[ memory taints kaz’s perception, infiltrating sights and sensations. less so now, absorbed in a world of two, edges blurred by arousal, but it’s there. perhaps that’s why he recognises a similar tendency in nikolai — whose mind seems most drawn to pinch points. that’s where even brilliant men jam limbs between the moving and stationary parts of the machine. although nikolai’s present self strides forward, he gets caught in past mistakes, alternate presents, fatal futures.
the thought only crystalises into something sayable, when nikolai stills. ]
[ firm, but not harsh. ] There is no place where I grew up with you. [ the crown would have no need of him in the alternate world where he isn’t kaz brekker (or even kaz rietveld), a ravkan boy turned canon fodder. he would have died, absolutely, torn to ribbons on the field like his father or shot on the frontlines. a soft thing from the country, who wouldn’t be half as intelligent, without the motivation and freedom to study everything he needed to survive. or half as closed off. that kaz might have been able to touch others and release the fluttering wants in his throat. might have had a brother a little while longer, too, but none of it matters. it isn’t real. lightly, ] Stay where I am, for a change.
[ no detours into his branching, possible deaths or the countless near-misses across his short life. he’ll no doubt face the darkness one day, when his devil’s luck runs out — when he makes a killing mistake. and what do you call this? nikolai’s claws in his hand, in his shoulder; the teeth at his throat, in life, in a dream. his shoulder smarts from all the movement. a gentleman’s bet. ]
With the me that’s really here, not the boy you imagine. [ caught in the jaws of the monster, bleeding out on a battlefield in ravka, tucked away somewhere safe, asking for things he doesn’t want. ] Then you’d know I decide what I want. [ and nikolai will choose what he gives in return, an exchange like any other. he sighs. ] And that I believe all our losses are self-made. [ even his first, certainly his last. (who else could doom dirtyhands but himself?) every loss flares from a choice, as simple as a decision to care, to go left instead of right into the alley where someone grabs you — luck is a factor, but there are no gods or saints guiding her. a bad hand can still be played with adept strategy, if only in one near-impossible scenario. those are the odds kaz has counted on all his life. ]
Of course you are. [ affection threatens his wrecked but otherwise neutral features, mercifully waylaid by nikolai’s mouth. you’ve been testing my limits since you met me. the thought shocks a hoarse laugh from his chest, breaking the kiss as he pushes his hand through the neck of nikolai’s shirt to tilt his face away — ] You’re insufferable. [ — and then swiftly guide him back, palm cupping his cheek. he tells himself it’s better to leave it there, lest he irritate his injured side. the concurrent rush of praise and touch widens the set of his eyes, and his mouth parts on a low moan. when nikolai looks at him like that, it feels like an unbreakable tether, even as his hands filch the air from his lungs. he won’t last, muscles strung tight.
will you keep touching me? breath quickening, an instinctive fear twists in his chest. deft fingers find their way into nikolai’s trousers, opening them enough to free his cock for a tentative stroke — that stalls when kaz feels him twitch. not bad. a surer pump of his hand. not bad at all. to live in the barrel is to know bodies of all kinds, even without touching them, but he’s never known nikolai’s body, gaze lowering to memorise the flurry of movement between them, to marvel at the searing image of his cock in his bare hand —
suddenly, he lifts said hand away. his cocked brow assures nikolai that this delay differs from the last, allowing kaz to lick a stripe up his palm. eyes intent even through the fog, he squeezes nikolai’s cock again, thumb arcing over the head and then dragging alongside a vein. ]
Like that? [ a tease, a tell. he doesn't know. kaz leverages the palm at nikolai’s cheek to smudge kisses along the underside of his jaw. the way you would touch yourself. an expert twist of the wrist, jacking him steadily. his voice thins, breathless. ] Like this?
[ the shift in kaz's tone earns him an undivided glance, something in his mind stilling to make room for his words. at first it feels as though he's being led — something he decisively abhors, his brow creasing in automatic pushback, but the simple request gives him pause. stay where i am. he wants to. he needs to, otherwise his thoughts become a catastrophic tangle in his head, one thing leading to another, all of it disastrous. is it so simple as just setting this aside? it feels unwise to ignore all the ways this can go wrong, all the reasons he should pull back. he doesn't know if he has the courage to say it twice, to face the storm of hurt and anger on kaz's face when presented with his flimsy excuses. but isn't it better for him to be alive, even if he hates him? ]
Kaz. [ his name wrapped in a quiet breath. he looks away and then back again just as quickly, a hundred things on his tongue. stay. leave. kiss me. i have to let you go. he swallows them all down, tries to listen to one voice instead of the many pulling him in clashing directions. why did you have to decide that you wanted me? the hand between his legs stills into soft motions, his other hand rising to run the pad of his thumb across the flush standing out on kaz's cheeks. it's warm here, in the space where their breaths mingle, pale skin damp beneath his fingertips. stay where i am. maybe he should learn to take direction. he exhales, his chest falling, wry amusement in the sparkle of his eyes. ] Once and only once will I heed your advice. I'm here, where you are.
[ and he finds he doesn't mind the space. his mouth presses to his in a soft kiss, a gentle promise not to stray from this path. the sound that kaz makes — did he just laugh? — pulls a smile to his lips, followed by a laugh of his own when kaz pushes his face away. ] That's common knowledge, Brekker. I've always been insufferable.
