[ heat in his stomach, blazing hot up his spine, lighting his cheeks and countering the breeze. the open window — kaz reminds himself that only nikolai can see him now (maybe he’s the only one who ever can, as of late). can feel it in the shiver that jerks his hips flush as nikolai swallows his cock. he asked nikolai to look and so he returns the stare, lidded eyes drawn low. revealing all the same. a fair deal to hold his gaze, eyes green as emeralds, spring fields, bone lights in the true dark. this close, it’s less about the shifted lines of his face and more the distinct energy which characterises nikolai’s movements. never still, stretching his jaw until it aches. frenetic to an even greater degree than usual.
hard to identify his ring among the garish collection, but kaz reckons he manages it, dragging a finger over the ridge of nikolai’s knuckle below the familiar cut of the gem, then allowing himself to be caught. i’m done holding your hand rings hollower from a distance. something nikolai thinks he himself doesn’t deserve, not that he wished to stop giving. a spate of affection, buoyed by the confidence that comes from his position in ketterdam.
for the first time, they’re in his domain. he holds nikolai down until his lashes glisten in the setting sun. between his thudding heart and panting breaths, nikolai must know — but he doesn’t — he always doubts — kaz throws his head back, groan torn from his throat by nikolai’s relentless tongue. didn’t imagine the reverb in nikolai’s chest, either, a wanton moan that makes his softening cock twitch. he lets his mouth grin sharklike as nikolai dives into chatter, looking wonderfully debased and unsatisfied.
i like having something worth giving you, he knew. i like when you take, he didn’t. should have, granted, when that’s all he does. if it wasn’t liked — well. they’d hardly be suited to each other. and they are well-matched, aren’t they? kaz levers his good leg to sit comfortably on the sill. considers tidying himself up and leaving it at that, the empty exchange that nikolai hoped it would be early on their partnership. nikolai’s touch distracts him on cue, his breath catching. ]
I prefer dogs to most company. [ said wryly, as one hand fists in nikolai’s hair to drag him up by the scruff and the other, still linked, yanks nikolai into his lap for a change, only untangling their fingers to grip his waist. a weight he feared the first time, the living body as heavy as the dead, and manages now. not as overwhelming as nikolai covering him and pushing inside him, after all. kaz winds nikolai close as he mouths up his throat and nips a mark in the spot nikolai likes so much on him. ] You wouldn’t like me decorous. [ though he might witness the saccharine politeness that bootlicking requires later. just good business. no trace of it now in a stolen kiss, the greedy press of his tongue working in tandem with the strong hands that peel his coat off his shoulders to skate down his back. ]
Will you be my date tonight, Nikolai? [ rasped like any other proposition. ] I’m only attending for business, I’ll despise everyone there but you — which I’m sure you’ll enjoy — and I’ll bring you the best brandy a merch can buy. [ kaz noses along his cheekbone, trailing kisses to the shell of his ear. one hand quickly opens his fly and wraps his fingers around his cock. ] And will you stay after? [ fear daggers into his back. is this how nikolai feels, after being made to ask for his tender wants? ] In my bed. Until I’ve found you somewhere better. [ it’s not forever, never is. nikolai wants him now, maybe needs him now, but he’ll leave once he’s had his fill — once he’s had enough. they always do. ] Fit for a privateer king.
[ kaz can gift him this until then, if he’ll have it. he tips back enough to glimpse nikolai’s face, watching his features for signs that he’s steered them down the wrong alley. even if he has, he can’t help himself — ] Everything you have is worth taking.
