[ it's a picture he hasn't seen in a long while — kaz in his natural habitat, tidy and reserved, buttons done up, bow-tie sealing off any glimpses of skin. his eyes gravitate toward his bare hands, lovely as ever, and he considers striding over and ruffling his immaculate hair. kaz might lop his hand off at the wrist. better not to take the risk. he reaches into his teal coat and pulls out the letter, tossing it onto the desk and then shaking out his lacy cuffs as if ridding himself of something undesirable. he hadn't bothered to set the seal back on straight. doesn't care that kaz knows he read it. ]
I haven't lost anything. I found a table of people downstairs who are quite big fans of me, and I bought them all a round on the house. They're even more impressed I know you so personally. They thank you for your generosity, by the way. They also looked rather shell-shocked, like they'd never heard the words "on the house" before. The place looks even bigger than the last time I was here, Brekker. I swear you're conning these people out of their coin. [ he winks, strolling through the room to give kaz a chance to read zoya's fabrications in peace. at least she hadn't mentioned how he's keeping the monster sated. easy enough to hide that from kaz. it's not as if he makes a habit of traipsing around the woods on that leg.
he answers mildly, his interest shifting to the shelves, to the desk, to the walls. little glimpses into kaz's life that he's missed. ] I'm whatever the highest bidder wants me to be. [ finally, the dekappel in the flesh. still curious why a farmhouse scene compels kaz so. the seaside painting catches his interest, a gentle smile curling at the corner of his mouth. he's surprised to see the little wire bird, having forgotten all about it. feels like a lifetime ago that kaz was bleeding out on his ship, barely able to stand his touch. hard to believe that somehow that was a simpler time.
he turns away, regret tugging at his chest. he runs his white leather gloves along kaz's things, rummaging with a desk drawer here and there, stacking the books haphazardly on the floor so he can drag the chair loudly across the room. seems to forget about it as soon as he does, his eyes falling on a familiar piece of velvet, flicking it open to find the kaleidoscope nestled inside — a hearty scratch on one side. he lifts it to the meager light and hears the telltale clink of glass, finding the silver dented. ]
Did you drop this? [ he clucks his tongue, looking through the glass. ] One of the mirrors on the inside is broken. You might consider being more careful with your things. [ slipping the kaleidoscope into the inside pocket of his coat, he finishes bringing the chair over, plopping down before kaz's desk and swiping the cards, absently shuffling them in his hands. he regards zoya's letter with a raised brow, then his face lights up, pushing the cards into a slippery stack on the other side of the desk and reaching into his coat again, setting down another envelope. ] Wylan's design. I think I've puzzled it out. There are three different sketches placed in order of probability of success. One of them is guaranteed to work.
[ he sits back again, his stomach lurching when he realizes he's run out of things to say. or at least things he's willing to say. all that's left is business, and he doesn't want to make his next request, because then it all becomes real. that he's here. that he can't go back home until zoya gives him word. that for all he's done, he's ended up in what feels like exile in his eyes anyway. and he wants to be happy to see kaz, he wants to give in to the massive pull in his chest that yearns to draw closer to him because all he's done since the moment they parted is hurt and hurt and hurt, but he doesn't know if that bridge even exists anymore. doesn't know if he burned it first or if kaz turned around and burned it on his way out.
rising abruptly, goes to the only window in the room, parting the curtains and kneeling against the generous ledge as he opens up the latch. didn't they talk about this? watching a ketterdam sunrise from here? so many promises, so many dreams. none of them real. a cool gust of air wafts into the room. he can see the harbor from here, ships docked at the port, the rolling waves of the gray sea. something clenches inside of him. homesickness, maybe. as daft as they come. he's only just gotten here, and it isn't as if he's wanted back home. not really.
he settles on the ledge, his back to one side of the sill. the dwindling light picks up the copper tint in his hair, the murky green of his eyes. ] You know I lived in Ketterdam for a time? I went to school here. The University District is not nearly as exciting as the Barrel. It's why I paid someone to take my place and finish my studies for me.
[ of all the places to perch in this room, nikolai chooses inej’s spot on the windowsill. just looking at him scrapes the inside of his ribs. framed by the fading light, a face that’s both nikolai and not, something mournful in the tilt of his smile. on account of his exile for bad behavior, no doubt, after all his work at atonement. why? suddenly here, bouncing around his room like trick dice on the table. nervous, in his way.
he unrolls the letter, pausing only to scowl at nikolai upon hearing the words on the house. can’t help but scoff, either at zoya’s request itself or the idea of nikolai working for the highest bidder. ]
And if I offered you this — [ zoya’s payment for babysitting, held aloft between two sure fingers. ] — to return to Ravka? [ a beat. his attention abruptly swivels to the door. ] Dmitri!
[ half-dressed for the same event as kaz (bow-tie wonky, cuff links missing), the heartrender he poached from ravkan service comes running, like he expects there to be trouble or to be in trouble himself. definitely doesn’t anticipate his old sort-of leader facing his new one — which is probably why he only manages to ask, boss? as he leans through the crack in the door. kaz places the cheque on his desk and slides it to the other side before waving his hand to usher him inside. ] Split this between yourself and Milena equally. [ dmitri’s trepidatious approach picks up speed, while kaz jots something on his paper. ] For last week’s affair. Fine work. [ loosing a whistle over the number and royal hand that wrote it, dmnitri’s entire face brightens as he accepts the praise (and ostensible bonus). ] Tonight’s schedule remains unchanged. [ shrugging off his coat, kaz stands and reaches out to pull dmitri’s terrible bow-tie loose with a swift flourish. a jerk of his head at the door follows. ] Have someone tie that properly. [ his nose wrinkles. ] Rotty has cufflinks, but they’re not real silver, so don’t let him overcharge you. [ a shooing motion dismisses him, and the usual yes, boss of the gang sounds in return. can't work for kaz brekker without thick skin, after all.
waiting for the door to click shut again, kaz collects his papers from the day and straightens the stack. he ignores the remark about the kaleidoscope, watching nikolai pocket it out of the corner of his eye. his chest pangs. is he taking it away? kaz grabs his cane and rounds the desk, lurking closer to the windowsill. ]
You and Jesper are rather alike in that regard. [ his mouth twitches. ] And most others. [ leaving the university for adventure elsewhere, traipsing about his room unfraid, insisting on befriending him despite his talons and teeth.
he reaches over nikolai to tug the window closed and stop the damn draft. from there, he leans against the opposite border of the frame, standing in an effort not to wrinkle the tails of his tuxedo. if he sat down, if he stepped forward — they could touch again. saints, it’s harder to be close and still out of reach. he tips his head back, grounded by the cool wood, and looks down at nikolai through his lashes. ]
I won’t keep you against your will. If you want to sail back to Ravka, I'll make a show of throwing you out, and the Wraith will carry you there. [ clearing his throat. ] If you wish to obey your queen and stay, you can have a room at the slat for the going rate and earn your keep, like everyone else. No need to mark you. [ with the crow and cup tattoo that all members of the dregs share. ] You’ve had enough of that.
[ a frank statement, without pity. his gaze flickers to nikolai’s gloved hands, wishing he could unwrap them and trace where the scorch marks fade into freckled skin. would he find the sapphire ring underneath? ]
If you want to know what I think — [ kaz stops. why would he? even if nikolai decided to send him away, he’s the one who left. ] Stay.
