[ he expects kaz to go. maybe a part of him wants that hurt once more, an earned punishment for everything he and the monster have put kaz through. his failures are stacked to the heavens at this point, and his anger has nowhere to go. kaz hid this for a reason — he can already feel the tremors in his fingertips, the ashen memories of all that took place in ravka. a king, trusted and beloved no longer, turning on his people. he buried this deep upon coming here, filling his days with other preoccupations, masquerading as a man on his way to some sort of atonement. but there is no forgiveness for a thing like this, just like dominik’s death, just like his crimes during the war, just like what the monster might do to kaz if he allows it to feed on him as he suggests.
kaz appears in the doorway then — not gone, keeping his promise — and a gristly image superimposes atop his form. bloodsoaked, his skin whiter than a ghost, eyes empty. not the demon’s doing, just nikolai’s imagination running towards the worst possible end. he shuts his eyes, a visible tremor going through him as he recoils, his fingers tightening as he yanks the goose down pillows from the bed and adds them to the bloodied heap on the floor.
kaz speaks before he can tell him to leave, nikolai’s spine stiffening as if he wants to turn and go to him. the ache in his words is palpable, the hitch in his breath sending a painful pang through nikolai’s chest. the same pressure from the night before builds now, the urge to say something right, to tell him the truth of what grows inside of him. tell him you love him. he sags suddenly, his hands splayed on the bare mattress, stark black against soft white. ]
You must think I don’t want this. Us. [ he despises the weakness in his voice, the way it’s kaz who has been left time and time again to face the horrors of the monster alone while nikolai can’t get these simple words out. ] You. [ he’s silent again, his heart trying to escape his chest, fingers slowly curling into the mattress. what if he does feed and this compromise is not enough? what if the monster takes back what it thinks it’s owed — everything — and he finds he can no longer touch kaz until he gives in and takes a human life? then he will have squandered this time away for nothing, time he’s not sure will ever come again — just like those days in os alta, watching kaz like a phantom, a slow disappearing act right before his eyes.
he bridges the distance then, looking every bit a madman — still shirtless, his wounds only half tended to, unkempt hair falling into his wild eyes. he sounds breathless when he speaks, as if he’s crossed miles instead of a few steps, staring at kaz balanced in his doorway. there’s no hesitation when he reaches out this time, his hands cradling his face so he can look into his eyes, the rush of anguish that fills his chest entirely his own. ]
Do you think that I can do anything with you and not feel the rest? [ he doesn’t want the answer. he knows he placed those doubts in kaz’s head himself despite wanting so badly to guard his heart. ] That I could ever touch you, kiss you, look at you and not feel — [ his fingers slide down the sharp planes of his cheeks, caressing the lines of his jaw. one hand ghosts to his throat, his hand stilling over the dark bruise. he tilts kaz’s jaw up and leans in, his lips suddenly ghosting over his mottled skin. ] That I could somehow divorce touch and the depth of what I feel for you — Kaz, even if the monster never let me touch you again, if it was the only one that ever got close enough to feel you, I would never stop feeling this way for you. And I would never want to.
[ he can’t get close enough, pressing kaz’s spine to the doorframe, distantly hearing his cane thud carelessly to the floor. one arm winds around his waist, bracing kaz against him as his mouth finds his for a desperate kiss, having ached for this for so long that he can barely hold himself back. ]
You can’t tell me to lead. [ his fingers tremble as they card through kaz’s dark hair and come to rest at his cheek once more, words dropping to a whisper between kisses. ] Because if it were up to me I would say to hell with all of this. I don’t care what’s coming for me. I would board my ship with you and show you the entire world and never come back. And I would love you with all the days that I have left. [ he laughs suddenly, a soft, aching sound as he presses his face to kaz’s hair to give him a moment to breathe, a moment to pull away if he needs to. ] You can’t tell me you’d follow such madness.
[ nikolai droops as if all his strings have been cut, and kaz tightens his grip on the doorframe. can’t go to him, if he means what he says. can’t hold him, can’t kiss him, can only wait. his mind narrows to the point where his fingers meet the wood. nikolai’s voice barely carries across the room, but the very sound of it makes him step forward. there is no worthy answer to his observation. you don’t want me enough, a childish clarification when it amounts to the same thing: mismatched desires. the silence that follows scrapes his insides, cutting up his throat. that’s it, then. it’s done. it’s finally over.
until nikolai looks at him, eyes blazing without a speck of black to mar them. old instincts straighten kaz’s spine, jaw angled up for a fight. his fingers curl into fist, balanced against the doorframe. the hands on his face knock every thought off its track. a flicker of hurt escapes the crack in his wary mask. he forces himself to take a long breath, hand lifting from the door to nikolai’s forearm, unsure whether he intends to guide it away or hold it there. the distress crumpling nikolai’s features stalls any action. where would he go, when nikolai is here?
as nikolai mouths over his bruise, guilt and relief sear down his spine. hard to say what touch feels like for others, when it remains inherently overwhelming for kaz, imbued with meaning. there is no touch without risk (and its corollary, trust). no taction short of devastating (galvanising). nikolai’s words — the depth of what i feel you — prove just as rattling, the answer to the question he’s been asking since novyi zem. no, since nikolai kissed him in the captain’s quarters, as if he were a desirable thing. his words are a revelation with the force of a crashing wave, kaz, not brekker. nikolai has been closer than anyone (only the demon nips at his heels). a truth he seems to acknowledge without nudging him towards alternative hopes, for a change.
he drops his cane, but only realises it from the clatter against the floor. can’t help but think about how foolish that is — to drop his only weapon and support so that he can thread a hand into nikolai’s hair and throw an arm around his shoulders, to keep him there, kissing him breathless. there are no safe places, including here, in these arms. it’s easier to scold himself for that than face the words tumbling from nikolai’s perfect mouth. i would love you ringing, hallucination made real. that laugh in his ear — he tips his head back against the frame, angle harsh enough that he can see with his eyes half-closed. silent, invisible calculations in his head. ]
[ quiet, then. ] Are you hoping I’ll say no? [ another trap in which kaz brekker provides the escape, free of charge. no one but nikolai would recognise the unease tucked in the tick of his voice. kaz pushes through it. ] You won’t lead. You won’t be led. [ he drags a hand down nikolai’s collar, just shy of his fresh wounds, and then reverses course to cup his cheek. ] What am I supposed to do with you? [ besides this, tugging him in for a resurgent kiss and then another, fingers twisting into the short hair at the nape of his neck. ] You’ve been mad from the start. [ touching the bastard of the barrel after a dust-up, as if that’s the done thing. he closes his eyes and catches his breath, quieting the crackle of intimacy and lingering confessions. ]
I’d keep a hand on the wheel. You know that. [ can’t give over control completely, always angling and ever ready for the tide to change. it’s not quite an answer, but then nikolai didn’t ask a question. eyes opening, he tips his head forward. ] Does that sound like madness?
[ it's impossible to say what he's hoping for, so many hopeless wants tangled up like briars in his head. he wants to exist apart from the madness creeping at the edges of his mind, for there to only be the warmth of kaz's mouth, the rock salt rasp of his voice, the experimental touch of his pale fingers as they twine into his hair and brush down his cheeks. all anchors he can hold onto, things to keep him here when the dark tries to pull him under. but they're past that now. the demon has a voice. it's chosen some part of kaz as its own anchor, its claws deep in kaz's flesh with no intention of letting go. nikolai knows that cutting both tethers is the only answer now, the demon's and his own, leaving kaz alone once more after everything.
he can't. not now. but looking at him now, sleepless and shadowed, the stench of blood still clinging to this room, he knows that allowing the demon to prey on him can only be a fleeting solution. once only. he lifts a finger and traces the pad his thumb beneath kaz's eye, his fingertip barely brushing the bottom of his dark lashes. after this voyage, after they reach fjerda, he can't rule out a painful untethering. not when he can't guarantee that a more permanent answer will ever present itself after all.
but of this he says nothing, because there are other promises he needs to extract first. he tugs kaz from the doorframe, mindful of the time he’s spent standing, their lips meeting in slow harmony as he guides him into the room. stripping the bed all for a little blood now feels a touch foolish, the mattress bare and uninviting, so he brings kaz to the floor instead, lowered into a mountain of pillows and sheets he’d thrown down in his discomfited tantrum. he can hardly bring himself to take a breath for want of kissing him, his eyes fluttering open to slide a pillow beneath kaz’s knee before he’s concentrated on his mouth again, hand cradling his cheek as he braces kaz gently against the side of the bed, leaning in like he’ll never be able to get close enough. ]
I trust you. [ to keep a hand on the wheel. he’ll need to, when nikolai is buried deep inside himself and unable to be his safety in the way he’s always endeavored. the kiss breaks, but he doesn’t move away, his eyes shuttered. it’s easier this way when he knows what he’s going to ask won’t be met with enthusiasm. his fingers glide slowly down kaz’s cheek, coming to rest at the curve of his throat, his thumb brushing over his bruised skin. ] But you have to make me a promise. Promise that you’ll defend yourself in any means necessary. That you won’t hesitate just because this thing is in my body, wearing my face. Swear it to me. [ he finally pulls back, taking kaz’s bandaged hand and pressing it to his heart, the wounds at his chest stinging beneath kaz’s fingers. ] Swear to me that I won’t wake up to find your body robbed of life by the monster. I would rather die. Swear that you’ll kill me first.
[ his hazel eyes are clear, steady. the only regret he feels is that he knows these demands are too great a burden to place upon anyone, that these words will sit like a serrated blade in kaz’s lungs each time he takes a breath. kaz will not forgive him, if it ever comes to this brutal end, but there are many crimes nikolai knows he’ll never earn forgiveness for. he doesn’t look away, gaze fixed on kaz’s eyes, bright sapphire only made more piercing with pain. ]
I will not kill for the monster. [ he’s done it enough, so many times that he’ll never be able to put a number to the lives he’s taken or absolve himself of this sin. he won’t add to it. ] And I will not feed from you unless you agree to my terms. This is not a barter.