[ he's not expecting more, not in such wide open view, not when kaz has a reputation to maintain — but perhaps that's part of the draw of taking a city by force. he can do these things. it's not as if this is a declaration of two lovers, the thing nikolai wants to steer clear of to avoid giving kaz's enemies a weapon to use against him. he didn't come here to get caught in the crossfire of ketterdam's gang wars. but when kaz pulls him closer than he anticipated, his mouth roaming along his throat to press to the thrum of his pulse, it puts a crack in his plan to remain glib and unaffected by all of this.
his eyes flutter open briefly at the request, another surprise. can't answer because they're kissing now, igniting a perilous need that nikolai desperately needs to throw dirt on. his breath stutters when kaz's fingers wrap firmly around his cock, his hips pushing into his touch as he sheds his remaining glove so he can sneak his fingers beneath kaz’s rucked up shirt, grazing lines of muscle. his teal coat falls down his shoulders when kaz pushes it away, revealing a frilly white shirt of a fabric far too fine for an average pirate, a collection of gold around his neck. kaz’s lips travel across his cheek, warm breath at his ear, the granite rasp of his voice sending a shudder through him. in my bed. finally. heat flushes his face, his cock twitching in his grip. ]
I suppose I have no other obligations tonight. [ spine arching, he brings a hand up to slide through kaz’s neat hair, watching stray locks fall loose beneath his careless touch. everything you have is worth taking. a breathless scoff, his eyes trailing to the window. doesn’t know if it’s true, doesn’t know if it’s good or terrible to hear it. his mind is stuck on kaz’s bed anyway, on the thought of being in it, touching kaz in it. a place he must have believed would only ever occupy one person. the dwindling light casts a fiery glow across kaz’s pale skin. a kiss in the ketterdam sunset. nikolai steals another, the desperate slide of their mouths, a soft groan rising in his throat. his hips urge closer, fingers gripping the sill behind kaz’s head as he pushes into kaz’s hand, wanting more, needing it in a way he’s kept buried but now is being steadily unearthed by the rapid unraveling of his life. ]
Yes. [ breathless agreement for all kaz offers. the magnitude that any of it is being offered at all isn’t lost on him. ] Yes, I’ll go. As your date. To your bed. Anywhere. I want — [ everything, all of it. so much that there’s no way anyone can fill the gaping emptiness inside of him left by the loss of his country. he thinks of the guest suite in the palace, how empty it had been, no trace that kaz had ever set foot inside. it stings even now, makes his grip tighten on his shirt, his teeth scraping along the side of kaz’s throat as he hisses in a quivering breath. ] I want you. [ his thighs tighten, throat bobbing as he swallows down a whimper. ] Have you ever… [ of course he hasn’t. another rush of breath, eyes pressing shut. ] I want you to fuck me, Brekker. In your bed. Tonight, or — any night, it doesn’t… doesn’t matter, I just — need you. I need you.
[ his mind grinds to a halt. how is he meant to share his bed, when his nightmares have only gotten worse, when he can’t sleep without binding himself — what is he asking for, what is he agreeing to? his hips jerk into kaz’s hand, pleasure cutting into him, drowning out the sudden noise in his head, the panic that wants to surface. a muffled gasp escapes his lips as he ruts helplessly against him, a whine in his throat, his blackened fingers clenching tighter at the window. he should move back, make an attempt at propriety, but nothing could make him want to leave the circle of kaz’s arms, a rush of heat rising to meet him. the wood splinters suddenly beneath his grip when he comes, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.
his hand slides away from the sill, his taut muscles growing slack as shivers dance over his skin. leans in for a breathless kiss, blood smearing across kaz’s mouth, then rests their foreheads together, panting softly. he flexes his hand down at kaz’s side, sharp fingertips slowly disappearing. ]
You need a tailor in your employ. [ as if it’s a simple matter to find a good tailor. none would compare to genya anyway. ] Sturmhond doesn’t mind a rugged appearance, but Nikolai prefers a more polished look. I’m parched, Brekker. I’m ready for a rambunctious party and my fine brandy.