[ it’s almost charming to see kaz like this, regarded as boss, his underlings scurrying to his beck and call. there’s a certain care in how he treats them, though bringing attention to it would likely earn nikolai a look scathing enough to melt his tailored face off. nikolai gives a startled dimitri a wink, letting the boy puzzle out for himself why he looks so familiar. this is nearly a family, maybe the thing nikolai has been searching for himself. a place to belong, at least, ruthless though it may be. he puts on an exaggerated frown when kaz draws the window closed. ]
Where are you off to tonight? [ arches a brow at his tuxedo. he fills it out nicely with his lean lines of muscle, a tidy fit. easier to think about this than everything else he’s just said. going back to ravka isn’t an option, something he doesn’t want to utter aloud. just thinking of zoya sends a flurry of bruised anger fluttering deep in his gut. he would never have done this to her. he would have found a way to keep her close to him even if it meant shackling her in the royal dungeons. but zoya is not prone to sentiment or stupidity in the way he is, and is therefore capable of making the decisions that need to be made. kaz can make a show of throwing him out, and all it will accomplish is an assignment elsewhere, somewhere he’ll be out of the way. he could join his parents in the southern colonies and show them just how wonderfully his life turned out, one reckless decision after another. no crown, no home, no family to speak of. his father might be pleased. he’d like to think his mother wouldn’t find comfort in his misery.
a sudden laugh rumbles in his chest. ] I’m not staying at the slat. You’ve far too many rules, and rules make life tedious. [ there’s nothing particularly wrong with the slat, except there are too many eyes and ears there, and the last thing he needs is for kaz or anyone else to uncover the casual horrors he’s presently living with. he might’ve accepted an invitation to stay in kaz’s personal quarters, a place he assumes is as private as any guarded vault in the palace. but that invitation doesn’t come. it doesn’t occur to him until this very moment that maybe he’s not particularly wanted here, either. his smile grows sharper. no sense in prolonging the inevitable. ]
I need you to find a place I can run a lab from. There was an unfortunate accident at the old one. [ ”””accident””” ] Somewhere near water. And near trees. A forest. Private. I won’t be entertaining guests there. I will be throwing legendary parties, however, and I feel like the Crow Club really suits Sturmhond’s fancy these days. I think I might make it my base of operations when I’m not working. You’re welcome for the inevitable uptick in business, by the way. People will show up just for a glimpse of me. Maybe you will, too. Do you need a date tonight? Is this a party? Is this a criminal endeavor?
[ he gauges the meager space separating them, his mind stuck on the word stay. he says it so easily, so readily. something nikolai should have said more often, in less desperate ways. it feels bittersweet now, that he would finally be asked when he has little choice but to do anything else. but kaz isn’t really asking anything. earn his keep, like everyone else? as if he’s everyone else. as if anyone else could reach out the way he does now, one gloved hand reaching for kaz’s bare one, testing the moment, testing what sort of reaction he might get in exchange for curling his fingers around his and pulling him a step closer. that’s all it takes for their knees to slide together. nikolai’s hand disappears into kaz’s coat, flicking open the buttons of his dinner jacket so he can trace the line of his hip through his shirt. he leans closer, resting his chin lightly against his chest as he smiles up at him. ]
This window has all sorts of uses, you know. I can think of several things it could be good for. Letting in some air, which you are clearly against. Jumping — [ the fox’s grin, even as he feels the monster give a sudden stir at the way his thoughts spiral unnecessarily. ] — to a nice, safe ledge, calm down, or — [ his fingers press gently to the curve of his spine, mapping out ridges of bone. do you want to be rid of me like everyone else? ] Let me show you what I have in mind. Or are you in a hurry to rush away from me?
[ when nikolai first asks where he’s headed, kaz gives a little tilt of his head at the door. out. doesn’t miss the way nikolai looks him over. curiosity or the other thing? the one distinction he struggles to parse, likely due to his willful avoidance of that aspect of his person until recently. ]
Hm. [ acknowledgement of the request for specific accommodation. not yet agreement. his mind strays to the drawings tucked safely by his bed. had nikolai sent them knowing he’d need to rebuild here in ketterdam? not keen on the idea of a ravkan laboratory in his territory any more than encroachment from the other nations, but better to know about it, to never again be on the backfoot when danger advances on his crew or blackmailed into service to the crown.
and how will a lonely privateer afford this? no need to ask when he already knows the answer, mentally flicking through the deck of available properties that fit nikolai’s description. expensive places, on the whole, desirable for solitude without sacrificing a closeness to ketterdam. alcoves in the outskirts beyond the geldstraat, like where pekka rollins and his son reside. he’ll have to pay under the same name that holds the farm to avoid unwanted attention. wealthy recluses attract less notice than gangsters, after all. it doesn’t solve the matter of where he’ll stay tonight or tomorrow. (another answer, hovering just left of what he’s willing to say without adequate time to read the terrain: your rooms, your bed. maybe.) ]
Is that the only way I’ll see you in my city? [ in glimpses, like at the palace. he finds he likes that thought even less now. nikolai answers him with touch, and kaz fights the instinctive tension in his back. though he’s practiced more during this parting than the last, he can’t yet override his fear response. it’s the same, slow willful unlocking as always. still doesn’t let anyone else touch him like this. who else is there to touch?
when nikolai settles against his chest and smiles, kaz knows he can feel the hitch in his breath in turn. no sense in holding back the overt signs of his affection, then, combing a hand through nikolai’s hair and cupping the back of his skull. at the thought of nikolai jumping — or perhaps the teasing scale of his spine, his pulse skitters.
are you in a hurry to rush away from me? is a fair shot, after he left without word. anyone else would apologise or explain, but his tongue simply presses against his teeth. he brings his other hand to nikolai’s face, thumb caressing his cheek. suddenly, something clicks. ]
[ with teasing warmth, ] My darling Nikolai, star of my sky, are you asking to be my date? [ caught between amusement and surprise, mouth quirking on either side. he lets himself consider how much more he’d enjoy any party in nikolai’s company. a heartsick fool’s fantasy. nikolai is an unstable variable, not to be trusted — but then he wouldn’t have to be, for this to work. ]
[ eyes sparking with interest, ] Show me. [ it’s not a trap if he goes willingly, if he knows exactly where the pinch point is that might wrench his limbs. he brushes the corner of nikolai’s mouth before lifting his hand away, making a show of checking his pocket watch. ] How long you have depends on the quality of your idea.
Does the whole city belong to you now? [ a positive reaction, overall, with kaz warming slowly to him, as he always does. both brave enough to jump, but only one of them has the sense to look before he does. the hand in his hair sends a shiver of longing down his spine — longing for more than just a touch. no way to explain what he means. kaz's thumb brushing his cheek nearly makes him confess how much he's missed him, how he doesn't think he can weather any more storms on his own. ] Sturmhond has expensive tastes, so he prefers the fine dining around the Geldstraat, actually. I personally like the quaintness of Little Ravka, and I've been curious to see if they've started selling little monsters in my likeness yet.
[ it's not quite sainthood, but at least now he can compete with alina's finger bones. kaz's eyes are alight with his little joke — star of my sky, how long has he been sitting on that one — but nikolai doesn't miss the flash of surprise that he would be asked such a thing. has anyone ever dared to present such an inquiry to the bastard of the barrel? kaz certainly doesn't make himself approachable, what with the lack of adequate seating in his office. ]
I'm not asking. I'm offering. There's a difference. [ kaz's nimble fingers are too quick for him to press a kiss to, though the barest brush to the corner of his mouth is more than enough invitation. his hand sneaks between his legs, palming him gently while he maneuvers him back a step, bracing him against the sill. ] Have you missed me and all my grand ideas, Brekker? I know you'll be as cross as a wet cat if I ruin these fine clothes of yours, so I have no choice but to undress you a bit.
[ kaz's belt comes loose as he talks, trousers opening. nikolai pulls one glove off with his teeth, warm fingers dipping into his fly, the barest brush of skin against skin. his gaze flickers up, allowing him a moment while his fingertips slowly graze the velvety softness of his cock. has there been anyone else? it's the question always on the tip of his tongue after their long absences. doesn't know what he wants the answer to be. kaz's overcoat hides his cock from the window, but doesn't mask nikolai's burnished hair dipping low to lick a stripe along his length, his gloved hand gripping kaz's hip and drawing him closer. ]
This is the sort of power you've been missing, you know. [ he hasn't forgotten what kaz said about barrel bosses and their lovers, secreted away. he never wanted to give kaz that sort of weakness. this is walking a fine line already, too much too soon to anyone who doesn't know how long they've waited, but they're both well versed in the language of manipulation. his lips drag along kaz's cock as he slides it into his mouth, sucking gently as he feels him harden, his hand snaking out to slowly edge the window open again. kaz is different here in his own city, more assured, more purposeful. if nikolai can find a way to be needed again, then maybe things won't end up the way they always have. it won't be so easy to toss him aside or leave him behind. ] Command me. Let them see.