[ his laughs cuts off into a groan as kaz sneaks his way into his trousers, his cock twitching in his fingers from the sudden attention. another first, kaz taking his desires into his own hand. nikolai fixes his gaze keenly on him as he wets his palm with his tongue, a rush of heat spreading up his neck from the sight. he's imagined it countless times, before they ever touched each other this way — kaz fisting his own cock in the darkness of his bed, the quietly rough noises he would make, the shudder of his body beneath his own touch. he blinks and kaz has him in hand again, drawing out a strained moan as his hips cant eagerly for more. ]
Yes. It's good. You're good. [ his hand quivers, fingers loose around kaz's cock. his mouth is like fire against his jaw, and he shifts swiftly to catch him in a disheveled kiss, his tongue pressing past his lips as his head empties, narrowing down to the pulse of heat and wet fingers. kaz's bare fingers, wringing a moan from his throat. skilled, despite never having touched him before. was there really no one? he finds he doesn't want to know if there was.
he can hardly keep pace, but — never being one to shy away from a challenge — he renews his strokes with ruthless vigor, panting against the heat of his mouth. when was the last time anyone touched him like this? he catches his thoughts before they stray, one hand sliding into kaz's hair, his touch decidedly gentle, careful of the cut at his temple. his fingers curl at the nape of his neck, keeping him close. another keening sound from his lips, another shudder as he presses his eyes shut. it's good — better than good, the sweetest ache that sends heat pooling low inside of him, his spine arching in a rush of breath. ]
Wait — wait, not yet. [ his fingers clamp around kaz's wrist, pulling his hand away, and then he's sliding back down between his legs, taking his cock in his mouth once more, tousled blond falling into his eyes. a groan rumbles deep in his throat as he swallows him down as far as he can, desperate to pull another cry out of him, to feel the way pleasure seizes his body. he pulls off with a gasp, his bright eyes hazy with lust. ] Come for me. And then make me come. [ his breath shudders over his glistening cock before he slides it past his lips again, eyes closing as he skims his hand blindly along kaz's side, turning his palm up for him to take if he needs to, or even if he simply wants to. ]
[ for once, asking is enough to win what he wants. he can feel the way nikolai tenses and relaxes, preparing to leave, to stay, to blow out the fire he lit all over again. kaz, not brekker. a good sign, a terrible one. he thinks about admitting that he needed nikolai in the water, at the inn, and about nikolai admitting that he needs kaz, too, in this cave. whatever hope a half-dead boy has left inside him, nikolai can have. no one else has the strength to take it, anyway. i’m here pushes out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. the kiss that chases it tastes sweeter, like a victory, until he ruins it himself. but there’s the laugh.
he kisses the fever in the hollow of nikolai’s throat, anxious for it to spread higher, to stain his tanned skin. a scrape of teeth wills it to do so, before nikolai steers them back into a kiss that makes him groan, lips parting so nikolai can have whatever he wants. even better are the sounds hushed into his ear, crackling down his spine. he swallows as many as he can, but his own hiccuping gasps disrupt his efforts. you’re good dislodges a sharper noise in his throat.
this time, when nikolai takes him in his mouth, kaz jerks and cries out — a sound that reverbs back in the cave, starker than anything up to this point. doesn’t come then and there but it’s a near thing, only thrown off by nikolai abruptly letting him go moments prior. heart thunderous, his thighs spread instinctively to accommodate nikolai again. the wild thought that he belongs there, that everything between his legs is for nikolai, recurs. what does he do with his hands again? kaz refuses to hide his face, but he’s tempted. colour splashed from his cheeks to his chest, his cracked open features alight on nikolai, more debauched than anything he could have imagined previously, with his limited resources. the demand should smart, it does, but it also heats him from the inside out. and there’s the immolation, melting the resistance in his muscles. he nods without meaning to, a quick, repeated motion that’s more desperate than anything he could have said. as soon as nikolai offers his hand, kaz grasps it like he means to haul him to safety or hang on for dear life, fingers curled around his wrist. ]
Nikolai. [ pleading, the emphasis in all the wrong places. he remembers that he can tangle his hand in nikolai’s hair at the exact moment he does it, carding back the waves hiding his glittering hazel eyes. kaz wants to watch more than anything, but he can’t, holding that image in his mind as his eyes screw shut, head tipping back. ] Fuck, Nikolai.
[ his climax rebuilds, quick and intense, voice cracking over another attempt at nikolai’s name. kaz comes hard, sunlight flashing behind his eyelids. a rock of his hips off the ground, into the clutch of nikolai’s mouth, his safe grip. his cock pulses in time with the waves of pleasure crashing over him. he knows that nikolai won’t stop until it seems like too much — and kaz finds he wouldn’t want him too — allowing a whimper to escape his teeth. even when nikolai relents, he struggles to catch his breath, chest visibly working, expression near-awestruck at the sight of nikolai above him.
he adjusts their grip into a proper clasp, tugging their linked hands to draw nikolai up and over him before letting go. hitching up on his elbows, kaz moves the hand in his hair to fist in his shirt, dragging him in for a harsh kiss, so he can taste himself again and suck on nikolai’s tongue. palm flattening against nikolai’s chest, leg hooking around him to grind him close, burning with oversensitivity at the contact but repeating the motion regardless — he knows what that means, what he wants even if he’s never committed it to fantasy. another day, if nikolai will allow him that close again.
an idea jolts the dizzyingly attractive blur of mouth to mouth, skin to skin, into focus. kaz musters the leverage to push nikolai onto his back, more secure in their previous position. his mouth cracks a lop-sided grin, as wild as he was on the beach, when he finally takes nikolai in hand, smearing precome down the length of his cock and working him over with ruthless, precise movements. he slides the tight circle of his fingers down to fondle his balls, to brush the sensitive space behind them. ]
You were so good. Perfect. [ a rush of words, light-headed after his orgasm. he initiates a bitey kiss and resumes jacking his hand, a slick, relentless glide. ] Let go. I'll take care of you.
