It’s never been about need for me. [ is that unkind to say? he only means it to be honest. cane in hand, he rises to his feet on unsteady legs. hard to recalibrate when nikolai changes the rules of the game, but he can do it. worse storms than this have rattled through him before. ] I want you. [ his throat tightens, voice thinning. ] I want you to — [ to come back. no, can’t drag him backwards when he’s stumbling onward. let him go. he shudders an exhale. ]
They want to meet you. The families. [ through the anger and hurt, there’s the yawning need for answers. as much as any can exist, nikolai has them. ] They knew the king long before they met the monster. [ he pivots on his left heel to leave, tossing a final remark over his shoulder. ] Something about a handsome face on what little coin this country has.
[ he stops short of saying something else he knows to be true. you don’t need me, either. doesn’t matter, unless nikolai believes it himself. only he can face his shadow.
it’s decided then, in his mind, that he’ll further speed up the timeline for both their sakes. even with the walk and rousing annika, he can force his proposed meeting into the wee hours of this very morning and spirit his crew away by first light. it’ll be trickier to rush this, but it’s doable. better not to deal with nikolai or zoya on the way out. he'll accept the latter's wrath in the post (and the former's disappointment in silence, presumably).
the crows weather his sour mood on the trip home. ]
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no subject
I like you better alive. [ a confession that comes too quick to be anything but true. he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s temple because the impulse strikes him — and because it conveniently precludes eye contact. your tell. the tip of his gaze to inej in the harbour, the inevitable pull of it towards nikolai wherever he is in a room. he digs his nails into his palm, drawing his focus down his free arm and across the water.
the thought of entering the lake never occurs to him, but he imagines nikolai would enjoy it, burnished with sunlight. ]
Easy. [ kaz squeezes his side, fingers slipping under his shirt. copycat. they skim his waistband next, hooking inside to follow his hipbone further down, hopeful for a shiver that has nothing to do with the evening breeze. ] I’ve been a good soldier, moi tsar. [ always is, when it suits him. zoya can attest that he has dutifully matched the drawings to almost all of the families already. his mouth tugs sideways into a smirk. ] And I’m anything but rash. [ he thinks of relieving oomen of his sight and dropping him in the sea. perhaps he is a liar, when it comes to revealing his nature, but the only ravkan kaz injured on this trip is nikolai — nikolai, kissing him gently to offset the harshness of his accusation. appreciated but unnecessary. of course he has his own game. he’s kaz brekker. (but if he were the same kaz brekker that accepted the ice court job, he’d say nothing more until the game’s end.) ]
If I have something she wants, [ like nikolai, for instance. ] she’ll listen before anyone has to shoot. [ his hand abruptly reverses course, smoothing up the planes of nikolai’s stomach and over his chest to trace the starburst scar. another tell. can’t help but study the miracle that is nikolai’s presence, the unstoppable pulse under his hand. if any of their gods and saints are real, they must want him to live. how could they not? ] Persuading her to back down will lower the temperature of the conversation everywhere. [ and nearly eliminate the likelihood of further, competent assassination attempts from within ravka (at least as revenge for the demon’s work). and if they play this right, he could see ketterdam in mere days, disappearing before nikolai has to make his usual daylight excuses. ] I'll secure a Ravkan contact who isn’t terminally heroic. [ he catches nikolai’s eye. ] For business reasons. [ """business reasons""" ] She'll make a profitable alliance in return. It's the rare game where everyone wins.
no subject
It's too late to leave me behind. You shouldn't have mentioned it to me, otherwise. [ kaz hasn't met his gaze for most of this, but he does now, the moonlight catching the color of his eyes. nikolai has memorized the particular shade of blue, looks for it in everything when kaz isn't around — the stained glass in the palace, the fresh flowers the servants cut for the tables, the sky through the bars at his window. none of it compares to the real thing, a view he'll sorely miss. the sapphire sparkles at his finger, pulling him from his thoughts. his hand finds kaz's wrist, flashing a brief smile. ] What do their conversations sound like? Do they mention how handsome I am? Do they miss my face on the money? I've heard the old coin has become quite the collectors item.