Every wretched corner of it. [ an automatic, prideful counter. ketterdam was his even before the dregs came under his command, expanding their territory beyond fifth harbour. maybe since he emerged from the reaper's barge, humanity lost in undertow. he tips against the sill, obliging nikolai’s whims like always. first grasps his shoulder, steadying as those blackened hands find his cock, and inhales slowly, blowing out a breath. no preamble like the last time, with nikolai either eager to have him after another absence or to prove something after arriving an exiled beggar, not a king.
oh, it’s an offer now, is it — kaz laughs, harsh yet genuine. an offer to what, exactly, damage his reputation as an untouchable thing? risk exposure of his most vulnerable flesh to a hundred knives? at least no one will dare guess that nikolai is precious, for a time. his enemies never suspected he cared for inej and jesper until he lost control. a mistake he won’t repeat. ]
So you want me to ask you. [ mouth stuck in a near-smile as he rucks up his dress shirt, doing his best to clear the fine fabric without wrinkling it and sort of managing. ] I see. [ teasing doubled in part to avoid answering the question that chases his bargain, though the thrill at nikolai desiring him is real. of course kaz missed him, no less wanting for having been the fool who left willingly. this is power of a kind, though never the sort he craved. it begets weakness. the taking itself requires giving, a hemorrhagic wound that flows both ways. he bites his tongue. it already felt dangerous to have someone breakable (someone broken in ways he can’t fix) look for comfort and affection in the depths of his eyes, when there’s so little of that — of him — left.
better not to think on that, a feat made easier by nikolai’s touch. a firebrand, even in the teasing, igniting all the wants he keeps locked away. the breeze that sneaks inside smells like salt (the harbour, death, nikolai) and gunpowder (jesper, death, nikolai). when nikolai takes him in his mouth, kaz hisses. the bend of his back heightens, arching forward a little. ]
Do you want to be looked at? [ a sideways slant of his eyes out the cracked window. it’s a risk, tabulated quickly in his mind. if anyone sees, it’ll be his crows. something for them to whisper about at the table. another rumour added to the churn. his gaze ticks back to nikolai, mouth faintly quirked. ] Or do you want them [ the partygoers, the city ] to know I look at you — and no one else? [ rhetorical. one hand fits against his neck, stroking circles where copper hair meets soft skin. a thoughtful sound almost masks an admission of satisfaction. ]
I’ve found you don’t respond well to orders, Nikolai. [ old reminders echo in his cavernous mind: nikolai, not just anyone. living, not decaying. ] But you do like to be useful — and not just decorative — don’t you? [ making trouble and devising solutions in equal measure, pursuing the throne as a second son, born to do nothing. his mouth snags high enough on one side to flash his canines. a key change, to suit nikolai’s request. kaz curls a hand in the back of his hair and pushes him down. ] Make yourself useful. [ content to ease into the lead, for a moment, kicking up his hips into a sure rhythm, savouring the wet heat of nikolai's waiting mouth. so much to take after weeks without him, still not enough. should have kissed him by the window before all this. a promise nearly fulfilled. ]
[ sharply, then — ] Eyes open, stay here. [ no drifting this time. even if sturmhond is different from nikolai, kaz finds the same parts of him mesmerising. all sun-kissed freckles, cleaved by a crooked nose, lips stretched and reddened. his other hand chases the curve of nikolai’s shoulder, slipping up his arm until he can press nikolai’s bare hand into his hip, deftly checking for the gifted ring. ] You’re the one I want to see.
Edited (pls do not perceive ) 2021-12-10 21:18 (UTC)
[ there's a moment he's unsure how kaz might respond to this. a knee to the face wouldn't surprise him, but it doesn't come. instead kaz bends to his will, gives him exactly what he wants — what he wants, too, if the rock of his hips is anything to go by, the whistle of breath between his teeth. can't quite believe kaz is doing this so enthusiastically, as if he really has missed him despite how they parted ways.
it's the second one, of course the second one — to know that kaz is the one looking at him, only him. nikolai has been scrutinized his entire life, admired and adored, perhaps even loved in some form, but the sum of it has gotten him nowhere. he let his country down, let his queen — his friend — down. kaz is the only one looking at him now, the only one who might still see some value in him, and while he knows he doesn't respond well to orders, there's a balance to this that kaz will be able to strike. being useful. being wanted. being asked for things that he knows they both want. his eyes shutter when kaz's sure hand guides him down — shoves, really, but he's never taken like this before, never been quite so greedy with his desires. maybe some of it is for show, but his muscles tighten and his voice grows rougher all the same. all telling.
eyes open. he complies slowly, lashes fluttering, gaze flickering up to catch a glimpse of kaz looking more debauched than he has any business being. stay here is a harder request, his thoughts already straying, but something in the way kaz's fingers wander over his grounds him, slipping over bands and gems, his sapphire nestled safely among the rest of sturmhond's gaudy jewelry. he pushes forward, sliding his cock deep into his mouth, hard enough to feel the prickle of heat in the corners of his eyes. before kaz can pull his hand away he snags his fingers, tangling them together beneath the folds of his coat, braced against his hip. some of this can be just for them.
his cock touches the back of his throat. he keeps their gaze locked, nudging forward, watching kaz hungrily as he chokes him down, heat flushing his cheeks. again. his tongue swirls around him, head bobbing as he works him relentlessly, hooking one hand against the bend of his knee and pulling sharply, forcing him down against the ledge of the window. he breaks eye contact only so he can bury his face between his legs, hand presses to his thigh to keep it open, long, wet drags of his mouth. he briefly considers letting kaz come all over himself just to keep him here longer — hasn't told him where he's going, hasn't asked nikolai to join him, hasn't even offered him a real place to stay — but he shuts his eyes and lets kaz flood his mouth, a desperate moan as he swallows him down and breathlessly licks him clean.
he looks up with glassy eyes, licking his reddened lips as he catches his breath. he'll sleep on his ship. damn well won't beg to see his bed even if he wants to, even if he thinks a part of him might enjoy it. he at least should be drunk for it. he reaches out with an obstinate hand and pushes the window wider, lets the cool air waft over kaz's damp cock. ]
How do you feel about dogs? I'm thinking of getting a dog again. Why haven't you offered me a drink, Brekker? Is it because I'm a lowly privateer and not a king? You truly have no decorum to speak of. [ he drags a finger down the line of his cock, rubbing softly at the wet tip. ] I like when you take from me. I like having something worth giving you.
[ heat in his stomach, blazing hot up his spine, lighting his cheeks and countering the breeze. the open window — kaz reminds himself that only nikolai can see him now (maybe he’s the only one who ever can, as of late). can feel it in the shiver that jerks his hips flush as nikolai swallows his cock. he asked nikolai to look and so he returns the stare, lidded eyes drawn low. revealing all the same. a fair deal to hold his gaze, eyes green as emeralds, spring fields, bone lights in the true dark. this close, it’s less about the shifted lines of his face and more the distinct energy which characterises nikolai’s movements. never still, stretching his jaw until it aches. frenetic to an even greater degree than usual.
hard to identify his ring among the garish collection, but kaz reckons he manages it, dragging a finger over the ridge of nikolai’s knuckle below the familiar cut of the gem, then allowing himself to be caught. i’m done holding your hand rings hollower from a distance. something nikolai thinks he himself doesn’t deserve, not that he wished to stop giving. a spate of affection, buoyed by the confidence that comes from his position in ketterdam.
for the first time, they’re in his domain. he holds nikolai down until his lashes glisten in the setting sun. between his thudding heart and panting breaths, nikolai must know — but he doesn’t — he always doubts — kaz throws his head back, groan torn from his throat by nikolai’s relentless tongue. didn’t imagine the reverb in nikolai’s chest, either, a wanton moan that makes his softening cock twitch. he lets his mouth grin sharklike as nikolai dives into chatter, looking wonderfully debased and unsatisfied.
i like having something worth giving you, he knew. i like when you take, he didn’t. should have, granted, when that’s all he does. if it wasn’t liked — well. they’d hardly be suited to each other. and they are well-matched, aren’t they? kaz levers his good leg to sit comfortably on the sill. considers tidying himself up and leaving it at that, the empty exchange that nikolai hoped it would be early on their partnership. nikolai’s touch distracts him on cue, his breath catching. ]
I prefer dogs to most company. [ said wryly, as one hand fists in nikolai’s hair to drag him up by the scruff and the other, still linked, yanks nikolai into his lap for a change, only untangling their fingers to grip his waist. a weight he feared the first time, the living body as heavy as the dead, and manages now. not as overwhelming as nikolai covering him and pushing inside him, after all. kaz winds nikolai close as he mouths up his throat and nips a mark in the spot nikolai likes so much on him. ] You wouldn’t like me decorous. [ though he might witness the saccharine politeness that bootlicking requires later. just good business. no trace of it now in a stolen kiss, the greedy press of his tongue working in tandem with the strong hands that peel his coat off his shoulders to skate down his back. ]
Will you be my date tonight, Nikolai? [ rasped like any other proposition. ] I’m only attending for business, I’ll despise everyone there but you — which I’m sure you’ll enjoy — and I’ll bring you the best brandy a merch can buy. [ kaz noses along his cheekbone, trailing kisses to the shell of his ear. one hand quickly opens his fly and wraps his fingers around his cock. ] And will you stay after? [ fear daggers into his back. is this how nikolai feels, after being made to ask for his tender wants? ] In my bed. Until I’ve found you somewhere better. [ it’s not forever, never is. nikolai wants him now, maybe needs him now, but he’ll leave once he’s had his fill — once he’s had enough. they always do. ] Fit for a privateer king.