[ it's less graceful this time, kaz nearly choking him when his hips buck as he comes down his throat, nikolai swallowing down his wet heat and trying to remember how to breathe. trying to memorize every sound coming from kaz's lips. he only stops because the ache of his own cock is difficult to ignore, but he'd happily stay nestled between kaz's legs to draw out whimper after whimper if they weren't currently stuck in a cave in the icy wilderness of fjerda. he'd like to do this again in the comfort of a bed, all night if he wants to. a dream with dwindling hope still trailing at the edges. kaz kisses away the thought, reminding him to ground himself in this moment, a rough breath escaping him when his hips grind unexpectedly against his. doesn't have time to think about it, because then kaz has him on his back to touch him in a way that has his muscles clenching tight, a helpless sound in his throat.
let go. his eyes squeeze shut and suddenly he's drifting in the water again. his fingers tighten around something warm — kaz's thigh, gripped so tightly he knows he'll leave bruises. he forces his hand to relax, forces his eyes blearily open to find kaz near, catching him in a kiss made of teeth. i'll take care of you. words he doesn't think he's ever heard before. no one has ever wanted to do that, and it's not something he's ever chased. his hand glides up the length of kaz's spine, nestling in his hair again, dropping a strangled moan into his mouth at kaz's expert touch. ]
Fuck, Brekker. You're — good. [ good hardly suffices. he huffs out a laugh, a shudder working through him. extraordinary hands, good for breaking locks, breaking bones, and apparently everything in-between. good for taking him apart. scorching heat pools inside of him, his hips pushing desperately into kaz's hand. he pulls him down into another kiss, his mouth trembling as his lips part, wanting kaz to devour every part of him until there's nothing else but this. nothing but his hands and his mouth and the taut pleasure spreading through his limbs, jagged lightning bolts streaking through him until he can't hold back anymore. his teeth sink into kaz's bottom lip for one frantic moment before he lets go, spilling hot over his hand with a ragged sigh pulled from his chest.
it feels like falling. or floating. he winds his arm around the curve of kaz's spine, drawing him in close as he presses breathless kisses to his throat, dragging his lips higher to the line of his jaw. his nose nuzzles against the sharp cut of his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut as he catches his breath. it's tempting to fall asleep here, his fatigue suddenly catching up with him, limbs warm and loose and relaxed for the first time in days. his mind feels blessedly empty. ]
I find I no longer care about the heart. [ he mumbles it into kaz's cheek, shifting to settle him gently at his side, taking care of his injured shoulder. he buries his face into his hair, lips brushing his ear, his voice low. ] Unless I can trade it for one night without chains, without that vile tonic, just one night in bed with you.
[ it’s for the best, that he came first (and second), focus returning to him so he can fully appreciate nikolai coming undone. he looks drunk on it, knocked off-balance in a way that kaz has never seen him. has he stopped thinking, worrying, fracturing, for just a moment? kaz thieves every wounded sound, each haphazard bit of taction, the width between his brows and the way his lashes falter. his mouth hooks sideways, more sly than smug (but that’s there, too). the startled praise suffuses him with warmth. ]
Never said I wasn’t. [ just implied that he hadn’t, with anyone else, but his clever hands have helped him manage by his lonesome in the intervening years, to be sure. nevermind that if nikolai hadn’t told him it was as simple as doing it the way he would for himself, kaz wouldn’t have thought of it like that or been able to touch him like this.
as the fog clears in his mind, the rumbling waves return. nikolai anchors him with kiss that kaz makes bruising, a bite that nicks his lip, a full-bodied release that breaks like the sky after a storm. kaz carries him through it, strokes slowing as nikolai softens. he even allows himself to be led closer, eyes shuttering as nikolai presses proof of unrestrained affection into his bones. or maybe it’s not affection. maybe it’s just what people do. he doesn’t know.
he wipes his hand on the ruined furs in the space between them before sliding it back across the still-trembling muscles of nikolai’s stomach, then grasping his waist to drag him close. kaz had been the one to untangle their limbs the first time, in nikolai’s quarters — and the other times, he’d been about to faint in the water, while nikolai had actually fainted on the shore — but he would prefer to stay now, if only for a little while longer (with no promise of this fragile closeness repeating). the mission whirs anew at the back of his mind. nikolai talks like there’s a chance, a flickering hope, and his breath catches. careful. in truth, kaz trusts nikolai with everything except self-preservation. did you ever want the heart? would you take it now, if i gave it to you? but even if nikolai doesn't mean what he says, the words heat kaz's cheeks all the same. he’d card a hand back through his hair, if nikolai hadn’t claimed the spot behind his temple as a resting place. ]
Just the one night? [ eyebrows arching, tone almost wry. he squeezes nikolai’s hip on his good side, blinking back the sensation of the flesh deteriorating under his hand. kaz scoffs. ] That’s a terrible deal. I’d never let you take it. [ irrelevant that he would definitely accept one night in bed with nikolai lantsov in exchange for most things, like the safety of being alone in his skin and away from the dead — or the firm grasp on his intelligence and restraint, which fell out of the crack in his head after nikolai started touching him again. ] I expect you to start negotiations with higher standards, [ another fragment stolen from nikolai, eyes sparking with amusement. ] or you’ll be countered into nothing.
