[ his hands still, turning the words over in his head. you’re not just anyone. like his place in kaz’s life is something special, like he’s more than just the burned out star he knows himself to be. when will kaz realize the truth? he wants that day to come as badly as he hopes it never will. they’re too deeply intertwined now for it not to hurt when this ends, but it’s necessary that it does, before kaz suffers wounds worse than the ones at his shoulder. the pulse of his heartbeat aches with every stilted thump, his throat tight when he swallows. he forces his hands to move again, taking comfort in having something to occupy them — the careful task of massaging his hurt leg, trying to ease some of his pain. kaz’s expression is suddenly too earnest to bear. ]
We both know that’s a lie. Haven’t I liked everything I’ve found so far? [ the good things, like the thread of need pulling kaz taut, his budding confidence when it comes to his kisses, his wicked hands capable of the best kind of magic — and the bad has yet to make him turn away, the cold waters deep enough to drown them both. but kaz hasn’t given in, and in moments when nikolai wants to, that thought keeps him tethered here. maybe it’s just foolish competition, or maybe he’s come to find a type of solace in kaz’s strength while his own dwindles.
kaz’s fingers find his pulse, and he tenses just slightly before relaxing again, keeping his hands gently moving. loss, something kaz knows intimately. something nikolai is afraid he’ll reacquaint him with. what happens when you touch me. he finds his eyes again, the clearest blue rimmed with the shadow of his lashes. ]
I’m touching you now. [ differently than most of their other touches. the want that drives him is always there, a darkly smoldering heat running just beneath his skin, but this is something else. a different sort of desire, one that wants to offer comfort, a type of calm that a man like kaz might not find easy to come by. a safe place to land. the same things he’s searching for. ] Tell me what happens, then. Tell me what makes you afraid of it. That’s the next truth I want.
[ he stills again when kaz covers his hand, a gesture he never would have thought would fill him with such a flurry of emotion. he knows why the hand is there the minute kaz broaches his question. he does want to pull away, a barrage of memories passing through his mind faster than one of zoya’s deadly lightning bolts, the overwhelming majority of them moments he wishes he could forget. his parents. his failures. the taste of blood in his mouth. the thorn wood piercing his heart. blood-soaked battlefields and the sound of death all around. he struggles to return to this, grounding himself with kaz’s touch. of course there are good memories. dominik and his smiling face, always marred with his body held lifeless in his arms. his early days as sturmhond, his first grand adventure, the first time he’d created a place to belong. leaving it was painful, though not as painful as watching his crew leave him. he tells himself to stay with the good. to stay here with kaz. he’s had a good life, a life of privilege and favor, more full of light than darkness. so he’s lonely. a foolish thing for a prince to be melancholy about. ]
I used to sneak away from the palace to see — [ when was the last time he spoke his name? it feels like ash in his mouth, like he doesn’t deserve to anymore. all the warmth his parents showed, the way they’d welcomed him as one of their own. he blinks away dominik’s mother’s tear-streaked face. maybe that was the last time he said it aloud, the last time he ever allowed himself to talk about this. he doesn’t want to talk about it now, maybe not ever. you owe him the truth. whether he means kaz or dominik, he can’t say. his hand moves from beneath kaz’s fingers, straying to his ankles as he swallows down the tightness in his throat. ] There are good memories, but I don’t go back to them. I won’t look back. There’s only ever forward for me.
[ a lie he wishes were true. if he says it enough, maybe it will be. his grip travels higher again before he reaches out with one hand to pluck his drink back, taking a swallow before returning it to kaz with a brush of his fingers, his smile returning. ] Memory lane is a dangerous place to wander, as you well know. I do have a rather nice profile when I look mournfully out of windows, though.
[ it doesn’t take him long to figure out what nikolai is doing — that he doesn’t mean to initiate something like what they’ve had before. it’s a strange, tender thing, clotting his throat. another drink fails to clear the blockage has he liked everything so far? nikolai has little reason to lie, but it still seems a bold claim to make. he hasn’t seen your worst, even half-drowned and delirious on the beach or pointed in his cruelty at the inn. the waters only serve to make him broken, something he suspects nikolai finds appealing in some way, drawn both to a puzzle and a challenge. it sounds unkind when he thinks of it like that, but it’s only logical, when they’ve connected and reconnected at low, fragile points in their journeys. if nikolai weren’t burdened with monstrosity, if he really were prince perfect — kaz wouldn’t be able to bear him, let alone understand him.
yet for all his unpleasantries, kaz has never given himself over to his wounded rage in nikolai’s presence. the anger makes him formless, taking oomen’s eyes for harming inej and tearing through every associate of pekka rollins. kaz might regret the calculating and awful things that led him here, if only he were less good at them. unfortunately, he’s been capable from the start and only gotten better with practice. that’s what his poison tongue and clever hands are for. not this.
kaz tells himself all that. and then he doesn’t pull away, considering nikolai’s request as he talks. the admission pulls his focus, narrowing it back to the present moment. what did he sneak out to find? no, who? suddenly, he cares very much whether nikolai has had someone else. that someone must have mattered a great deal, if nikolai hadn’t mentioned them earlier, if he won't name them now. ]
Your profile has better lights. [ than mournful. his mouth quirks, as if he knows it’s surprising that he commented on one of nikolai's little distractions at all. ] Inej finds strength in her memories — good and bad. [ a simple statement, the tell of his admiration tucked in the faraway flit of his eyes.] I don’t know how. [ dismissive as the roll of his good shoulder, a shrug, although he’s anything but towards her. speaking of inej contextualises his question; that’s all. for kaz, the measure of love will always be loss. you can’t keep people. they’re not things.
as he prepares to answer nikolai’s question (despite the cheap reply he received, on his turn) his spine straightens. he ungloves his right hand with a flash of teeth and assesses nikolai for exposed skin, fingers fanning out at the side of his neck, cupping the pulse in his throat. a hitch of breath, at the first step into the icy water. his rasp pitches a note higher even as his features tighten into a controlled mask. ]
It’s as if — your hand is just a hand, touching me, but it feels — cold like the corpses. Or hot like the fever. [ he shudders, the worst of the shake in his arm. only by force of will do his eyes stay open. ] I’ll be looking at you, and then you won’t be you — you — you’ll be dead. [ a long inhale. ] Most have seen death. I know you have. [ an apology of a kind, for things he said to nikolai previously. shuttering his eyes, he reaches deep inside himself and opens the hatch. quieter, then. ] But I was with the dead for a long time. [ how long had he been passed out, buried? how long had he been in the water, shriveling? ] And death — it advances quickly. On the body. Colonises it. The eyes — [ that used to look at you with warmth empty into nothing, unfocused, stuck open forever. his mouth twists, lashes twitching against his cheek. he should have closed jordie’s eyes, the ones they share, blue as the summer sky. was that how the ghost slipped out? it takes mere hours for rot to steal the rest, years of life replaced with bloating muscle, decaying skin, protruding bones.
he turns his head, eyes settling on a blank wall when they finally open again. his hand drops to his lap, fingers curling so nikolai can’t study the worst of the dark scars decorating his skin. ]
I think about your luck running out almost as much as you do. [ a callback to the cave. every person he touches, dead in his arms. wouldn’t that frighten anyone? somehow, kaz musters a sideways glare, borderline haughty when he adds, ] You should be grateful I want to kiss you at all. [ with the general morbidity of his romantic personality, atop his own visions of corpses. ]
Will you tell me their name? [ even after giving him jordie and rietveld, after forcing himself to say the unsayable — he doesn’t deserve an answer because no one deserves anything, but he wants one badly. it edges into his voice. ] The person you would sneak away to see.
[ kaz doesn’t press for a real answer right away, and nikolai is grateful for it, needing the lapsing silence to brace himself. kaz’s hand is cold — as it often is, as if it lives inside of his bones — but warms slightly against his throat. he doesn’t expect the honesty that comes so suddenly, raw and exposed, laid at his feet. swiftly, pieces begin fitting together in his head as kaz fills in the missing details that nikolai suspected but has never confirmed. i was with the dead for a long time. thrown into the sea with the corpses of plague victims. nikolai keeps his eyes steadily on him even when kaz shuts his, memorizing every detail — the pitch of his voice, the way the words come haltingly. the signs of honesty from someone disused to it. he resists the urge to cup his face in his hands, allowing kaz room to pull away. ]
You’re treading water every day. [ navigating the corpses that take up space in his mind, trying not to feel their icy touch. he can’t imagine the fortitude it must take to be kaz brekker. he slips his own gloves off and reaches out with one hand to slowly curl their fingers together. ] It took me some time to realize it wasn’t just when I touched you. It's when you look at me, too. It's always. I hope you know that I don't see it as anything less than a miracle that you let me in at all, much less allow me to kiss you. And I try not to believe in miracles, as a general rule.
[ but he's seen too much to rule them out entirely in the way he would like to. even now, he can't rightly say he isn't staring one in the face. it's a miracle that kaz is even alive, after everything he's put him through. his gaze slips to his shoulder before righting itself, a smile flashing across his mouth. ] What a dull thing to think of. Hopefully one day we can both have a leisurely swim in a very peaceful lake. No death. Just us. [ as if death doesn’t follow them both. something earnest pulls at his chest. ] Maybe you’d like to accompany me to Os Alta for a few days when this is over. I’d like nothing more than to show you the sites of my many excellent crimes, and the capital is quite beautiful this time of year.
[ a beat passes with kaz's question poised in the air. a hundred lies come to mind. an instructor, a university dalliance, a townie from any port city he's ever stopped at. a name and a story that never happened at all. kaz can't possibly know the difference. he takes his glass again, drained in one swallow. it doesn't hurt as sharply as several minutes ago, the brandy finally dulling a few of his unbearably jagged edges, enough that he can touch them now, even if they still draw blood. he gets up, his back to kaz as he takes the bottle by the neck, splashing a dash of liquid in his glass before deciding to forego the idea of cups altogether. ]
Dominik. [ the truth edges past his lips before he can stop it. there is the dry observation that perhaps this has been a long time coming. he clears away the lump in his throat with a swig from the bottle. ] His name was Dominik.
[ that's it. he answered the question. and yet slamming the lid on this again feels almost dirty in some way. he wouldn't be the man he is now if not for dominik, every single one of his foolhardy choices always leading back to him and the promise he made on the battlefield. has he fulfilled it? it doesn't feel like enough.
he turns, bringing the bottle to the bed as he settles down again, hands clasping kaz's leg like he needs to keep busy. he resumes his massage, his eyes faraway. what does he even say now? he has never attempted to put what they shared into words. years should have lightened this burden, but he can still feel the weight of him in his arms, how warm he felt even after he stopped breathing. he has never shed so many tears since that moment.
a quick inhale, and then — ] He was my first everything. Friend. Love. Loss. Ravka will bleed you dry no matter who you are — prince or peasant alike she'll acquaint with hopelessness. Dominik was the best of us, but — [ another breath, his hand stilling at kaz's thigh. ] War doesn't care about that. I made a promise to him that I would see our country to peace, to the prosperity that other nations have, and — we're on a steady path to something greater, but there aren't enough years in my lifetime to make Ravka the sort of place that deserves someone like him.
[ he marvels at how he keeps his voice steady, but it doesn't extend to his hands, tightening his white-knuckled grip on kaz's knee to stop the tremor that moves through his fingers before realizing how hard he's holding on. kaz's knee is then replaced with the bottle, liquid sloshing as he swallows down another mouthful before crawling higher on the bed and plopping down beside him with a rush of breath. ]
When you love a thing, the work is never done. [ if he closes his eyes he fears he'll immediately fall asleep, so he keeps them open, finding kaz's gaze from his unceremonious place on his pillow. it smells faintly of him, a fascinating mix of earth after the rain, dreary skies and dark leather. his scarred fingers wind loosely around the bottle, nestled against his side. why is he here when kaz is there? he adjusts his position, sliding his head into kaz's lap while he holds up the bottle to him, hair mussed, his cheeks quickly taking on a ruddy flush. ] Touch me. Not like that — just my face. Get used to the feeling. It doesn't always have to be about kissing or — anything, really. You can touch someone and have it be just that.
[ he gives kaz an encouraging smile, the corners of his mouth tilting slyly. ] What do you feel for Inej Ghafa? I'm no idiot, Brekker. Anyway, Captain Sturmhond is long overdue for a visit to her ship.
[ whatever it was he thought nikolai might say or do, it’s not this encouraging and earnest thing. saints, he wants to look away. maybe also to pitch himself overboard. but he can’t free himself from nikolai’s gaze, instead staring down the barrel of his eyes, startled and lost in the swirl of starry flecks, until their hands entwine. as ever, touch pulls his focus. oh. nikolai’s observations also articulate something known to him but never before clarified. it’s always. yes, he supposes so, death and rot licking at nikolai’s boots whenever he fills kaz's gaze; jordie’s voice in his head, haunting him endlessly. calling his efforts a miracle jolts him back to himself. he scoffs softly and looks away, a hint of colour warming his cheeks. ]
[ lightly, ] You should know better than to let me anywhere near the palace. [ thief, remember? he hazards a glance back at nikolai, features arranged into neutrality, apart from his unguarded eyes. nikolai asks him for mundane things that no one else would dare request: a peaceful swim, a few days rest in the city he loves. can you even give him that? they seem like simple things done for the sake of doing them (for the company), and kaz hasn’t rested for longer than a night in years. even after besting rollins, he hadn’t known how to stop, hollow in all the ways he was at the start — except where his six closest companions filled him up. you could try. nikolai hasn’t spoken hopefully of the future in some time, so it seems vital to encourage him now. kaz squeezes his fingers, thumb swiping over the back of his hand.
he can tell it was the right decision when nikolai tears himself away. kaz curls his fingers again and watches his every jagged movement. dominik. the name alone is enough because anything more should be given freely — and nikolai does just that. he comes back, hands drowning and anchoring kaz all over again. his chest aches, straining with the feeling that wells up when all you can do for someone is listen, seeing the hurt carved into them long ago dragged into the light. grip too tight, words grasping at the twin impossibilities of love and loss. his own halting speech wouldn’t serve him here, so he simply nods when nikolai finally catches his eye again.
as nikolai tips into his lap, he lifts his hands, unsure where they’re meant to go now that their resting spot is occupied. never had someone this close, for this long. he finds himself grateful for the bottle, so he has the excuse of swigging it first. kaz then tips it against the v of his hip and turns a sour look down at nikolai’s hopeful, handsome face. ]
You kissed me first. [ all kaz had done was hold his hand. and look and look and look. he rolls his eyes. ] I’m aware of the concept. [ of platonic touching. he tugs off his still-gloved hand with bare fingers. ] I had an older brother. I have —
[ jesper, whose clothed arm he hadn’t shrugged off his shoulders the last time they spoke and who had been smart enough to say nothing of it. one hand cards back through nikolai’s hair, familiar territory. the tell-tale stutter of his breath and heart both come despite his steeled composure. had he mentioned that jordie was older before? he imagines that he doesn’t seem like a younger sibling, not the way nikolai does.
as the topic shifts to inej, his frown tightens. ]
[ stiffly, ] Captain Ghafa decides who boards her ship. [ and kaz would never dream of influencing it. it’s the site of her freedom. his other hand settles back on nikolai’s throat, an unmistakable threat, though he smooths it higher soon enough, cupping his jaw — and then letting go. he threads their fingers together instead, just to be contrary to nikolai’s instructions. the hand in his hair keeps raking through it, diligent and careful.
admittedly, the idea of inej and nikolai meeting makes kaz want to squirm, although he knows inej would offer little information. nikolai will talk. he's always talking. and inej will ask nikolai about zenik, too, so he won’t have to show his hand. you still haven’t answered the question. he had liked imogen, wanted her since she started laughing at the terrible things he said, doubly so when he saw what she did to the men she didn’t like, but inej... he swallows a breath, adam’s apple bobbing. his gaze tilts up, tracing patterns in the faraway wall. ]
Inej is the best of us. [ purposefully copying nikolai’s words once more, so he understands the meaning without having to say it his own way. kaz thinks about her slight silhouette in his window, her shadow watching over him, the coil of her braid and the warmth of her laugh. ] Ketterdam will never deserve her.
[ and neither will kaz brekker, but she doesn’t need someone deserving. a wholly good man couldn’t have bought her contract, and he certainly wouldn’t be able to do every terrible thing required to help rout out her targets. ]
But she knows where to find me. [ could have stopped that sentence earlier, and it’d still have been true. she knows. everything. him. kaz looks down at nikolai, mouth faintly quirked. ] People are the one thing you can’t steal, Lantsov. You can take them, own them — but they’ll never be yours. [ the dregs haven’t taken on any indentures since he seized control, and they never will again. ] They have to want to come back. [ a beat. ] And you have to let them in when they do.