[ nikolai follows his momentum, just as kaz did for him. give and take. alignment. the rock of his hips into the clutch of his hand, breath hitching and hands wandering. it feels dangerously good to give nikolai what he wanted — perhaps what he needed, when he seems incapable of passive, tempered wanting. he huffs a breath as nikolai musses his tidy hair, expected and no less warming for it. nikolai likes to make a mess of him, and he invited it by tugging him close. (maybe he likes it, too.) the only disruptive force tolerated in his life. a soft sound falls from his lips as nikolai says yes. yes to something that’s happening imminently, that can’t burn in the sunlight, even if it still might fracture in the hours that trail this closeness. want you, need you — desperation that nikolai tries to keep in hand and fails. it’s exquisite, everything from the way his thighs tighten — like they might tonight, with kaz taking him apart and reassembling his shaky pieces. even though it’s not the first time for nikolai, it matters to be wanted, trusted, incited into intimacies where nikolai, too, faces terrors. ]
You have me. [ instinctive assurance, the sort of nonsense he never offers anyone, but nikolai, just by being here, pries open the rusted hatch in his skull and excavates tenderness. ] Anything you want. [ of a pair with anywhere, though perhaps more true. ] Want that — you just as much. Tonight. Every night. [ stupid to say that when nikolai clearly wants a space of his own. can’t be helped. would offer anything to the nikolai that rattles apart in his arms now. heart racing, stomach fluttering, confessions fizzing behind his teeth. another thing he wanted and didn’t have to ask for because nikolai left a trail of stones to follow. nikolai in his city, in his bed, the stuff of fantasies flitting into his grasp. too fragile for someone like him to keep hold.
still, kaz must have held him above water better than the last time, with nikolai chasing more kisses and huddling close — instead of turning away, regrets on his tongue. kaz bumps their noses before tipping his head against the sill, a half-smile stuck in place before he can stop it. something macabre in the way his tongue darts out to swipe the blood smudged at his mouth. after wiping his hand on nikolai’s fine silk shirt, he plucks the pocket square from his suit jacket with a flourish. ]
You know some messes can be cleaned by hand. [ kaz cradles nikolai’s jaw and gently thumbs the fabric over his red mouth. ] But I happen to have a fine tailor already — Milena will meet us in wardrobe. [ at the hidden entrance to the opera house, since they’ll both be changing. there’s a wet stain on kaz’s thigh from nikolai coming in a rush. he closes his hand, lined with fabric, around nikolai’s cock and squeezes before carefully cleaning him up (to the best of his ability). ] And then you’ll have your party.
[ his gaze flickers over nikolai’s features. quieter then, ] Do you really want to — tonight?
I wonder if your tailor is of royal merit. I have high standards, you know. [ a shaky smile as kaz cleans him up with a care he finds he's unused to being turned on him like this. their moments of intimacy are deep enough to cut through flesh and bone, but few and far between. hard to believe he can still count on one hand the amount of times he's been allowed to share a bed with kaz. maybe again, tonight. maybe not. the stars never seem to want to align in their favor.
briefly, he meets kaz's eyes at the question. is there uncertainty there? kaz is harder to read than the archaic poetry tolya pores over. ] I think the question is if you want to. I'm a bit past want at this point. Have you thought of it before? I have in depth, but you guard your thoughts in a way that I don't.
[ there's a part of him that wants to pull the window closed, to draw the curtains shut, to bury himself against kaz and let him feel just how much he needs him. kaz opened a wound when he spirited off into the night without saying a word, a wound that nikolai hasn't known how to close all this time when in the end it was his fault that he left, so he soldiered on like always, and now he can't anymore with the threshold of loss pushing against him like a crumbling cave. to be angry about what kaz did is easier than thinking of everything else that hurts so much more, of zoya and ravka and his people. at least kaz is here now. he doesn't know when zoya will call him home, if she ever will.
the dreary sky has finally settled into the darkness of night, nikolai's gaze moving from kaz toward the city. it looks different like this, somehow more alive, a certain beauty that ketterdam lacks in the daylight. he's never stopped to notice before, never even thought to look. always other things on his mind. even now, kaz's quiet voice plays on a loop, an easy thread to latch onto, only it's anything but. eventually, kaz will ask him why he's here, why he won't go back when he did everything right, atoned in the best way he could. maybe tonight. maybe a month from now. if there's one thing kaz is good at, it's biding his time. burning down lazlayon is hardly a reason to get him neatly punted out of his own country, and kaz only tolerates unknown variables for so long.
he looks back, puts on a sly smile as he deftly fits his gloves back on. with a sweep of his fingers he draws kaz in by his collar, pressing a firm kiss to his mouth, tonguing away the smear of blood left behind. he sneaks a kiss to his cheek before pulling back, the soft leather of his gloves gliding over kaz's knuckles where he gently holds his hand. ]
It doesn't have to be tonight. It can be when you want. I'm — [ his smile falters, but he squeezes kaz's hand, lifting it higher to press his lips to the back of his knuckles. ] I'm here now, mostly at your service but sometimes at my own. My ship sets sail to Os Alta two days from now, and my crew will be running her back and forth to smuggle your Grisha refugees back home.