[ part of this feels like a trap, that nikolai — that the gods or saints or fate would never let him have this and keep it. nikolai won’t stay, certainly. because everyone always leaves. still, it’s difficult to hold that fear at the forefront of his mind with nikolai guiding him elsewhere, all blistering tenderness. nikolai leads him to sit comfortably, takes aching care of his bad leg, and never leaves him bereft of his mouth for long. i trust you is the jewel of this crown. something he wanted to hear. something that shouldn’t be said to kaz brekker. having faith in a bastard and thief can only end one way.
another time, he might unpick how nikolai sometimes speaks of the demon as part of him, while others, he refers to it as wholly separate. can barely focus on thoughts splintering from the present, with how nikolai drags him to a potential future. this is what he trusts you to do. his own pulse thuds in his ears, accelerated and magnified by nikolai’s heart beating beneath his palm. his other hand cradles nikolai’s skull, tugging it forward. ]
[ in a whisper made harsh by the gravel in his throat, ] I know. [ nikolai would rather die than kill again. if it came down to him or nikolai, any unselfish gambit would doom them both. he tilts his head until their foreheads press together, blue eyes more alert than they’ve been all morning. ] I swear, Nikolai. If it comes to that, I’ll kill you first. [ that scenario plays out against his will: nikolai’s teeth at his throat, the knife in his hand, his body suddenly limp against him. he wants to beg for an alternative, any promise that won’t send him hurtling back to the start — no, further along the winding path he took to power. ] The deal is the deal. [ ground out, despite every protest in his heart. a kiss seals it, hard and desperate. his memory of last night's ploy refracts in the afternoon sun. it won’t end that way, he reminds himself. if the demon wanted to kill him, it would have seized the opportunity to do so before now. it might yet kill someone else, dissatisfied with kaz’s offering. he'll have to force it to understand. bloodshed all but guarantees its end. and kaz brekker, untrustworthy and fractious as he is, can repay what’s been lost. his lips brush nikolai’s cheek, suddenly chaste. ]
Go get the kit. Can't have a scratch ending you before all that. [ less vitally, it allows him time to re-arrange all the trembling thoughts in his mind. if it comes down to him or nikolai, he can make the call (the kill). it’d be no different from his life up to this point. better to view everything he’s had in the last year as the exception and not the rule. he tidies his hair, though he suspects (hopes) nikolai will dishevel it again. ] You didn’t answer me earlier. [ at breakfast. once he has the kit in hand, he’s quick to dab at nikolai’s wounds without warning, the burn of disinfectant chasing his nimble fingers. ] Is this all you want today? [ from there, he unwinds the bandages and jerks his head to call nikolai closer. his good leg bends to leverage himself straighter, so he can wrap the crimson cuts on nikolai’s chest. ] And tonight?
[ a murkier concept. his gaze meets nikolai’s before returning to his work, movements precise. ]
[ he expects an argument, though he doesn't intend to yield no matter what it costs him. in the end kaz bears it all anyway, drawing him into a searing kiss laced with pain and promise. he trusts kaz to keep it, to keep him in the way that nikolai needs him to even if kaz may not agree. he leaves him for only a moment, returning with not only the kit but having fetched kaz's discarded clothes from the night before, jacket, vest, and trousers settled in an untidy heap on a stray pillow. no doubt there are weapons and other valuable objects hidden inside pockets and linings. nikolai feels a pang of guilt; he should've made certain kaz had them earlier. should've told him where his own weapons are kept, should've shown him the brace of pistols in the trunk at the foot of the bed, the knives he used to throw with tamar now in a gleaming case at his desk.
is this all he wants? it feels like an impossible question to answer, the sort of thing he hasn’t bothered being truthful about in years. he’s always wanted more, always craved more attention, more affection, and it’s no different now, his fingers restless as they travel along the fabric of kaz’s shirt, holding as still as he’s able while his wounds are tended. there’s a careful sort of hunger in kaz’s gaze, something that twists knots in nikolai’s stomach, and he can’t help but feel as though kaz is leading him even now, but in this way he doesn’t mind quite so much. ]
I should be asking you that, since you’ve yet to master voicing your desires at will. [ kaz’s hands are efficient but gentle, his fingertips cool when they brush bare skin. when the work of the bandages is done, nikolai strays nearer still, greedy for the sight of him like this, boyishly undone. he flicks open the buttons of kaz’s shirt, knowing that he should be doing precisely the opposite, that there are affairs that need seeing to before their voyage, but the rising need between them feels heightened in its urgency, and for more than just a touch or a kiss.
when he brings their mouths together this time he slips his tongue past kaz’s lips, slowly seeking entrance, his fingers threading gently through his dark hair. he allows himself this moment, unhurried, the full weight of his want poured into one kiss. kaz’s mouth tastes like honey — and sudden copper when his tongue brushes a tender cut at the inside of his cheek, a brief tang of blood. he remembers waking to the hot, salty kiss sealed in blood and draws in a sharp breath, tensing. but he also feels the afternoon sunlight warming the back of his neck, hears kaz’s soft promise still ringing in his ears. i’m not going anywhere. ]
When you feel me— [ his voice is just a whisper, his eyes closed as his hands travel down kaz’s body, fingers drawing slowly down the hard planes of his chest, tracing over the cage of his ribs and dipping down to loosen his trousers. his lips relocate to his cheek, his jaw, nudging his head up so he can kiss along the line of his throat, charting a path that cuts directly over the bruise. ] My hands, my mouth — [ his palm presses to his cock, flooded with the sudden realization that he has not touched kaz in so long that he aches for it now, his mouth seeking his lips once more. ] Is it me you feel? Or is it —
[ the words are swallowed in a desperate kiss, loathing that this doubt plagues his mind, that the monster has taken even this from him. ]
[ it’s a bittersweet gesture, for nikolai to return his things to him, guilt set in the hunch of his shoulders. a comfort to have resources within reach, after their bloody night together. as if he hasn’t done permanent damage to his defenses already.
nikolai does his damndest to keep still while kaz cares for him, and his heart kicks up in his chest at the thought of the effort required. i should be asking you is such a predictable response that he huffs a laugh. ghezen forbid nikolai lantsov ever answers one of his questions. kaz forces a frown as he knots the bandage atop nikolai’s shoulder. he was hoping nikolai might offer a plan for the demon’s dinner tonight before distracting him, but admitting that’s what he was asking about would only lend credence to nikolai’s fixation on his unattended, fledgling wants. what sort of person thinks of logistics and death, while he has this in hand? (they do, of course.)
when nikolai ducks into his space, kaz gives in, leaning against the mattress and straightening his leg. here’s a hand in his hair that he didn’t have to ask for — not just touching but holding. they should be making preparations for the voyage, but every instinct is inverted with nikolai. rather than stiffening, his tongue running across his mouth activates an unlocking. kaz sighs into nikolai’s mouth, brandied where it was bloody only this morning. much more familiar. can feel nikolai notice the raw ridge in his cheek. wonders, then, what he makes of it and receives an answer as it pulls him taught as a high-wire. should guide him across, without any abrupt shifts, but there are pathetic rattles in his cavernous mind. with what i am, what i’ve done, what wants me, do you still — his hands trace the bandages, then wander lower, thumb dragging down the divot in nikolai’s lower back until it reaches his trousers. kaz hooks his fingers into the waistband, sliding around to unlace his front. he slows as nikolai stumbles: whisper off-kilter, lips pressed to the bruise he shouldn’t have allowed. that the demon keeps re-marking every chance it gets. like nikolai. not like nikolai. a dark, wanting thing. like you. a chill runs through him, icy as the black waters.
he’s distracted enough that the hand on his cock wins a soft sound, unstoppered. both hands settle at nikolai’s hips, urging him nearer, into his lap like the last time they were close. immediately, it’s clear what he can’t quite ask. all his nerves teeter on edge. you put that doubt in his heart. they’re kissing before kaz can answer, and then they’re kissing again because he can’t get enough after going without. might not have this in the morning, if the demon finds their offering lacking. and if it accepts? he shivers, grip tightening. ]
It’s you. [ an assurance gifted with urgency in the seconds between open-mouthed kisses, eyes screwed shut. every stray thought returns to nikolai, even the ones that begin with his shadow circle back to him. ] Whenever anyone tries to come close, even when it isn’t you — [ that’s harder to explain, tainted with madness. when the demon drags cold down his skin and sinks its teeth into his flesh, the knowledge that it’s still nikolai, if only in part, keeps him from sinking into the harbour. he nuzzles into nikolai’s cheek, affection overflowing ] It’s always you. [ most likely, nikolai does and doesn’t want such an answer. before it gets caught and twisted in his paradoxical mind, kaz pulls his hips downward and arches up to meet them. ]
Want you to leave a mark. [ a hushed request hung on a hitching breath. maybe then they’ll both think of that and not its mirror image. but what if nikolai says no? perhaps he can’t after it did that, too. this is the trouble with voicing his desires. better to revisit one that nikolai let slip. ] I want to give you what you begged for last time we were together, too. [ weeks ago now, probably with half-a-hope that kaz would forget he said anything so needful. he slips his hand into nikolai’s loosened trousers, cupping his ass. ] Do you still — [ want him, want that, or has the third entity in this entanglement changed where they stand? ]
[ he's prepared for any answer, even the ugliest of ones. has to be. reality has pushed aside every well-meaning fantasy he's tried to cultivate here, all his foolish efforts to give kaz a taste of things that aren't soaked in blood or death. ordinary things meant for people who aren't them. a small part of him though that perhaps with coming here he could be someone other than nikolai lantsov, that he could fabricate yet another new strand of an identity that has never belonged to him but that he's done well in collecting nonetheless. that he could still be useful if this person could give kaz all the things he's never been lucky enough to have. but he has the shadow to contend with, and it's the shadow that tells him who he needs to be now, and what he needs to let go of.