[ philosopher crook. better to let that sit rather than ask another question. it might just be good advice. ]
[ the reminder that kaz may very well steal the many costly heirlooms passed down through generations of lantsovs tugs a smile onto his lips. the grand palace is full of them, and the idea of kaz walking the gleaming, familiar halls intrigues him in such a thorough way that he can think of little else. he hasn't said yes. but he hasn't said no, either. ]
You'll find our coffers of little interest. They're perpetually empty. [ only slightly less than before. a shame, since zoya's terrifyingly beautiful face is now on the money. ] I'll point you in the direction of the gaudiest baubles in the palace. It's far less of a scandal for such things to mysteriously disappear rather than be publicly melted down for very shiny weaponry by a former king and renowned bastard who still manages to live the luxurious life of a lazy royal.
[ his eyes slip shut as he draws in a contented breath at the sensation of kaz's fingers moving through his hair. it's easy to imagine the thing he wants most in this moment — the two of them curled together in this bed, kaz in his arms, his fear of hurting him gone for just one night. maybe it could happen. it feels within reach when kaz ghosts his fingers along his throat, holding his breath when his touch disappears. come back. and he does, their hands joined once more, his brain transformed into that of a besotted schoolboy. vaguely, he thinks of the dangers of growing too attached. too late to protect himself from that pain.
an older brother. another bit of the story revealed, another piece to fit into place. how do they both have dead older brothers? not important. the thing to focus on is the insinuation that kaz has this experience with touch. has had it for years. in a way, it's even worse to know this, that he had this in his grasp, knew intimately of what it felt like, and then lost it for so long. the idea of him holding himself apart from every person he's ever known makes nikolai's chest ache. he tightens his fingers, fights the urge to drag kaz's mouth to his. his vision sways just a little. ]
Captain Ghafa and I happen to already be friends. She quite graciously keeps some very specific matters of international security safe for the crown. [ such as the whereabouts — and identity — of his blessed termite turned fjerdan royalty. a mischievous glint appears in his warm hazel eyes. ] You turned down the invitation to Zoya's coronation, or else you might've been invited into our circle. Or I might've kissed you sooner. Probably for the best that you didn't come. That was a very trying period of time and I was behaving rather recklessly for most of it. In my defense, the palace was bombed, I almost died in another war, and I couldn't tell you the last time I'd slept. That last bit hasn't really changed. Am I still handsome?
[ he thinks about the way kaz talks about the wraith while he babbles on, watches his throat bob and his eyes tilt away. is there want there? there's something. perhaps something purer than he could ever give. he's always known of kaz's specific sort of concern for her — used it as leverage against him, even — her and the other close members of his gang, but her most of all. they have to want to come back. their eyes meet, the blue of his gaze distracting him. does the wraith not want to come back? what transpired between them? but she knows where to find me. quiet longing. he knows it's there. and you have to let them in when they do. something pointed in those words. his unoccupied hand reaches up for the bottle, misses, fingers curling into kaz's hip instead. they linger. ]
Did you wish to touch her? [ slowly, his hand strays to the bottle. ] Do you?
[ of course kaz turned down the invitation, though the image of inej flitting through dignitaries, unheard and unseen, almost makes him smile. or i might’ve kissed you sooner pulls his thoughts in another direction. it sounds so inevitable, even couched in one of nikolai’s fits of chatter. maybe it was inevitable, with the charged nature of their meetings. ]
Everyone in Ketterdam would think me a crooked merch for attending royal affairs. [ such alliances are greedy in a way benefitting the individual and not the crew, displaying an interest in games of whispers and politicking over barter and strategy. ] And for consorting with kings, even the sort they might admire from afar — chiefly the disgraced, bastard kind. [ an amused huff of air, eyes brighter for the reminder that nikolai rarely approaches things from the expected angle. ] But you’ve had worse ideas. [ than inviting him to the palace for the express purpose of thieving heirlooms and valuables. he’s certain he could gather several worthy scores, even with ravka’s pitiful treasury. next time zoya writes, she ought to ask him for financial advice — or maybe he could teach nikolai that aspect of governance, since it seems to elude him. ]
[ canting his head to the side, kaz visibly squints at nikolai — as if to check whether he is still handsome, after all. no time to review his findings, gaze holding steady as the topic slides back to inej. his hand stills. a small crease forms between his brows, more thoughtful than anything else. is this a test? worse, is it an escape route? would nikolai rather hand him off to the wraith than have him here — well, maybe that’s part of it, but kaz has gathered boxes of evidence which indicate otherwise, too. a momentary distraction, then: he finds that he likes the feel of nikolai’s grip where it left a bruise on his hip hours earlier. touching but not touching, skin separated by his grey shirt. ]
I did. [ in addition to his feelings for her — the biggest ones he had to that point, expanding the cage of his ribs. mostly, he had wanted to give her everything she needed to be free. the fact that he had, in fact, touched her seems a private thing to share, even with nikolai, after everything she pushed through to let him close. a steadying exhale before he slides the hand in nikolai’s hair to cup the back of his skull, guiding him up as kaz leans down. ]
What if I say that it’s you I wish to steal for myself now? [ to take have keep, all the things he said were impossible for anyone, let alone someone like him. he won’t say how he looked for excuses to talk to nikolai all week after their fight, or that he struggled again for an innocent reason to visit his room earlier tonight. a tug of their linked hands tells nikolai to sit up straighter, just in case he hasn’t realised what’s happening yet. his voice lowers, a softer grit than usual. ] It would be easier for me not to say it. [ so he doesn’t have to. it can be placed on the shelf beside his desperate confession of need at the inn, so nikolai doesn’t have to face it. kaz has the unparalleled ability to parcel out pieces of himself, hiding them away when they fail to serve him. ] And easier for you not to hear it.
[ nevermind that it felt altogether too late to deny long before this, even if nikolai finds it difficult to accept. kaz bows to steal a kiss, gentle but intent, expecting nikolai to help him overcome the awkward angle by meeting him in the middle. a small price to pay, really, when kaz has answered three questions in a row for his highness. ]
Well, we certainly can’t have anyone thinking you’re crooked. [ a brief laugh covers his sudden disappointment. does that mean he won’t come? he’s rather attached to the notion of kaz in the palace — in his chambers — despite only having just procured the idea. he does want to coax kaz into a lake somehow, and he wonders if all of ketterdam’s waters are as dirty as its harbors. surely not. kaz squints down at him as nikolai tries to relinquish his foolish wants, the selfish desires of a boy never satisfied, always hungry for more. you’re drunk. everything feels like the end of the world, especially the way kaz’s hand stills in his hair. kaz isn't even asking him proper questions anymore, horrid at this game just like zoya is.
giving up on trying to grasp the bottle, he holds kaz’s gaze instead, letting the words hang between them. i did. much harder to work with than i do. captain ghafa reminds him of dominik, in a way — more violent, to be sure, but good-hearted. dominik had blossomed from frightened to resolute, and though ravka may have bled him of his optimism, he retained the honor that nikolai has watched fall away from so many others. he lost his a lifetime ago, abandoned by the wayside when he realized he'd pull any dirty trick he needed to in order to rescue his country from his family. the wraith has it, too. honor. maybe it's why he wasn't allowed to keep dominik at his side. maybe it's why kaz isn't with her, either.
kaz's grip slides down to cradle the base of his skull, a curious thing if he's not going to — oh. he is going to. he wants to close his eyes, to turn away from his words, and kaz somehow seems to know that, too. maybe he's getting predictable in his misery — a misery that kaz makes him forget, and then reminds him of just as quickly. he can't have this. maybe the heart will give him a moment of respite, but it can't last. he's realized now that the darkling's curse is as timeless as the man himself. there is no breaking it.
it's you i wish to steal for myself. the words loop through his mind as his heart leaps into his throat. why is he making this real? as if it wasn't real before. he's rising to kiss him before he can think to stop, meeting the press of his mouth, the sweetness of brandy on his lips. has kaz kissed him first before? he doesn't remember. all of their kisses bleed together, the way his stomach drops with the sweet ache of longing, somehow both reckless and careful at once with the way he handles him — reckless in how he pushes him, careful not to tip him over into waters too deep to fish him out of. (reckless in that too, sometimes.) ]
What do you have against easy, Brekker? [ a quiet murmur, muffled into a kiss. it's always like this. once he starts kissing him he can't stop, never wants to stop. it's the only right thing that happens lately. the only time he ever feels good is when he's with him. he strains higher, a warm, clumsy hand coming to settle at kaz's cheek as he seeks more of his mouth, more of this fleeting bliss even as he reminds himself that he can't stay. an ache pulses in his chest, his fingers curling into the soft fall of kaz's hair as a tremor grips his bones. regret. no, he doesn't regret this, will never regret this. his heartbeat is just rapid again, his breath growing short. his body rebelling against the poison he feeds it each night.
he presses into the kiss for a moment longer before breaking away, this time successful when he reaches for the bottle, liquid sloshing in a messy swallow. with some effort, he reorients himself. back to the wall, the bottle loosely held in the fork of his thighs. he's here again and kaz is there. no good. setting the drink aside, he winds an arm around kaz's waist and hauls him rather ungracefully into the space between his legs instead. it feels a little like moving a stray cat that doesn't want to be moved. probably could have just asked him to come closer. ]
Come to Ravka with me. [ a hushed appeal as he fits his chin in the slot of his good shoulder, warm breath soaking into his dark hair. he closes his eyes, gently brushing a kiss to the shell of his ear. it feels like the first time all over again, kaz bleeding in his bed, somehow compelled to offer up a secret that nikolai could never have known would change everything. stay with me just a little while longer. it's the same even now. ] I hear Sturmhond is quite good at smuggling in precious cargo, and I promise no one will draft you into any untimely wars. I just want a handful of days with you. Just you. I haven't been able to be selfish in so long, not in this way, and I'm rather taken with the notion of just being ordinary for a moment.
[ a handful of days to say goodbye. he draws in a tight breath, then pushes the thought from his mind, a grin at his lips as he tilts kaz's face toward his. ] Will you allow me to show you what I can do as an ordinary man? Not a king, not a captain, but just someone who wants to whisk a boy he fancies off to a land that doesn't smell like people piss regularly in the streets? At least the palace doesn't smell that way. Can't say the same for our neighboring cities, but nothing is perfect, nothing except for me and my face.
Edited (do not look at my nitpicking) 2021-07-21 00:00 (UTC)
[ despite his confession, kaz knows a boy like him can’t stay in nikolai's light. regardless of the mission and any shared feelings — even if nikolai were as ordinary as his dreams — kaz’s devotion to his city, his gang, his work with inej are anything but. he remains a monster of a different kind. you can’t keep people. he certainly never had the hands required to hold onto anything. it still hurts, to hear nikolai acknowledge that impossibility, hidden by the persistence of a second kiss and then a third. neither of them is rich in hope, but kaz — he has faith nikolai can pull himself out of the darkness swallowing his head and heart, despite all evidence to the contrary (including the scars stitched into his skin). that’s the thing about faith. you offer it before someone earns it, otherwise it isn’t faith at all. nikolai may never rid himself of the demon, but he will control it again. isn't that all anyone can do with the worst parts of themselves?
kaz feels the tremor in his hand and hears the shortness of his breath, unsure whether he should be insulted nikolai has chosen brandy over closeness. suddenly, it’s impossible not to think of how nikolai had stumbled upon entering this room. it strikes him, then, that nikolai has been unravelling quicker than he thought while he was busy sulking. his stomach flips. focus split, he only realises what nikolai means to do as it’s happening, brows arching high as he winds an arm around nikolai’s shoulders in turn.
come to ravka with me. a shudder overtakes him, either from the request or the brush of nikolai’s mouth. captivating though it is, it’s a boy’s fantasy — a prince’s, too. kaz hasn’t wanted for an ordinary life since the rietveld brothers (nobodies, pigeons) drowned in the harbour. he wouldn't know what to do in ravka, with nothing to occupy him but nikolai, even for a short while (hardly knows what to do now, in his own damn bed). still, he probably looks as stupidly infatuated as he feels, with the romantic possibilities lancing through the black tide of his thoughts. his features slacken as he thinks, you fancy me? stalling on his answer, his eyes squeeze shut, then crack open. ]
[ quiet but sure. ] Ask me again in the morning, and I’ll say yes. [ his mouth hooks high on one side. ] On my word as a liar and a thief, I’ll swim in some Ravkan lake and steal from your ancestral home. [ if nikolai remembers, if he still wants it by sunrise. rather than explain the wait, he kisses nikolai with purpose, open and hungry, and tugs him flush, bypassing a vision of the dead. ask me again, when i’ve found you that miserable heart tempts his tongue. he already ran the odds. kaz will do whatever it takes to retrieve the damned relic; nikolai won’t. that’s easy maths. another disagreement will separate them before he ever has to make good on this promise.
and if nikolai doesn’t ask, well, kaz won’t hold this troubled boy to his tipsy, sleep-deprived, desperate wants. already made that mistake on the beach. he won’t repeat it, even if he’s the same heartsick fool. barely dulled by his single drink, he allows his own version of nikolai’s fantasy to form before letting it go. entwined fingers, the sound of nikolai’s true laugh, more nights as close as this — a few days wouldn’t be enough for you. thieves always want more. it’s hard enough to stop kissing nikolai whenever they start.
his hold firms, fitting his other hand between them to roll nikolai onto his back and swiftly straddle him at the waist. inevitably, his knees ache, but the shift is better than leaving his legs extended for too long, and it banishes the corpses momentarily. kaz gathers nikolai’s hands, gently pressing his wrists above his head as he leans over him. ]
[ not unkindly, ] You can’t sleep here, but you can rest. You will. [ a beat for that demand to settle. the angle and sharpness of his face emphasise his severe lines. ] Move however feels good, touch me if that’s what you want, [ releasing his wrists, kaz cups his face instead, fingers fanned out like nikolai is a precious thing. ] but all I want is to touch you, and for you to let me.
[ another needy kiss before he tips off-centre, mouthing over and under nikolai’s jaw, lingering in the hollow of his throat. the hand on his good side fists in the sheets, shouldering the weight so the other can ruck up nikolai’s shirt. they might not make it as far as os alta together, but he has nikolai in his room tonight. kaz knows to seize the bird in hand. always. ]
[ he sinks to the bed with a soft smile, teeth catching his bottom lip. it's as good as a yes. he intends to ask again, intends to show him gardens and lakes and the way the sun and the moon share the sky on summer nights, if he can time this right. he intends to take him apart in his sprawling bed, to slip into the water with him and try to bleed a bit of his fear away. maybe kaz will hate all of it, too much light and sun and fresh air for someone used to ketterdam's dreary skies. maybe he'll get to see the flushed little strip of sunburn across his nose again. ]
I cannot guarantee your safety if Zoya catches you stealing, and I'd advise you to keep your hands off of any sapphires you might find. She likes those. [ what will zoya say when he declares kaz brekker a guest of the crown? unknown. nothing good, but surely something entertaining (to him, perhaps not kaz). he stretches pliantly when kaz pins his wrists above his head, eyes glowing a hazy amber in the lamplight as he watches him steadily. kaz seems so sure that he can rest, so much that nikolai wants to tip over into the territory of believing him. maybe this is it. he feels strangely content now, his greed fulfilled with a promise. ]
Is that what you want? [ a quiet murmur, lips curving. kaz voices his desires more often now — demands them, sometimes — and maybe it doesn't register to him anymore, but nikolai still notices every time. to touch you. expected. for you to let me. perhaps he does have a habit of hijacking these moments with his eager hands, hard to control the way he wants and wants and wants. harder still when he knows kaz wants it too, has never had the means to have it before, years of quietly burning need caged inside of him for — only the saints know how long. knowing all of that, he can hardly be expected to keep his hands off of him, to abstain from coaxing those soft cries and full-bodied shudders out of him again and again. he has so many years to make up for, after all. so much untouched want inside of one boy.
but kaz has already given him something precious. hope. he can give this back to him, something that he wants. a chance to explore his own need with his own hands. another step. kaz can map out his own path of stones now, with a safe place to land if he falters. something honeyed swells in his chest when they kiss, growing even sweeter when kaz's mouth trails down his jaw and presses to his throat. he arches, lips parted around a quiet sigh as kaz bares the planes of his stomach, muscles tightening. one hand comes down, fingertips dragging along kaz's side and trailing lower along the length of his thigh. ]
How do you want to touch me? [ his other hand reaches up, blackened fingers running along the sharp cut of kaz's cheekbone, pushing into his hair and coming back down to trace his mouth. he slips a finger gently past his lips, stilling briefly, then slowly past his teeth to seek the tip of his tongue, warm, wet. want pools in him, hooking his finger as he pulls kaz gently down to him. can't help himself. a rueful smile, fingertip stroking the soft pad of his tongue before sliding away, his hand leaving a wet trail down his own bare stomach. ] Have you thought about having me like this? Tell me.