[ absently tracing the lines of blue-green veins at kaz's pale wrist, his eyes lower, expression sobering. of course kaz has been concocting a scheme to protect him. to diffuse the bomb his life has become. is it so he can leave? there's no other explanation for why he's still here, not after all the time they haven't even spoken. his fingertip moves over the creases in kaz's palm, another sensation he wonders if he's ever experienced. ]
This isn't about alliances. This is about making amends. Making things right. [ perhaps he's the only one that still cares about that sentiment. possible that he's the only one that ever cared. he laces their fingers together and squeezes tight, looking into kaz's eyes. ] Do you understand that? I know what you're trying to do. But these people are owed justice that they'll never get. The least we can do is try not to manipulate them into a profitable scheme. [ he looks away with a shake of his head. ] Not we. You haven't done anything wrong to them. In any case, I'm coming with you whether you want me to or not, so I'm afraid you'll have to put up with my terminal heroism for a bit longer. And if you try to sneak off without me you might as well sneak your way onto a ship back to Ketterdam because I'm rather irritating when I'm cross and you'll likely want to kill me yourself once I find you.
[ he pulls away, a spike of frustration rising in his chest. kaz's warmth disappearing from his side feels like a loss. he sheds his boots, striding barefoot down the grassy bank to the edge of the still lake. ] This isn't a game, Brekker. No one wins, except maybe you, because in the end you get to leave this place. We all have to stay and live with the mess I've made.
[ with a quick breath, he slips beneath the water, disappearing with hardly a splash. he's been here hundreds of times, could swim the entire expanse of the lake with his eyes closed. can't see anything in the inky darkness of the night anyway. he relaxes his limbs, letting himself drift underwater, holding his breath even as his chest grows tight. he's not ready to come back up because it's all beginning to feel too real — facing his crimes, asking for the sort of forgiveness he knows he doesn't deserve, watching kaz board a ship and leave him. ]
no subject
he stays the retorts in his mouth, focused on masking any reaction to nikolai’s departure. when he disappears beneath the black water, kaz drops his head to his knee and drags his hands through his hair. why should he be punished for returning to where he belongs, when nikolai wishes to stay here so badly that he’d rather die than live in exile? it isn’t as if he’s truly gone, when nikolai could come find him whenever he wanted or write him when he lacks the time. but he won’t. there are limits to his want, it seems.
it takes kaz longer than it should to act, but the next thing nikolai feels will be kaz’s hand on his head, pushing him deeper with brute strength until his body instinctively sputters. however much he wants to die, the individual cells and limbs don’t — certainly not painfully — they’ll always fight to live. kaz then yanks nikolai above the water by the shirt (his shirt), tearing the topmost buttons along the way. and if nikolai doesn’t clear his lungs of his own accord, kaz will ensure he does by force. ]
Of course I get to leave, you dramatic skiv. This isn’t my country. [ his city, his crew, his enemies, duties and debts all lie elsewhere. you’ve barely looked at me in days. you didn’t want me here in the first place. you told me to leave on sight. ] I came back for you of my own accord. [ he danced around admitting that on the first day, saying he would have done it, if asked, but the truth is he only came because zoya invoked nikolai in the first place. ] I stayed for you. I keep getting in this damned water — because I — I know that it’s about making amends for you. [ he loosens his grip on nikolai’s collar, all too aware of the cold seeping into his skin, the pain in his leg from a long day and night. a shark doesn’t fear the water, but his sense memory chills him all the same. ]
I found everyone who wishes to meet already, so you can make amends with them. [ because nikolai understands the puzzle of each person, too, and won’t be able to run from his responsibilities when they come to him in the flesh. ] But there are others. And for them, it’s about power. [ a barely perceptible ache undercuts his rasp. ] They were made to feel helpless. [ by the demon, by losses so great they had to rewrite the rules of their universe to carry on after them. ] That’s what I can — what I will offer them. [ it’s all he can offer anyone in this situation (trapped at the menagerie like inej, drowning in debts like jesper): the backing and tools to never feel helpless again. that's power. and without justice, power is everything. ]
I’m still here. [ his voice softens. ] For a little while longer. [ long enough to help nikolai to his feet, or so he hopes. half-expecting to be pushed away, he cards his hand back through nikolai’s wet hair, sliding lower to the damp curve of his neck. ]
no subject
You don't need me anymore. [ the words are out before he can snatch them back — and he dearly wants to snatch them back. what a daft thing to say. it sounds like an accusation when it should be a good thing. it's what he wanted all along, for kaz to move beyond this, beyond him. but now he's on the precipice of just that, and nikolai feels like he's fallen into a pit of darkness with no walls to climb, nothing to catch his bearings on. ] And I — [ what? what can he say? love you? he can't. he said it to dominik and he died. he doesn't trust that he's cleared that disaster, that he's not still dangerous. not after everything that's happened. and what is kaz supposed to do with that anyway? ] You don't need me anymore, but I need you. I need you for more than just a little while. I need you to stay by my side, but I can't — I can't ask that of you, and I can't keep you, because people... people aren't things. It's always been like you said.