[ kaz can gift him this until then, if he’ll have it. he tips back enough to glimpse nikolai’s face, watching his features for signs that he’s steered them down the wrong alley. even if he has, he can’t help himself — ] Everything you have is worth taking.
[ he's not expecting more, not in such wide open view, not when kaz has a reputation to maintain — but perhaps that's part of the draw of taking a city by force. he can do these things. it's not as if this is a declaration of two lovers, the thing nikolai wants to steer clear of to avoid giving kaz's enemies a weapon to use against him. he didn't come here to get caught in the crossfire of ketterdam's gang wars. but when kaz pulls him closer than he anticipated, his mouth roaming along his throat to press to the thrum of his pulse, it puts a crack in his plan to remain glib and unaffected by all of this.
his eyes flutter open briefly at the request, another surprise. can't answer because they're kissing now, igniting a perilous need that nikolai desperately needs to throw dirt on. his breath stutters when kaz's fingers wrap firmly around his cock, his hips pushing into his touch as he sheds his remaining glove so he can sneak his fingers beneath kaz’s rucked up shirt, grazing lines of muscle. his teal coat falls down his shoulders when kaz pushes it away, revealing a frilly white shirt of a fabric far too fine for an average pirate, a collection of gold around his neck. kaz’s lips travel across his cheek, warm breath at his ear, the granite rasp of his voice sending a shudder through him. in my bed. finally. heat flushes his face, his cock twitching in his grip. ]
I suppose I have no other obligations tonight. [ spine arching, he brings a hand up to slide through kaz’s neat hair, watching stray locks fall loose beneath his careless touch. everything you have is worth taking. a breathless scoff, his eyes trailing to the window. doesn’t know if it’s true, doesn’t know if it’s good or terrible to hear it. his mind is stuck on kaz’s bed anyway, on the thought of being in it, touching kaz in it. a place he must have believed would only ever occupy one person. the dwindling light casts a fiery glow across kaz’s pale skin. a kiss in the ketterdam sunset. nikolai steals another, the desperate slide of their mouths, a soft groan rising in his throat. his hips urge closer, fingers gripping the sill behind kaz’s head as he pushes into kaz’s hand, wanting more, needing it in a way he’s kept buried but now is being steadily unearthed by the rapid unraveling of his life. ]
Yes. [ breathless agreement for all kaz offers. the magnitude that any of it is being offered at all isn’t lost on him. ] Yes, I’ll go. As your date. To your bed. Anywhere. I want — [ everything, all of it. so much that there’s no way anyone can fill the gaping emptiness inside of him left by the loss of his country. he thinks of the guest suite in the palace, how empty it had been, no trace that kaz had ever set foot inside. it stings even now, makes his grip tighten on his shirt, his teeth scraping along the side of kaz’s throat as he hisses in a quivering breath. ] I want you. [ his thighs tighten, throat bobbing as he swallows down a whimper. ] Have you ever… [ of course he hasn’t. another rush of breath, eyes pressing shut. ] I want you to fuck me, Brekker. In your bed. Tonight, or — any night, it doesn’t… doesn’t matter, I just — need you. I need you.
[ his mind grinds to a halt. how is he meant to share his bed, when his nightmares have only gotten worse, when he can’t sleep without binding himself — what is he asking for, what is he agreeing to? his hips jerk into kaz’s hand, pleasure cutting into him, drowning out the sudden noise in his head, the panic that wants to surface. a muffled gasp escapes his lips as he ruts helplessly against him, a whine in his throat, his blackened fingers clenching tighter at the window. he should move back, make an attempt at propriety, but nothing could make him want to leave the circle of kaz’s arms, a rush of heat rising to meet him. the wood splinters suddenly beneath his grip when he comes, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.
his hand slides away from the sill, his taut muscles growing slack as shivers dance over his skin. leans in for a breathless kiss, blood smearing across kaz’s mouth, then rests their foreheads together, panting softly. he flexes his hand down at kaz’s side, sharp fingertips slowly disappearing. ]
You need a tailor in your employ. [ as if it’s a simple matter to find a good tailor. none would compare to genya anyway. ] Sturmhond doesn’t mind a rugged appearance, but Nikolai prefers a more polished look. I’m parched, Brekker. I’m ready for a rambunctious party and my fine brandy.
[ nikolai follows his momentum, just as kaz did for him. give and take. alignment. the rock of his hips into the clutch of his hand, breath hitching and hands wandering. it feels dangerously good to give nikolai what he wanted — perhaps what he needed, when he seems incapable of passive, tempered wanting. he huffs a breath as nikolai musses his tidy hair, expected and no less warming for it. nikolai likes to make a mess of him, and he invited it by tugging him close. (maybe he likes it, too.) the only disruptive force tolerated in his life. a soft sound falls from his lips as nikolai says yes. yes to something that’s happening imminently, that can’t burn in the sunlight, even if it still might fracture in the hours that trail this closeness. want you, need you — desperation that nikolai tries to keep in hand and fails. it’s exquisite, everything from the way his thighs tighten — like they might tonight, with kaz taking him apart and reassembling his shaky pieces. even though it’s not the first time for nikolai, it matters to be wanted, trusted, incited into intimacies where nikolai, too, faces terrors. ]
You have me. [ instinctive assurance, the sort of nonsense he never offers anyone, but nikolai, just by being here, pries open the rusted hatch in his skull and excavates tenderness. ] Anything you want. [ of a pair with anywhere, though perhaps more true. ] Want that — you just as much. Tonight. Every night. [ stupid to say that when nikolai clearly wants a space of his own. can’t be helped. would offer anything to the nikolai that rattles apart in his arms now. heart racing, stomach fluttering, confessions fizzing behind his teeth. another thing he wanted and didn’t have to ask for because nikolai left a trail of stones to follow. nikolai in his city, in his bed, the stuff of fantasies flitting into his grasp. too fragile for someone like him to keep hold.
still, kaz must have held him above water better than the last time, with nikolai chasing more kisses and huddling close — instead of turning away, regrets on his tongue. kaz bumps their noses before tipping his head against the sill, a half-smile stuck in place before he can stop it. something macabre in the way his tongue darts out to swipe the blood smudged at his mouth. after wiping his hand on nikolai’s fine silk shirt, he plucks the pocket square from his suit jacket with a flourish. ]
You know some messes can be cleaned by hand. [ kaz cradles nikolai’s jaw and gently thumbs the fabric over his red mouth. ] But I happen to have a fine tailor already — Milena will meet us in wardrobe. [ at the hidden entrance to the opera house, since they’ll both be changing. there’s a wet stain on kaz’s thigh from nikolai coming in a rush. he closes his hand, lined with fabric, around nikolai’s cock and squeezes before carefully cleaning him up (to the best of his ability). ] And then you’ll have your party.
[ his gaze flickers over nikolai’s features. quieter then, ] Do you really want to — tonight?
I wonder if your tailor is of royal merit. I have high standards, you know. [ a shaky smile as kaz cleans him up with a care he finds he's unused to being turned on him like this. their moments of intimacy are deep enough to cut through flesh and bone, but few and far between. hard to believe he can still count on one hand the amount of times he's been allowed to share a bed with kaz. maybe again, tonight. maybe not. the stars never seem to want to align in their favor.
briefly, he meets kaz's eyes at the question. is there uncertainty there? kaz is harder to read than the archaic poetry tolya pores over. ] I think the question is if you want to. I'm a bit past want at this point. Have you thought of it before? I have in depth, but you guard your thoughts in a way that I don't.