[ a teasing lilt, sharp-edged. ] My darling Nikolai, I wouldn’t be so specific about what shouldn’t be stolen, unless you want me to take it. [ at least one sapphire will go missing now, though he’ll have to pick strategically to avoid public electrocution in the little palace. you’re not actually going. right. ] I once thieved jewels from the inlay of a mercher’s gaudy necklace in the middle of a party.
[ and no one noticed until it was too late. that had been when he was still a boy to per haskell, not yet a lieutenant, and needed to bring him shiny tokens of his loyalty to keep free use of the other dregs, still earning both his reputation and his keep. haskell had been happy to call him son then, before he became a contender for his seat atop the dregs. why think of that now? nikolai’s contemplative disposition is catching.
he packs away thoughts of anyone but nikolai, stretched attractively beneath him as kaz murmurs his agreement into their next kiss. yes, this is what he wants. wouldn’t have said so otherwise, with how difficult it is for him to admit specific desires. notices every time he asks for something because he never asks for things, even outside this need. early on, he learned that if you want something, you have to take it.
except in this, where it’s better to have nikolai give this to him, pliant under the arc of his hands, breath warm in his ear. it occurs to kaz that for the first time neither of them are injured. they’re just here, together, because they want to be. just as quickly, he throws out the thought. nikolai sends heat sparking up his thigh with the drag of his finger, even over covered skin. if it weren’t guaranteed to be too much, too fast, kaz would strip them both down. isn’t that what all of this has been? despite his previous demands, he follows the gentle pull of nikolai’s hand, mouth parting on a soft moan around his fingertip. his skin is too hot, feverish, but kaz holds his gaze, lidded eyes tracking the wet trail nikolai leaves for him.
does he mean just this? nikolai on his back. or about charting that path with his hand, mouth — or using his mouth to — to — the answer is the same, of course, having thought of little else in this room, in this bed, than nikolai lantsov. kaz swallows thickly and nods. ]
Think about you all the time. [ a hushed admission. dangerous, because he might want this too much, more than nikolai is prepared to take. he pushes nikolai’s shirt higher, palm smoothing over his chest, bare thumb catching on one nipple and sliding back to roll it between his uncalloused fingers, incited by the memory of nikolai touching him there. his slow, intent movements are near reverential. would compliment nikolai if he had the words for it. impossible to say whether it’s easier or harder to fight the undertow like this, with less doubling sensations to distract or overwhelm him. he lifts his hips to move lower down nikolai’s sturdy frame, weight easing onto his knees. mouth faintly curved, more sly than anything else. ] Sometimes like this.
[ sometimes other ways. he bows his head to tongue his way from the edge of nikolai’s trousers up the centre of his chest, against the grain of his fine hair. better that he didn’t drink much, buzzed from the headiness of contact. his loose shirt slides down to his shoulders, exposing the dip in his spine, as scarred there as everywhere else from barrel scraps, with fresher bruises along his back from their fall. relying on others, including grisha healers, to fix your hurts will only make you soft.
kaz licks over his other nipple with the tip of his tongue. if nikolai likes his mouth, then he’ll have it. ]
Edited (typos every day of my life x 2) 2021-07-22 13:39 (UTC)
[ a smile quirks at his lips, his eyes brightening despite kaz eagerly signing off on his own deathwish. kaz has shared more than he deserves about his life, but largely about the bad, the things and people he's lost. he knows very little about his day-to-day and the years that led to it. he isn't sure how one steals jewels straight from someone's neck in a crowded room, but it reminds him that for all the things that kaz has not been able to bring himself to do, there are a hundred other things that nikolai could never hope to pull off. talented hands. ]
Perhaps I should hide one in my mouth for the express purpose of stealing. [ kissing kaz brekker in the little palace should not be so high on his list of priorities, and yet it is. kaz might have some qualms about his reputation, but nikolai certainly doesn't, having long since let those go. there's little damage control to be done after public outing himself as a bastard and a monster, and abdication, he can reluctantly admit, has come with its fair share of perks.
like this. the pad of kaz's finger sending shivery curls of pleasure through him. how has he never noticed the peculiar softness of his nimble hands? kaz has touched him before, to be sure, but not like this. not with so much intent, with so little distraction. not with nikolai graciously keeping so still, a feat he hopes kaz knows does not come easy to him. but there is some appeal in this stillness, a heightened sense of feeling. something new. something he's never stopped to allow himself to experience before. think about you all the time. does he? his eyes slide shut, his breath spooling out of him as his cock twitches in his trousers. ]
I think of you, too. [ barely a whisper. his hips nudge gently against kaz's mouth when he makes contact before he settles, stained fingertips rising to card through his dark hair. hazy eyes look down, kaz's pale skin standing out against his sunkissed tan, and nikolai thumbs at the buttons of kaz's shirt, letting it fall open, the fabric gliding down his skin. kaz is all hard lines and lean muscle, tattoos stark, scar tissue glinting in the light. he wants to tip him onto his back, to crush their mouths together, to trace the inside of his thighs with his tongue, but he forces his mind to still, cupping the nape of kaz's neck to keep the warmth of his tongue pressed to the tender bud of his nipple, a breathy groan in his throat.
he's always been a giver, and when he's in the mood for receiving it tends to be a rough, chaotic thing. not like this. it strikes him that no one has ever given to him quite like this before, with such careful motions and rapt attention to his body. his fingertips touch the edges of the dressings on kaz's shoulder, hiding the festering wound beneath. he hasn't complained about it, hasn't even mentioned it without nikolai's prompting. such care with his body when nikolai has been so reckless with his. he traces the bruises down his back with a feather-light touch. ]
But I've never thought of this. [ something too quiet for his unquiet mind to cobble together. ] You touching me this way. Many other ways. Just not this one.
[ he pulls kaz's shirt away, letting it slip to the floor, his fingers roaming along his skin — less teasing and more adoring, lingering over his scars and tracing lines of muscle as if he's committing them to memory. his touch winds up back at his face, nuzzling gently at his cheek and then combing through his hair, want making his fingers unsteady. kaz's breath against his wet skin sends a shiver racing down his spine. it's so little and so much at once, his mind trying to make sense of how this can have such an effect on him. he wants to say something, to demand another truth, but all that comes out is a quiet moan, his fingers skimming desperately over the small of kaz's back, trying to pull him closer. ]
Please. [ he is not one to beg, but the word comes out like it belongs there. please what? kiss me touch me have me. ] I want you. I — Kaz — please. I want you more than anything.
[ can't help but bark a laugh, at the thought of nikolai acting ridiculous to get his attention, his mouth. you have it, you handsome fool. maybe it’s about enjoying it rather than enticing him all over again. he thinks of crowding nikolai against the garish, ornamental walls of the palace, of the inevitable pushback. in his fantasy, someone sees, and it's over. no, in his fantasy, it’s just the two of them, an entire world to themselves. unreality.
pride sparks inside him, lighting up his chest as nikolai confesses to the same, ceaseless thoughts of him — or different ones. oh. that suffuses him with sunlit warmth, persisting even as nikolai’s wandering hands make him shiver. kaz wants to know nikolai’s every yearning thought, charting where their desires overlap and diverge — doubling their possibilities, no doubt. can’t think of a wrong way to be with him or of it being too much, when the very act of touching him should be impossible. ]
I’ll consider that an achievement. [ mouth quirked on both sides for a change, dead pleased. another break from the suffocating heat of skin to skin worsens the danger, tugging nikolai’s shirt over his head and tossing it aside. ] My way suits you. [ kaz kisses across his chest to the opposite side, wetting his nipple and blowing cool air over it. his words are as close as he dares get to calling nikolai beautiful like this, which he is, all saints. lined and bronzed, as everyone would dream a prince to be. better than that, he’s finally stripped raw, as kaz has been from the start. and if nikolai has never thought of this, perhaps he’s never been in this compliant state before, either, not for anyone else. something possessive twinges in his gut.
a brief reprieve as he eases up to help remove his own shirt, while nerves and sense-memory churn his stomach. stills, for a moment, before continuing his diligent work, pleased vibrations in his mouth from nikolai giving into his demands and encouraging his efforts. his skin burns with every light touch to his body, softer than anything they’ve shared to this point.
kaz mouths down to suck a mark on his stomach and then another, lower. both hands follow after, the pads of his fingers pressing into the bruises he left. an unhurried, indulgent wish to map and keep this topography in his mind, like the impression of schematics on paper, interrupted only by nikolai urging him higher — closer in deed and word. naming him kaz, not brekker, loops the string around his neck. i want you more than anything pulls him up, breathless, the very thing he hadn’t been brave enough to say himself. kaz leans over him, weight settling to roll his hips where he’s already half-hard, tightly controlled despite the want and fright gnawing at him, breath hitching. bends, then, to catch nikolai’s mouth in an achingly slow kiss. patience has always been his ace. a willingness to wait for revenge, opportunity, this. ]
You have me, Nikolai. [ promised before a second, more desperate kiss, moan drowned in the depths of it. nikolai has never begged before, seems unlikely to do it again, and kaz feels greedier for the challenge. ] I have you. You’re doing so good for me. [ his hand slips between them, rewarding nikolai by pressing his palm over his cock. keeps it there, so he has something to push against. a faint murmur, forced from his throat — ] Want you just as much.
[ more than anything. if he could, kaz would promise nikolai whatever he wants, everything left inside his ruinous person, but he can’t. arousal oils his joints. fear stiffens them. he drops a parting kiss at the corner of his mouth before drawing down, pushing nikolai’s legs apart to settle between them, patience lost in his eagerness to mouth over nikolai’s clothed cock. you can do this. ]
Will you think of me this way now? [ glancing up through his lashes, as he unlaces nikolai’s trousers and pushes them down, just enough to kiss the exposed divot of his hip and bite the top of his thigh. ] Nikolai. [ eyes bright and gravel-rough voice thick with need. his tongue darts out in anticipation. ] Do you want my mouth?
[ kaz finds his hand to interlace their fingers, the same as nikolai did for him. ]
[ he can feel the rumble in kaz's throat vibrating onto his skin where his mouth drags over him, leaving a wet trail he cools with his breath — saints, where did he learn that, something like a mewl rising in his throat at the hot and cold sensation. my way suits you. he has no idea what suits him when it comes to other people, far more preoccupied with making himself into what he thinks they want, what they need. what does kaz need now? this is different from every other time — from any other time, leaving him grasping for solid footing, wondering what he's supposed to be. a prince, a king, a soldier, just a man? reckless, brave, good, monstrous? what does kaz need him to be?
sharp pinches of pain blossom beneath kaz's mouth where he sucks bruises into his skin, a gratified breath cascading from nikolai's lips, the sensation grounding him. his eyes flutter open, watching kaz's lithe fingers move across his stomach. then he's here, poised above him, and nikolai surges up to meet him, a soft groan swallowed into their kiss. another when kaz's hand presses between his legs, his hips rising insistently in search of his touch. can kaz possibly want him as much as he does right now? it's all-consuming, scorching him from the inside out, desperation filling every part of him. saints, he wants him. he'll die if he doesn't have him, if kaz suddenly changes his mind and comes to his senses and realizes he doesn't need him after all. just like his family, his crew. just like ravka.
he tries chasing his mouth when kaz breaks the kiss, his head falling back against the pillow when he slips from his reach. is this it? is this the end? he shuts his eyes, trying to quiet his mind again, trying to find his way through the cloying need trembling through him. there’s nothing here to hide behind, no mask or armor to shield himself with now that he’s confessed to the depth of his desire. what does kaz need? that’s the important thing, that’s what’s always been the important thing here. if he can just be needed.
he starts suddenly, finding kaz fitting himself between his legs. feels his warm mouth though the fabric of his trousers, over his straining cock, a shuddering breath tumbling out of him. saints, he looks like a vision. hair falling around his face, dark lashes framing the midnight sky of his eyes, pink tongue whisking past his lips. he’s never wanted like this before, his cock already leaking for attention even while kaz pulls his trousers down torturously slow, inch by miserable inch, an answer for all the times he’s eked out every bit of pleasure and more from kaz’s overstimulated body. he sucks in a steadying breath, briefly squeezing his eyes shut before meeting his gaze, forcing himself to focus. if he was being good, if kaz liked the thing that he was, then he wants to be more of that. wants to earn that praise again. ]
Yes. [ a hushed reply. he reaches out with trembling fingers, traces the line of his dark brows, feels the gentle rock of waves beneath them. a flush rises up his chest, creeping up his throat. yes, he’ll think of him like this, settled between his legs like he belongs there, a place he couldn’t have imagined he could go when they first met. pride pulls at his mouth, a soft smile reaching all the way to his eyes as something warm unfurls in his chest, something he’s felt once before, so many years ago that he isn’t quick to put a name to it now. his hand curls around his ear, trailing down his jaw to the point of his chin, thumb pressing to his bottom lip, gently nudging in-between to wet the pad of his finger against his tongue. ] I can’t stop thinking about your mouth. How it feels on me. How it might feel on every part of me. If you —
[ another breath, his brow briefly creasing before he glides his wet thumb across kaz’s cheek, letting him go. he meet kaz’s hand the moment he sees him reach out, winding their fingers together and squeezing in gentle reassurance, as much for himself as for kaz. ] All the parts that you want.
[ every uneven breath, each strained sound, the shaking need in nikolai’s body, all spur kaz on. nikolai deserves to rest, to feel as good as kaz has every time since the first kiss. can’t imagine how foolish everyone who let him go must be, momentarily forgetting he’ll have to do the same. nikolai looks, well — sort of dazzling, with a smile like it’s just for him and not for show — as if kaz has finally done something right instead of causing him worry pain hurt. dishevelled and disarmed, with a spray of freckles at his hip that kaz doubts many know and remember. he resolves not to forget it.
that secret yes washes over him, cleansing him of nerves. he stills so nikolai can touch him, colour striping in his cheeks. his mouth crooks high enough to nick those wandering fingers as they pass. even this would have been too much, weeks prior, without months of smaller touches with his crew, building upon the forced confrontation of his fears at the ice court and all that followed. more than anything, his determination (his courage) has firmed, with someone to challenge him to best this and reward him when he does. he curls his tongue around nikolai’s fingertip, imagining what he’s about to do — what he very much wants to do, desire molten in his veins. ]
Every part. [ an immediate reply, given in a rush of air, helpless and true. ] All of you. Just you, Nikolai. [ hadn’t he said that already, in a drowned haze on the shore? kaz meant it then, and he means it now, echoing the squeeze of his hand. does everyone touch like this? a constant, comforting point of taction. surely most barrel residents refrain from such softness. ] I’ve never — [ wanted anyone like this, all-consuming, immolating. don’t. ] Not this.
[ a lesser truth, fragmentary as all his others. nevermind that nikolai already knows he won't have done this for anyone else. kaz drags his trousers down his legs, paler than the rest of him. despite his attempts at memorising these hidden parts of nikolai, he’s never been this lucid or focused before. his gaze roves every inch of him, settling on his cock. the spike of want for exactly this shocks him. his breathing shallows, voice low. ]
But I’ve wanted to all day. And before that. [ a taste of the fantasies that have filled this room, this bed, before nikolai occupied it himself. lying between his legs, he anchors their linked hands on nikolai’s thigh and inclines his head to lick at the tip of his cock. you'll be fine. thinks that even if he’s miserable at this, it probably won’t take much to get either of them off. just as nikolai did, he kisses along the underside, tasting salt and sweat but not — the other thing. rot. it shouldn’t surprise him that this touch fails to ruin everything, but it does. although he doesn’t believe in gods or saints, he knows how the world punishes those who want too much.
his legs finally relax, spine smoothing out. a flick of his shark’s gaze back to nikolai as he repeats the same trick as last time, dragging his tongue over his palm before grasping the root of nikolai’s cock. a few quick pumps, thumb swiping wetness from the head to slick his grip. nothing left to do but inhale a shivery breath and guide it into his waiting mouth. his eyes shutter, closing out one sensory pathway, even though sight helps him hold the present moment. kaz swallows him down partway, meeting his hand in the middle. isn’t sure about restricting his airways, letting his breath come and go, but he likes the heft on his tongue, pressing back to better feel the shape of it, different from nikolai’s fingers. heat radiates out from the base of his spine.
he pulls off with a low groan, nimble fingers taking the place of his mouth. ]
Want to give you everything back. [ hurried now, even hoarser than usual, expression cracked open. ] Anything you want. [ even with so little of himself left, latched away in cold, dark corners long ago. but you can’t go to ravka, not with someone who can’t keep him or be kept in turn. saints, he wants very badly to let nikolai have and discard him, anyway. if he went, kaz could kiss him in the water he likes so much, in the sun that burnishes nikolai but pinks his skin. focus. kaz leans forward to lick up and down his length again. more confident taking it in his mouth for the second time, relaxing his jaw and managing a deeper glide. ]
[ every part. all of you. is that really true? can it be? no one has ever wanted so much of him before, seen so many of his hidden parts and made such a hefty claim. hardly has time to pick apart the thought before kaz's tongue flicks out, electrifying the tip of his cock. it takes everything to keep his hips still, muscles flexing across his stomach, and then he feels the softness of his lips, kissing along the length of him, sweetly tentative. it means more than anything that kaz would do this with him, would trust him enough to allow him in this way. would even want this at all.
his eyes slip shut when wet, nimble fingers work him over, and a rush of breath escapes him when kaz's mouth takes over, feeling him out with careful, measured motions. his mind knows nothing but soft, wet heat, hesitant breaths running along the spit collecting on his cock as kaz tastes him, acclimates himself to the feeling of this. it's overwhelming already — and he knows it must be the same for kaz in more than one way. are the waves lapping at his feet at such close, intimate contact? different from kissing, different from touching. he tightens their clasped hands. ]
Good. [ he slips a hand into his hair, gently brushing it from his eyes, thumb dropping to stroke the stretch of his mouth. ] Just like that. It's good.