[ eyes falling shut, a shiver skitters over his skin at the sensation of kaz's nimble fingers winding through his dripping hair, settling lower. he wants to climb out of the lake and hold kaz one last time tonight, wet clothes and all, but he clings to the bank instead, floating gently in the water, trying to pull the shards of his thoughts together. he can't keep being a lovesick boy. tomorrow he has to be something closer to a king, something more like the man he used to be once upon a time, before he became a monster. kaz doesn't need him anymore. maybe he should take comfort in it instead of mourning it.
he finds kaz's hand in the dark, squeezes his cold fingers. ] You need to go back to Ketterdam. You've done more than your part here. I've kept you away from your life long enough. [ his eyes remain steady, his voice doesn't waver. the practiced ease of saying all kinds of things he doesn't want to say comes back to him like an old, familiar habit. moreover, it's the right thing to do. doesn't make it any easier. ] You'll set sail the evening after tomorrow. I can't keep wondering how long you'll be here, and I know you're needed back home. We both know that everything that's coming I have to do alone anyway.
[ a quick breath. he finds a smile, digging his elbows into the grassy bank so he can crane his neck higher, brushing a brief kiss to kaz's lips. he looks twice as pale in the moonlight, the sharp angles of his face cast in shadow, like a statue of marble. maybe they never should have left the bed after all. ]
Take the garden path back to the hothouse. I need to be alone. [ slowly, their hands slip apart. the night feels colder this way. ] I have to think about what to say tomorrow.
no subject
you don’t need me anymore, as if nikolai has finally managed to sever their tether — as if fixing him was all that mattered (and that work surely isn’t done). nikolai understands so much about him but not this. because you don’t let him. withholding since their first meeting here and even in their last, with nikolai begging him to stay. should have savoured that more, now that he’s being sent away. still, it’s the right move for the both of them and stings all the more for it. it isn’t fair to keep nikolai in purgatory, inviting him to ask for support and then reminding him it can’t last. dangerous for kaz to stray so far from the harbour, too, where brekker was born. palace luxuries, ravkan pleasantries, and tender company all conspire to make him soft.
no place for him here, and no place for nikolai in ketterdam with him. ]
It’s never been about need for me. [ is that unkind to say? he only means it to be honest. cane in hand, he rises to his feet on unsteady legs. hard to recalibrate when nikolai changes the rules of the game, but he can do it. worse storms than this have rattled through him before. ] I want you. [ his throat tightens, voice thinning. ] I want you to — [ to come back. no, can’t drag him backwards when he’s stumbling onward. let him go. he shudders an exhale. ]
They want to meet you. The families. [ through the anger and hurt, there’s the yawning need for answers. as much as any can exist, nikolai has them. ] They knew the king long before they met the monster. [ he pivots on his left heel to leave, tossing a final remark over his shoulder. ] Something about a handsome face on what little coin this country has.
[ he stops short of saying something else he knows to be true. you don’t need me, either. doesn’t matter, unless nikolai believes it himself. only he can face his shadow.
it’s decided then, in his mind, that he’ll further speed up the timeline for both their sakes. even with the walk and rousing annika, he can force his proposed meeting into the wee hours of this very morning and spirit his crew away by first light. it’ll be trickier to rush this, but it’s doable. better not to deal with nikolai or zoya on the way out. he'll accept the latter's wrath in the post (and the former's disappointment in silence, presumably).
the crows weather his sour mood on the trip home. ]