[ easier to say that, just out of reach, than to offer him something accessible, like a day in his bed, though kaz would give him that, too. ]
[ for all they've done, this might be the closest he's ever gotten — kaz nestled gently against him, his arm at his waist like he means it to be there. like he wants this quiet moment, too. nikolai has had experience with relationships — a term he should use loosely — mostly back at university and all of them a whirlwind of chaos and extravagant mischief. even then he couldn't stand being alone, and there was no shortage of people looking for adventure and a warm bed. he liked the feeling of a shared space, liked being able to reach over and thread his fingers through soft hair or wind his arms around a warm body as he fell asleep. he always woke with the sun and discovered that coffee tasted better when shared in a tangle of sheets while light slowly filled his room.
where does kaz sleep? the question nips at his mind, a sudden and inconsequential curiosity. he keeps him close, his arm slung low around his waist — a perfect fit — and noses from his hair to his ear to his cheek, a smile pulling at his lips. ]
To think you've been keeping this talent to yourself. [ his hand slides lazily along his wrinkled shirt, tracing his spine all the way to the nape of his neck, hungry to feel every part of him. in time, if they're lucky. he settles at the small of his back, tucking him closer. if kaz hasn't touched anyone else this way, then has he allowed anyone else to hold him this way? surely not. nikolai lets the implications of that wash over him, loosens his hold just slightly if it's too much. seeks out his mouth for a gentle kiss, another to top the pile. he can't seem to stop. it's been so long since he, too, has had anything like this.
just the one night. does he dare to hope for more? even the one can't happen, not really. not the way he wants it to. he wants kaz to touch him again, to show him the things he does to himself in the dark, but he wants more than that. he wants uninterrupted sleep with kaz settled in his arms. never has a nap sounded so glorious. ] Someone very wise must have given you some sage advice on standards. I'm glad to know you were listening.
[ he kisses him again, languidly pressing his tongue into his mouth. they should move. perhaps they could find the others in this tunneled cave, though he's more interested in taking kaz back to the ship to see a healer. he trusts that his crew will find their way, and he knows that kaz won't give up on this mission regardless, so nothing has changed — except for this ever-shifting thing between them, growing stronger by the day. he's begun to think of the end of this job, when kaz sails back to ketterdam and he returns to os alta. what then? is he meant to just forget this? isn't the whole point that kaz becomes more comfortable with touch so that he might live a life more fulfilled with whoever he pleases? maybe when this is over nikolai will pay a long overdue visit to the wraith, clear his mind on one of her slaver hunts. pick her brain on their mutual... is friend the right word? not with the way kaz reacts around her name. ]
One night is all it would take to decorate the ship with your very attractive entrails. [ better to slam the door on that particular fantasy, even if he's once again branching off into alternate presents and fatal futures. his fingers drag along his waist, across his ribcage, pushing up to his heart to feel its rapid beat against his hand. one more probing kiss, slow and deep, before he finally releases his hold, letting the cold in as he sits up with a wince and runs a hand through his hopelessly tousled hair. ] Since you're still hell-bent on chasing this heart for your own sordid reputation, we should make it back to the ship and make sure that your brain hasn't been tainted with sentiment. Zoya always did complain about that with me.
[ he grins over his shoulder, swiftly straightening his clothes, then swivels to place both hands tenderly at kaz's right leg, his grip gentle as he runs his fingers along his thigh, disappearing beneath the bend of his knee. ] Did you hurt this in the fall? I'd like to draw the line at carrying you, but I will if I must.
[ a shiver, more good than bad, strikes him as nikolai’s hand holds his neck. kaz can feel reality seeping into this near fantasy. the coldness in his skin, in nikolai’s dead hands — the way the circle of his arms loosen a smidge (necessary, disappointing). it seems as though he isn’t the only one resisting it, with nikolai kissing him for no discernible reason other than to, well, kiss him. why does anyone kiss? because it’s nice. maybe because it communicates what can't be said, too. kaz tips into each one, still eager for the intimacy.
one night is all it would take — he sighs, eyes closing so he doesn’t have to react to whatever face nikolai puts on for his benefit, as he slams that door. it makes sense, given his present, tenuous condition, but it still stings, to have it offered and withdrawn so quickly. as a result, the final kiss takes him by surprise, and he returns it a heartbeat late, arching up until they part. in a second, he smooths his surprised expression into something neutral, if overly content. hitching up on one arm, kaz’s bird-eyed gaze follows nikolai as he sits, noting the wince without acknowledging it. at least nikolai has moved past the interim goal of ridding himself of kaz before the journey’s end.
as kaz replies, he pushes himself fully upright using his good side and pulls up his trousers before starting on the buttons of his shirt. ]
Nazyalensky has fine taste in complaints, [ she dislikes him, and he likes her for it. ] but sentiment has never agreed with me.