[ and it is. he's achingly hard just from this, their eyes briefly meeting when kaz speaks in his scrape of coarse gravel, made rougher with desire. a hefty promise that stills the breath in his lungs. he wants to say that he didn't do any of this to get anything in return, that he wanted for kaz to experience touch and pleasure and the fulfillment of the desires caged within him. that he wanted to kiss him and hold him and take him apart. still does, maybe always will. he swallows, a hard groan in his throat when kaz's mouth descends upon him again, sinking him deeper into his cavernous heat. fingers curling in his hair, he lifts his hips gently and guides kaz into a careful rhythm, pausing between each glide past his lips, watching him through the flutter of his sandy lashes. ]
I've never — [ he exhales, a soft shudder as he eases his cock out, glistening and swollen past kaz's flushed lips. he's had countless mouths on him over the years, boys and girls in warm beds and dark corners of seaside taverns and once in the back of a lecture hall, hurriedly between classes, but nothing has ever felt quite like this. nothing so tenuous, so quietly fevered, so much more than just pleasure drawing him into this. a tinge of pink flushes kaz's cheeks, concentration pulling at his brows. he licks his lips, hungry to kiss him. ] It's never felt like this with anyone else. Just you. Open, just a little more.
[ his hand heavy in kaz's hair, he carefully eases him down, brows tightening as his cock slides deeper, deeper. his hips shake as his head falls back, breath hissing through his teeth, holding kaz down for a long moment before letting him go, his chest heaving around a gasp. his fingers blindly cradle his cheek, legs bonelessly falling open. ] Fuck. You can — stop if it's too much. It's okay.
[ unintentionally, he starts noticing the things nikolai does that burn him up, too. carding his hair from his eyes so kaz can return his gaze, blues scalding. touching the seam of his lips makes kaz want his fingers, cock, mouth all at once, ridiculous. his praise re-ignites the heat trails down his back. of course kaz fails to restrain a groan, eyes closing to escape nikolai’s frightfully sincere expression. a tender feeling flares behind his ribs when nikolai articulates what he couldn’t — the singularity of this experience, their connection — and turns his stuttering pace into a satisfying rhythm. how is nikolai still so brave, after losing so much? his thoughts shatter and shimmer, incoherent beyond the uniting belief that nikolai is the miracle, a brilliance to him even on his darkest days.
with his hips twitch against the covers and cock straining in his trousers, he would shuck them off, if his attention weren’t narrowed to nikolai, determined to follow his guiding hand and gentle instructions. widening the set of his jaw, pushing himself farther, kaz breathes deeply around him. waits again for the honeyed smell of him to transmute into something sickening. it doesn’t. water ekes at the corner of his eyes, an almost entirely foreign sensation.
a shuddery inhale as he lifts off, sure fingers splaying to fill the slick space behind, fervent strokes to keep nikolai teetering at the edge. kaz weighs the risks, competitive and adoring impulses dovetailing into a rough plan. his eyes slant, a damn near glare — ]
S’not too much. [ bereft of his mouth, kaz smears a kiss at the back of his hand. when he tilts his head upwards to better see nikolai — the attractive arch of his neck and chest both begging to be kissed, touched — his features soften. ] You can’t be. [ it seems vital to tell him that, eyes huge and dark. his touch is trusted (maybe always will be), though the tide continues rocking beneath them and crashing over him. ]
Push me again. [ the tension dissipates from his body, rolling from his shoulders down to his calves, enveloped by nikolai’s attention. kaz swallows as much of his cock as he can manage, the taste familiar and almost good, sucking in a breath without meaning to but, oh, that works too. a pleased little moan. with nikolai’s help, it’s easier — true of many things, at this point — angling back when necessary to pant an open breath, then returning to meet the needy hitches of his hips with his mouth, holding on command. he shifts his hand, rubbing his thumb over the inside of nikolai’s thigh before dragging back to tease his balls.
when he senses nikolai coming apart, his grip on their clasped fingers tightens, urging him onward with quick pulls of his mouth. kaz anticipates a bitter taste, and he isn’t wrong, a startled noise caught in his throat as nikolai jerks into the clutch of his jaw. more stinging water in his eyes. eases off half a second too early but his tongue darts out, quick to make up for it. only stops when nikolai slackens in his hands, rubbing an arm over his face in a haphazard, instinctive movement, white spots still freckling one corner of his mouth. a little dazed despite the flames licking at his insides and pulse skidding under the skin, kaz tips his head into nikolai’s thigh, cognition working furiously to imprint the image of nikolai undone on the backs of his eyelids. his lips feel raw, sensitive, not unlike the satisfying overexertion that follows a perfect score. ]
[ he swallows, trying futilely to catch his breath, trying to grasp his words. you can't be. kaz again offering these reassurances that nikolai isn't sure he should believe. why would he lie? because he has your cock in his mouth. but kaz isn't the same sort of liar that he is, something earnest in his big blue eyes, something real in his words. a demand to be believed. he takes a steadying breath, wets his lips again as he holds his gaze. then kaz is going down again, eagerly, ready to be guided by his hand, and nikolai nearly comes right there from the mere thought.
he doesn't push as hard as he wants to, doesn't try to teach kaz the trick of allowing the tip of his cock to touch the back of his throat — far too much for a first time, impolite to potentially choke him so soon. maybe there will be another time. he's been lucky to this point, and kaz has been open to so much already, soaking it all in like a sponge and learning far faster than nikolai ever expected. even now he bows his head in time to his hips, holding him in his mouth, lips tight and tongue curled sweetly around him, then drags up for a breath with nikolai's fingers tugging at his hair. he watches in a daze until he can't anymore, pleasure mounting, kaz's wandering fingers doing that same little trick that he did earlier back at the cave, drawing a keening moan from his lips. saints, it's too much, the heat of his mouth and the touch of his hand and the feeling of him nestled between his legs like this. his fingers flex in their clasped grip, dragging in ragged gasps of air as a tremor overtakes him, almost, almost, and kaz tips him over with his mouth, the force of his climax spreading through him like hot rivers of melted gold.
what is kaz doing? whatever it is, he doesn't want it to stop. his soft mouth, warm flicks of his tongue. nikolai goes boneless against the sheets, realizing for the first time that they're in a bed. a breath heaves out of him, eyelids heavy while shivers dance over his heated skin. something soft at his thigh. kaz, resting there like he's a pillow, eyes shut. he huffs out a laugh, tugging at his hand. ]
Come here. [ he draws him up, hands cradling his flushed face, carefully thumbing at the moisture having collected at the corners of his eyes, sticking to his dark lashes. his mouth, reddened and plump, the prelude of an ache in his perfect jaw later. he pulls him into a breathless kiss, parting his lips with his tongue to press it gently into his mouth. it's slow and deep, one hand trailing down the curve of his spine, fitting at the small of his back, tracing circles into his skin. ] Let me do this for you. Up. Get undressed.
[ he's insistent, pulling kaz up onto his knees so he can hastily open his trousers, pushing them down and lending a clumsy hand as he has him strip them off. satisfaction hums through him, warm and relaxed, and when he's naked he pulls kaz even higher, maneuvering him so he's spread with one knee pressed to either side of nikolai's pillow, positioned directly above him. he can tell kaz feels exposed, so he's quick to reach up and curl his hands around his thighs, slowly pulling him down as he eagerly tilts his chin higher, easing the tip of his cock into his waiting mouth — already hard from before, aching for attention that nikolai is all too happy to give. his tongue laps out, a soft groan in his throat. ]
Just relax, Kaz. [ his finds his hand again, a familiar anchor, kissing the inside of his thigh and nosing at his soft, untouched skin. ] I'll make you feel good. What you deserve.
[ he takes him into his mouth again, nudging his hips down to get all of him, and drags his lips firmly along his length, up and down in hard strokes. then he eases kaz into his throat, a choked groan, a spring of tears in his eyes as he swallows and pulls back with a shuddering breath. only a quick moment to fill his lungs before he greedily devours his cock again, eyes slipping shut as he loses himself in the heady scent and velvety weight, in the fine tremors he can feel just beneath kaz's skin. ]
[ kaz’s desires split, torn between a want to look at nikolai for hours (taction in two, manageable places) and another, more dangerous wish to press himself against him fully. but even after all that, nikolai proves as demanding as ever, and the decision is made. of course kaz chases the tug of their hands up, breathless laugh echoing back. a fraction of protective space between them persists. for a moment, he lets nikolai examine him, lashes fluttering down as his calloused hands take care. cracks his eyes to steal another glance at nikolai’s contented face, so far from the conflicted figure that stumbled into this room. both versions blink away when kaz meets him for aching kiss. has nikolai ever kissed him like this? impossible to deny nikolai’s hushed insistence, then, especially with his own promises of anything, everything.
by the time nikolai urges him out of his clothes, he’s shivery and sensitive, keyed up on arousal and nerves. immediately, it’s too much, more exposed than he’s ever been, but then this (nikolai) has been too much from the start. (nikolai suddenly touching him all over when he’d only ever thought of their hands.) it isn’t just that nikolai is seeing all of him for the first time, it’s the realisation that nikolai has, in fact, seen him for much longer than that. unsteady on shaky knees, core trembling with need, nikolai’s hazel eyes peel back his pale skin. bit dramatic. not ashamed, no, the flat muscles of his stomach tensing — just overwhelmed.
grateful more than ever for nikolai’s darting pace, his clever tongue on kaz’s cock jolting a gasp from his mouth. eyes shuttering, vision distorting. just relax, kaz calls him back. the kiss inside his thigh both feels like payback and not, teasing but comforting, too. features disarmed and open, his gaze flits down to nikolai looking altogether satiated yet hungry. what you deserve, a precise, quick slash that cuts deeper than he knows. hardly has time to think about it, enveloped by his mouth, but it’ll smart later. no one deserves anything, and he certainly doesn’t deserve this, nikolai’s devoted attentions — but he could work to be more deserving of it, at least. he could go to ravka. maybe he will, if nikolai asks him again in the morning. his hands sweeps over nikolai’s shoulder, up the column of his throat, feather-light under his jaw. ]
Know you will. [ voice full of bass, warmed by nikolai’s efforts to console him without coddling. could have said know you and left it there, an unwavering reason for trusting him. ]
[ his hand gentles into nikolai’s hair, grip firming as he pushes into that slick heat. a whimper slips from his mouth. he alternates between looking down at nikolai in awe and squeezing his eyes shut, mind sinking and floating in turn. dimly aware that he’s been effectively rendered useless by this impressive display of — imagination? expertise? on another level, it’s annoying that he’s been distinctly outclassed, shown up by his royal show off. something he’ll fix in future. presently, he doesn’t stand a chance, keening low in his throat as nikolai sets a deep, relentless pace. his hips arch desperately into nikolai’s mouth. ]
Fuck, Nikolai. Nik — ah. [ always his name in place of sweeter words. won’t beg, allowing only a pleading note for what nikolai is already giving him and clinging to his hand. ] Don’t know how much more I can — [ prying his eyes open to see the way his cock disappears into nikolai’s pink mouth and flashing hot. not long then, a tumult of filthy noises, harsh breathing, staccato moans. it’s an exhilarating rush to his climax, kaz tipping over the jagged ledge to come incredibly fast and intense, broken cry unrestrained. feels a bit like falling, really, except he has a safe place to land. the rigid line of his spine melts, aching thighs spreading wider, softer until he gathers himself.
after sliding his softening cock from nikolai's mouth, kaz swings his good leg off, so he can tip onto his back. the inelegant move faintly irritates old and new wounds. worth it to lie flat, though, regardless of whether nikolai’s been tuckered out for once. no need to unlink their hands, when he’d just join them again, anyway. instead, he slides a palm over his face, fingers carding back through his mussed hair in an attempt to recalibrate. the blue waters of his eyes eventually calm while turned to the ceiling, before alighting on nikolai with a tilt of his cheek into the sheets. ]
I’ll admit I haven’t thought of exactly that before, either. [ delivered across evening breaths, still recovering. ]
[ that kaz feels good is more important than anything right now — it's always important, always something he wants to show him and teach him and remind him of, but especially right now and for wholly selfish reasons. it sets an entirely different sort of pleasure permeating through him, every sound in kaz's throat, every twitch of his muscles, every bit of him laid bare above him. he marvels again at how no one has ever had the chance to see this, that such a lovely sight has been hidden away from the world. how did he get so lucky that kaz chose him, of all people, to be witness to his undoing? not just a witness but responsible for it. a strained sound pulls out of him, his jaw aching and his throat raw, but it's too good to stop. he doesn't dare, meeting the cant of his hips again and again until he earns the pleasure of a sound he's never heard before, a cry that comes too quick and hard for kaz to quiet it like he normally does. it's better than birdsong, better than royal orchestras and even the crash of the sea. he swallows down every drop.
then he's laid out beside him, both of them a mess of worn bodies and humming pleasure. i'll admit. such a precise observation, kaz choosing his words as carefully as always. nikolai smiles a fool's grin at the wooden ceiling, unsure if the rocking he feels is from his ship or a trick of his head. when he glances over his heart leaps into his throat at the sight of kaz's eyes turned onto him, impossibly blue and so still, his own little piece of sky. ]
Then next time — [ he turns, settling onto his side and tucking kaz closely against him, his forehead pressed to his temple as he closes his eyes, fingers trailing down his hip. ] Let's try something you have thought about before. Something you've wanted only in the dark that you haven't told me of.
[ another challenge, but one he doesn't have to meet right away. it's dangerous to lie here like this, sated and warm, mixing brandy and orgasms, the taste of kaz still strongly on his tongue. he searches out his lips for a languid kiss, their fingers still twined together, sweat slicking their skin. dangerous indeed. it's suddenly the worst thought in the world that this moment will have to end, that he'll have to be banished back to his own quarters — alone, as he always is, cold chains biting in his wrists, the bitter taste of death on his tongue to drag him down into cold darkness. so different from the warmth he feels now, the heat of kaz's skin, the pulse of his heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his breath. there's none of that waiting for him when he closes his eyes. sleep has become such an ugly, frightful thing, something he dreads and longs for at once, longs for the way it used to be, peppered with nightmares since his early days at war, but nothing like this.
he exhales into kaz's good shoulder, a shudder passing through him. ] Don't make me go. [ another breath, his words slurred with drink or exhaustion or just his fear getting the better of him. he turns his face into the softness of his throat, nosing beneath his ear, sucking a messy kiss there that's sure to leave a bruise behind. kaz can easily get it tailored away. knows he won't. his voice turns thin and desperate, quietly pressed into his skin. ] Let me stay. Please. It's like dying. Every night. Can't... can't keep doing it. [ he can. he will. he always finds a way even if it makes him miserable. it's his most enduring trick. ] Just make it permanent.