[ there's a part of him that wants to pull the window closed, to draw the curtains shut, to bury himself against kaz and let him feel just how much he needs him. kaz opened a wound when he spirited off into the night without saying a word, a wound that nikolai hasn't known how to close all this time when in the end it was his fault that he left, so he soldiered on like always, and now he can't anymore with the threshold of loss pushing against him like a crumbling cave. to be angry about what kaz did is easier than thinking of everything else that hurts so much more, of zoya and ravka and his people. at least kaz is here now. he doesn't know when zoya will call him home, if she ever will.
the dreary sky has finally settled into the darkness of night, nikolai's gaze moving from kaz toward the city. it looks different like this, somehow more alive, a certain beauty that ketterdam lacks in the daylight. he's never stopped to notice before, never even thought to look. always other things on his mind. even now, kaz's quiet voice plays on a loop, an easy thread to latch onto, only it's anything but. eventually, kaz will ask him why he's here, why he won't go back when he did everything right, atoned in the best way he could. maybe tonight. maybe a month from now. if there's one thing kaz is good at, it's biding his time. burning down lazlayon is hardly a reason to get him neatly punted out of his own country, and kaz only tolerates unknown variables for so long.
he looks back, puts on a sly smile as he deftly fits his gloves back on. with a sweep of his fingers he draws kaz in by his collar, pressing a firm kiss to his mouth, tonguing away the smear of blood left behind. he sneaks a kiss to his cheek before pulling back, the soft leather of his gloves gliding over kaz's knuckles where he gently holds his hand. ]
It doesn't have to be tonight. It can be when you want. I'm — [ his smile falters, but he squeezes kaz's hand, lifting it higher to press his lips to the back of his knuckles. ] I'm here now, mostly at your service but sometimes at my own. My ship sets sail to Os Alta two days from now, and my crew will be running her back and forth to smuggle your Grisha refugees back home.
[ he stands, straightening his trousers and shrugging his coat back on, patting the kaleidoscope to make sure it's still safely inside. if they stay here any longer he'll be in danger of spilling secrets he'd rather keep hidden. best to keep moving. ]
To Milena, then. And to my brandy. You can tell me why we're attending this function on the way as well, since I'm sure you've never gone anywhere solely for fun in your life. You're dressed for an opera or a ballet or some other equally terrible performance, and I'll have you know that passively consuming information is not a strong suit of mine. Speaking of fun, I've decided I will be having a yacht party to commemorate my presence here in Ketterdam. You are, of course, expected to attend to make sure that I don't accidentally blow my brains out when the sea shanties begin. Shall we go?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I haven't lost anything. I found a table of people downstairs who are quite big fans of me, and I bought them all a round on the house. They're even more impressed I know you so personally. They thank you for your generosity, by the way. They also looked rather shell-shocked, like they'd never heard the words "on the house" before. The place looks even bigger than the last time I was here, Brekker. I swear you're conning these people out of their coin. [ he winks, strolling through the room to give kaz a chance to read zoya's fabrications in peace. at least she hadn't mentioned how he's keeping the monster sated. easy enough to hide that from kaz. it's not as if he makes a habit of traipsing around the woods on that leg.
he answers mildly, his interest shifting to the shelves, to the desk, to the walls. little glimpses into kaz's life that he's missed. ] I'm whatever the highest bidder wants me to be. [ finally, the dekappel in the flesh. still curious why a farmhouse scene compels kaz so. the seaside painting catches his interest, a gentle smile curling at the corner of his mouth. he's surprised to see the little wire bird, having forgotten all about it. feels like a lifetime ago that kaz was bleeding out on his ship, barely able to stand his touch. hard to believe that somehow that was a simpler time.
he turns away, regret tugging at his chest. he runs his white leather gloves along kaz's things, rummaging with a desk drawer here and there, stacking the books haphazardly on the floor so he can drag the chair loudly across the room. seems to forget about it as soon as he does, his eyes falling on a familiar piece of velvet, flicking it open to find the kaleidoscope nestled inside — a hearty scratch on one side. he lifts it to the meager light and hears the telltale clink of glass, finding the silver dented. ]
Did you drop this? [ he clucks his tongue, looking through the glass. ] One of the mirrors on the inside is broken. You might consider being more careful with your things. [ slipping the kaleidoscope into the inside pocket of his coat, he finishes bringing the chair over, plopping down before kaz's desk and swiping the cards, absently shuffling them in his hands. he regards zoya's letter with a raised brow, then his face lights up, pushing the cards into a slippery stack on the other side of the desk and reaching into his coat again, setting down another envelope. ] Wylan's design. I think I've puzzled it out. There are three different sketches placed in order of probability of success. One of them is guaranteed to work.
[ he sits back again, his stomach lurching when he realizes he's run out of things to say. or at least things he's willing to say. all that's left is business, and he doesn't want to make his next request, because then it all becomes real. that he's here. that he can't go back home until zoya gives him word. that for all he's done, he's ended up in what feels like exile in his eyes anyway. and he wants to be happy to see kaz, he wants to give in to the massive pull in his chest that yearns to draw closer to him because all he's done since the moment they parted is hurt and hurt and hurt, but he doesn't know if that bridge even exists anymore. doesn't know if he burned it first or if kaz turned around and burned it on his way out.
rising abruptly, goes to the only window in the room, parting the curtains and kneeling against the generous ledge as he opens up the latch. didn't they talk about this? watching a ketterdam sunrise from here? so many promises, so many dreams. none of them real. a cool gust of air wafts into the room. he can see the harbor from here, ships docked at the port, the rolling waves of the gray sea. something clenches inside of him. homesickness, maybe. as daft as they come. he's only just gotten here, and it isn't as if he's wanted back home. not really.
he settles on the ledge, his back to one side of the sill. the dwindling light picks up the copper tint in his hair, the murky green of his eyes. ] You know I lived in Ketterdam for a time? I went to school here. The University District is not nearly as exciting as the Barrel. It's why I paid someone to take my place and finish my studies for me.
no subject
he unrolls the letter, pausing only to scowl at nikolai upon hearing the words on the house. can’t help but scoff, either at zoya’s request itself or the idea of nikolai working for the highest bidder. ]
And if I offered you this — [ zoya’s payment for babysitting, held aloft between two sure fingers. ] — to return to Ravka? [ a beat. his attention abruptly swivels to the door. ] Dmitri!
[ half-dressed for the same event as kaz (bow-tie wonky, cuff links missing), the heartrender he poached from ravkan service comes running, like he expects there to be trouble or to be in trouble himself. definitely doesn’t anticipate his old sort-of leader facing his new one — which is probably why he only manages to ask, boss? as he leans through the crack in the door. kaz places the cheque on his desk and slides it to the other side before waving his hand to usher him inside. ] Split this between yourself and Milena equally. [ dmitri’s trepidatious approach picks up speed, while kaz jots something on his paper. ] For last week’s affair. Fine work. [ loosing a whistle over the number and royal hand that wrote it, dmnitri’s entire face brightens as he accepts the praise (and ostensible bonus). ] Tonight’s schedule remains unchanged. [ shrugging off his coat, kaz stands and reaches out to pull dmitri’s terrible bow-tie loose with a swift flourish. a jerk of his head at the door follows. ] Have someone tie that properly. [ his nose wrinkles. ] Rotty has cufflinks, but they’re not real silver, so don’t let him overcharge you. [ a shooing motion dismisses him, and the usual yes, boss of the gang sounds in return. can't work for kaz brekker without thick skin, after all.
waiting for the door to click shut again, kaz collects his papers from the day and straightens the stack. he ignores the remark about the kaleidoscope, watching nikolai pocket it out of the corner of his eye. his chest pangs. is he taking it away? kaz grabs his cane and rounds the desk, lurking closer to the windowsill. ]
You and Jesper are rather alike in that regard. [ his mouth twitches. ] And most others. [ leaving the university for adventure elsewhere, traipsing about his room unfraid, insisting on befriending him despite his talons and teeth.
he reaches over nikolai to tug the window closed and stop the damn draft. from there, he leans against the opposite border of the frame, standing in an effort not to wrinkle the tails of his tuxedo. if he sat down, if he stepped forward — they could touch again. saints, it’s harder to be close and still out of reach. he tips his head back, grounded by the cool wood, and looks down at nikolai through his lashes. ]
I won’t keep you against your will. If you want to sail back to Ravka, I'll make a show of throwing you out, and the Wraith will carry you there. [ clearing his throat. ] If you wish to obey your queen and stay, you can have a room at the slat for the going rate and earn your keep, like everyone else. No need to mark you. [ with the crow and cup tattoo that all members of the dregs share. ] You’ve had enough of that.