[ he snorts, though his gaze lowers to observe nikolai touching his oldest injury. it’s a part of himself he doesn’t consider to be particularly vulnerable, beyond practical considerations, but it feels like jabbing fingers in an open wound, when nikolai applies tenderness there. the question he thought had been answered on the beach one way, then another at the inn, persists: what do you want from me? his blues sharpen on nikolai, regaining their customary focus, and he leans closer. what do you want from the job? ]
If I’d hurt it in the fall, [ one hand refolds nikolai’s collar at the back of his neck, before both cup his face. ] it never would have gotten anywhere near your shoulder. [ kaz kisses him again, sudden and sure. because he can, because nikolai might not let him tomorrow — because he’s a fucking thief, so it’s in his nature to steal what he wants. why does anyone kiss? when he pulls away, there’s something satisfied in the curve of his mouth. he moves swiftly on, buttoning his shirt and adjusting his jacket, retrieving his gloves and flexing his fingers in the unfamiliar white leather. it looks better with a little red.
for the record, he did hurt his leg, just a wee bit, in an inevitable sort of way (rattled by the drop, strained by the walk and everything else). it won’t bother him too much more than his usual and not in a noticeable way, but he’ll retire early tonight. he fixes his hair last, a best effort at slicking it back that ends with it falling at the sides, as if he hadn’t bothered. fine. ]
You can satisfy your heroic urges by helping me up. [ voice flat, he extends his hand, for nikolai to take. ] Then I’ll walk. [ a jerk of his head at their surroundings. ] We should case a portion of this network before we find [ or make. ] an exit.
[ there should be one, lower than where they thought, near the rendezvous point for the whole crew. god knows what tomorrow will bring, after that. ]
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the thought only crystalises into something sayable, when nikolai stills. ]
[ firm, but not harsh. ] There is no place where I grew up with you. [ the crown would have no need of him in the alternate world where he isn’t kaz brekker (or even kaz rietveld), a ravkan boy turned canon fodder. he would have died, absolutely, torn to ribbons on the field like his father or shot on the frontlines. a soft thing from the country, who wouldn’t be half as intelligent, without the motivation and freedom to study everything he needed to survive. or half as closed off. that kaz might have been able to touch others and release the fluttering wants in his throat. might have had a brother a little while longer, too, but none of it matters. it isn’t real. lightly, ] Stay where I am, for a change.
[ no detours into his branching, possible deaths or the countless near-misses across his short life. he’ll no doubt face the darkness one day, when his devil’s luck runs out — when he makes a killing mistake. and what do you call this? nikolai’s claws in his hand, in his shoulder; the teeth at his throat, in life, in a dream. his shoulder smarts from all the movement. a gentleman’s bet. ]
With the me that’s really here, not the boy you imagine. [ caught in the jaws of the monster, bleeding out on a battlefield in ravka, tucked away somewhere safe, asking for things he doesn’t want. ] Then you’d know I decide what I want. [ and nikolai will choose what he gives in return, an exchange like any other. he sighs. ] And that I believe all our losses are self-made. [ even his first, certainly his last. (who else could doom dirtyhands but himself?) every loss flares from a choice, as simple as a decision to care, to go left instead of right into the alley where someone grabs you — luck is a factor, but there are no gods or saints guiding her. a bad hand can still be played with adept strategy, if only in one near-impossible scenario. those are the odds kaz has counted on all his life. ]
Of course you are. [ affection threatens his wrecked but otherwise neutral features, mercifully waylaid by nikolai’s mouth. you’ve been testing my limits since you met me. the thought shocks a hoarse laugh from his chest, breaking the kiss as he pushes his hand through the neck of nikolai’s shirt to tilt his face away — ] You’re insufferable. [ — and then swiftly guide him back, palm cupping his cheek. he tells himself it’s better to leave it there, lest he irritate his injured side. the concurrent rush of praise and touch widens the set of his eyes, and his mouth parts on a low moan. when nikolai looks at him like that, it feels like an unbreakable tether, even as his hands filch the air from his lungs. he won’t last, muscles strung tight.
will you keep touching me? breath quickening, an instinctive fear twists in his chest. deft fingers find their way into nikolai’s trousers, opening them enough to free his cock for a tentative stroke — that stalls when kaz feels him twitch. not bad. a surer pump of his hand. not bad at all. to live in the barrel is to know bodies of all kinds, even without touching them, but he’s never known nikolai’s body, gaze lowering to memorise the flurry of movement between them, to marvel at the searing image of his cock in his bare hand —
suddenly, he lifts said hand away. his cocked brow assures nikolai that this delay differs from the last, allowing kaz to lick a stripe up his palm. eyes intent even through the fog, he squeezes nikolai’s cock again, thumb arcing over the head and then dragging alongside a vein. ]
Like that? [ a tease, a tell. he doesn't know. kaz leverages the palm at nikolai’s cheek to smudge kisses along the underside of his jaw. the way you would touch yourself. an expert twist of the wrist, jacking him steadily. his voice thins, breathless. ] Like this?