[ next time. will nikolai finally stop trying to expel kaz, or does he mean to do it later — for a final time in ravka? foolish hope kindles inside him, anyway. kaz shifts slightly, intentionally brushing their noses. hardly knows how to return ordinary touches like this, but he wants them just as bad as all the rest, overriding every fearful instinct. when nikolai tugs them into alignment again, he sighs, flushing at the thought of asking for what he wants.
at least kaz notices now when nikolai is about to kiss him, mouth parting, tongue pressing back. already leaning in for another, hand splaying at his jaw and thumb stroking over his cheek. useless thoughts clatter inside him, cavernous mind illuminated by the afterglow of nikolai’s attentions. tell him. what? that he’s good and brilliant and brave? that the darkness, the depths will always have a hold on kaz, but not one so strong that he can’t drag himself into the light and give nikolai the things he deserves. a few days in the sun, a peaceful trip to the water. you don’t know what will follow you out, monstrous things unfit for a shared life. he can’t tame them all, but he could use them to protect nikolai, if that’s what he wanted.
nikolai fits into his shoulder, like the twist of a pick in a lock, and kaz inhales. how many times has he said you know i and finished the thought inadequately? he remembers how inej knew so little of his affections, even when all he could do was think of her. this time, kaz gathers what he can, and — and — nikolai speaks first.
the request carves him open, more fateful than a dagger plunged between them. the fragile possibility of a confession breaks under the weight of the blow. no easy answer comes in its place, though kaz knows he must be denied. his thoughts are scattered by nikolai marking him. a soft sound at the sensation of it, the very thought of it. would it be so terrible to let nikolai have everything he wants? yes. nikolai’s next words scrape the rungs of his ribs. he had known it was agony, abstractly, but to hear the nightmare made reality, like dying every night — kaz squeezes his hand and winds an arm around his back, pressing him closer, closer, closest despite the decay threatening every point of contact. practice holds the shake from his voice. ]
You can keep doing it, you will. Hang on just a little while longer. For me. [ never has please been so close to the tip of his tongue, knocking at his teeth. kaz tilts his head aside to look at nikolai, untangling their hands to cup his jaw and marvelling at how it fits perfectly against his palm. ] You know I won’t fail.
[ does nikolai know? this comfort is built for jesper and inej, the only others he’d take in his hands. whether they were frightened or unsure, kaz knows they would nod, all the faith he has in them turned back on him. but nikolai is different, noticing his mistakes, trying to send kaz away despite his belief that they can find the heart and bring the demon to a heel together. the timeline of nikolai’s suffering tracks along the darkling’s own. it will work, his gut and mind trusted over the doubts of others.
kaz kisses him again, pleading with the desperate pull of his tongue. the fierceness of it pushes his nose into nikolai’s cheek. when they part, he tips their foreheads together once more. ]
Have you wondered why my crows say no mourners, no funerals? [ hushed in his ear, fingers gentling through his hair, soothing at the nape of his neck. jordie must have done that for him, once. he continues without pause. ] It’s because people like me, like them, are as alone in this world as the next. And we always will be. Without families, friends, country. [ if he died, ketterdam would wash his blood off the cobblestones with slats of rain. ] No one will bury us under marble, or leave flowers to remember us. [ they’re nothings, except to each other. he thinks of nina carrying matthias all the way to fjerda, his body lying beneath the snow, never to be visited except in talk and memory. ] So it means good luck. And I promise I won’t die. Not today, not yet. [ he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s cheek. ]
I’ll come find you in the morning, like I always do. [ like he has regardless of whether nikolai opened his skin or heart the night before. ] I’ll kiss the wretched tonic from your mouth. And if you ask me to go to Ravka — [ his breath catches, choking on the truth. ] I’ll say yes.
[ kaz offers up a surprising amount of comfort. didn't think he was capable of it, a thought that doesn't shame him as much as stokes his curiosity to know more of what kaz brekker hides in the quiet depths of his soul. he's a good friend, something he already knew. shows it in his own ways, like his tireless tenacity in looking for this damnable heart simply because he thinks it will save him from this suffering. you know i won't fail. that's not what he's afraid of. kaz will get the heart, one way or another. he's afraid of what lengths he'll go to to obtain it.
he kisses him wordlessly, feeling the plea behind each movement of his mouth, the desperate flick of his tongue. his eyes feel too heavy to open again, but he does all the same, fluttering gently, a sigh pulled from his throat as kaz's fingers slide carefully through his hair, a gesture so intimate he must have learned it elsewhere. someone else touched him this way, a distant thought. it makes him glad. he wasn't always untouched, wasn't always alone. ]
I would remember you. [ whispered back immediately. he brushes their mouths together again, greedy, fingers tracing the length of his spine. knows what kaz is saying but fixates on something else entirely because it's easier to hold onto this than to his dwindling hope. ] I'd build you a tower of marble kruge and have fresh thorny flowers tossed at it daily to pay respects to your memory.
[ from somewhere deep inside, he finds a tired smile. fits his armor back into place. kaz's promises hold so much weight — too much weight than he has any right to ask for. it's been too long that the people he cares for have had to shoulder burdens that should be uniquely his. zoya, wrangling him back night after night. isaak, dying wearing his face. genya, losing david in an attack he failed to stop. how long will this job go on, and how much more will kaz bleed for it? for him? and still he curls into him, holding those promises close because he needs them too badly to do the right thing and put a stop to this. ]
You were mad at me when I first came in here. [ he huffs out a quiet laugh, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. no need to think about what's coming when he has kaz — naked — in his arms like this. there will be plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts, trying to keep his childish fears at bay. he expels a breath, trying and failing to keep his eyes open. ] Say yes now. Give me — [ he swallows, his heart thudding in his chest again. ] I think about you, in Ravka. Us. I have a laboratory there I want you to visit. Those submersibles I threatened The Wraith with, I want to show you one. I want to take you flying. I know I've said Ravka will find a way to bleed you dry, but there are good things there, too. I want to show you them. I want Genya to throw a party at the Grand Palace for no reason other than so we can slip away behind a staircase and do very scandalous things to each other. I want... give me these things to hold onto, and I'll be all right. Promise me a moonlight kiss on the terrace in my bedchambers, and I'll go peacefully to my death tonight. If not, I'll fall asleep here and make you carry me.
[ nikolai’s warm hands trail cool down his spine, a doubling sensation. ]
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
We both know that’s a lie. Haven’t I liked everything I’ve found so far? [ the good things, like the thread of need pulling kaz taut, his budding confidence when it comes to his kisses, his wicked hands capable of the best kind of magic — and the bad has yet to make him turn away, the cold waters deep enough to drown them both. but kaz hasn’t given in, and in moments when nikolai wants to, that thought keeps him tethered here. maybe it’s just foolish competition, or maybe he’s come to find a type of solace in kaz’s strength while his own dwindles.
kaz’s fingers find his pulse, and he tenses just slightly before relaxing again, keeping his hands gently moving. loss, something kaz knows intimately. something nikolai is afraid he’ll reacquaint him with. what happens when you touch me. he finds his eyes again, the clearest blue rimmed with the shadow of his lashes. ]
I’m touching you now. [ differently than most of their other touches. the want that drives him is always there, a darkly smoldering heat running just beneath his skin, but this is something else. a different sort of desire, one that wants to offer comfort, a type of calm that a man like kaz might not find easy to come by. a safe place to land. the same things he’s searching for. ] Tell me what happens, then. Tell me what makes you afraid of it. That’s the next truth I want.
[ he stills again when kaz covers his hand, a gesture he never would have thought would fill him with such a flurry of emotion. he knows why the hand is there the minute kaz broaches his question. he does want to pull away, a barrage of memories passing through his mind faster than one of zoya’s deadly lightning bolts, the overwhelming majority of them moments he wishes he could forget. his parents. his failures. the taste of blood in his mouth. the thorn wood piercing his heart. blood-soaked battlefields and the sound of death all around. he struggles to return to this, grounding himself with kaz’s touch. of course there are good memories. dominik and his smiling face, always marred with his body held lifeless in his arms. his early days as sturmhond, his first grand adventure, the first time he’d created a place to belong. leaving it was painful, though not as painful as watching his crew leave him. he tells himself to stay with the good. to stay here with kaz. he’s had a good life, a life of privilege and favor, more full of light than darkness. so he’s lonely. a foolish thing for a prince to be melancholy about. ]
I used to sneak away from the palace to see — [ when was the last time he spoke his name? it feels like ash in his mouth, like he doesn’t deserve to anymore. all the warmth his parents showed, the way they’d welcomed him as one of their own. he blinks away dominik’s mother’s tear-streaked face. maybe that was the last time he said it aloud, the last time he ever allowed himself to talk about this. he doesn’t want to talk about it now, maybe not ever. you owe him the truth. whether he means kaz or dominik, he can’t say. his hand moves from beneath kaz’s fingers, straying to his ankles as he swallows down the tightness in his throat. ] There are good memories, but I don’t go back to them. I won’t look back. There’s only ever forward for me.
[ a lie he wishes were true. if he says it enough, maybe it will be. his grip travels higher again before he reaches out with one hand to pluck his drink back, taking a swallow before returning it to kaz with a brush of his fingers, his smile returning. ] Memory lane is a dangerous place to wander, as you well know. I do have a rather nice profile when I look mournfully out of windows, though.
no subject
yet for all his unpleasantries, kaz has never given himself over to his wounded rage in nikolai’s presence. the anger makes him formless, taking oomen’s eyes for harming inej and tearing through every associate of pekka rollins. kaz might regret the calculating and awful things that led him here, if only he were less good at them. unfortunately, he’s been capable from the start and only gotten better with practice. that’s what his poison tongue and clever hands are for. not this.
kaz tells himself all that. and then he doesn’t pull away, considering nikolai’s request as he talks. the admission pulls his focus, narrowing it back to the present moment. what did he sneak out to find? no, who? suddenly, he cares very much whether nikolai has had someone else. that someone must have mattered a great deal, if nikolai hadn’t mentioned them earlier, if he won't name them now. ]
Your profile has better lights. [ than mournful. his mouth quirks, as if he knows it’s surprising that he commented on one of nikolai's little distractions at all. ] Inej finds strength in her memories — good and bad. [ a simple statement, the tell of his admiration tucked in the faraway flit of his eyes.] I don’t know how. [ dismissive as the roll of his good shoulder, a shrug, although he’s anything but towards her. speaking of inej contextualises his question; that’s all. for kaz, the measure of love will always be loss. you can’t keep people. they’re not things.
as he prepares to answer nikolai’s question (despite the cheap reply he received, on his turn) his spine straightens. he ungloves his right hand with a flash of teeth and assesses nikolai for exposed skin, fingers fanning out at the side of his neck, cupping the pulse in his throat. a hitch of breath, at the first step into the icy water. his rasp pitches a note higher even as his features tighten into a controlled mask. ]
It’s as if — your hand is just a hand, touching me, but it feels — cold like the corpses. Or hot like the fever. [ he shudders, the worst of the shake in his arm. only by force of will do his eyes stay open. ] I’ll be looking at you, and then you won’t be you — you — you’ll be dead. [ a long inhale. ] Most have seen death. I know you have. [ an apology of a kind, for things he said to nikolai previously. shuttering his eyes, he reaches deep inside himself and opens the hatch. quieter, then. ] But I was with the dead for a long time. [ how long had he been passed out, buried? how long had he been in the water, shriveling? ] And death — it advances quickly. On the body. Colonises it. The eyes — [ that used to look at you with warmth empty into nothing, unfocused, stuck open forever. his mouth twists, lashes twitching against his cheek. he should have closed jordie’s eyes, the ones they share, blue as the summer sky. was that how the ghost slipped out? it takes mere hours for rot to steal the rest, years of life replaced with bloating muscle, decaying skin, protruding bones.
he turns his head, eyes settling on a blank wall when they finally open again. his hand drops to his lap, fingers curling so nikolai can’t study the worst of the dark scars decorating his skin. ]
I think about your luck running out almost as much as you do. [ a callback to the cave. every person he touches, dead in his arms. wouldn’t that frighten anyone? somehow, kaz musters a sideways glare, borderline haughty when he adds, ] You should be grateful I want to kiss you at all. [ with the general morbidity of his romantic personality, atop his own visions of corpses. ]
Will you tell me their name? [ even after giving him jordie and rietveld, after forcing himself to say the unsayable — he doesn’t deserve an answer because no one deserves anything, but he wants one badly. it edges into his voice. ] The person you would sneak away to see.
no subject
You’re treading water every day. [ navigating the corpses that take up space in his mind, trying not to feel their icy touch. he can’t imagine the fortitude it must take to be kaz brekker. he slips his own gloves off and reaches out with one hand to slowly curl their fingers together. ] It took me some time to realize it wasn’t just when I touched you. It's when you look at me, too. It's always. I hope you know that I don't see it as anything less than a miracle that you let me in at all, much less allow me to kiss you. And I try not to believe in miracles, as a general rule.
[ but he's seen too much to rule them out entirely in the way he would like to. even now, he can't rightly say he isn't staring one in the face. it's a miracle that kaz is even alive, after everything he's put him through. his gaze slips to his shoulder before righting itself, a smile flashing across his mouth. ] What a dull thing to think of. Hopefully one day we can both have a leisurely swim in a very peaceful lake. No death. Just us. [ as if death doesn’t follow them both. something earnest pulls at his chest. ] Maybe you’d like to accompany me to Os Alta for a few days when this is over. I’d like nothing more than to show you the sites of my many excellent crimes, and the capital is quite beautiful this time of year.
[ a beat passes with kaz's question poised in the air. a hundred lies come to mind. an instructor, a university dalliance, a townie from any port city he's ever stopped at. a name and a story that never happened at all. kaz can't possibly know the difference. he takes his glass again, drained in one swallow. it doesn't hurt as sharply as several minutes ago, the brandy finally dulling a few of his unbearably jagged edges, enough that he can touch them now, even if they still draw blood. he gets up, his back to kaz as he takes the bottle by the neck, splashing a dash of liquid in his glass before deciding to forego the idea of cups altogether. ]
Dominik. [ the truth edges past his lips before he can stop it. there is the dry observation that perhaps this has been a long time coming. he clears away the lump in his throat with a swig from the bottle. ] His name was Dominik.
[ that's it. he answered the question. and yet slamming the lid on this again feels almost dirty in some way. he wouldn't be the man he is now if not for dominik, every single one of his foolhardy choices always leading back to him and the promise he made on the battlefield. has he fulfilled it? it doesn't feel like enough.
he turns, bringing the bottle to the bed as he settles down again, hands clasping kaz's leg like he needs to keep busy. he resumes his massage, his eyes faraway. what does he even say now? he has never attempted to put what they shared into words. years should have lightened this burden, but he can still feel the weight of him in his arms, how warm he felt even after he stopped breathing. he has never shed so many tears since that moment.
a quick inhale, and then — ] He was my first everything. Friend. Love. Loss. Ravka will bleed you dry no matter who you are — prince or peasant alike she'll acquaint with hopelessness. Dominik was the best of us, but — [ another breath, his hand stilling at kaz's thigh. ] War doesn't care about that. I made a promise to him that I would see our country to peace, to the prosperity that other nations have, and — we're on a steady path to something greater, but there aren't enough years in my lifetime to make Ravka the sort of place that deserves someone like him.
[ he marvels at how he keeps his voice steady, but it doesn't extend to his hands, tightening his white-knuckled grip on kaz's knee to stop the tremor that moves through his fingers before realizing how hard he's holding on. kaz's knee is then replaced with the bottle, liquid sloshing as he swallows down another mouthful before crawling higher on the bed and plopping down beside him with a rush of breath. ]
When you love a thing, the work is never done. [ if he closes his eyes he fears he'll immediately fall asleep, so he keeps them open, finding kaz's gaze from his unceremonious place on his pillow. it smells faintly of him, a fascinating mix of earth after the rain, dreary skies and dark leather. his scarred fingers wind loosely around the bottle, nestled against his side. why is he here when kaz is there? he adjusts his position, sliding his head into kaz's lap while he holds up the bottle to him, hair mussed, his cheeks quickly taking on a ruddy flush. ] Touch me. Not like that — just my face. Get used to the feeling. It doesn't always have to be about kissing or — anything, really. You can touch someone and have it be just that.