[ a frank statement, without pity. his gaze flickers to nikolai’s gloved hands, wishing he could unwrap them and trace where the scorch marks fade into freckled skin. would he find the sapphire ring underneath? ]
If you want to know what I think — [ kaz stops. why would he? even if nikolai decided to send him away, he’s the one who left. ] Stay.
no subject
Where are you off to tonight? [ arches a brow at his tuxedo. he fills it out nicely with his lean lines of muscle, a tidy fit. easier to think about this than everything else he’s just said. going back to ravka isn’t an option, something he doesn’t want to utter aloud. just thinking of zoya sends a flurry of bruised anger fluttering deep in his gut. he would never have done this to her. he would have found a way to keep her close to him even if it meant shackling her in the royal dungeons. but zoya is not prone to sentiment or stupidity in the way he is, and is therefore capable of making the decisions that need to be made. kaz can make a show of throwing him out, and all it will accomplish is an assignment elsewhere, somewhere he’ll be out of the way. he could join his parents in the southern colonies and show them just how wonderfully his life turned out, one reckless decision after another. no crown, no home, no family to speak of. his father might be pleased. he’d like to think his mother wouldn’t find comfort in his misery.
a sudden laugh rumbles in his chest. ] I’m not staying at the slat. You’ve far too many rules, and rules make life tedious. [ there’s nothing particularly wrong with the slat, except there are too many eyes and ears there, and the last thing he needs is for kaz or anyone else to uncover the casual horrors he’s presently living with. he might’ve accepted an invitation to stay in kaz’s personal quarters, a place he assumes is as private as any guarded vault in the palace. but that invitation doesn’t come. it doesn’t occur to him until this very moment that maybe he’s not particularly wanted here, either. his smile grows sharper. no sense in prolonging the inevitable. ]
I need you to find a place I can run a lab from. There was an unfortunate accident at the old one. [ ”””accident””” ] Somewhere near water. And near trees. A forest. Private. I won’t be entertaining guests there. I will be throwing legendary parties, however, and I feel like the Crow Club really suits Sturmhond’s fancy these days. I think I might make it my base of operations when I’m not working. You’re welcome for the inevitable uptick in business, by the way. People will show up just for a glimpse of me. Maybe you will, too. Do you need a date tonight? Is this a party? Is this a criminal endeavor?
[ he gauges the meager space separating them, his mind stuck on the word stay. he says it so easily, so readily. something nikolai should have said more often, in less desperate ways. it feels bittersweet now, that he would finally be asked when he has little choice but to do anything else. but kaz isn’t really asking anything. earn his keep, like everyone else? as if he’s everyone else. as if anyone else could reach out the way he does now, one gloved hand reaching for kaz’s bare one, testing the moment, testing what sort of reaction he might get in exchange for curling his fingers around his and pulling him a step closer. that’s all it takes for their knees to slide together. nikolai’s hand disappears into kaz’s coat, flicking open the buttons of his dinner jacket so he can trace the line of his hip through his shirt. he leans closer, resting his chin lightly against his chest as he smiles up at him. ]
This window has all sorts of uses, you know. I can think of several things it could be good for. Letting in some air, which you are clearly against. Jumping — [ the fox’s grin, even as he feels the monster give a sudden stir at the way his thoughts spiral unnecessarily. ] — to a nice, safe ledge, calm down, or — [ his fingers press gently to the curve of his spine, mapping out ridges of bone. do you want to be rid of me like everyone else? ] Let me show you what I have in mind. Or are you in a hurry to rush away from me?
no subject
Hm. [ acknowledgement of the request for specific accommodation. not yet agreement. his mind strays to the drawings tucked safely by his bed. had nikolai sent them knowing he’d need to rebuild here in ketterdam? not keen on the idea of a ravkan laboratory in his territory any more than encroachment from the other nations, but better to know about it, to never again be on the backfoot when danger advances on his crew or blackmailed into service to the crown.
and how will a lonely privateer afford this? no need to ask when he already knows the answer, mentally flicking through the deck of available properties that fit nikolai’s description. expensive places, on the whole, desirable for solitude without sacrificing a closeness to ketterdam. alcoves in the outskirts beyond the geldstraat, like where pekka rollins and his son reside. he’ll have to pay under the same name that holds the farm to avoid unwanted attention. wealthy recluses attract less notice than gangsters, after all. it doesn’t solve the matter of where he’ll stay tonight or tomorrow. (another answer, hovering just left of what he’s willing to say without adequate time to read the terrain: your rooms, your bed. maybe.) ]
Is that the only way I’ll see you in my city? [ in glimpses, like at the palace. he finds he likes that thought even less now. nikolai answers him with touch, and kaz fights the instinctive tension in his back. though he’s practiced more during this parting than the last, he can’t yet override his fear response. it’s the same, slow willful unlocking as always. still doesn’t let anyone else touch him like this. who else is there to touch?
when nikolai settles against his chest and smiles, kaz knows he can feel the hitch in his breath in turn. no sense in holding back the overt signs of his affection, then, combing a hand through nikolai’s hair and cupping the back of his skull. at the thought of nikolai jumping — or perhaps the teasing scale of his spine, his pulse skitters.
are you in a hurry to rush away from me? is a fair shot, after he left without word. anyone else would apologise or explain, but his tongue simply presses against his teeth. he brings his other hand to nikolai’s face, thumb caressing his cheek. suddenly, something clicks. ]
[ with teasing warmth, ] My darling Nikolai, star of my sky, are you asking to be my date? [ caught between amusement and surprise, mouth quirking on either side. he lets himself consider how much more he’d enjoy any party in nikolai’s company. a heartsick fool’s fantasy. nikolai is an unstable variable, not to be trusted — but then he wouldn’t have to be, for this to work. ]
[ eyes sparking with interest, ] Show me. [ it’s not a trap if he goes willingly, if he knows exactly where the pinch point is that might wrench his limbs. he brushes the corner of nikolai’s mouth before lifting his hand away, making a show of checking his pocket watch. ] How long you have depends on the quality of your idea.
no subject
[ it's not quite sainthood, but at least now he can compete with alina's finger bones. kaz's eyes are alight with his little joke — star of my sky, how long has he been sitting on that one — but nikolai doesn't miss the flash of surprise that he would be asked such a thing. has anyone ever dared to present such an inquiry to the bastard of the barrel? kaz certainly doesn't make himself approachable, what with the lack of adequate seating in his office. ]
I'm not asking. I'm offering. There's a difference. [ kaz's nimble fingers are too quick for him to press a kiss to, though the barest brush to the corner of his mouth is more than enough invitation. his hand sneaks between his legs, palming him gently while he maneuvers him back a step, bracing him against the sill. ] Have you missed me and all my grand ideas, Brekker? I know you'll be as cross as a wet cat if I ruin these fine clothes of yours, so I have no choice but to undress you a bit.