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Kaz. [ his name wrapped in a quiet breath. he looks away and then back again just as quickly, a hundred things on his tongue. stay. leave. kiss me. i have to let you go. he swallows them all down, tries to listen to one voice instead of the many pulling him in clashing directions. why did you have to decide that you wanted me? the hand between his legs stills into soft motions, his other hand rising to run the pad of his thumb across the flush standing out on kaz's cheeks. it's warm here, in the space where their breaths mingle, pale skin damp beneath his fingertips. stay where i am. maybe he should learn to take direction. he exhales, his chest falling, wry amusement in the sparkle of his eyes. ] Once and only once will I heed your advice. I'm here, where you are.
[ and he finds he doesn't mind the space. his mouth presses to his in a soft kiss, a gentle promise not to stray from this path. the sound that kaz makes — did he just laugh? — pulls a smile to his lips, followed by a laugh of his own when kaz pushes his face away. ] That's common knowledge, Brekker. I've always been insufferable.
[ his laughs cuts off into a groan as kaz sneaks his way into his trousers, his cock twitching in his fingers from the sudden attention. another first, kaz taking his desires into his own hand. nikolai fixes his gaze keenly on him as he wets his palm with his tongue, a rush of heat spreading up his neck from the sight. he's imagined it countless times, before they ever touched each other this way — kaz fisting his own cock in the darkness of his bed, the quietly rough noises he would make, the shudder of his body beneath his own touch. he blinks and kaz has him in hand again, drawing out a strained moan as his hips cant eagerly for more. ]
Yes. It's good. You're good. [ his hand quivers, fingers loose around kaz's cock. his mouth is like fire against his jaw, and he shifts swiftly to catch him in a disheveled kiss, his tongue pressing past his lips as his head empties, narrowing down to the pulse of heat and wet fingers. kaz's bare fingers, wringing a moan from his throat. skilled, despite never having touched him before. was there really no one? he finds he doesn't want to know if there was.
he can hardly keep pace, but — never being one to shy away from a challenge — he renews his strokes with ruthless vigor, panting against the heat of his mouth. when was the last time anyone touched him like this? he catches his thoughts before they stray, one hand sliding into kaz's hair, his touch decidedly gentle, careful of the cut at his temple. his fingers curl at the nape of his neck, keeping him close. another keening sound from his lips, another shudder as he presses his eyes shut. it's good — better than good, the sweetest ache that sends heat pooling low inside of him, his spine arching in a rush of breath. ]
Wait — wait, not yet. [ his fingers clamp around kaz's wrist, pulling his hand away, and then he's sliding back down between his legs, taking his cock in his mouth once more, tousled blond falling into his eyes. a groan rumbles deep in his throat as he swallows him down as far as he can, desperate to pull another cry out of him, to feel the way pleasure seizes his body. he pulls off with a gasp, his bright eyes hazy with lust. ] Come for me. And then make me come. [ his breath shudders over his glistening cock before he slides it past his lips again, eyes closing as he skims his hand blindly along kaz's side, turning his palm up for him to take if he needs to, or even if he simply wants to. ]
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he kisses the fever in the hollow of nikolai’s throat, anxious for it to spread higher, to stain his tanned skin. a scrape of teeth wills it to do so, before nikolai steers them back into a kiss that makes him groan, lips parting so nikolai can have whatever he wants. even better are the sounds hushed into his ear, crackling down his spine. he swallows as many as he can, but his own hiccuping gasps disrupt his efforts. you’re good dislodges a sharper noise in his throat.
this time, when nikolai takes him in his mouth, kaz jerks and cries out — a sound that reverbs back in the cave, starker than anything up to this point. doesn’t come then and there but it’s a near thing, only thrown off by nikolai abruptly letting him go moments prior. heart thunderous, his thighs spread instinctively to accommodate nikolai again. the wild thought that he belongs there, that everything between his legs is for nikolai, recurs. what does he do with his hands again? kaz refuses to hide his face, but he’s tempted. colour splashed from his cheeks to his chest, his cracked open features alight on nikolai, more debauched than anything he could have imagined previously, with his limited resources. the demand should smart, it does, but it also heats him from the inside out. and there’s the immolation, melting the resistance in his muscles. he nods without meaning to, a quick, repeated motion that’s more desperate than anything he could have said. as soon as nikolai offers his hand, kaz grasps it like he means to haul him to safety or hang on for dear life, fingers curled around his wrist. ]
Nikolai. [ pleading, the emphasis in all the wrong places. he remembers that he can tangle his hand in nikolai’s hair at the exact moment he does it, carding back the waves hiding his glittering hazel eyes. kaz wants to watch more than anything, but he can’t, holding that image in his mind as his eyes screw shut, head tipping back. ] Fuck, Nikolai.