[ he gives kaz an encouraging smile, the corners of his mouth tilting slyly. ] What do you feel for Inej Ghafa? I'm no idiot, Brekker. Anyway, Captain Sturmhond is long overdue for a visit to her ship.
no subject
[ lightly, ] You should know better than to let me anywhere near the palace. [ thief, remember? he hazards a glance back at nikolai, features arranged into neutrality, apart from his unguarded eyes. nikolai asks him for mundane things that no one else would dare request: a peaceful swim, a few days rest in the city he loves. can you even give him that? they seem like simple things done for the sake of doing them (for the company), and kaz hasn’t rested for longer than a night in years. even after besting rollins, he hadn’t known how to stop, hollow in all the ways he was at the start — except where his six closest companions filled him up. you could try. nikolai hasn’t spoken hopefully of the future in some time, so it seems vital to encourage him now. kaz squeezes his fingers, thumb swiping over the back of his hand.
he can tell it was the right decision when nikolai tears himself away. kaz curls his fingers again and watches his every jagged movement. dominik. the name alone is enough because anything more should be given freely — and nikolai does just that. he comes back, hands drowning and anchoring kaz all over again. his chest aches, straining with the feeling that wells up when all you can do for someone is listen, seeing the hurt carved into them long ago dragged into the light. grip too tight, words grasping at the twin impossibilities of love and loss. his own halting speech wouldn’t serve him here, so he simply nods when nikolai finally catches his eye again.
as nikolai tips into his lap, he lifts his hands, unsure where they’re meant to go now that their resting spot is occupied. never had someone this close, for this long. he finds himself grateful for the bottle, so he has the excuse of swigging it first. kaz then tips it against the v of his hip and turns a sour look down at nikolai’s hopeful, handsome face. ]
You kissed me first. [ all kaz had done was hold his hand. and look and look and look. he rolls his eyes. ] I’m aware of the concept. [ of platonic touching. he tugs off his still-gloved hand with bare fingers. ] I had an older brother. I have —
[ jesper, whose clothed arm he hadn’t shrugged off his shoulders the last time they spoke and who had been smart enough to say nothing of it. one hand cards back through nikolai’s hair, familiar territory. the tell-tale stutter of his breath and heart both come despite his steeled composure. had he mentioned that jordie was older before? he imagines that he doesn’t seem like a younger sibling, not the way nikolai does.
as the topic shifts to inej, his frown tightens. ]
[ stiffly, ] Captain Ghafa decides who boards her ship. [ and kaz would never dream of influencing it. it’s the site of her freedom. his other hand settles back on nikolai’s throat, an unmistakable threat, though he smooths it higher soon enough, cupping his jaw — and then letting go. he threads their fingers together instead, just to be contrary to nikolai’s instructions. the hand in his hair keeps raking through it, diligent and careful.
admittedly, the idea of inej and nikolai meeting makes kaz want to squirm, although he knows inej would offer little information. nikolai will talk. he's always talking. and inej will ask nikolai about zenik, too, so he won’t have to show his hand. you still haven’t answered the question. he had liked imogen, wanted her since she started laughing at the terrible things he said, doubly so when he saw what she did to the men she didn’t like, but inej... he swallows a breath, adam’s apple bobbing. his gaze tilts up, tracing patterns in the faraway wall. ]
Inej is the best of us. [ purposefully copying nikolai’s words once more, so he understands the meaning without having to say it his own way. kaz thinks about her slight silhouette in his window, her shadow watching over him, the coil of her braid and the warmth of her laugh. ] Ketterdam will never deserve her.
[ and neither will kaz brekker, but she doesn’t need someone deserving. a wholly good man couldn’t have bought her contract, and he certainly wouldn’t be able to do every terrible thing required to help rout out her targets. ]
But she knows where to find me. [ could have stopped that sentence earlier, and it’d still have been true. she knows. everything. him. kaz looks down at nikolai, mouth faintly quirked. ] People are the one thing you can’t steal, Lantsov. You can take them, own them — but they’ll never be yours. [ the dregs haven’t taken on any indentures since he seized control, and they never will again. ] They have to want to come back. [ a beat. ] And you have to let them in when they do.
[ philosopher crook. better to let that sit rather than ask another question. it might just be good advice. ]
no subject
You'll find our coffers of little interest. They're perpetually empty. [ only slightly less than before. a shame, since zoya's terrifyingly beautiful face is now on the money. ] I'll point you in the direction of the gaudiest baubles in the palace. It's far less of a scandal for such things to mysteriously disappear rather than be publicly melted down for very shiny weaponry by a former king and renowned bastard who still manages to live the luxurious life of a lazy royal.
[ his eyes slip shut as he draws in a contented breath at the sensation of kaz's fingers moving through his hair. it's easy to imagine the thing he wants most in this moment — the two of them curled together in this bed, kaz in his arms, his fear of hurting him gone for just one night. maybe it could happen. it feels within reach when kaz ghosts his fingers along his throat, holding his breath when his touch disappears. come back. and he does, their hands joined once more, his brain transformed into that of a besotted schoolboy. vaguely, he thinks of the dangers of growing too attached. too late to protect himself from that pain.
an older brother. another bit of the story revealed, another piece to fit into place. how do they both have dead older brothers? not important. the thing to focus on is the insinuation that kaz has this experience with touch. has had it for years. in a way, it's even worse to know this, that he had this in his grasp, knew intimately of what it felt like, and then lost it for so long. the idea of him holding himself apart from every person he's ever known makes nikolai's chest ache. he tightens his fingers, fights the urge to drag kaz's mouth to his. his vision sways just a little. ]
Captain Ghafa and I happen to already be friends. She quite graciously keeps some very specific matters of international security safe for the crown. [ such as the whereabouts — and identity — of his blessed termite turned fjerdan royalty. a mischievous glint appears in his warm hazel eyes. ] You turned down the invitation to Zoya's coronation, or else you might've been invited into our circle. Or I might've kissed you sooner. Probably for the best that you didn't come. That was a very trying period of time and I was behaving rather recklessly for most of it. In my defense, the palace was bombed, I almost died in another war, and I couldn't tell you the last time I'd slept. That last bit hasn't really changed. Am I still handsome?
[ he thinks about the way kaz talks about the wraith while he babbles on, watches his throat bob and his eyes tilt away. is there want there? there's something. perhaps something purer than he could ever give. he's always known of kaz's specific sort of concern for her — used it as leverage against him, even — her and the other close members of his gang, but her most of all. they have to want to come back. their eyes meet, the blue of his gaze distracting him. does the wraith not want to come back? what transpired between them? but she knows where to find me. quiet longing. he knows it's there. and you have to let them in when they do. something pointed in those words. his unoccupied hand reaches up for the bottle, misses, fingers curling into kaz's hip instead. they linger. ]
Did you wish to touch her? [ slowly, his hand strays to the bottle. ] Do you?
no subject
Everyone in Ketterdam would think me a crooked merch for attending royal affairs. [ such alliances are greedy in a way benefitting the individual and not the crew, displaying an interest in games of whispers and politicking over barter and strategy. ] And for consorting with kings, even the sort they might admire from afar — chiefly the disgraced, bastard kind. [ an amused huff of air, eyes brighter for the reminder that nikolai rarely approaches things from the expected angle. ] But you’ve had worse ideas. [ than inviting him to the palace for the express purpose of thieving heirlooms and valuables. he’s certain he could gather several worthy scores, even with ravka’s pitiful treasury. next time zoya writes, she ought to ask him for financial advice — or maybe he could teach nikolai that aspect of governance, since it seems to elude him. ]
[ canting his head to the side, kaz visibly squints at nikolai — as if to check whether he is still handsome, after all. no time to review his findings, gaze holding steady as the topic slides back to inej. his hand stills. a small crease forms between his brows, more thoughtful than anything else. is this a test? worse, is it an escape route? would nikolai rather hand him off to the wraith than have him here — well, maybe that’s part of it, but kaz has gathered boxes of evidence which indicate otherwise, too. a momentary distraction, then: he finds that he likes the feel of nikolai’s grip where it left a bruise on his hip hours earlier. touching but not touching, skin separated by his grey shirt. ]
I did. [ in addition to his feelings for her — the biggest ones he had to that point, expanding the cage of his ribs. mostly, he had wanted to give her everything she needed to be free. the fact that he had, in fact, touched her seems a private thing to share, even with nikolai, after everything she pushed through to let him close. a steadying exhale before he slides the hand in nikolai’s hair to cup the back of his skull, guiding him up as kaz leans down. ]
What if I say that it’s you I wish to steal for myself now? [ to take have keep, all the things he said were impossible for anyone, let alone someone like him. he won’t say how he looked for excuses to talk to nikolai all week after their fight, or that he struggled again for an innocent reason to visit his room earlier tonight. a tug of their linked hands tells nikolai to sit up straighter, just in case he hasn’t realised what’s happening yet. his voice lowers, a softer grit than usual. ] It would be easier for me not to say it. [ so he doesn’t have to. it can be placed on the shelf beside his desperate confession of need at the inn, so nikolai doesn’t have to face it. kaz has the unparalleled ability to parcel out pieces of himself, hiding them away when they fail to serve him. ] And easier for you not to hear it.
[ nevermind that it felt altogether too late to deny long before this, even if nikolai finds it difficult to accept. kaz bows to steal a kiss, gentle but intent, expecting nikolai to help him overcome the awkward angle by meeting him in the middle. a small price to pay, really, when kaz has answered three questions in a row for his highness. ]
no subject
giving up on trying to grasp the bottle, he holds kaz’s gaze instead, letting the words hang between them. i did. much harder to work with than i do. captain ghafa reminds him of dominik, in a way — more violent, to be sure, but good-hearted. dominik had blossomed from frightened to resolute, and though ravka may have bled him of his optimism, he retained the honor that nikolai has watched fall away from so many others. he lost his a lifetime ago, abandoned by the wayside when he realized he'd pull any dirty trick he needed to in order to rescue his country from his family. the wraith has it, too. honor. maybe it's why he wasn't allowed to keep dominik at his side. maybe it's why kaz isn't with her, either.
kaz's grip slides down to cradle the base of his skull, a curious thing if he's not going to — oh. he is going to. he wants to close his eyes, to turn away from his words, and kaz somehow seems to know that, too. maybe he's getting predictable in his misery — a misery that kaz makes him forget, and then reminds him of just as quickly. he can't have this. maybe the heart will give him a moment of respite, but it can't last. he's realized now that the darkling's curse is as timeless as the man himself. there is no breaking it.
it's you i wish to steal for myself. the words loop through his mind as his heart leaps into his throat. why is he making this real? as if it wasn't real before. he's rising to kiss him before he can think to stop, meeting the press of his mouth, the sweetness of brandy on his lips. has kaz kissed him first before? he doesn't remember. all of their kisses bleed together, the way his stomach drops with the sweet ache of longing, somehow both reckless and careful at once with the way he handles him — reckless in how he pushes him, careful not to tip him over into waters too deep to fish him out of. (reckless in that too, sometimes.) ]
What do you have against easy, Brekker? [ a quiet murmur, muffled into a kiss. it's always like this. once he starts kissing him he can't stop, never wants to stop. it's the only right thing that happens lately. the only time he ever feels good is when he's with him. he strains higher, a warm, clumsy hand coming to settle at kaz's cheek as he seeks more of his mouth, more of this fleeting bliss even as he reminds himself that he can't stay. an ache pulses in his chest, his fingers curling into the soft fall of kaz's hair as a tremor grips his bones. regret. no, he doesn't regret this, will never regret this. his heartbeat is just rapid again, his breath growing short. his body rebelling against the poison he feeds it each night.
he presses into the kiss for a moment longer before breaking away, this time successful when he reaches for the bottle, liquid sloshing in a messy swallow. with some effort, he reorients himself. back to the wall, the bottle loosely held in the fork of his thighs. he's here again and kaz is there. no good. setting the drink aside, he winds an arm around kaz's waist and hauls him rather ungracefully into the space between his legs instead. it feels a little like moving a stray cat that doesn't want to be moved. probably could have just asked him to come closer. ]
Come to Ravka with me. [ a hushed appeal as he fits his chin in the slot of his good shoulder, warm breath soaking into his dark hair. he closes his eyes, gently brushing a kiss to the shell of his ear. it feels like the first time all over again, kaz bleeding in his bed, somehow compelled to offer up a secret that nikolai could never have known would change everything. stay with me just a little while longer. it's the same even now. ] I hear Sturmhond is quite good at smuggling in precious cargo, and I promise no one will draft you into any untimely wars. I just want a handful of days with you. Just you. I haven't been able to be selfish in so long, not in this way, and I'm rather taken with the notion of just being ordinary for a moment.
[ a handful of days to say goodbye. he draws in a tight breath, then pushes the thought from his mind, a grin at his lips as he tilts kaz's face toward his. ] Will you allow me to show you what I can do as an ordinary man? Not a king, not a captain, but just someone who wants to whisk a boy he fancies off to a land that doesn't smell like people piss regularly in the streets? At least the palace doesn't smell that way. Can't say the same for our neighboring cities, but nothing is perfect, nothing except for me and my face.
no subject
kaz feels the tremor in his hand and hears the shortness of his breath, unsure whether he should be insulted nikolai has chosen brandy over closeness. suddenly, it’s impossible not to think of how nikolai had stumbled upon entering this room. it strikes him, then, that nikolai has been unravelling quicker than he thought while he was busy sulking. his stomach flips. focus split, he only realises what nikolai means to do as it’s happening, brows arching high as he winds an arm around nikolai’s shoulders in turn.
come to ravka with me. a shudder overtakes him, either from the request or the brush of nikolai’s mouth. captivating though it is, it’s a boy’s fantasy — a prince’s, too. kaz hasn’t wanted for an ordinary life since the rietveld brothers (nobodies, pigeons) drowned in the harbour. he wouldn't know what to do in ravka, with nothing to occupy him but nikolai, even for a short while (hardly knows what to do now, in his own damn bed). still, he probably looks as stupidly infatuated as he feels, with the romantic possibilities lancing through the black tide of his thoughts. his features slacken as he thinks, you fancy me? stalling on his answer, his eyes squeeze shut, then crack open. ]
[ quiet but sure. ] Ask me again in the morning, and I’ll say yes. [ his mouth hooks high on one side. ] On my word as a liar and a thief, I’ll swim in some Ravkan lake and steal from your ancestral home. [ if nikolai remembers, if he still wants it by sunrise. rather than explain the wait, he kisses nikolai with purpose, open and hungry, and tugs him flush, bypassing a vision of the dead. ask me again, when i’ve found you that miserable heart tempts his tongue. he already ran the odds. kaz will do whatever it takes to retrieve the damned relic; nikolai won’t. that’s easy maths. another disagreement will separate them before he ever has to make good on this promise.
and if nikolai doesn’t ask, well, kaz won’t hold this troubled boy to his tipsy, sleep-deprived, desperate wants. already made that mistake on the beach. he won’t repeat it, even if he’s the same heartsick fool. barely dulled by his single drink, he allows his own version of nikolai’s fantasy to form before letting it go. entwined fingers, the sound of nikolai’s true laugh, more nights as close as this — a few days wouldn’t be enough for you. thieves always want more. it’s hard enough to stop kissing nikolai whenever they start.
his hold firms, fitting his other hand between them to roll nikolai onto his back and swiftly straddle him at the waist. inevitably, his knees ache, but the shift is better than leaving his legs extended for too long, and it banishes the corpses momentarily. kaz gathers nikolai’s hands, gently pressing his wrists above his head as he leans over him. ]
[ not unkindly, ] You can’t sleep here, but you can rest. You will. [ a beat for that demand to settle. the angle and sharpness of his face emphasise his severe lines. ] Move however feels good, touch me if that’s what you want, [ releasing his wrists, kaz cups his face instead, fingers fanned out like nikolai is a precious thing. ] but all I want is to touch you, and for you to let me.