and still kaz gifts him with this. it's you. doesn't matter which you — perhaps kaz doesn’t see his fragments and masks the way nikolai does, donning them to feel like a wholly different man — only that kaz sees him and not it. his breath chokes suddenly — it’s always you — but he kisses him harder, only bereft of his mouth when kaz asks for something more, and nikolai doesn’t hesitate for even a moment, the thought of saying no never crossing his mind. an immediate reward for voicing a desire, his mouth finds a soft, hidden spot inches beneath kaz’s earlobe, teeth scraping against flesh before he sucks sharply, leaving a mark on the opposite side of his throat that his collar will neatly cover. he kisses the reddened skin, soothing it over with his tongue, and is diligently on his way to kissing along the whole of his jawline when kaz speaks again, effectively stalling his mouth.
yes, a part of him wishes he’d forgotten. a flush floods his cheeks, shame and desire warming him in equal parts, but for better or for worse, kaz never forgets anything. he wanted this — still wants this, to give every part of himself, to have this with kaz. when he asked before he’d been smarting with hurt and anger, reeking of desperation upon seeing kaz after such a prolonged absence (after walking into an empty room). arching into kaz’s touch, ever mindful of his injury, he kisses him while trying to tame the flight of nerves rushing through him. ]
Do I still what? Want this? [ it won’t do to let that doubt fester. the darkness has spread far past his own self to now infect kaz as well, but whatever his feelings about the shifting ground beneath them, there are some things even the monster can’t change. ] I want everything with you. For as long as I can have it. [ pulling his hand from kaz’s trousers, he grinds their hips together, his cavernous need eclipsing, for now, the unease of vulnerability. by some stroke of luck or the favor of the saints, kaz still wants him — doesn’t look at him as the fearsome, detestable thing that lives inside him, that’s become so much a part of him that nikolai doesn’t know where he ends and the monster begins. can’t say how long that will last. ] For as long as you’ll have me.
[ then they’re kissing again, heated and urgent, breaking apart sporadically so he can undress them both, sliding kaz’s shirt from his shoulders, lifting his hips to strip him bare of his trousers. nikolai shucks his own pants after him and rattles the drawer open, moving objects about haphazardly until he finally closes his fingers around the tin he’s looking for. the top clatters to the floor as he returns to his careful position in kaz’s lap, his hand slick as he grips kaz’s cock and drags his fingers from base to tip. his fingers tremble, his breath an unsteady cascade against kaz’s wet lips. the logistics of what he asked for suddenly press upon him, that he will have to stop and be still, theoretically, at least for a bit, and that does little to ease the tension holding tight to him. until now, he’s taken the natural lead in all their encounters, happy to offer kaz guidance and a space to stretch new muscles. it isn’t as if he doesn’t enjoy the other side (he does, immensely), but he’s shed many habits since the demon took hold, willingly yielding any inch of control being chief among them. ]
[ nikolai rewards him for saying the right thing or asking for anything at all, relief and heat intertwining. it’s perfect, how he fits into kaz’s shoulder and noses under his ear. a gentle, intent act shy of last night’s bruising. something just for them, even if the demon can see it through the filter of nikolai’s warm gaze. kaz keeps nikolai’s bowed head in the clutch of his hand, chasing his touch until he stills. not wanted, then. no, wanted too much. neither of them like the vulnerability inherent in such an admission (or in asking the question). his eyes round, pupils dark. if it were anyone else, he’d deny that he doubts, let alone cares, but nikolai already knows the depths of his uncertainty. you must think i don’t want this, us, you. yes, of course. at least then there’s a reason they keep breaking apart. and there’s more logic in it than the alternative: a desire for everything, indefinitely with kaz brekker. drowned man. self-made monster. no one to blame for infecting him with darkness but himself.
as long as you’ll have me, he says, as if kaz’s wanting has an end — as if he didn’t kiss nikolai’s shadow, mouth full of blood. a thief never gives anything back. if nikolai would stay — or let kaz follow him — he busies his mouth before he risks excavating his heart all over again. his hands only fall away when nikolai lifts out of reach, and they’re snug at his hips as soon as he returns. can’t keep himself from staring or stop awe from tugging his mouth higher. so much happens in a rush and then stops, but kaz catches up.
when nerves get the better of nikolai, he tries to speed past them, careening around corners to the next thing — putting someone else’s pleasure above his own, as he does now. tension coiled at the base of his spine, hips hovering above kaz’s lap. hasn’t ever been like this before — but this is different, isn’t it? from everything else. he knows that now. he slides his hand up and down nikolai’s back, soothing without seeking anything more. ]
Not so fast. [ in the matters of hurrying this along and going away inside his mind. saints, he can feel the furrow in nikolai’s brow, their noses brushing. gently, he guides nikolai’s hand away from his aching cock to the mattress behind him. lightly, then. ] How heavy do you think you are? [ laughing, just a little, at nikolai’s suspended position, poised on taut muscles. both hands re-settle on his hips and squeeze, pulling him flush. it doesn’t hurt kaz, injury set at a resting level of pain. his bandaged palm frames the length of nikolai's neck, thumb arcing over the hinge of his jaw. a softer kiss helps slow the world down, narrowing his focus to exploring nikolai’s perfect mouth. ]
I’ve wanted this, too, but not like that. [ is this how nikolai has been with others? the people in-between dominik and kaz. possibly. (they can’t have known how precious he is, or they’d never have let him go.) it's not how nikolai has been with him, in the moments that mattered, so kaz adjusts their course.
leaning back and to the side, he stretches in search of the tin that nikolai sent rolling among his mountainous bedsheets and pillows. so careless with his things (with himself). once he finds it, he sets it within reach, brow arched like he half expects nikolai to dart forward again. his hand fits back at nikolai’s hip soon enough, tracing the seam where it meets his thigh. kaz thinks about nikolai’s legs tightening around him, when he first asked for this — how badly he wanted to give it to him, despite the chill in the air from their parting. his fingers follow the muscle of his thigh to the bend of his knee, dipping into that soft hollow before skimming down his leg to cinch at his ankle. there are still so many places he hasn’t touched. even when he finally maps them all, he knows it won’t be enough. ] Like this.
[ he slicks his fingers and curls them around the base of nikolai’s cock, grip sliding tight to the tip and back down. a few easy jerks are meant to break the surface tension, but it’s hard to stop touching him once he’s started. luckily, he supposes he doesn’t have to, his other hand gliding back up nikolai’s leg and dipping between his cheeks. ] Tell me if this isn’t alright. [ it’s another moment of unhurried warming, not pressing in, even if nikolai tries to urge him onwards. never done this before, obviously, but nikolai did it for him. the memory makes his heart stutter. ] If it’s too fast, [ teasing, maybe, but they’ve only just found themselves on the same page. ] I can wait. [ he presses inward, just so. kaz can always wait, even for things that may never come to pass, and certainly for this, nikolai’s weight comforting and not oppressive. alive, not dead. suffused with heat from the inside — he can feel it. a slight push acts as a careful test of resistance. quick kisses cover his cheek, the corner of his mouth, his jaw. too much affection, stymied for years and then only weeks. ] I’ll give you anything you want. [ he jacks nikolai’s cock at the exact moment he sinks inside. ] Everything.
[ kaz is a fixed, solid point in the flurried tangle of his mind, calm where nikolai feels foolishly skittish, carefully guiding him against his every instinct to squander this moment. he's faced armies, looked kings and queens and death itself in the eye, and yet this perilous wanting is the thing that makes him want to flay his skin off. kaz turns an aching tenderness upon him, caught beneath the full weight of his careful attention — and kaz is attentive in all things, his eyes watchful even when he thinks nikolai doesn’t see, but he’s also frequently subdued, non-reactionary to nikolai’s steady stream of mindless words and antics. this is awareness of a different kind, the sort of care he needs in this moment as if he is the fledgling attempting to spread wings for the first time instead of the other way around.
although when he looks at kaz now it’s hard to believe that of him, with his gentle reassurances, firm but never pressing too hard. testing the waters, perhaps, of how much guidance nikolai will take. historically, it’s been little. to lay the mantle down after so long — so long that it feels all but welded to his shoulders — feels impossible. but kaz pulls him close, reorients him with a slow kiss and his languorous hands exploring his body, and nikolai finds himself responding in kind, his hand once again in kaz’s soft hair, his heart rabbiting in a quick but steady pace. it’s new for him — not the coarse action in itself, but the whole of this. he’s fallen into many beds, had experiences of many kinds, but none that have stripped him bare quite like kaz is able to, none that have meant so much or come so close to his heart. ]
It’s — good. [ stuttered into his mouth when kaz’s deft fingers wrap around his cock, simultaneous pressure spreading him open. he rocks forward, then backwards, wanting both with a gaping hunger, his skin flush with desire. ] It’s not too fast. [ i can wait sounds more like punishment for his bad behavior, but kaz doesn’t hold out for long, chasing his sweet promises with reward, and nikolai’s spine tightens, bracing one hand tighter against the bed as he finally broaches him. immediately, he wants more. ]
Another. [ he kisses him, nudging his hips up slightly so kaz can add a second finger, this time accompanied with a slow burn of pain that he relishes. his teeth catch at kaz’s bottom lip as he bears down, a helpless sound escaping the clench of his teeth. everything strikes discord in him, his eyes fluttering open, a crease in his brow. he’s shaken by how much he wants this, and how every breath feels lancing, tension singing in his bones. his words don’t sound like himself when he speaks, instead taking on the quality of someone less assured, someone who has allowed a deep seated fear to creep into the light. ] I don’t want everything from you. [ he falters; it sounds wrong, hurtful, the opposite of what he means. his fingers curl at kaz’s shoulder, a shudder taking him as he shifts. ] The monster wants to take everything from you. I only want you to stay.