[ his climax rebuilds, quick and intense, voice cracking over another attempt at nikolai’s name. kaz comes hard, sunlight flashing behind his eyelids. a rock of his hips off the ground, into the clutch of nikolai’s mouth, his safe grip. his cock pulses in time with the waves of pleasure crashing over him. he knows that nikolai won’t stop until it seems like too much — and kaz finds he wouldn’t want him too — allowing a whimper to escape his teeth. even when nikolai relents, he struggles to catch his breath, chest visibly working, expression near-awestruck at the sight of nikolai above him.
he adjusts their grip into a proper clasp, tugging their linked hands to draw nikolai up and over him before letting go. hitching up on his elbows, kaz moves the hand in his hair to fist in his shirt, dragging him in for a harsh kiss, so he can taste himself again and suck on nikolai’s tongue. palm flattening against nikolai’s chest, leg hooking around him to grind him close, burning with oversensitivity at the contact but repeating the motion regardless — he knows what that means, what he wants even if he’s never committed it to fantasy. another day, if nikolai will allow him that close again.
an idea jolts the dizzyingly attractive blur of mouth to mouth, skin to skin, into focus. kaz musters the leverage to push nikolai onto his back, more secure in their previous position. his mouth cracks a lop-sided grin, as wild as he was on the beach, when he finally takes nikolai in hand, smearing precome down the length of his cock and working him over with ruthless, precise movements. he slides the tight circle of his fingers down to fondle his balls, to brush the sensitive space behind them. ]
You were so good. Perfect. [ a rush of words, light-headed after his orgasm. he initiates a bitey kiss and resumes jacking his hand, a slick, relentless glide. ] Let go. I'll take care of you.
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let go. his eyes squeeze shut and suddenly he's drifting in the water again. his fingers tighten around something warm — kaz's thigh, gripped so tightly he knows he'll leave bruises. he forces his hand to relax, forces his eyes blearily open to find kaz near, catching him in a kiss made of teeth. i'll take care of you. words he doesn't think he's ever heard before. no one has ever wanted to do that, and it's not something he's ever chased. his hand glides up the length of kaz's spine, nestling in his hair again, dropping a strangled moan into his mouth at kaz's expert touch. ]
Fuck, Brekker. You're — good. [ good hardly suffices. he huffs out a laugh, a shudder working through him. extraordinary hands, good for breaking locks, breaking bones, and apparently everything in-between. good for taking him apart. scorching heat pools inside of him, his hips pushing desperately into kaz's hand. he pulls him down into another kiss, his mouth trembling as his lips part, wanting kaz to devour every part of him until there's nothing else but this. nothing but his hands and his mouth and the taut pleasure spreading through his limbs, jagged lightning bolts streaking through him until he can't hold back anymore. his teeth sink into kaz's bottom lip for one frantic moment before he lets go, spilling hot over his hand with a ragged sigh pulled from his chest.
it feels like falling. or floating. he winds his arm around the curve of kaz's spine, drawing him in close as he presses breathless kisses to his throat, dragging his lips higher to the line of his jaw. his nose nuzzles against the sharp cut of his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut as he catches his breath. it's tempting to fall asleep here, his fatigue suddenly catching up with him, limbs warm and loose and relaxed for the first time in days. his mind feels blessedly empty. ]
I find I no longer care about the heart. [ he mumbles it into kaz's cheek, shifting to settle him gently at his side, taking care of his injured shoulder. he buries his face into his hair, lips brushing his ear, his voice low. ] Unless I can trade it for one night without chains, without that vile tonic, just one night in bed with you.
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Never said I wasn’t. [ just implied that he hadn’t, with anyone else, but his clever hands have helped him manage by his lonesome in the intervening years, to be sure. nevermind that if nikolai hadn’t told him it was as simple as doing it the way he would for himself, kaz wouldn’t have thought of it like that or been able to touch him like this.
as the fog clears in his mind, the rumbling waves return. nikolai anchors him with kiss that kaz makes bruising, a bite that nicks his lip, a full-bodied release that breaks like the sky after a storm. kaz carries him through it, strokes slowing as nikolai softens. he even allows himself to be led closer, eyes shuttering as nikolai presses proof of unrestrained affection into his bones. or maybe it’s not affection. maybe it’s just what people do. he doesn’t know.
he wipes his hand on the ruined furs in the space between them before sliding it back across the still-trembling muscles of nikolai’s stomach, then grasping his waist to drag him close. kaz had been the one to untangle their limbs the first time, in nikolai’s quarters — and the other times, he’d been about to faint in the water, while nikolai had actually fainted on the shore — but he would prefer to stay now, if only for a little while longer (with no promise of this fragile closeness repeating). the mission whirs anew at the back of his mind. nikolai talks like there’s a chance, a flickering hope, and his breath catches. careful. in truth, kaz trusts nikolai with everything except self-preservation. did you ever want the heart? would you take it now, if i gave it to you? but even if nikolai doesn't mean what he says, the words heat kaz's cheeks all the same. he’d card a hand back through his hair, if nikolai hadn’t claimed the spot behind his temple as a resting place. ]
Just the one night? [ eyebrows arching, tone almost wry. he squeezes nikolai’s hip on his good side, blinking back the sensation of the flesh deteriorating under his hand. kaz scoffs. ] That’s a terrible deal. I’d never let you take it. [ irrelevant that he would definitely accept one night in bed with nikolai lantsov in exchange for most things, like the safety of being alone in his skin and away from the dead — or the firm grasp on his intelligence and restraint, which fell out of the crack in his head after nikolai started touching him again. ] I expect you to start negotiations with higher standards, [ another fragment stolen from nikolai, eyes sparking with amusement. ] or you’ll be countered into nothing.