[ he stands, straightening his trousers and shrugging his coat back on, patting the kaleidoscope to make sure it's still safely inside. if they stay here any longer he'll be in danger of spilling secrets he'd rather keep hidden. best to keep moving. ]
To Milena, then. And to my brandy. You can tell me why we're attending this function on the way as well, since I'm sure you've never gone anywhere solely for fun in your life. You're dressed for an opera or a ballet or some other equally terrible performance, and I'll have you know that passively consuming information is not a strong suit of mine. Speaking of fun, I've decided I will be having a yacht party to commemorate my presence here in Ketterdam. You are, of course, expected to attend to make sure that I don't accidentally blow my brains out when the sea shanties begin. Shall we go?
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no subject
hard to identify his ring among the garish collection, but kaz reckons he manages it, dragging a finger over the ridge of nikolai’s knuckle below the familiar cut of the gem, then allowing himself to be caught. i’m done holding your hand rings hollower from a distance. something nikolai thinks he himself doesn’t deserve, not that he wished to stop giving. a spate of affection, buoyed by the confidence that comes from his position in ketterdam.
for the first time, they’re in his domain. he holds nikolai down until his lashes glisten in the setting sun. between his thudding heart and panting breaths, nikolai must know — but he doesn’t — he always doubts — kaz throws his head back, groan torn from his throat by nikolai’s relentless tongue. didn’t imagine the reverb in nikolai’s chest, either, a wanton moan that makes his softening cock twitch. he lets his mouth grin sharklike as nikolai dives into chatter, looking wonderfully debased and unsatisfied.
i like having something worth giving you, he knew. i like when you take, he didn’t. should have, granted, when that’s all he does. if it wasn’t liked — well. they’d hardly be suited to each other. and they are well-matched, aren’t they? kaz levers his good leg to sit comfortably on the sill. considers tidying himself up and leaving it at that, the empty exchange that nikolai hoped it would be early on their partnership. nikolai’s touch distracts him on cue, his breath catching. ]
I prefer dogs to most company. [ said wryly, as one hand fists in nikolai’s hair to drag him up by the scruff and the other, still linked, yanks nikolai into his lap for a change, only untangling their fingers to grip his waist. a weight he feared the first time, the living body as heavy as the dead, and manages now. not as overwhelming as nikolai covering him and pushing inside him, after all. kaz winds nikolai close as he mouths up his throat and nips a mark in the spot nikolai likes so much on him. ] You wouldn’t like me decorous. [ though he might witness the saccharine politeness that bootlicking requires later. just good business. no trace of it now in a stolen kiss, the greedy press of his tongue working in tandem with the strong hands that peel his coat off his shoulders to skate down his back. ]
Will you be my date tonight, Nikolai? [ rasped like any other proposition. ] I’m only attending for business, I’ll despise everyone there but you — which I’m sure you’ll enjoy — and I’ll bring you the best brandy a merch can buy. [ kaz noses along his cheekbone, trailing kisses to the shell of his ear. one hand quickly opens his fly and wraps his fingers around his cock. ] And will you stay after? [ fear daggers into his back. is this how nikolai feels, after being made to ask for his tender wants? ] In my bed. Until I’ve found you somewhere better. [ it’s not forever, never is. nikolai wants him now, maybe needs him now, but he’ll leave once he’s had his fill — once he’s had enough. they always do. ] Fit for a privateer king.