[ a wholly selfish request when in his mind’s eye he’s all but decided that this must end when kaz has been excised of the merzost in his leg. he understands now why it hurts to breathe, and that it will hurt every time he looks at kaz until the moment he’s forced to cut him away like a dog from a leash, only kaz will never understand that he’s the dog and kaz is the one holding the leash. he rises suddenly, feeling the cold absence of kaz’s fingers, reaching down to wrap his hand firmly around kaz’s waiting cock. ]
I need you. [ never been one for begging, and yet it feels natural now, something fissuring in him at the weight of his own deception. he has time, dwindling though it may be. time to concoct a plan, to invent a new solution, only those weeks have been slashed to ribbons with the demon’s demands. every seven days he must forge an answer. there is no time, not with kaz’s wellbeing sitting flush in the middle. panic mingled with desire quickens his breath, a heady mixture. no time at all.
gripping the nape of kaz’s neck, he pulls him down as he sprawls onto his back among the pillows, drawing him between his legs. his green eyes are as dark as a forest at night, his hips rising in a desperate plea. ] Please. Don’t be gentle.
[ there’s always a chance that nikolai will chafe against leading hands, but today — today, he gives in, relaxing into kaz and matching his pace. no, meeting it with the greedy rock of his hips. it’s good is a relief, compounded by the soft sounds in nikolai’s throat. another confirms this was the right move, yet nikolai still manages to tangle himself in monstrous possibilities and counters. ]
[ a disapproving noise. ] I know you want more than that. [ he pushes in hard, crooking his fingers. his tone leaves no room for doubt. nikolai is like him, a boy whose wanting has no end — or he’d have let kaz finish this closeness moments ago. why reject that offer of a clean break? if it were anyone else, he’d think they wanted to heighten his pain — to take control and twist the knife in his gut, but nikolai has been chasing emotion over logic ever since he lost the crown. as it happens, kaz also disagrees in the matter of the monster, but decides against voicing that. if the monster wanted to take everything, it’s had chance after chance to do so — last night most of all — and every time, it lets him go. there’s too much of nikolai in it to hurt him like that. and there’s too much of it in nikolai for him to mean what he says. ] You want this, too, and I want to give it to you. You can’t take something that’s freely given. [ but then nikolai seems to be struggling to take any of this — kaz has half a mind to slow to a stop until nikolai takes him in hand and confesses his need. ]
You have me, Nikolai. [ riding on an unsteady breath. the second request destabilises him. don’t be gentle. because you don’t want it, or because you can’t take it? tenderness hurts more, he knows it does. it’s why he behaved so harshly the second time they came together. in this, however, kaz is prone to softness, with his jagged edges sanded down by the hours they’ve spent entangled — or maybe just by bumping up against the border between longing and having one too many times. this close, kaz can feel everything: the rise and fall of nikolai’s chest under his wandering hands, the reverberation of his answer, and the pulse ratcheting under his skin, flushed with blood. as with all things nikolai asks of him, it takes little time for kaz to oblige, leaning more on his left leg than the right. he slides a pillow under nikolai’s hips to heighten the angle, palm pushing his chest down. it’s the best chance he’s had to look at nikolai — all of nikolai — in some time, and he gets a little lost in it.
regaining a measure of focus, he first anchors his hand under nikolai’s thigh, sliding slowly up behind his knee. even if nikolai doesn't think he needs time — it can't hurt. kaz guides his legs around his waist, attention split between where he pushes inside (slow and careful and gentle, despite his instructions) and nikolai’s expression, cracking under the pressure of intimacy. ]
You feel so good. [ overwhelmed despite his efforts to maintain his composure, to make this good for nikolai by being a fixed point. the fissures already show, eyes wild and hair sticking up from when nikolai ran his fingers through it. never had someone quite like this before, never been comfortable or welcomed enough to bend over them, as intimate as it gets. kaz shifts a hand back up his thigh, so he can snap his hips the rest of the way, bottoming out, all shuddering breaths. the heat of another body is horrible. no, wonderful. it’s just nikolai — nikolai with his razored teeth at his throat and claws sinking into his hand, shoulder, leg. a wounded sound. has to dig his nails into nikolai’s thigh to ground himself, steadying himself so he's got enough leverage to move with one hand, while the other laces their fingers together at nikolai’s hip, more for his own sake. ]
I’ve got you. [ another shift to adjust the angle where they come together, pulling nikolai closer, dragging long and slow. there’s too much on kaz’s mind to do anything but keep moving — working himself up into deeper and better-timed thrusts. ]
[ he loves that kaz is clever, loves to watch his mind tick and whir through problems and solutions and endless plans, but being pinned under those eyes, that mind, with no hiding place to speak of that's strong enough to bear the full weight of kaz's scrutiny, is sudden agony. his lies are so easily exposed here, tongued open and discarded. he does want more. he's always wanted more, and kaz has risen to meet him again and again. when a simple brush of skin was everything, kaz gave it — then a kiss became everything, then a deeper touch, then spilled words, an ongoing spiral of things nikolai wanted and kaz found in him to master. and now this. a tipping point of things undeserved, and yet he wants it all the same, and he wants kaz to have this, too.
kaz, of course, treats him gently. it’s harder to bear than he could have imagined, after everything — to try to relax, to attempt to lower the barrier between heedless pleasure and the inescapable clamor of his thoughts. he’s eager to have kaz inside of him, but it comes with the heavy weight of gentle caresses, kaz’s fingers exploring places he’s never touched before. it isn’t the touch itself that unnerves him — it’s the quiet reverence with which kaz does so, as if his edges are still gilded, as if he still deserves to be handled with such care. he thinks of zoya sending him away, of his parents standing before him in os kervo’s city hall to renounce him as a pretender. he thinks of kaz’s fresh blood in his mouth, and how he has no choice but to hurt him again this very day.
he feels the shift when their fingers twine, kaz holding on as if he’ll be swept away by the tide, his hips still pushing doggedly into him as if nikolai’s pleasure is more important than anything else. a low moan tumbles past his lips, his lashes fluttering as he tries to keep kaz in his sights, wanting to make sure he’s all right. doesn’t like this feeling of his control slipping away, but there’s little he can do against it when no part of his body wants this to stop. ]
You do. You have me. [ a bitter truth, confessed in a tight breath. any other time it would make him glad in ways he’s wished for for so long — to belong, to be wanted — only this time he’s caught in an awful snare constructed by kaz and the monster. nowhere to go but forward, time shrinking down between now and the moment his razored teeth sink back into soft flesh. their hips join again, a raw brush of heat knocking his thoughts askew, his head tipping into a patch of sunlight as his back arches. he’s blinded momentarily when his gaze flutters open, his eyes bright gold in the sun, and then he moves, gripping the back of kaz’s neck to draw him down for a hard kiss. ]
It’s good. Keep going. [ he meets kaz’s thrusts, helping him to a rhythm while he feels his resolve melt away. it’s like trying to hold on to a ledge with slippery fingers, trying to hold back a dam with battered walls. his hand presses to kaz’s spine, urging him in deeper while his breath stutters, his hair darkening with sweat. ] I need it — to feel good for you, too. Does it? Tell me —
[ he tries to meet his gaze, but it feels too piercing, a small lance of panic cutting through his chest before he rises, spending a moment on a breathless kiss and then turning to brace against the side of the bed. he pulls kaz’s chest to his back, deft fingers finding kaz’s slick cock and sliding it back inside of him with a soft groan. craning over his shoulder, he steals another messy kiss, blond hair askew, his eyes near glassy with desperation. he pushes back, heat sparking between them. ] Please. Please.
[ you have me. a relief. a terror. kaz has him in hand, if not in mind. at least at this moment, with daylight and nikolai both sure to slip through his fingers by nightfall, a shadow rising in their place. those thoughts flicker and fizzle out, replaced the frightful heat of touch after touch.
it’s easier than it should be, to let control ebb and flow between them. (should never ease his grip, should never let nikolai guide his steps.) kaz slows and gentles until nikolai can’t take it any longer — expected, understood — green-gold eyes gilded with sunlight and threatening to cut to the heart of him. kaz chokes on his wanting until nikolai tongues the air back into his lungs. it’s good. surely wanted — perhaps needed, or that’s kaz’s own higher thoughts collapsing in on themselves. nothing but fevered skin, sweat-slick between them. he’d have lost himself already if not for nikolai’s urging. as ever, kaz follows his voice out of the endless dark. ]
Yeah — yes. [ would have agreed with anything nikolai asked just now, because it’s good in the way it always is. better. the part of drowning where the body gives into its fate.
then they’re aligned at a new angle, kaz’s hands finding the curves of nikolai’s hips, at first gauging the rhythm of his movements, then aiding them with a hard push down. ]
It’s good. [ his mouth finds nikolai’s throat, teeth scraping at the soft juncture of his neck. if their roles were reversed, his jugular would be open. or maybe it wouldn’t. maybe it’d just be marked again: the threat of blood bruising the skin. kaz smears kisses up nikolai’s throat to banish his thoughts, copper in his mouth. ] You’re — good. [ voice breaking, rock salt rasp made brittle. ]
Perfect, Nikolai. [ you have to say his name. debauched and unravelling in his arms for the better. between them, kaz’s fingers follow the tense cord of muscle down nikolai’s back, the arc of his trembling spine that he must have memorised. can’t hold onto this moment any longer. heat curls in the pit of his chest. finally, he reaches around to the flat of nikolai’s stomach, trembling with nerves or need, and takes his cock in hand. ] You first. [ more breathless than teasing, though a lucid thought underwrites it. nikolai always puts others — including damnable kaz brekker — first, chasing their pleasure (and safety) before his own. not today. not this very second or in the miserable hours that will follow. kaz pushes slick and deep, hand quick and sure as nikolai tightens around him. no wonder nikolai wanted this before fjerda (might have thought of it within moments of having the flinty, narrow-eyed kaz brekker staring at him with blown open eyes). a sweet dizziness overtakes him just as nikolai spills in his hand. kaz loses his mouth after that, face buried in nikolai’s shoulder and hips pushing until his wanting crests with a faltering cry. his breath keeps coming hot and heavy after, slowing but not stopping. no matter the angle, kaz always ends up split open, with crevices and cracks for nikolai to store his light. ]
Perfect, Nikolai. [ if he keeps saying it, nikolai might half-believe him. one arm still braces around nikolai’s chest; his other hand falling to nikolai’s thigh. kaz tells himself he can hold on because nikolai will pull away before anything else can slip through his teeth. ]
[ he gives in. there was never any chance of fighting this, never any path that he wouldn't have found a way to twist to his own gain in order to lead him right back here. of all the firsts he's guided kaz carefully, painstakingly through, now kaz gives him this — not the physical act, but something sharper, deeper, something that cuts through every mask and falsehood to get to the very heart of him. a heart that no one else has faced with such unflinching clarity, scarred and twisted with darkness despite every desperate bid he makes to stay in the light.