[ easier to say that, just out of reach, than to offer him something accessible, like a day in his bed, though kaz would give him that, too. ]
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where does kaz sleep? the question nips at his mind, a sudden and inconsequential curiosity. he keeps him close, his arm slung low around his waist — a perfect fit — and noses from his hair to his ear to his cheek, a smile pulling at his lips. ]
To think you've been keeping this talent to yourself. [ his hand slides lazily along his wrinkled shirt, tracing his spine all the way to the nape of his neck, hungry to feel every part of him. in time, if they're lucky. he settles at the small of his back, tucking him closer. if kaz hasn't touched anyone else this way, then has he allowed anyone else to hold him this way? surely not. nikolai lets the implications of that wash over him, loosens his hold just slightly if it's too much. seeks out his mouth for a gentle kiss, another to top the pile. he can't seem to stop. it's been so long since he, too, has had anything like this.
just the one night. does he dare to hope for more? even the one can't happen, not really. not the way he wants it to. he wants kaz to touch him again, to show him the things he does to himself in the dark, but he wants more than that. he wants uninterrupted sleep with kaz settled in his arms. never has a nap sounded so glorious. ] Someone very wise must have given you some sage advice on standards. I'm glad to know you were listening.
[ he kisses him again, languidly pressing his tongue into his mouth. they should move. perhaps they could find the others in this tunneled cave, though he's more interested in taking kaz back to the ship to see a healer. he trusts that his crew will find their way, and he knows that kaz won't give up on this mission regardless, so nothing has changed — except for this ever-shifting thing between them, growing stronger by the day. he's begun to think of the end of this job, when kaz sails back to ketterdam and he returns to os alta. what then? is he meant to just forget this? isn't the whole point that kaz becomes more comfortable with touch so that he might live a life more fulfilled with whoever he pleases? maybe when this is over nikolai will pay a long overdue visit to the wraith, clear his mind on one of her slaver hunts. pick her brain on their mutual... is friend the right word? not with the way kaz reacts around her name. ]
One night is all it would take to decorate the ship with your very attractive entrails. [ better to slam the door on that particular fantasy, even if he's once again branching off into alternate presents and fatal futures. his fingers drag along his waist, across his ribcage, pushing up to his heart to feel its rapid beat against his hand. one more probing kiss, slow and deep, before he finally releases his hold, letting the cold in as he sits up with a wince and runs a hand through his hopelessly tousled hair. ] Since you're still hell-bent on chasing this heart for your own sordid reputation, we should make it back to the ship and make sure that your brain hasn't been tainted with sentiment. Zoya always did complain about that with me.
[ he grins over his shoulder, swiftly straightening his clothes, then swivels to place both hands tenderly at kaz's right leg, his grip gentle as he runs his fingers along his thigh, disappearing beneath the bend of his knee. ] Did you hurt this in the fall? I'd like to draw the line at carrying you, but I will if I must.
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one night is all it would take — he sighs, eyes closing so he doesn’t have to react to whatever face nikolai puts on for his benefit, as he slams that door. it makes sense, given his present, tenuous condition, but it still stings, to have it offered and withdrawn so quickly. as a result, the final kiss takes him by surprise, and he returns it a heartbeat late, arching up until they part. in a second, he smooths his surprised expression into something neutral, if overly content. hitching up on one arm, kaz’s bird-eyed gaze follows nikolai as he sits, noting the wince without acknowledging it. at least nikolai has moved past the interim goal of ridding himself of kaz before the journey’s end.
as kaz replies, he pushes himself fully upright using his good side and pulls up his trousers before starting on the buttons of his shirt. ]
Nazyalensky has fine taste in complaints, [ she dislikes him, and he likes her for it. ] but sentiment has never agreed with me.
[ he snorts, though his gaze lowers to observe nikolai touching his oldest injury. it’s a part of himself he doesn’t consider to be particularly vulnerable, beyond practical considerations, but it feels like jabbing fingers in an open wound, when nikolai applies tenderness there. the question he thought had been answered on the beach one way, then another at the inn, persists: what do you want from me? his blues sharpen on nikolai, regaining their customary focus, and he leans closer. what do you want from the job? ]
If I’d hurt it in the fall, [ one hand refolds nikolai’s collar at the back of his neck, before both cup his face. ] it never would have gotten anywhere near your shoulder. [ kaz kisses him again, sudden and sure. because he can, because nikolai might not let him tomorrow — because he’s a fucking thief, so it’s in his nature to steal what he wants. why does anyone kiss? when he pulls away, there’s something satisfied in the curve of his mouth. he moves swiftly on, buttoning his shirt and adjusting his jacket, retrieving his gloves and flexing his fingers in the unfamiliar white leather. it looks better with a little red.
for the record, he did hurt his leg, just a wee bit, in an inevitable sort of way (rattled by the drop, strained by the walk and everything else). it won’t bother him too much more than his usual and not in a noticeable way, but he’ll retire early tonight. he fixes his hair last, a best effort at slicking it back that ends with it falling at the sides, as if he hadn’t bothered. fine. ]
You can satisfy your heroic urges by helping me up. [ voice flat, he extends his hand, for nikolai to take. ] Then I’ll walk. [ a jerk of his head at their surroundings. ] We should case a portion of this network before we find [ or make. ] an exit.
[ there should be one, lower than where they thought, near the rendezvous point for the whole crew. god knows what tomorrow will bring, after that. ]