[ kaz can gift him this until then, if he’ll have it. he tips back enough to glimpse nikolai’s face, watching his features for signs that he’s steered them down the wrong alley. even if he has, he can’t help himself — ] Everything you have is worth taking.
no subject
his eyes flutter open briefly at the request, another surprise. can't answer because they're kissing now, igniting a perilous need that nikolai desperately needs to throw dirt on. his breath stutters when kaz's fingers wrap firmly around his cock, his hips pushing into his touch as he sheds his remaining glove so he can sneak his fingers beneath kaz’s rucked up shirt, grazing lines of muscle. his teal coat falls down his shoulders when kaz pushes it away, revealing a frilly white shirt of a fabric far too fine for an average pirate, a collection of gold around his neck. kaz’s lips travel across his cheek, warm breath at his ear, the granite rasp of his voice sending a shudder through him. in my bed. finally. heat flushes his face, his cock twitching in his grip. ]
I suppose I have no other obligations tonight. [ spine arching, he brings a hand up to slide through kaz’s neat hair, watching stray locks fall loose beneath his careless touch. everything you have is worth taking. a breathless scoff, his eyes trailing to the window. doesn’t know if it’s true, doesn’t know if it’s good or terrible to hear it. his mind is stuck on kaz’s bed anyway, on the thought of being in it, touching kaz in it. a place he must have believed would only ever occupy one person. the dwindling light casts a fiery glow across kaz’s pale skin. a kiss in the ketterdam sunset. nikolai steals another, the desperate slide of their mouths, a soft groan rising in his throat. his hips urge closer, fingers gripping the sill behind kaz’s head as he pushes into kaz’s hand, wanting more, needing it in a way he’s kept buried but now is being steadily unearthed by the rapid unraveling of his life. ]
Yes. [ breathless agreement for all kaz offers. the magnitude that any of it is being offered at all isn’t lost on him. ] Yes, I’ll go. As your date. To your bed. Anywhere. I want — [ everything, all of it. so much that there’s no way anyone can fill the gaping emptiness inside of him left by the loss of his country. he thinks of the guest suite in the palace, how empty it had been, no trace that kaz had ever set foot inside. it stings even now, makes his grip tighten on his shirt, his teeth scraping along the side of kaz’s throat as he hisses in a quivering breath. ] I want you. [ his thighs tighten, throat bobbing as he swallows down a whimper. ] Have you ever… [ of course he hasn’t. another rush of breath, eyes pressing shut. ] I want you to fuck me, Brekker. In your bed. Tonight, or — any night, it doesn’t… doesn’t matter, I just — need you. I need you.
[ his mind grinds to a halt. how is he meant to share his bed, when his nightmares have only gotten worse, when he can’t sleep without binding himself — what is he asking for, what is he agreeing to? his hips jerk into kaz’s hand, pleasure cutting into him, drowning out the sudden noise in his head, the panic that wants to surface. a muffled gasp escapes his lips as he ruts helplessly against him, a whine in his throat, his blackened fingers clenching tighter at the window. he should move back, make an attempt at propriety, but nothing could make him want to leave the circle of kaz’s arms, a rush of heat rising to meet him. the wood splinters suddenly beneath his grip when he comes, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.
his hand slides away from the sill, his taut muscles growing slack as shivers dance over his skin. leans in for a breathless kiss, blood smearing across kaz’s mouth, then rests their foreheads together, panting softly. he flexes his hand down at kaz’s side, sharp fingertips slowly disappearing. ]
You need a tailor in your employ. [ as if it’s a simple matter to find a good tailor. none would compare to genya anyway. ] Sturmhond doesn’t mind a rugged appearance, but Nikolai prefers a more polished look. I’m parched, Brekker. I’m ready for a rambunctious party and my fine brandy.
no subject
You have me. [ instinctive assurance, the sort of nonsense he never offers anyone, but nikolai, just by being here, pries open the rusted hatch in his skull and excavates tenderness. ] Anything you want. [ of a pair with anywhere, though perhaps more true. ] Want that — you just as much. Tonight. Every night. [ stupid to say that when nikolai clearly wants a space of his own. can’t be helped. would offer anything to the nikolai that rattles apart in his arms now. heart racing, stomach fluttering, confessions fizzing behind his teeth. another thing he wanted and didn’t have to ask for because nikolai left a trail of stones to follow. nikolai in his city, in his bed, the stuff of fantasies flitting into his grasp. too fragile for someone like him to keep hold.