perfect. a lie or the truth, it doesn’t matter now. nothing matters now except that he has kaz for this moment, has him in a way that’s more than good — good enough to forget the looming darkness snapping at his heels, the horrible, twisted bargain struck between man and monster. kaz will not let him run from it later, but now there’s only the slick pull of kaz’s nimble fingers, the arch of his spine with every thrust. the familiar rasp of his voice guides him toward the cusp of his pleasure — nikolai would be lost without it, without him, not just here in this moment, but for the months now that kaz brekker has occupied a space in the brambles of his thoughts, the one constant in a life marked by darkness and loss.
he comes with a hard shudder, kaz’s fingers working some miraculously cruel magic to wring a pathetically helpless sound from his throat, and he feels every tremor when kaz follows, both of nikolai’s hands gripping the bed, white-knuckled. nikolai moves even as time seems to halt around them, turning in kaz’s tender embrace to cradle his jaw, lifting his face to his for a breathless kiss, long and slow. kissing kaz brekker is its own sort of lovemaking, the give and take of it, the yielding of his body, the way kaz gives the whole of his attention to the act, the way every thought flies out of nikolai’s head with the soft slide of their mouths. his fingers caress kaz’s sweat-slicked skin, his heartbeat rabbiting against his own. nikolai relishes the mess their bodies have made together, and he wonders, fleetingly, if a part of kaz is tempering his revulsion right now. ]
Remember this. [ he runs a hand through kaz’s dark hair, then finds his hand, twining their fingers together. his lips never leave kaz’s, greedy, hungrily chasing his mouth. ] When I’m not myself. You have to remember who I really am. [ a prince, a privateer, a monster trying to be an ordinary man. he presses their linked hands to kaz’s fast-beating heart, alive. ] No matter what happens. Remember this.
[ he kisses kaz for as long as time allows it, until their breaths settle, until they’re tangled once again on the floor and the shadows lengthen through his bedroom window. until reality starts to creep back into the spin of his whirring mind, the ship’s preparations and kaz’s leg and the task of allowing the monster to feed. it will be the last thing they do tonight — it will put kaz out of commission and likely nikolai as well, at worst, and he’s not chancing that anything will go at best. when he rolls onto his back, he’s clear-eyed as he blinks at the ceiling, his thumb rubbing idly at kaz’s hip. ]
Get your affairs in order. Meet me back here when you’re done. [ he shifts to glance at him, smile in place. ] There’s no privacy in Fifth Harbor.
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kaz appears in the doorway then — not gone, keeping his promise — and a gristly image superimposes atop his form. bloodsoaked, his skin whiter than a ghost, eyes empty. not the demon’s doing, just nikolai’s imagination running towards the worst possible end. he shuts his eyes, a visible tremor going through him as he recoils, his fingers tightening as he yanks the goose down pillows from the bed and adds them to the bloodied heap on the floor.
kaz speaks before he can tell him to leave, nikolai’s spine stiffening as if he wants to turn and go to him. the ache in his words is palpable, the hitch in his breath sending a painful pang through nikolai’s chest. the same pressure from the night before builds now, the urge to say something right, to tell him the truth of what grows inside of him. tell him you love him. he sags suddenly, his hands splayed on the bare mattress, stark black against soft white. ]
You must think I don’t want this. Us. [ he despises the weakness in his voice, the way it’s kaz who has been left time and time again to face the horrors of the monster alone while nikolai can’t get these simple words out. ] You. [ he’s silent again, his heart trying to escape his chest, fingers slowly curling into the mattress. what if he does feed and this compromise is not enough? what if the monster takes back what it thinks it’s owed — everything — and he finds he can no longer touch kaz until he gives in and takes a human life? then he will have squandered this time away for nothing, time he’s not sure will ever come again — just like those days in os alta, watching kaz like a phantom, a slow disappearing act right before his eyes.
he bridges the distance then, looking every bit a madman — still shirtless, his wounds only half tended to, unkempt hair falling into his wild eyes. he sounds breathless when he speaks, as if he’s crossed miles instead of a few steps, staring at kaz balanced in his doorway. there’s no hesitation when he reaches out this time, his hands cradling his face so he can look into his eyes, the rush of anguish that fills his chest entirely his own. ]
Do you think that I can do anything with you and not feel the rest? [ he doesn’t want the answer. he knows he placed those doubts in kaz’s head himself despite wanting so badly to guard his heart. ] That I could ever touch you, kiss you, look at you and not feel — [ his fingers slide down the sharp planes of his cheeks, caressing the lines of his jaw. one hand ghosts to his throat, his hand stilling over the dark bruise. he tilts kaz’s jaw up and leans in, his lips suddenly ghosting over his mottled skin. ] That I could somehow divorce touch and the depth of what I feel for you — Kaz, even if the monster never let me touch you again, if it was the only one that ever got close enough to feel you, I would never stop feeling this way for you. And I would never want to.
[ he can’t get close enough, pressing kaz’s spine to the doorframe, distantly hearing his cane thud carelessly to the floor. one arm winds around his waist, bracing kaz against him as his mouth finds his for a desperate kiss, having ached for this for so long that he can barely hold himself back. ]
You can’t tell me to lead. [ his fingers tremble as they card through kaz’s dark hair and come to rest at his cheek once more, words dropping to a whisper between kisses. ] Because if it were up to me I would say to hell with all of this. I don’t care what’s coming for me. I would board my ship with you and show you the entire world and never come back. And I would love you with all the days that I have left. [ he laughs suddenly, a soft, aching sound as he presses his face to kaz’s hair to give him a moment to breathe, a moment to pull away if he needs to. ] You can’t tell me you’d follow such madness.
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until nikolai looks at him, eyes blazing without a speck of black to mar them. old instincts straighten kaz’s spine, jaw angled up for a fight. his fingers curl into fist, balanced against the doorframe. the hands on his face knock every thought off its track. a flicker of hurt escapes the crack in his wary mask. he forces himself to take a long breath, hand lifting from the door to nikolai’s forearm, unsure whether he intends to guide it away or hold it there. the distress crumpling nikolai’s features stalls any action. where would he go, when nikolai is here?
as nikolai mouths over his bruise, guilt and relief sear down his spine. hard to say what touch feels like for others, when it remains inherently overwhelming for kaz, imbued with meaning. there is no touch without risk (and its corollary, trust). no taction short of devastating (galvanising). nikolai’s words — the depth of what i feel you — prove just as rattling, the answer to the question he’s been asking since novyi zem. no, since nikolai kissed him in the captain’s quarters, as if he were a desirable thing. his words are a revelation with the force of a crashing wave, kaz, not brekker. nikolai has been closer than anyone (only the demon nips at his heels). a truth he seems to acknowledge without nudging him towards alternative hopes, for a change.
he drops his cane, but only realises it from the clatter against the floor. can’t help but think about how foolish that is — to drop his only weapon and support so that he can thread a hand into nikolai’s hair and throw an arm around his shoulders, to keep him there, kissing him breathless. there are no safe places, including here, in these arms. it’s easier to scold himself for that than face the words tumbling from nikolai’s perfect mouth. i would love you ringing, hallucination made real. that laugh in his ear — he tips his head back against the frame, angle harsh enough that he can see with his eyes half-closed. silent, invisible calculations in his head. ]
[ quiet, then. ] Are you hoping I’ll say no? [ another trap in which kaz brekker provides the escape, free of charge. no one but nikolai would recognise the unease tucked in the tick of his voice. kaz pushes through it. ] You won’t lead. You won’t be led. [ he drags a hand down nikolai’s collar, just shy of his fresh wounds, and then reverses course to cup his cheek. ] What am I supposed to do with you? [ besides this, tugging him in for a resurgent kiss and then another, fingers twisting into the short hair at the nape of his neck. ] You’ve been mad from the start. [ touching the bastard of the barrel after a dust-up, as if that’s the done thing. he closes his eyes and catches his breath, quieting the crackle of intimacy and lingering confessions. ]
I’d keep a hand on the wheel. You know that. [ can’t give over control completely, always angling and ever ready for the tide to change. it’s not quite an answer, but then nikolai didn’t ask a question. eyes opening, he tips his head forward. ] Does that sound like madness?