[ kaz's belt comes loose as he talks, trousers opening. nikolai pulls one glove off with his teeth, warm fingers dipping into his fly, the barest brush of skin against skin. his gaze flickers up, allowing him a moment while his fingertips slowly graze the velvety softness of his cock. has there been anyone else? it's the question always on the tip of his tongue after their long absences. doesn't know what he wants the answer to be. kaz's overcoat hides his cock from the window, but doesn't mask nikolai's burnished hair dipping low to lick a stripe along his length, his gloved hand gripping kaz's hip and drawing him closer. ]
This is the sort of power you've been missing, you know. [ he hasn't forgotten what kaz said about barrel bosses and their lovers, secreted away. he never wanted to give kaz that sort of weakness. this is walking a fine line already, too much too soon to anyone who doesn't know how long they've waited, but they're both well versed in the language of manipulation. his lips drag along kaz's cock as he slides it into his mouth, sucking gently as he feels him harden, his hand snaking out to slowly edge the window open again. kaz is different here in his own city, more assured, more purposeful. if nikolai can find a way to be needed again, then maybe things won't end up the way they always have. it won't be so easy to toss him aside or leave him behind. ] Command me. Let them see.
no subject
oh, it’s an offer now, is it — kaz laughs, harsh yet genuine. an offer to what, exactly, damage his reputation as an untouchable thing? risk exposure of his most vulnerable flesh to a hundred knives? at least no one will dare guess that nikolai is precious, for a time. his enemies never suspected he cared for inej and jesper until he lost control. a mistake he won’t repeat. ]
So you want me to ask you. [ mouth stuck in a near-smile as he rucks up his dress shirt, doing his best to clear the fine fabric without wrinkling it and sort of managing. ] I see. [ teasing doubled in part to avoid answering the question that chases his bargain, though the thrill at nikolai desiring him is real. of course kaz missed him, no less wanting for having been the fool who left willingly. this is power of a kind, though never the sort he craved. it begets weakness. the taking itself requires giving, a hemorrhagic wound that flows both ways. he bites his tongue. it already felt dangerous to have someone breakable (someone broken in ways he can’t fix) look for comfort and affection in the depths of his eyes, when there’s so little of that — of him — left.
better not to think on that, a feat made easier by nikolai’s touch. a firebrand, even in the teasing, igniting all the wants he keeps locked away. the breeze that sneaks inside smells like salt (the harbour, death, nikolai) and gunpowder (jesper, death, nikolai). when nikolai takes him in his mouth, kaz hisses. the bend of his back heightens, arching forward a little. ]
Do you want to be looked at? [ a sideways slant of his eyes out the cracked window. it’s a risk, tabulated quickly in his mind. if anyone sees, it’ll be his crows. something for them to whisper about at the table. another rumour added to the churn. his gaze ticks back to nikolai, mouth faintly quirked. ] Or do you want them [ the partygoers, the city ] to know I look at you — and no one else? [ rhetorical. one hand fits against his neck, stroking circles where copper hair meets soft skin. a thoughtful sound almost masks an admission of satisfaction. ]
I’ve found you don’t respond well to orders, Nikolai. [ old reminders echo in his cavernous mind: nikolai, not just anyone. living, not decaying. ] But you do like to be useful — and not just decorative — don’t you? [ making trouble and devising solutions in equal measure, pursuing the throne as a second son, born to do nothing. his mouth snags high enough on one side to flash his canines. a key change, to suit nikolai’s request. kaz curls a hand in the back of his hair and pushes him down. ] Make yourself useful. [ content to ease into the lead, for a moment, kicking up his hips into a sure rhythm, savouring the wet heat of nikolai's waiting mouth. so much to take after weeks without him, still not enough. should have kissed him by the window before all this. a promise nearly fulfilled. ]
[ sharply, then — ] Eyes open, stay here. [ no drifting this time. even if sturmhond is different from nikolai, kaz finds the same parts of him mesmerising. all sun-kissed freckles, cleaved by a crooked nose, lips stretched and reddened. his other hand chases the curve of nikolai’s shoulder, slipping up his arm until he can press nikolai’s bare hand into his hip, deftly checking for the gifted ring. ] You’re the one I want to see.
no subject
it's the second one, of course the second one — to know that kaz is the one looking at him, only him. nikolai has been scrutinized his entire life, admired and adored, perhaps even loved in some form, but the sum of it has gotten him nowhere. he let his country down, let his queen — his friend — down. kaz is the only one looking at him now, the only one who might still see some value in him, and while he knows he doesn't respond well to orders, there's a balance to this that kaz will be able to strike. being useful. being wanted. being asked for things that he knows they both want. his eyes shutter when kaz's sure hand guides him down — shoves, really, but he's never taken like this before, never been quite so greedy with his desires. maybe some of it is for show, but his muscles tighten and his voice grows rougher all the same. all telling.
eyes open. he complies slowly, lashes fluttering, gaze flickering up to catch a glimpse of kaz looking more debauched than he has any business being. stay here is a harder request, his thoughts already straying, but something in the way kaz's fingers wander over his grounds him, slipping over bands and gems, his sapphire nestled safely among the rest of sturmhond's gaudy jewelry. he pushes forward, sliding his cock deep into his mouth, hard enough to feel the prickle of heat in the corners of his eyes. before kaz can pull his hand away he snags his fingers, tangling them together beneath the folds of his coat, braced against his hip. some of this can be just for them.
his cock touches the back of his throat. he keeps their gaze locked, nudging forward, watching kaz hungrily as he chokes him down, heat flushing his cheeks. again. his tongue swirls around him, head bobbing as he works him relentlessly, hooking one hand against the bend of his knee and pulling sharply, forcing him down against the ledge of the window. he breaks eye contact only so he can bury his face between his legs, hand presses to his thigh to keep it open, long, wet drags of his mouth. he briefly considers letting kaz come all over himself just to keep him here longer — hasn't told him where he's going, hasn't asked nikolai to join him, hasn't even offered him a real place to stay — but he shuts his eyes and lets kaz flood his mouth, a desperate moan as he swallows him down and breathlessly licks him clean.
he looks up with glassy eyes, licking his reddened lips as he catches his breath. he'll sleep on his ship. damn well won't beg to see his bed even if he wants to, even if he thinks a part of him might enjoy it. he at least should be drunk for it. he reaches out with an obstinate hand and pushes the window wider, lets the cool air waft over kaz's damp cock. ]
How do you feel about dogs? I'm thinking of getting a dog again. Why haven't you offered me a drink, Brekker? Is it because I'm a lowly privateer and not a king? You truly have no decorum to speak of. [ he drags a finger down the line of his cock, rubbing softly at the wet tip. ] I like when you take from me. I like having something worth giving you.
no subject
hard to identify his ring among the garish collection, but kaz reckons he manages it, dragging a finger over the ridge of nikolai’s knuckle below the familiar cut of the gem, then allowing himself to be caught. i’m done holding your hand rings hollower from a distance. something nikolai thinks he himself doesn’t deserve, not that he wished to stop giving. a spate of affection, buoyed by the confidence that comes from his position in ketterdam.
for the first time, they’re in his domain. he holds nikolai down until his lashes glisten in the setting sun. between his thudding heart and panting breaths, nikolai must know — but he doesn’t — he always doubts — kaz throws his head back, groan torn from his throat by nikolai’s relentless tongue. didn’t imagine the reverb in nikolai’s chest, either, a wanton moan that makes his softening cock twitch. he lets his mouth grin sharklike as nikolai dives into chatter, looking wonderfully debased and unsatisfied.
i like having something worth giving you, he knew. i like when you take, he didn’t. should have, granted, when that’s all he does. if it wasn’t liked — well. they’d hardly be suited to each other. and they are well-matched, aren’t they? kaz levers his good leg to sit comfortably on the sill. considers tidying himself up and leaving it at that, the empty exchange that nikolai hoped it would be early on their partnership. nikolai’s touch distracts him on cue, his breath catching. ]
I prefer dogs to most company. [ said wryly, as one hand fists in nikolai’s hair to drag him up by the scruff and the other, still linked, yanks nikolai into his lap for a change, only untangling their fingers to grip his waist. a weight he feared the first time, the living body as heavy as the dead, and manages now. not as overwhelming as nikolai covering him and pushing inside him, after all. kaz winds nikolai close as he mouths up his throat and nips a mark in the spot nikolai likes so much on him. ] You wouldn’t like me decorous. [ though he might witness the saccharine politeness that bootlicking requires later. just good business. no trace of it now in a stolen kiss, the greedy press of his tongue working in tandem with the strong hands that peel his coat off his shoulders to skate down his back. ]
Will you be my date tonight, Nikolai? [ rasped like any other proposition. ] I’m only attending for business, I’ll despise everyone there but you — which I’m sure you’ll enjoy — and I’ll bring you the best brandy a merch can buy. [ kaz noses along his cheekbone, trailing kisses to the shell of his ear. one hand quickly opens his fly and wraps his fingers around his cock. ] And will you stay after? [ fear daggers into his back. is this how nikolai feels, after being made to ask for his tender wants? ] In my bed. Until I’ve found you somewhere better. [ it’s not forever, never is. nikolai wants him now, maybe needs him now, but he’ll leave once he’s had his fill — once he’s had enough. they always do. ] Fit for a privateer king.