[ another needy kiss before he tips off-centre, mouthing over and under nikolai’s jaw, lingering in the hollow of his throat. the hand on his good side fists in the sheets, shouldering the weight so the other can ruck up nikolai’s shirt. they might not make it as far as os alta together, but he has nikolai in his room tonight. kaz knows to seize the bird in hand. always. ]
no subject
I cannot guarantee your safety if Zoya catches you stealing, and I'd advise you to keep your hands off of any sapphires you might find. She likes those. [ what will zoya say when he declares kaz brekker a guest of the crown? unknown. nothing good, but surely something entertaining (to him, perhaps not kaz). he stretches pliantly when kaz pins his wrists above his head, eyes glowing a hazy amber in the lamplight as he watches him steadily. kaz seems so sure that he can rest, so much that nikolai wants to tip over into the territory of believing him. maybe this is it. he feels strangely content now, his greed fulfilled with a promise. ]
Is that what you want? [ a quiet murmur, lips curving. kaz voices his desires more often now — demands them, sometimes — and maybe it doesn't register to him anymore, but nikolai still notices every time. to touch you. expected. for you to let me. perhaps he does have a habit of hijacking these moments with his eager hands, hard to control the way he wants and wants and wants. harder still when he knows kaz wants it too, has never had the means to have it before, years of quietly burning need caged inside of him for — only the saints know how long. knowing all of that, he can hardly be expected to keep his hands off of him, to abstain from coaxing those soft cries and full-bodied shudders out of him again and again. he has so many years to make up for, after all. so much untouched want inside of one boy.
but kaz has already given him something precious. hope. he can give this back to him, something that he wants. a chance to explore his own need with his own hands. another step. kaz can map out his own path of stones now, with a safe place to land if he falters. something honeyed swells in his chest when they kiss, growing even sweeter when kaz's mouth trails down his jaw and presses to his throat. he arches, lips parted around a quiet sigh as kaz bares the planes of his stomach, muscles tightening. one hand comes down, fingertips dragging along kaz's side and trailing lower along the length of his thigh. ]
How do you want to touch me? [ his other hand reaches up, blackened fingers running along the sharp cut of kaz's cheekbone, pushing into his hair and coming back down to trace his mouth. he slips a finger gently past his lips, stilling briefly, then slowly past his teeth to seek the tip of his tongue, warm, wet. want pools in him, hooking his finger as he pulls kaz gently down to him. can't help himself. a rueful smile, fingertip stroking the soft pad of his tongue before sliding away, his hand leaving a wet trail down his own bare stomach. ] Have you thought about having me like this? Tell me.
no subject
[ and no one noticed until it was too late. that had been when he was still a boy to per haskell, not yet a lieutenant, and needed to bring him shiny tokens of his loyalty to keep free use of the other dregs, still earning both his reputation and his keep. haskell had been happy to call him son then, before he became a contender for his seat atop the dregs. why think of that now? nikolai’s contemplative disposition is catching.
he packs away thoughts of anyone but nikolai, stretched attractively beneath him as kaz murmurs his agreement into their next kiss. yes, this is what he wants. wouldn’t have said so otherwise, with how difficult it is for him to admit specific desires. notices every time he asks for something because he never asks for things, even outside this need. early on, he learned that if you want something, you have to take it.
except in this, where it’s better to have nikolai give this to him, pliant under the arc of his hands, breath warm in his ear. it occurs to kaz that for the first time neither of them are injured. they’re just here, together, because they want to be. just as quickly, he throws out the thought. nikolai sends heat sparking up his thigh with the drag of his finger, even over covered skin. if it weren’t guaranteed to be too much, too fast, kaz would strip them both down. isn’t that what all of this has been? despite his previous demands, he follows the gentle pull of nikolai’s hand, mouth parting on a soft moan around his fingertip. his skin is too hot, feverish, but kaz holds his gaze, lidded eyes tracking the wet trail nikolai leaves for him.
does he mean just this? nikolai on his back. or about charting that path with his hand, mouth — or using his mouth to — to — the answer is the same, of course, having thought of little else in this room, in this bed, than nikolai lantsov. kaz swallows thickly and nods. ]
Think about you all the time. [ a hushed admission. dangerous, because he might want this too much, more than nikolai is prepared to take. he pushes nikolai’s shirt higher, palm smoothing over his chest, bare thumb catching on one nipple and sliding back to roll it between his uncalloused fingers, incited by the memory of nikolai touching him there. his slow, intent movements are near reverential. would compliment nikolai if he had the words for it. impossible to say whether it’s easier or harder to fight the undertow like this, with less doubling sensations to distract or overwhelm him. he lifts his hips to move lower down nikolai’s sturdy frame, weight easing onto his knees. mouth faintly curved, more sly than anything else. ] Sometimes like this.
[ sometimes other ways. he bows his head to tongue his way from the edge of nikolai’s trousers up the centre of his chest, against the grain of his fine hair. better that he didn’t drink much, buzzed from the headiness of contact. his loose shirt slides down to his shoulders, exposing the dip in his spine, as scarred there as everywhere else from barrel scraps, with fresher bruises along his back from their fall. relying on others, including grisha healers, to fix your hurts will only make you soft.
kaz licks over his other nipple with the tip of his tongue. if nikolai likes his mouth, then he’ll have it. ]
no subject
Perhaps I should hide one in my mouth for the express purpose of stealing. [ kissing kaz brekker in the little palace should not be so high on his list of priorities, and yet it is. kaz might have some qualms about his reputation, but nikolai certainly doesn't, having long since let those go. there's little damage control to be done after public outing himself as a bastard and a monster, and abdication, he can reluctantly admit, has come with its fair share of perks.
like this. the pad of kaz's finger sending shivery curls of pleasure through him. how has he never noticed the peculiar softness of his nimble hands? kaz has touched him before, to be sure, but not like this. not with so much intent, with so little distraction. not with nikolai graciously keeping so still, a feat he hopes kaz knows does not come easy to him. but there is some appeal in this stillness, a heightened sense of feeling. something new. something he's never stopped to allow himself to experience before. think about you all the time. does he? his eyes slide shut, his breath spooling out of him as his cock twitches in his trousers. ]
I think of you, too. [ barely a whisper. his hips nudge gently against kaz's mouth when he makes contact before he settles, stained fingertips rising to card through his dark hair. hazy eyes look down, kaz's pale skin standing out against his sunkissed tan, and nikolai thumbs at the buttons of kaz's shirt, letting it fall open, the fabric gliding down his skin. kaz is all hard lines and lean muscle, tattoos stark, scar tissue glinting in the light. he wants to tip him onto his back, to crush their mouths together, to trace the inside of his thighs with his tongue, but he forces his mind to still, cupping the nape of kaz's neck to keep the warmth of his tongue pressed to the tender bud of his nipple, a breathy groan in his throat.
he's always been a giver, and when he's in the mood for receiving it tends to be a rough, chaotic thing. not like this. it strikes him that no one has ever given to him quite like this before, with such careful motions and rapt attention to his body. his fingertips touch the edges of the dressings on kaz's shoulder, hiding the festering wound beneath. he hasn't complained about it, hasn't even mentioned it without nikolai's prompting. such care with his body when nikolai has been so reckless with his. he traces the bruises down his back with a feather-light touch. ]
But I've never thought of this. [ something too quiet for his unquiet mind to cobble together. ] You touching me this way. Many other ways. Just not this one.
[ he pulls kaz's shirt away, letting it slip to the floor, his fingers roaming along his skin — less teasing and more adoring, lingering over his scars and tracing lines of muscle as if he's committing them to memory. his touch winds up back at his face, nuzzling gently at his cheek and then combing through his hair, want making his fingers unsteady. kaz's breath against his wet skin sends a shiver racing down his spine. it's so little and so much at once, his mind trying to make sense of how this can have such an effect on him. he wants to say something, to demand another truth, but all that comes out is a quiet moan, his fingers skimming desperately over the small of kaz's back, trying to pull him closer. ]
Please. [ he is not one to beg, but the word comes out like it belongs there. please what? kiss me touch me have me. ] I want you. I — Kaz — please. I want you more than anything.
no subject
pride sparks inside him, lighting up his chest as nikolai confesses to the same, ceaseless thoughts of him — or different ones. oh. that suffuses him with sunlit warmth, persisting even as nikolai’s wandering hands make him shiver. kaz wants to know nikolai’s every yearning thought, charting where their desires overlap and diverge — doubling their possibilities, no doubt. can’t think of a wrong way to be with him or of it being too much, when the very act of touching him should be impossible. ]
I’ll consider that an achievement. [ mouth quirked on both sides for a change, dead pleased. another break from the suffocating heat of skin to skin worsens the danger, tugging nikolai’s shirt over his head and tossing it aside. ] My way suits you. [ kaz kisses across his chest to the opposite side, wetting his nipple and blowing cool air over it. his words are as close as he dares get to calling nikolai beautiful like this, which he is, all saints. lined and bronzed, as everyone would dream a prince to be. better than that, he’s finally stripped raw, as kaz has been from the start. and if nikolai has never thought of this, perhaps he’s never been in this compliant state before, either, not for anyone else. something possessive twinges in his gut.
a brief reprieve as he eases up to help remove his own shirt, while nerves and sense-memory churn his stomach. stills, for a moment, before continuing his diligent work, pleased vibrations in his mouth from nikolai giving into his demands and encouraging his efforts. his skin burns with every light touch to his body, softer than anything they’ve shared to this point.
kaz mouths down to suck a mark on his stomach and then another, lower. both hands follow after, the pads of his fingers pressing into the bruises he left. an unhurried, indulgent wish to map and keep this topography in his mind, like the impression of schematics on paper, interrupted only by nikolai urging him higher — closer in deed and word. naming him kaz, not brekker, loops the string around his neck. i want you more than anything pulls him up, breathless, the very thing he hadn’t been brave enough to say himself. kaz leans over him, weight settling to roll his hips where he’s already half-hard, tightly controlled despite the want and fright gnawing at him, breath hitching. bends, then, to catch nikolai’s mouth in an achingly slow kiss. patience has always been his ace. a willingness to wait for revenge, opportunity, this. ]
You have me, Nikolai. [ promised before a second, more desperate kiss, moan drowned in the depths of it. nikolai has never begged before, seems unlikely to do it again, and kaz feels greedier for the challenge. ] I have you. You’re doing so good for me. [ his hand slips between them, rewarding nikolai by pressing his palm over his cock. keeps it there, so he has something to push against. a faint murmur, forced from his throat — ] Want you just as much.
[ more than anything. if he could, kaz would promise nikolai whatever he wants, everything left inside his ruinous person, but he can’t. arousal oils his joints. fear stiffens them. he drops a parting kiss at the corner of his mouth before drawing down, pushing nikolai’s legs apart to settle between them, patience lost in his eagerness to mouth over nikolai’s clothed cock. you can do this. ]
Will you think of me this way now? [ glancing up through his lashes, as he unlaces nikolai’s trousers and pushes them down, just enough to kiss the exposed divot of his hip and bite the top of his thigh. ] Nikolai. [ eyes bright and gravel-rough voice thick with need. his tongue darts out in anticipation. ] Do you want my mouth?
[ kaz finds his hand to interlace their fingers, the same as nikolai did for him. ]
no subject
sharp pinches of pain blossom beneath kaz's mouth where he sucks bruises into his skin, a gratified breath cascading from nikolai's lips, the sensation grounding him. his eyes flutter open, watching kaz's lithe fingers move across his stomach. then he's here, poised above him, and nikolai surges up to meet him, a soft groan swallowed into their kiss. another when kaz's hand presses between his legs, his hips rising insistently in search of his touch. can kaz possibly want him as much as he does right now? it's all-consuming, scorching him from the inside out, desperation filling every part of him. saints, he wants him. he'll die if he doesn't have him, if kaz suddenly changes his mind and comes to his senses and realizes he doesn't need him after all. just like his family, his crew. just like ravka.
he tries chasing his mouth when kaz breaks the kiss, his head falling back against the pillow when he slips from his reach. is this it? is this the end? he shuts his eyes, trying to quiet his mind again, trying to find his way through the cloying need trembling through him. there’s nothing here to hide behind, no mask or armor to shield himself with now that he’s confessed to the depth of his desire. what does kaz need? that’s the important thing, that’s what’s always been the important thing here. if he can just be needed.
he starts suddenly, finding kaz fitting himself between his legs. feels his warm mouth though the fabric of his trousers, over his straining cock, a shuddering breath tumbling out of him. saints, he looks like a vision. hair falling around his face, dark lashes framing the midnight sky of his eyes, pink tongue whisking past his lips. he’s never wanted like this before, his cock already leaking for attention even while kaz pulls his trousers down torturously slow, inch by miserable inch, an answer for all the times he’s eked out every bit of pleasure and more from kaz’s overstimulated body. he sucks in a steadying breath, briefly squeezing his eyes shut before meeting his gaze, forcing himself to focus. if he was being good, if kaz liked the thing that he was, then he wants to be more of that. wants to earn that praise again. ]
Yes. [ a hushed reply. he reaches out with trembling fingers, traces the line of his dark brows, feels the gentle rock of waves beneath them. a flush rises up his chest, creeping up his throat. yes, he’ll think of him like this, settled between his legs like he belongs there, a place he couldn’t have imagined he could go when they first met. pride pulls at his mouth, a soft smile reaching all the way to his eyes as something warm unfurls in his chest, something he’s felt once before, so many years ago that he isn’t quick to put a name to it now. his hand curls around his ear, trailing down his jaw to the point of his chin, thumb pressing to his bottom lip, gently nudging in-between to wet the pad of his finger against his tongue. ] I can’t stop thinking about your mouth. How it feels on me. How it might feel on every part of me. If you —
[ another breath, his brow briefly creasing before he glides his wet thumb across kaz’s cheek, letting him go. he meet kaz’s hand the moment he sees him reach out, winding their fingers together and squeezing in gentle reassurance, as much for himself as for kaz. ] All the parts that you want.
no subject
that secret yes washes over him, cleansing him of nerves. he stills so nikolai can touch him, colour striping in his cheeks. his mouth crooks high enough to nick those wandering fingers as they pass. even this would have been too much, weeks prior, without months of smaller touches with his crew, building upon the forced confrontation of his fears at the ice court and all that followed. more than anything, his determination (his courage) has firmed, with someone to challenge him to best this and reward him when he does. he curls his tongue around nikolai’s fingertip, imagining what he’s about to do — what he very much wants to do, desire molten in his veins. ]
Every part. [ an immediate reply, given in a rush of air, helpless and true. ] All of you. Just you, Nikolai. [ hadn’t he said that already, in a drowned haze on the shore? kaz meant it then, and he means it now, echoing the squeeze of his hand. does everyone touch like this? a constant, comforting point of taction. surely most barrel residents refrain from such softness. ] I’ve never — [ wanted anyone like this, all-consuming, immolating. don’t. ] Not this.
[ a lesser truth, fragmentary as all his others. nevermind that nikolai already knows he won't have done this for anyone else. kaz drags his trousers down his legs, paler than the rest of him. despite his attempts at memorising these hidden parts of nikolai, he’s never been this lucid or focused before. his gaze roves every inch of him, settling on his cock. the spike of want for exactly this shocks him. his breathing shallows, voice low. ]
But I’ve wanted to all day. And before that. [ a taste of the fantasies that have filled this room, this bed, before nikolai occupied it himself. lying between his legs, he anchors their linked hands on nikolai’s thigh and inclines his head to lick at the tip of his cock. you'll be fine. thinks that even if he’s miserable at this, it probably won’t take much to get either of them off. just as nikolai did, he kisses along the underside, tasting salt and sweat but not — the other thing. rot. it shouldn’t surprise him that this touch fails to ruin everything, but it does. although he doesn’t believe in gods or saints, he knows how the world punishes those who want too much.
his legs finally relax, spine smoothing out. a flick of his shark’s gaze back to nikolai as he repeats the same trick as last time, dragging his tongue over his palm before grasping the root of nikolai’s cock. a few quick pumps, thumb swiping wetness from the head to slick his grip. nothing left to do but inhale a shivery breath and guide it into his waiting mouth. his eyes shutter, closing out one sensory pathway, even though sight helps him hold the present moment. kaz swallows him down partway, meeting his hand in the middle. isn’t sure about restricting his airways, letting his breath come and go, but he likes the heft on his tongue, pressing back to better feel the shape of it, different from nikolai’s fingers. heat radiates out from the base of his spine.
he pulls off with a low groan, nimble fingers taking the place of his mouth. ]
Want to give you everything back. [ hurried now, even hoarser than usual, expression cracked open. ] Anything you want. [ even with so little of himself left, latched away in cold, dark corners long ago. but you can’t go to ravka, not with someone who can’t keep him or be kept in turn. saints, he wants very badly to let nikolai have and discard him, anyway. if he went, kaz could kiss him in the water he likes so much, in the sun that burnishes nikolai but pinks his skin. focus. kaz leans forward to lick up and down his length again. more confident taking it in his mouth for the second time, relaxing his jaw and managing a deeper glide. ]
no subject
his eyes slip shut when wet, nimble fingers work him over, and a rush of breath escapes him when kaz's mouth takes over, feeling him out with careful, measured motions. his mind knows nothing but soft, wet heat, hesitant breaths running along the spit collecting on his cock as kaz tastes him, acclimates himself to the feeling of this. it's overwhelming already — and he knows it must be the same for kaz in more than one way. are the waves lapping at his feet at such close, intimate contact? different from kissing, different from touching. he tightens their clasped hands. ]
Good. [ he slips a hand into his hair, gently brushing it from his eyes, thumb dropping to stroke the stretch of his mouth. ] Just like that. It's good.
[ and it is. he's achingly hard just from this, their eyes briefly meeting when kaz speaks in his scrape of coarse gravel, made rougher with desire. a hefty promise that stills the breath in his lungs. he wants to say that he didn't do any of this to get anything in return, that he wanted for kaz to experience touch and pleasure and the fulfillment of the desires caged within him. that he wanted to kiss him and hold him and take him apart. still does, maybe always will. he swallows, a hard groan in his throat when kaz's mouth descends upon him again, sinking him deeper into his cavernous heat. fingers curling in his hair, he lifts his hips gently and guides kaz into a careful rhythm, pausing between each glide past his lips, watching him through the flutter of his sandy lashes. ]
I've never — [ he exhales, a soft shudder as he eases his cock out, glistening and swollen past kaz's flushed lips. he's had countless mouths on him over the years, boys and girls in warm beds and dark corners of seaside taverns and once in the back of a lecture hall, hurriedly between classes, but nothing has ever felt quite like this. nothing so tenuous, so quietly fevered, so much more than just pleasure drawing him into this. a tinge of pink flushes kaz's cheeks, concentration pulling at his brows. he licks his lips, hungry to kiss him. ] It's never felt like this with anyone else. Just you. Open, just a little more.