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he can't. not now. but looking at him now, sleepless and shadowed, the stench of blood still clinging to this room, he knows that allowing the demon to prey on him can only be a fleeting solution. once only. he lifts a finger and traces the pad his thumb beneath kaz's eye, his fingertip barely brushing the bottom of his dark lashes. after this voyage, after they reach fjerda, he can't rule out a painful untethering. not when he can't guarantee that a more permanent answer will ever present itself after all.
but of this he says nothing, because there are other promises he needs to extract first. he tugs kaz from the doorframe, mindful of the time he’s spent standing, their lips meeting in slow harmony as he guides him into the room. stripping the bed all for a little blood now feels a touch foolish, the mattress bare and uninviting, so he brings kaz to the floor instead, lowered into a mountain of pillows and sheets he’d thrown down in his discomfited tantrum. he can hardly bring himself to take a breath for want of kissing him, his eyes fluttering open to slide a pillow beneath kaz’s knee before he’s concentrated on his mouth again, hand cradling his cheek as he braces kaz gently against the side of the bed, leaning in like he’ll never be able to get close enough. ]
I trust you. [ to keep a hand on the wheel. he’ll need to, when nikolai is buried deep inside himself and unable to be his safety in the way he’s always endeavored. the kiss breaks, but he doesn’t move away, his eyes shuttered. it’s easier this way when he knows what he’s going to ask won’t be met with enthusiasm. his fingers glide slowly down kaz’s cheek, coming to rest at the curve of his throat, his thumb brushing over his bruised skin. ] But you have to make me a promise. Promise that you’ll defend yourself in any means necessary. That you won’t hesitate just because this thing is in my body, wearing my face. Swear it to me. [ he finally pulls back, taking kaz’s bandaged hand and pressing it to his heart, the wounds at his chest stinging beneath kaz’s fingers. ] Swear to me that I won’t wake up to find your body robbed of life by the monster. I would rather die. Swear that you’ll kill me first.
[ his hazel eyes are clear, steady. the only regret he feels is that he knows these demands are too great a burden to place upon anyone, that these words will sit like a serrated blade in kaz’s lungs each time he takes a breath. kaz will not forgive him, if it ever comes to this brutal end, but there are many crimes nikolai knows he’ll never earn forgiveness for. he doesn’t look away, gaze fixed on kaz’s eyes, bright sapphire only made more piercing with pain. ]
I will not kill for the monster. [ he’s done it enough, so many times that he’ll never be able to put a number to the lives he’s taken or absolve himself of this sin. he won’t add to it. ] And I will not feed from you unless you agree to my terms. This is not a barter.
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another time, he might unpick how nikolai sometimes speaks of the demon as part of him, while others, he refers to it as wholly separate. can barely focus on thoughts splintering from the present, with how nikolai drags him to a potential future. this is what he trusts you to do. his own pulse thuds in his ears, accelerated and magnified by nikolai’s heart beating beneath his palm. his other hand cradles nikolai’s skull, tugging it forward. ]
[ in a whisper made harsh by the gravel in his throat, ] I know. [ nikolai would rather die than kill again. if it came down to him or nikolai, any unselfish gambit would doom them both. he tilts his head until their foreheads press together, blue eyes more alert than they’ve been all morning. ] I swear, Nikolai. If it comes to that, I’ll kill you first. [ that scenario plays out against his will: nikolai’s teeth at his throat, the knife in his hand, his body suddenly limp against him. he wants to beg for an alternative, any promise that won’t send him hurtling back to the start — no, further along the winding path he took to power. ] The deal is the deal. [ ground out, despite every protest in his heart. a kiss seals it, hard and desperate. his memory of last night's ploy refracts in the afternoon sun. it won’t end that way, he reminds himself. if the demon wanted to kill him, it would have seized the opportunity to do so before now. it might yet kill someone else, dissatisfied with kaz’s offering. he'll have to force it to understand. bloodshed all but guarantees its end. and kaz brekker, untrustworthy and fractious as he is, can repay what’s been lost. his lips brush nikolai’s cheek, suddenly chaste. ]
Go get the kit. Can't have a scratch ending you before all that. [ less vitally, it allows him time to re-arrange all the trembling thoughts in his mind. if it comes down to him or nikolai, he can make the call (the kill). it’d be no different from his life up to this point. better to view everything he’s had in the last year as the exception and not the rule. he tidies his hair, though he suspects (hopes) nikolai will dishevel it again. ] You didn’t answer me earlier. [ at breakfast. once he has the kit in hand, he’s quick to dab at nikolai’s wounds without warning, the burn of disinfectant chasing his nimble fingers. ] Is this all you want today? [ from there, he unwinds the bandages and jerks his head to call nikolai closer. his good leg bends to leverage himself straighter, so he can wrap the crimson cuts on nikolai’s chest. ] And tonight?
[ a murkier concept. his gaze meets nikolai’s before returning to his work, movements precise. ]
no subject
is this all he wants? it feels like an impossible question to answer, the sort of thing he hasn’t bothered being truthful about in years. he’s always wanted more, always craved more attention, more affection, and it’s no different now, his fingers restless as they travel along the fabric of kaz’s shirt, holding as still as he’s able while his wounds are tended. there’s a careful sort of hunger in kaz’s gaze, something that twists knots in nikolai’s stomach, and he can’t help but feel as though kaz is leading him even now, but in this way he doesn’t mind quite so much. ]
I should be asking you that, since you’ve yet to master voicing your desires at will. [ kaz’s hands are efficient but gentle, his fingertips cool when they brush bare skin. when the work of the bandages is done, nikolai strays nearer still, greedy for the sight of him like this, boyishly undone. he flicks open the buttons of kaz’s shirt, knowing that he should be doing precisely the opposite, that there are affairs that need seeing to before their voyage, but the rising need between them feels heightened in its urgency, and for more than just a touch or a kiss.
when he brings their mouths together this time he slips his tongue past kaz’s lips, slowly seeking entrance, his fingers threading gently through his dark hair. he allows himself this moment, unhurried, the full weight of his want poured into one kiss. kaz’s mouth tastes like honey — and sudden copper when his tongue brushes a tender cut at the inside of his cheek, a brief tang of blood. he remembers waking to the hot, salty kiss sealed in blood and draws in a sharp breath, tensing. but he also feels the afternoon sunlight warming the back of his neck, hears kaz’s soft promise still ringing in his ears. i’m not going anywhere. ]
When you feel me— [ his voice is just a whisper, his eyes closed as his hands travel down kaz’s body, fingers drawing slowly down the hard planes of his chest, tracing over the cage of his ribs and dipping down to loosen his trousers. his lips relocate to his cheek, his jaw, nudging his head up so he can kiss along the line of his throat, charting a path that cuts directly over the bruise. ] My hands, my mouth — [ his palm presses to his cock, flooded with the sudden realization that he has not touched kaz in so long that he aches for it now, his mouth seeking his lips once more. ] Is it me you feel? Or is it —
[ the words are swallowed in a desperate kiss, loathing that this doubt plagues his mind, that the monster has taken even this from him. ]
no subject
nikolai does his damndest to keep still while kaz cares for him, and his heart kicks up in his chest at the thought of the effort required. i should be asking you is such a predictable response that he huffs a laugh. ghezen forbid nikolai lantsov ever answers one of his questions. kaz forces a frown as he knots the bandage atop nikolai’s shoulder. he was hoping nikolai might offer a plan for the demon’s dinner tonight before distracting him, but admitting that’s what he was asking about would only lend credence to nikolai’s fixation on his unattended, fledgling wants. what sort of person thinks of logistics and death, while he has this in hand? (they do, of course.)
when nikolai ducks into his space, kaz gives in, leaning against the mattress and straightening his leg. here’s a hand in his hair that he didn’t have to ask for — not just touching but holding. they should be making preparations for the voyage, but every instinct is inverted with nikolai. rather than stiffening, his tongue running across his mouth activates an unlocking. kaz sighs into nikolai’s mouth, brandied where it was bloody only this morning. much more familiar. can feel nikolai notice the raw ridge in his cheek. wonders, then, what he makes of it and receives an answer as it pulls him taught as a high-wire. should guide him across, without any abrupt shifts, but there are pathetic rattles in his cavernous mind. with what i am, what i’ve done, what wants me, do you still — his hands trace the bandages, then wander lower, thumb dragging down the divot in nikolai’s lower back until it reaches his trousers. kaz hooks his fingers into the waistband, sliding around to unlace his front. he slows as nikolai stumbles: whisper off-kilter, lips pressed to the bruise he shouldn’t have allowed. that the demon keeps re-marking every chance it gets. like nikolai. not like nikolai. a dark, wanting thing. like you. a chill runs through him, icy as the black waters.
he’s distracted enough that the hand on his cock wins a soft sound, unstoppered. both hands settle at nikolai’s hips, urging him nearer, into his lap like the last time they were close. immediately, it’s clear what he can’t quite ask. all his nerves teeter on edge. you put that doubt in his heart. they’re kissing before kaz can answer, and then they’re kissing again because he can’t get enough after going without. might not have this in the morning, if the demon finds their offering lacking. and if it accepts? he shivers, grip tightening. ]
It’s you. [ an assurance gifted with urgency in the seconds between open-mouthed kisses, eyes screwed shut. every stray thought returns to nikolai, even the ones that begin with his shadow circle back to him. ] Whenever anyone tries to come close, even when it isn’t you — [ that’s harder to explain, tainted with madness. when the demon drags cold down his skin and sinks its teeth into his flesh, the knowledge that it’s still nikolai, if only in part, keeps him from sinking into the harbour. he nuzzles into nikolai’s cheek, affection overflowing ] It’s always you. [ most likely, nikolai does and doesn’t want such an answer. before it gets caught and twisted in his paradoxical mind, kaz pulls his hips downward and arches up to meet them. ]
Want you to leave a mark. [ a hushed request hung on a hitching breath. maybe then they’ll both think of that and not its mirror image. but what if nikolai says no? perhaps he can’t after it did that, too. this is the trouble with voicing his desires. better to revisit one that nikolai let slip. ] I want to give you what you begged for last time we were together, too. [ weeks ago now, probably with half-a-hope that kaz would forget he said anything so needful. he slips his hand into nikolai’s loosened trousers, cupping his ass. ] Do you still — [ want him, want that, or has the third entity in this entanglement changed where they stand? ]
no subject
and still kaz gifts him with this. it's you. doesn't matter which you — perhaps kaz doesn’t see his fragments and masks the way nikolai does, donning them to feel like a wholly different man — only that kaz sees him and not it. his breath chokes suddenly — it’s always you — but he kisses him harder, only bereft of his mouth when kaz asks for something more, and nikolai doesn’t hesitate for even a moment, the thought of saying no never crossing his mind. an immediate reward for voicing a desire, his mouth finds a soft, hidden spot inches beneath kaz’s earlobe, teeth scraping against flesh before he sucks sharply, leaving a mark on the opposite side of his throat that his collar will neatly cover. he kisses the reddened skin, soothing it over with his tongue, and is diligently on his way to kissing along the whole of his jawline when kaz speaks again, effectively stalling his mouth.