[ kaz can gift him this until then, if he’ll have it. he tips back enough to glimpse nikolai’s face, watching his features for signs that he’s steered them down the wrong alley. even if he has, he can’t help himself — ] Everything you have is worth taking.
no subject
his eyes flutter open briefly at the request, another surprise. can't answer because they're kissing now, igniting a perilous need that nikolai desperately needs to throw dirt on. his breath stutters when kaz's fingers wrap firmly around his cock, his hips pushing into his touch as he sheds his remaining glove so he can sneak his fingers beneath kaz’s rucked up shirt, grazing lines of muscle. his teal coat falls down his shoulders when kaz pushes it away, revealing a frilly white shirt of a fabric far too fine for an average pirate, a collection of gold around his neck. kaz’s lips travel across his cheek, warm breath at his ear, the granite rasp of his voice sending a shudder through him. in my bed. finally. heat flushes his face, his cock twitching in his grip. ]
I suppose I have no other obligations tonight. [ spine arching, he brings a hand up to slide through kaz’s neat hair, watching stray locks fall loose beneath his careless touch. everything you have is worth taking. a breathless scoff, his eyes trailing to the window. doesn’t know if it’s true, doesn’t know if it’s good or terrible to hear it. his mind is stuck on kaz’s bed anyway, on the thought of being in it, touching kaz in it. a place he must have believed would only ever occupy one person. the dwindling light casts a fiery glow across kaz’s pale skin. a kiss in the ketterdam sunset. nikolai steals another, the desperate slide of their mouths, a soft groan rising in his throat. his hips urge closer, fingers gripping the sill behind kaz’s head as he pushes into kaz’s hand, wanting more, needing it in a way he’s kept buried but now is being steadily unearthed by the rapid unraveling of his life. ]
Yes. [ breathless agreement for all kaz offers. the magnitude that any of it is being offered at all isn’t lost on him. ] Yes, I’ll go. As your date. To your bed. Anywhere. I want — [ everything, all of it. so much that there’s no way anyone can fill the gaping emptiness inside of him left by the loss of his country. he thinks of the guest suite in the palace, how empty it had been, no trace that kaz had ever set foot inside. it stings even now, makes his grip tighten on his shirt, his teeth scraping along the side of kaz’s throat as he hisses in a quivering breath. ] I want you. [ his thighs tighten, throat bobbing as he swallows down a whimper. ] Have you ever… [ of course he hasn’t. another rush of breath, eyes pressing shut. ] I want you to fuck me, Brekker. In your bed. Tonight, or — any night, it doesn’t… doesn’t matter, I just — need you. I need you.
[ his mind grinds to a halt. how is he meant to share his bed, when his nightmares have only gotten worse, when he can’t sleep without binding himself — what is he asking for, what is he agreeing to? his hips jerk into kaz’s hand, pleasure cutting into him, drowning out the sudden noise in his head, the panic that wants to surface. a muffled gasp escapes his lips as he ruts helplessly against him, a whine in his throat, his blackened fingers clenching tighter at the window. he should move back, make an attempt at propriety, but nothing could make him want to leave the circle of kaz’s arms, a rush of heat rising to meet him. the wood splinters suddenly beneath his grip when he comes, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.
his hand slides away from the sill, his taut muscles growing slack as shivers dance over his skin. leans in for a breathless kiss, blood smearing across kaz’s mouth, then rests their foreheads together, panting softly. he flexes his hand down at kaz’s side, sharp fingertips slowly disappearing. ]
You need a tailor in your employ. [ as if it’s a simple matter to find a good tailor. none would compare to genya anyway. ] Sturmhond doesn’t mind a rugged appearance, but Nikolai prefers a more polished look. I’m parched, Brekker. I’m ready for a rambunctious party and my fine brandy.
no subject
You have me. [ instinctive assurance, the sort of nonsense he never offers anyone, but nikolai, just by being here, pries open the rusted hatch in his skull and excavates tenderness. ] Anything you want. [ of a pair with anywhere, though perhaps more true. ] Want that — you just as much. Tonight. Every night. [ stupid to say that when nikolai clearly wants a space of his own. can’t be helped. would offer anything to the nikolai that rattles apart in his arms now. heart racing, stomach fluttering, confessions fizzing behind his teeth. another thing he wanted and didn’t have to ask for because nikolai left a trail of stones to follow. nikolai in his city, in his bed, the stuff of fantasies flitting into his grasp. too fragile for someone like him to keep hold.
still, kaz must have held him above water better than the last time, with nikolai chasing more kisses and huddling close — instead of turning away, regrets on his tongue. kaz bumps their noses before tipping his head against the sill, a half-smile stuck in place before he can stop it. something macabre in the way his tongue darts out to swipe the blood smudged at his mouth. after wiping his hand on nikolai’s fine silk shirt, he plucks the pocket square from his suit jacket with a flourish. ]
You know some messes can be cleaned by hand. [ kaz cradles nikolai’s jaw and gently thumbs the fabric over his red mouth. ] But I happen to have a fine tailor already — Milena will meet us in wardrobe. [ at the hidden entrance to the opera house, since they’ll both be changing. there’s a wet stain on kaz’s thigh from nikolai coming in a rush. he closes his hand, lined with fabric, around nikolai’s cock and squeezes before carefully cleaning him up (to the best of his ability). ] And then you’ll have your party.
[ his gaze flickers over nikolai’s features. quieter then, ] Do you really want to — tonight?
no subject
briefly, he meets kaz's eyes at the question. is there uncertainty there? kaz is harder to read than the archaic poetry tolya pores over. ] I think the question is if you want to. I'm a bit past want at this point. Have you thought of it before? I have in depth, but you guard your thoughts in a way that I don't.
[ there's a part of him that wants to pull the window closed, to draw the curtains shut, to bury himself against kaz and let him feel just how much he needs him. kaz opened a wound when he spirited off into the night without saying a word, a wound that nikolai hasn't known how to close all this time when in the end it was his fault that he left, so he soldiered on like always, and now he can't anymore with the threshold of loss pushing against him like a crumbling cave. to be angry about what kaz did is easier than thinking of everything else that hurts so much more, of zoya and ravka and his people. at least kaz is here now. he doesn't know when zoya will call him home, if she ever will.
the dreary sky has finally settled into the darkness of night, nikolai's gaze moving from kaz toward the city. it looks different like this, somehow more alive, a certain beauty that ketterdam lacks in the daylight. he's never stopped to notice before, never even thought to look. always other things on his mind. even now, kaz's quiet voice plays on a loop, an easy thread to latch onto, only it's anything but. eventually, kaz will ask him why he's here, why he won't go back when he did everything right, atoned in the best way he could. maybe tonight. maybe a month from now. if there's one thing kaz is good at, it's biding his time. burning down lazlayon is hardly a reason to get him neatly punted out of his own country, and kaz only tolerates unknown variables for so long.
he looks back, puts on a sly smile as he deftly fits his gloves back on. with a sweep of his fingers he draws kaz in by his collar, pressing a firm kiss to his mouth, tonguing away the smear of blood left behind. he sneaks a kiss to his cheek before pulling back, the soft leather of his gloves gliding over kaz's knuckles where he gently holds his hand. ]
It doesn't have to be tonight. It can be when you want. I'm — [ his smile falters, but he squeezes kaz's hand, lifting it higher to press his lips to the back of his knuckles. ] I'm here now, mostly at your service but sometimes at my own. My ship sets sail to Os Alta two days from now, and my crew will be running her back and forth to smuggle your Grisha refugees back home.
[ he stands, straightening his trousers and shrugging his coat back on, patting the kaleidoscope to make sure it's still safely inside. if they stay here any longer he'll be in danger of spilling secrets he'd rather keep hidden. best to keep moving. ]
To Milena, then. And to my brandy. You can tell me why we're attending this function on the way as well, since I'm sure you've never gone anywhere solely for fun in your life. You're dressed for an opera or a ballet or some other equally terrible performance, and I'll have you know that passively consuming information is not a strong suit of mine. Speaking of fun, I've decided I will be having a yacht party to commemorate my presence here in Ketterdam. You are, of course, expected to attend to make sure that I don't accidentally blow my brains out when the sea shanties begin. Shall we go?