still, kaz must have held him above water better than the last time, with nikolai chasing more kisses and huddling close — instead of turning away, regrets on his tongue. kaz bumps their noses before tipping his head against the sill, a half-smile stuck in place before he can stop it. something macabre in the way his tongue darts out to swipe the blood smudged at his mouth. after wiping his hand on nikolai’s fine silk shirt, he plucks the pocket square from his suit jacket with a flourish. ]
You know some messes can be cleaned by hand. [ kaz cradles nikolai’s jaw and gently thumbs the fabric over his red mouth. ] But I happen to have a fine tailor already — Milena will meet us in wardrobe. [ at the hidden entrance to the opera house, since they’ll both be changing. there’s a wet stain on kaz’s thigh from nikolai coming in a rush. he closes his hand, lined with fabric, around nikolai’s cock and squeezes before carefully cleaning him up (to the best of his ability). ] And then you’ll have your party.
[ his gaze flickers over nikolai’s features. quieter then, ] Do you really want to — tonight?
no subject
briefly, he meets kaz's eyes at the question. is there uncertainty there? kaz is harder to read than the archaic poetry tolya pores over. ] I think the question is if you want to. I'm a bit past want at this point. Have you thought of it before? I have in depth, but you guard your thoughts in a way that I don't.
[ there's a part of him that wants to pull the window closed, to draw the curtains shut, to bury himself against kaz and let him feel just how much he needs him. kaz opened a wound when he spirited off into the night without saying a word, a wound that nikolai hasn't known how to close all this time when in the end it was his fault that he left, so he soldiered on like always, and now he can't anymore with the threshold of loss pushing against him like a crumbling cave. to be angry about what kaz did is easier than thinking of everything else that hurts so much more, of zoya and ravka and his people. at least kaz is here now. he doesn't know when zoya will call him home, if she ever will.
the dreary sky has finally settled into the darkness of night, nikolai's gaze moving from kaz toward the city. it looks different like this, somehow more alive, a certain beauty that ketterdam lacks in the daylight. he's never stopped to notice before, never even thought to look. always other things on his mind. even now, kaz's quiet voice plays on a loop, an easy thread to latch onto, only it's anything but. eventually, kaz will ask him why he's here, why he won't go back when he did everything right, atoned in the best way he could. maybe tonight. maybe a month from now. if there's one thing kaz is good at, it's biding his time. burning down lazlayon is hardly a reason to get him neatly punted out of his own country, and kaz only tolerates unknown variables for so long.
he looks back, puts on a sly smile as he deftly fits his gloves back on. with a sweep of his fingers he draws kaz in by his collar, pressing a firm kiss to his mouth, tonguing away the smear of blood left behind. he sneaks a kiss to his cheek before pulling back, the soft leather of his gloves gliding over kaz's knuckles where he gently holds his hand. ]
It doesn't have to be tonight. It can be when you want. I'm — [ his smile falters, but he squeezes kaz's hand, lifting it higher to press his lips to the back of his knuckles. ] I'm here now, mostly at your service but sometimes at my own. My ship sets sail to Os Alta two days from now, and my crew will be running her back and forth to smuggle your Grisha refugees back home.
[ he stands, straightening his trousers and shrugging his coat back on, patting the kaleidoscope to make sure it's still safely inside. if they stay here any longer he'll be in danger of spilling secrets he'd rather keep hidden. best to keep moving. ]
To Milena, then. And to my brandy. You can tell me why we're attending this function on the way as well, since I'm sure you've never gone anywhere solely for fun in your life. You're dressed for an opera or a ballet or some other equally terrible performance, and I'll have you know that passively consuming information is not a strong suit of mine. Speaking of fun, I've decided I will be having a yacht party to commemorate my presence here in Ketterdam. You are, of course, expected to attend to make sure that I don't accidentally blow my brains out when the sea shanties begin. Shall we go?