yes, a part of him wishes he’d forgotten. a flush floods his cheeks, shame and desire warming him in equal parts, but for better or for worse, kaz never forgets anything. he wanted this — still wants this, to give every part of himself, to have this with kaz. when he asked before he’d been smarting with hurt and anger, reeking of desperation upon seeing kaz after such a prolonged absence (after walking into an empty room). arching into kaz’s touch, ever mindful of his injury, he kisses him while trying to tame the flight of nerves rushing through him. ]
Do I still what? Want this? [ it won’t do to let that doubt fester. the darkness has spread far past his own self to now infect kaz as well, but whatever his feelings about the shifting ground beneath them, there are some things even the monster can’t change. ] I want everything with you. For as long as I can have it. [ pulling his hand from kaz’s trousers, he grinds their hips together, his cavernous need eclipsing, for now, the unease of vulnerability. by some stroke of luck or the favor of the saints, kaz still wants him — doesn’t look at him as the fearsome, detestable thing that lives inside him, that’s become so much a part of him that nikolai doesn’t know where he ends and the monster begins. can’t say how long that will last. ] For as long as you’ll have me.
[ then they’re kissing again, heated and urgent, breaking apart sporadically so he can undress them both, sliding kaz’s shirt from his shoulders, lifting his hips to strip him bare of his trousers. nikolai shucks his own pants after him and rattles the drawer open, moving objects about haphazardly until he finally closes his fingers around the tin he’s looking for. the top clatters to the floor as he returns to his careful position in kaz’s lap, his hand slick as he grips kaz’s cock and drags his fingers from base to tip. his fingers tremble, his breath an unsteady cascade against kaz’s wet lips. the logistics of what he asked for suddenly press upon him, that he will have to stop and be still, theoretically, at least for a bit, and that does little to ease the tension holding tight to him. until now, he’s taken the natural lead in all their encounters, happy to offer kaz guidance and a space to stretch new muscles. it isn’t as if he doesn’t enjoy the other side (he does, immensely), but he’s shed many habits since the demon took hold, willingly yielding any inch of control being chief among them. ]
no subject
as long as you’ll have me, he says, as if kaz’s wanting has an end — as if he didn’t kiss nikolai’s shadow, mouth full of blood. a thief never gives anything back. if nikolai would stay — or let kaz follow him — he busies his mouth before he risks excavating his heart all over again. his hands only fall away when nikolai lifts out of reach, and they’re snug at his hips as soon as he returns. can’t keep himself from staring or stop awe from tugging his mouth higher. so much happens in a rush and then stops, but kaz catches up.
when nerves get the better of nikolai, he tries to speed past them, careening around corners to the next thing — putting someone else’s pleasure above his own, as he does now. tension coiled at the base of his spine, hips hovering above kaz’s lap. hasn’t ever been like this before — but this is different, isn’t it? from everything else. he knows that now. he slides his hand up and down nikolai’s back, soothing without seeking anything more. ]
Not so fast. [ in the matters of hurrying this along and going away inside his mind. saints, he can feel the furrow in nikolai’s brow, their noses brushing. gently, he guides nikolai’s hand away from his aching cock to the mattress behind him. lightly, then. ] How heavy do you think you are? [ laughing, just a little, at nikolai’s suspended position, poised on taut muscles. both hands re-settle on his hips and squeeze, pulling him flush. it doesn’t hurt kaz, injury set at a resting level of pain. his bandaged palm frames the length of nikolai's neck, thumb arcing over the hinge of his jaw. a softer kiss helps slow the world down, narrowing his focus to exploring nikolai’s perfect mouth. ]
I’ve wanted this, too, but not like that. [ is this how nikolai has been with others? the people in-between dominik and kaz. possibly. (they can’t have known how precious he is, or they’d never have let him go.) it's not how nikolai has been with him, in the moments that mattered, so kaz adjusts their course.
leaning back and to the side, he stretches in search of the tin that nikolai sent rolling among his mountainous bedsheets and pillows. so careless with his things (with himself). once he finds it, he sets it within reach, brow arched like he half expects nikolai to dart forward again. his hand fits back at nikolai’s hip soon enough, tracing the seam where it meets his thigh. kaz thinks about nikolai’s legs tightening around him, when he first asked for this — how badly he wanted to give it to him, despite the chill in the air from their parting. his fingers follow the muscle of his thigh to the bend of his knee, dipping into that soft hollow before skimming down his leg to cinch at his ankle. there are still so many places he hasn’t touched. even when he finally maps them all, he knows it won’t be enough. ] Like this.
[ he slicks his fingers and curls them around the base of nikolai’s cock, grip sliding tight to the tip and back down. a few easy jerks are meant to break the surface tension, but it’s hard to stop touching him once he’s started. luckily, he supposes he doesn’t have to, his other hand gliding back up nikolai’s leg and dipping between his cheeks. ] Tell me if this isn’t alright. [ it’s another moment of unhurried warming, not pressing in, even if nikolai tries to urge him onwards. never done this before, obviously, but nikolai did it for him. the memory makes his heart stutter. ] If it’s too fast, [ teasing, maybe, but they’ve only just found themselves on the same page. ] I can wait. [ he presses inward, just so. kaz can always wait, even for things that may never come to pass, and certainly for this, nikolai’s weight comforting and not oppressive. alive, not dead. suffused with heat from the inside — he can feel it. a slight push acts as a careful test of resistance. quick kisses cover his cheek, the corner of his mouth, his jaw. too much affection, stymied for years and then only weeks. ] I’ll give you anything you want. [ he jacks nikolai’s cock at the exact moment he sinks inside. ] Everything.
no subject
although when he looks at kaz now it’s hard to believe that of him, with his gentle reassurances, firm but never pressing too hard. testing the waters, perhaps, of how much guidance nikolai will take. historically, it’s been little. to lay the mantle down after so long — so long that it feels all but welded to his shoulders — feels impossible. but kaz pulls him close, reorients him with a slow kiss and his languorous hands exploring his body, and nikolai finds himself responding in kind, his hand once again in kaz’s soft hair, his heart rabbiting in a quick but steady pace. it’s new for him — not the coarse action in itself, but the whole of this. he’s fallen into many beds, had experiences of many kinds, but none that have stripped him bare quite like kaz is able to, none that have meant so much or come so close to his heart. ]
It’s — good. [ stuttered into his mouth when kaz’s deft fingers wrap around his cock, simultaneous pressure spreading him open. he rocks forward, then backwards, wanting both with a gaping hunger, his skin flush with desire. ] It’s not too fast. [ i can wait sounds more like punishment for his bad behavior, but kaz doesn’t hold out for long, chasing his sweet promises with reward, and nikolai’s spine tightens, bracing one hand tighter against the bed as he finally broaches him. immediately, he wants more. ]
Another. [ he kisses him, nudging his hips up slightly so kaz can add a second finger, this time accompanied with a slow burn of pain that he relishes. his teeth catch at kaz’s bottom lip as he bears down, a helpless sound escaping the clench of his teeth. everything strikes discord in him, his eyes fluttering open, a crease in his brow. he’s shaken by how much he wants this, and how every breath feels lancing, tension singing in his bones. his words don’t sound like himself when he speaks, instead taking on the quality of someone less assured, someone who has allowed a deep seated fear to creep into the light. ] I don’t want everything from you. [ he falters; it sounds wrong, hurtful, the opposite of what he means. his fingers curl at kaz’s shoulder, a shudder taking him as he shifts. ] The monster wants to take everything from you. I only want you to stay.
[ a wholly selfish request when in his mind’s eye he’s all but decided that this must end when kaz has been excised of the merzost in his leg. he understands now why it hurts to breathe, and that it will hurt every time he looks at kaz until the moment he’s forced to cut him away like a dog from a leash, only kaz will never understand that he’s the dog and kaz is the one holding the leash. he rises suddenly, feeling the cold absence of kaz’s fingers, reaching down to wrap his hand firmly around kaz’s waiting cock. ]
I need you. [ never been one for begging, and yet it feels natural now, something fissuring in him at the weight of his own deception. he has time, dwindling though it may be. time to concoct a plan, to invent a new solution, only those weeks have been slashed to ribbons with the demon’s demands. every seven days he must forge an answer. there is no time, not with kaz’s wellbeing sitting flush in the middle. panic mingled with desire quickens his breath, a heady mixture. no time at all.
gripping the nape of kaz’s neck, he pulls him down as he sprawls onto his back among the pillows, drawing him between his legs. his green eyes are as dark as a forest at night, his hips rising in a desperate plea. ] Please. Don’t be gentle.
no subject
[ a disapproving noise. ] I know you want more than that. [ he pushes in hard, crooking his fingers. his tone leaves no room for doubt. nikolai is like him, a boy whose wanting has no end — or he’d have let kaz finish this closeness moments ago. why reject that offer of a clean break? if it were anyone else, he’d think they wanted to heighten his pain — to take control and twist the knife in his gut, but nikolai has been chasing emotion over logic ever since he lost the crown. as it happens, kaz also disagrees in the matter of the monster, but decides against voicing that. if the monster wanted to take everything, it’s had chance after chance to do so — last night most of all — and every time, it lets him go. there’s too much of nikolai in it to hurt him like that. and there’s too much of it in nikolai for him to mean what he says. ] You want this, too, and I want to give it to you. You can’t take something that’s freely given. [ but then nikolai seems to be struggling to take any of this — kaz has half a mind to slow to a stop until nikolai takes him in hand and confesses his need. ]
You have me, Nikolai. [ riding on an unsteady breath. the second request destabilises him. don’t be gentle. because you don’t want it, or because you can’t take it? tenderness hurts more, he knows it does. it’s why he behaved so harshly the second time they came together. in this, however, kaz is prone to softness, with his jagged edges sanded down by the hours they’ve spent entangled — or maybe just by bumping up against the border between longing and having one too many times. this close, kaz can feel everything: the rise and fall of nikolai’s chest under his wandering hands, the reverberation of his answer, and the pulse ratcheting under his skin, flushed with blood. as with all things nikolai asks of him, it takes little time for kaz to oblige, leaning more on his left leg than the right. he slides a pillow under nikolai’s hips to heighten the angle, palm pushing his chest down. it’s the best chance he’s had to look at nikolai — all of nikolai — in some time, and he gets a little lost in it.
regaining a measure of focus, he first anchors his hand under nikolai’s thigh, sliding slowly up behind his knee. even if nikolai doesn't think he needs time — it can't hurt. kaz guides his legs around his waist, attention split between where he pushes inside (slow and careful and gentle, despite his instructions) and nikolai’s expression, cracking under the pressure of intimacy. ]
You feel so good. [ overwhelmed despite his efforts to maintain his composure, to make this good for nikolai by being a fixed point. the fissures already show, eyes wild and hair sticking up from when nikolai ran his fingers through it. never had someone quite like this before, never been comfortable or welcomed enough to bend over them, as intimate as it gets. kaz shifts a hand back up his thigh, so he can snap his hips the rest of the way, bottoming out, all shuddering breaths. the heat of another body is horrible. no, wonderful. it’s just nikolai — nikolai with his razored teeth at his throat and claws sinking into his hand, shoulder, leg. a wounded sound. has to dig his nails into nikolai’s thigh to ground himself, steadying himself so he's got enough leverage to move with one hand, while the other laces their fingers together at nikolai’s hip, more for his own sake. ]
I’ve got you. [ another shift to adjust the angle where they come together, pulling nikolai closer, dragging long and slow. there’s too much on kaz’s mind to do anything but keep moving — working himself up into deeper and better-timed thrusts. ]
no subject
kaz, of course, treats him gently. it’s harder to bear than he could have imagined, after everything — to try to relax, to attempt to lower the barrier between heedless pleasure and the inescapable clamor of his thoughts. he’s eager to have kaz inside of him, but it comes with the heavy weight of gentle caresses, kaz’s fingers exploring places he’s never touched before. it isn’t the touch itself that unnerves him — it’s the quiet reverence with which kaz does so, as if his edges are still gilded, as if he still deserves to be handled with such care. he thinks of zoya sending him away, of his parents standing before him in os kervo’s city hall to renounce him as a pretender. he thinks of kaz’s fresh blood in his mouth, and how he has no choice but to hurt him again this very day.
he feels the shift when their fingers twine, kaz holding on as if he’ll be swept away by the tide, his hips still pushing doggedly into him as if nikolai’s pleasure is more important than anything else. a low moan tumbles past his lips, his lashes fluttering as he tries to keep kaz in his sights, wanting to make sure he’s all right. doesn’t like this feeling of his control slipping away, but there’s little he can do against it when no part of his body wants this to stop. ]
You do. You have me. [ a bitter truth, confessed in a tight breath. any other time it would make him glad in ways he’s wished for for so long — to belong, to be wanted — only this time he’s caught in an awful snare constructed by kaz and the monster. nowhere to go but forward, time shrinking down between now and the moment his razored teeth sink back into soft flesh. their hips join again, a raw brush of heat knocking his thoughts askew, his head tipping into a patch of sunlight as his back arches. he’s blinded momentarily when his gaze flutters open, his eyes bright gold in the sun, and then he moves, gripping the back of kaz’s neck to draw him down for a hard kiss. ]
It’s good. Keep going. [ he meets kaz’s thrusts, helping him to a rhythm while he feels his resolve melt away. it’s like trying to hold on to a ledge with slippery fingers, trying to hold back a dam with battered walls. his hand presses to kaz’s spine, urging him in deeper while his breath stutters, his hair darkening with sweat. ] I need it — to feel good for you, too. Does it? Tell me —
[ he tries to meet his gaze, but it feels too piercing, a small lance of panic cutting through his chest before he rises, spending a moment on a breathless kiss and then turning to brace against the side of the bed. he pulls kaz’s chest to his back, deft fingers finding kaz’s slick cock and sliding it back inside of him with a soft groan. craning over his shoulder, he steals another messy kiss, blond hair askew, his eyes near glassy with desperation. he pushes back, heat sparking between them. ] Please. Please.
what year is it
it’s easier than it should be, to let control ebb and flow between them. (should never ease his grip, should never let nikolai guide his steps.) kaz slows and gentles until nikolai can’t take it any longer — expected, understood — green-gold eyes gilded with sunlight and threatening to cut to the heart of him. kaz chokes on his wanting until nikolai tongues the air back into his lungs. it’s good. surely wanted — perhaps needed, or that’s kaz’s own higher thoughts collapsing in on themselves. nothing but fevered skin, sweat-slick between them. he’d have lost himself already if not for nikolai’s urging. as ever, kaz follows his voice out of the endless dark. ]
Yeah — yes. [ would have agreed with anything nikolai asked just now, because it’s good in the way it always is. better. the part of drowning where the body gives into its fate.
then they’re aligned at a new angle, kaz’s hands finding the curves of nikolai’s hips, at first gauging the rhythm of his movements, then aiding them with a hard push down. ]
It’s good. [ his mouth finds nikolai’s throat, teeth scraping at the soft juncture of his neck. if their roles were reversed, his jugular would be open. or maybe it wouldn’t. maybe it’d just be marked again: the threat of blood bruising the skin. kaz smears kisses up nikolai’s throat to banish his thoughts, copper in his mouth. ] You’re — good. [ voice breaking, rock salt rasp made brittle. ]
Perfect, Nikolai. [ you have to say his name. debauched and unravelling in his arms for the better. between them, kaz’s fingers follow the tense cord of muscle down nikolai’s back, the arc of his trembling spine that he must have memorised. can’t hold onto this moment any longer. heat curls in the pit of his chest. finally, he reaches around to the flat of nikolai’s stomach, trembling with nerves or need, and takes his cock in hand. ] You first. [ more breathless than teasing, though a lucid thought underwrites it. nikolai always puts others — including damnable kaz brekker — first, chasing their pleasure (and safety) before his own. not today. not this very second or in the miserable hours that will follow. kaz pushes slick and deep, hand quick and sure as nikolai tightens around him. no wonder nikolai wanted this before fjerda (might have thought of it within moments of having the flinty, narrow-eyed kaz brekker staring at him with blown open eyes). a sweet dizziness overtakes him just as nikolai spills in his hand. kaz loses his mouth after that, face buried in nikolai’s shoulder and hips pushing until his wanting crests with a faltering cry. his breath keeps coming hot and heavy after, slowing but not stopping. no matter the angle, kaz always ends up split open, with crevices and cracks for nikolai to store his light. ]
Perfect, Nikolai. [ if he keeps saying it, nikolai might half-believe him. one arm still braces around nikolai’s chest; his other hand falling to nikolai’s thigh. kaz tells himself he can hold on because nikolai will pull away before anything else can slip through his teeth. ]
the year of my blessing
perfect. a lie or the truth, it doesn’t matter now. nothing matters now except that he has kaz for this moment, has him in a way that’s more than good — good enough to forget the looming darkness snapping at his heels, the horrible, twisted bargain struck between man and monster. kaz will not let him run from it later, but now there’s only the slick pull of kaz’s nimble fingers, the arch of his spine with every thrust. the familiar rasp of his voice guides him toward the cusp of his pleasure — nikolai would be lost without it, without him, not just here in this moment, but for the months now that kaz brekker has occupied a space in the brambles of his thoughts, the one constant in a life marked by darkness and loss.
he comes with a hard shudder, kaz’s fingers working some miraculously cruel magic to wring a pathetically helpless sound from his throat, and he feels every tremor when kaz follows, both of nikolai’s hands gripping the bed, white-knuckled. nikolai moves even as time seems to halt around them, turning in kaz’s tender embrace to cradle his jaw, lifting his face to his for a breathless kiss, long and slow. kissing kaz brekker is its own sort of lovemaking, the give and take of it, the yielding of his body, the way kaz gives the whole of his attention to the act, the way every thought flies out of nikolai’s head with the soft slide of their mouths. his fingers caress kaz’s sweat-slicked skin, his heartbeat rabbiting against his own. nikolai relishes the mess their bodies have made together, and he wonders, fleetingly, if a part of kaz is tempering his revulsion right now. ]
Remember this. [ he runs a hand through kaz’s dark hair, then finds his hand, twining their fingers together. his lips never leave kaz’s, greedy, hungrily chasing his mouth. ] When I’m not myself. You have to remember who I really am. [ a prince, a privateer, a monster trying to be an ordinary man. he presses their linked hands to kaz’s fast-beating heart, alive. ] No matter what happens. Remember this.
[ he kisses kaz for as long as time allows it, until their breaths settle, until they’re tangled once again on the floor and the shadows lengthen through his bedroom window. until reality starts to creep back into the spin of his whirring mind, the ship’s preparations and kaz’s leg and the task of allowing the monster to feed. it will be the last thing they do tonight — it will put kaz out of commission and likely nikolai as well, at worst, and he’s not chancing that anything will go at best. when he rolls onto his back, he’s clear-eyed as he blinks at the ceiling, his thumb rubbing idly at kaz’s hip. ]
Get your affairs in order. Meet me back here when you’re done. [ he shifts to glance at him, smile in place. ] There’s no privacy in Fifth Harbor.