[ his hand heavy in kaz's hair, he carefully eases him down, brows tightening as his cock slides deeper, deeper. his hips shake as his head falls back, breath hissing through his teeth, holding kaz down for a long moment before letting him go, his chest heaving around a gasp. his fingers blindly cradle his cheek, legs bonelessly falling open. ] Fuck. You can — stop if it's too much. It's okay.
no subject
with his hips twitch against the covers and cock straining in his trousers, he would shuck them off, if his attention weren’t narrowed to nikolai, determined to follow his guiding hand and gentle instructions. widening the set of his jaw, pushing himself farther, kaz breathes deeply around him. waits again for the honeyed smell of him to transmute into something sickening. it doesn’t. water ekes at the corner of his eyes, an almost entirely foreign sensation.
a shuddery inhale as he lifts off, sure fingers splaying to fill the slick space behind, fervent strokes to keep nikolai teetering at the edge. kaz weighs the risks, competitive and adoring impulses dovetailing into a rough plan. his eyes slant, a damn near glare — ]
S’not too much. [ bereft of his mouth, kaz smears a kiss at the back of his hand. when he tilts his head upwards to better see nikolai — the attractive arch of his neck and chest both begging to be kissed, touched — his features soften. ] You can’t be. [ it seems vital to tell him that, eyes huge and dark. his touch is trusted (maybe always will be), though the tide continues rocking beneath them and crashing over him. ]
Push me again. [ the tension dissipates from his body, rolling from his shoulders down to his calves, enveloped by nikolai’s attention. kaz swallows as much of his cock as he can manage, the taste familiar and almost good, sucking in a breath without meaning to but, oh, that works too. a pleased little moan. with nikolai’s help, it’s easier — true of many things, at this point — angling back when necessary to pant an open breath, then returning to meet the needy hitches of his hips with his mouth, holding on command. he shifts his hand, rubbing his thumb over the inside of nikolai’s thigh before dragging back to tease his balls.
when he senses nikolai coming apart, his grip on their clasped fingers tightens, urging him onward with quick pulls of his mouth. kaz anticipates a bitter taste, and he isn’t wrong, a startled noise caught in his throat as nikolai jerks into the clutch of his jaw. more stinging water in his eyes. eases off half a second too early but his tongue darts out, quick to make up for it. only stops when nikolai slackens in his hands, rubbing an arm over his face in a haphazard, instinctive movement, white spots still freckling one corner of his mouth. a little dazed despite the flames licking at his insides and pulse skidding under the skin, kaz tips his head into nikolai’s thigh, cognition working furiously to imprint the image of nikolai undone on the backs of his eyelids. his lips feel raw, sensitive, not unlike the satisfying overexertion that follows a perfect score. ]
no subject
he doesn't push as hard as he wants to, doesn't try to teach kaz the trick of allowing the tip of his cock to touch the back of his throat — far too much for a first time, impolite to potentially choke him so soon. maybe there will be another time. he's been lucky to this point, and kaz has been open to so much already, soaking it all in like a sponge and learning far faster than nikolai ever expected. even now he bows his head in time to his hips, holding him in his mouth, lips tight and tongue curled sweetly around him, then drags up for a breath with nikolai's fingers tugging at his hair. he watches in a daze until he can't anymore, pleasure mounting, kaz's wandering fingers doing that same little trick that he did earlier back at the cave, drawing a keening moan from his lips. saints, it's too much, the heat of his mouth and the touch of his hand and the feeling of him nestled between his legs like this. his fingers flex in their clasped grip, dragging in ragged gasps of air as a tremor overtakes him, almost, almost, and kaz tips him over with his mouth, the force of his climax spreading through him like hot rivers of melted gold.
what is kaz doing? whatever it is, he doesn't want it to stop. his soft mouth, warm flicks of his tongue. nikolai goes boneless against the sheets, realizing for the first time that they're in a bed. a breath heaves out of him, eyelids heavy while shivers dance over his heated skin. something soft at his thigh. kaz, resting there like he's a pillow, eyes shut. he huffs out a laugh, tugging at his hand. ]
Come here. [ he draws him up, hands cradling his flushed face, carefully thumbing at the moisture having collected at the corners of his eyes, sticking to his dark lashes. his mouth, reddened and plump, the prelude of an ache in his perfect jaw later. he pulls him into a breathless kiss, parting his lips with his tongue to press it gently into his mouth. it's slow and deep, one hand trailing down the curve of his spine, fitting at the small of his back, tracing circles into his skin. ] Let me do this for you. Up. Get undressed.
[ he's insistent, pulling kaz up onto his knees so he can hastily open his trousers, pushing them down and lending a clumsy hand as he has him strip them off. satisfaction hums through him, warm and relaxed, and when he's naked he pulls kaz even higher, maneuvering him so he's spread with one knee pressed to either side of nikolai's pillow, positioned directly above him. he can tell kaz feels exposed, so he's quick to reach up and curl his hands around his thighs, slowly pulling him down as he eagerly tilts his chin higher, easing the tip of his cock into his waiting mouth — already hard from before, aching for attention that nikolai is all too happy to give. his tongue laps out, a soft groan in his throat. ]
Just relax, Kaz. [ his finds his hand again, a familiar anchor, kissing the inside of his thigh and nosing at his soft, untouched skin. ] I'll make you feel good. What you deserve.
[ he takes him into his mouth again, nudging his hips down to get all of him, and drags his lips firmly along his length, up and down in hard strokes. then he eases kaz into his throat, a choked groan, a spring of tears in his eyes as he swallows and pulls back with a shuddering breath. only a quick moment to fill his lungs before he greedily devours his cock again, eyes slipping shut as he loses himself in the heady scent and velvety weight, in the fine tremors he can feel just beneath kaz's skin. ]
no subject
by the time nikolai urges him out of his clothes, he’s shivery and sensitive, keyed up on arousal and nerves. immediately, it’s too much, more exposed than he’s ever been, but then this (nikolai) has been too much from the start. (nikolai suddenly touching him all over when he’d only ever thought of their hands.) it isn’t just that nikolai is seeing all of him for the first time, it’s the realisation that nikolai has, in fact, seen him for much longer than that. unsteady on shaky knees, core trembling with need, nikolai’s hazel eyes peel back his pale skin. bit dramatic. not ashamed, no, the flat muscles of his stomach tensing — just overwhelmed.
grateful more than ever for nikolai’s darting pace, his clever tongue on kaz’s cock jolting a gasp from his mouth. eyes shuttering, vision distorting. just relax, kaz calls him back. the kiss inside his thigh both feels like payback and not, teasing but comforting, too. features disarmed and open, his gaze flits down to nikolai looking altogether satiated yet hungry. what you deserve, a precise, quick slash that cuts deeper than he knows. hardly has time to think about it, enveloped by his mouth, but it’ll smart later. no one deserves anything, and he certainly doesn’t deserve this, nikolai’s devoted attentions — but he could work to be more deserving of it, at least. he could go to ravka. maybe he will, if nikolai asks him again in the morning. his hands sweeps over nikolai’s shoulder, up the column of his throat, feather-light under his jaw. ]
Know you will. [ voice full of bass, warmed by nikolai’s efforts to console him without coddling. could have said know you and left it there, an unwavering reason for trusting him. ]
[ his hand gentles into nikolai’s hair, grip firming as he pushes into that slick heat. a whimper slips from his mouth. he alternates between looking down at nikolai in awe and squeezing his eyes shut, mind sinking and floating in turn. dimly aware that he’s been effectively rendered useless by this impressive display of — imagination? expertise? on another level, it’s annoying that he’s been distinctly outclassed, shown up by his royal show off. something he’ll fix in future. presently, he doesn’t stand a chance, keening low in his throat as nikolai sets a deep, relentless pace. his hips arch desperately into nikolai’s mouth. ]
Fuck, Nikolai. Nik — ah. [ always his name in place of sweeter words. won’t beg, allowing only a pleading note for what nikolai is already giving him and clinging to his hand. ] Don’t know how much more I can — [ prying his eyes open to see the way his cock disappears into nikolai’s pink mouth and flashing hot. not long then, a tumult of filthy noises, harsh breathing, staccato moans. it’s an exhilarating rush to his climax, kaz tipping over the jagged ledge to come incredibly fast and intense, broken cry unrestrained. feels a bit like falling, really, except he has a safe place to land. the rigid line of his spine melts, aching thighs spreading wider, softer until he gathers himself.
after sliding his softening cock from nikolai's mouth, kaz swings his good leg off, so he can tip onto his back. the inelegant move faintly irritates old and new wounds. worth it to lie flat, though, regardless of whether nikolai’s been tuckered out for once. no need to unlink their hands, when he’d just join them again, anyway. instead, he slides a palm over his face, fingers carding back through his mussed hair in an attempt to recalibrate. the blue waters of his eyes eventually calm while turned to the ceiling, before alighting on nikolai with a tilt of his cheek into the sheets. ]
I’ll admit I haven’t thought of exactly that before, either. [ delivered across evening breaths, still recovering. ]
no subject
then he's laid out beside him, both of them a mess of worn bodies and humming pleasure. i'll admit. such a precise observation, kaz choosing his words as carefully as always. nikolai smiles a fool's grin at the wooden ceiling, unsure if the rocking he feels is from his ship or a trick of his head. when he glances over his heart leaps into his throat at the sight of kaz's eyes turned onto him, impossibly blue and so still, his own little piece of sky. ]
Then next time — [ he turns, settling onto his side and tucking kaz closely against him, his forehead pressed to his temple as he closes his eyes, fingers trailing down his hip. ] Let's try something you have thought about before. Something you've wanted only in the dark that you haven't told me of.
[ another challenge, but one he doesn't have to meet right away. it's dangerous to lie here like this, sated and warm, mixing brandy and orgasms, the taste of kaz still strongly on his tongue. he searches out his lips for a languid kiss, their fingers still twined together, sweat slicking their skin. dangerous indeed. it's suddenly the worst thought in the world that this moment will have to end, that he'll have to be banished back to his own quarters — alone, as he always is, cold chains biting in his wrists, the bitter taste of death on his tongue to drag him down into cold darkness. so different from the warmth he feels now, the heat of kaz's skin, the pulse of his heartbeat and the gentle rise and fall of his breath. there's none of that waiting for him when he closes his eyes. sleep has become such an ugly, frightful thing, something he dreads and longs for at once, longs for the way it used to be, peppered with nightmares since his early days at war, but nothing like this.
he exhales into kaz's good shoulder, a shudder passing through him. ] Don't make me go. [ another breath, his words slurred with drink or exhaustion or just his fear getting the better of him. he turns his face into the softness of his throat, nosing beneath his ear, sucking a messy kiss there that's sure to leave a bruise behind. kaz can easily get it tailored away. knows he won't. his voice turns thin and desperate, quietly pressed into his skin. ] Let me stay. Please. It's like dying. Every night. Can't... can't keep doing it. [ he can. he will. he always finds a way even if it makes him miserable. it's his most enduring trick. ] Just make it permanent.
no subject
at least kaz notices now when nikolai is about to kiss him, mouth parting, tongue pressing back. already leaning in for another, hand splaying at his jaw and thumb stroking over his cheek. useless thoughts clatter inside him, cavernous mind illuminated by the afterglow of nikolai’s attentions. tell him. what? that he’s good and brilliant and brave? that the darkness, the depths will always have a hold on kaz, but not one so strong that he can’t drag himself into the light and give nikolai the things he deserves. a few days in the sun, a peaceful trip to the water. you don’t know what will follow you out, monstrous things unfit for a shared life. he can’t tame them all, but he could use them to protect nikolai, if that’s what he wanted.
nikolai fits into his shoulder, like the twist of a pick in a lock, and kaz inhales. how many times has he said you know i and finished the thought inadequately? he remembers how inej knew so little of his affections, even when all he could do was think of her. this time, kaz gathers what he can, and — and — nikolai speaks first.
the request carves him open, more fateful than a dagger plunged between them. the fragile possibility of a confession breaks under the weight of the blow. no easy answer comes in its place, though kaz knows he must be denied. his thoughts are scattered by nikolai marking him. a soft sound at the sensation of it, the very thought of it. would it be so terrible to let nikolai have everything he wants? yes. nikolai’s next words scrape the rungs of his ribs. he had known it was agony, abstractly, but to hear the nightmare made reality, like dying every night — kaz squeezes his hand and winds an arm around his back, pressing him closer, closer, closest despite the decay threatening every point of contact. practice holds the shake from his voice. ]
You can keep doing it, you will. Hang on just a little while longer. For me. [ never has please been so close to the tip of his tongue, knocking at his teeth. kaz tilts his head aside to look at nikolai, untangling their hands to cup his jaw and marvelling at how it fits perfectly against his palm. ] You know I won’t fail.
[ does nikolai know? this comfort is built for jesper and inej, the only others he’d take in his hands. whether they were frightened or unsure, kaz knows they would nod, all the faith he has in them turned back on him. but nikolai is different, noticing his mistakes, trying to send kaz away despite his belief that they can find the heart and bring the demon to a heel together. the timeline of nikolai’s suffering tracks along the darkling’s own. it will work, his gut and mind trusted over the doubts of others.
kaz kisses him again, pleading with the desperate pull of his tongue. the fierceness of it pushes his nose into nikolai’s cheek. when they part, he tips their foreheads together once more. ]
Have you wondered why my crows say no mourners, no funerals? [ hushed in his ear, fingers gentling through his hair, soothing at the nape of his neck. jordie must have done that for him, once. he continues without pause. ] It’s because people like me, like them, are as alone in this world as the next. And we always will be. Without families, friends, country. [ if he died, ketterdam would wash his blood off the cobblestones with slats of rain. ] No one will bury us under marble, or leave flowers to remember us. [ they’re nothings, except to each other. he thinks of nina carrying matthias all the way to fjerda, his body lying beneath the snow, never to be visited except in talk and memory. ] So it means good luck. And I promise I won’t die. Not today, not yet. [ he brushes a kiss over nikolai’s cheek. ]
I’ll come find you in the morning, like I always do. [ like he has regardless of whether nikolai opened his skin or heart the night before. ] I’ll kiss the wretched tonic from your mouth. And if you ask me to go to Ravka — [ his breath catches, choking on the truth. ] I’ll say yes.
no subject
he kisses him wordlessly, feeling the plea behind each movement of his mouth, the desperate flick of his tongue. his eyes feel too heavy to open again, but he does all the same, fluttering gently, a sigh pulled from his throat as kaz's fingers slide carefully through his hair, a gesture so intimate he must have learned it elsewhere. someone else touched him this way, a distant thought. it makes him glad. he wasn't always untouched, wasn't always alone. ]
I would remember you. [ whispered back immediately. he brushes their mouths together again, greedy, fingers tracing the length of his spine. knows what kaz is saying but fixates on something else entirely because it's easier to hold onto this than to his dwindling hope. ] I'd build you a tower of marble kruge and have fresh thorny flowers tossed at it daily to pay respects to your memory.
[ from somewhere deep inside, he finds a tired smile. fits his armor back into place. kaz's promises hold so much weight — too much weight than he has any right to ask for. it's been too long that the people he cares for have had to shoulder burdens that should be uniquely his. zoya, wrangling him back night after night. isaak, dying wearing his face. genya, losing david in an attack he failed to stop. how long will this job go on, and how much more will kaz bleed for it? for him? and still he curls into him, holding those promises close because he needs them too badly to do the right thing and put a stop to this. ]
You were mad at me when I first came in here. [ he huffs out a quiet laugh, his thumb gently stroking his cheek. no need to think about what's coming when he has kaz — naked — in his arms like this. there will be plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts, trying to keep his childish fears at bay. he expels a breath, trying and failing to keep his eyes open. ] Say yes now. Give me — [ he swallows, his heart thudding in his chest again. ] I think about you, in Ravka. Us. I have a laboratory there I want you to visit. Those submersibles I threatened The Wraith with, I want to show you one. I want to take you flying. I know I've said Ravka will find a way to bleed you dry, but there are good things there, too. I want to show you them. I want Genya to throw a party at the Grand Palace for no reason other than so we can slip away behind a staircase and do very scandalous things to each other. I want... give me these things to hold onto, and I'll be all right. Promise me a moonlight kiss on the terrace in my bedchambers, and I'll go peacefully to my death tonight. If not, I'll fall asleep here and make you carry me.
no subject
[ mildly, ] Lucky that no amount of melancholy or morbidity can rid you of sentiment. [ a faint sort of amusement curving his mouth, but there’s a wariness, too — of nikolai pretending for his sake. the haphazard stitching of his wounds, physical and emotional, may yet cause more damage in the long run than letting them hurt. ] My grudges keep well in the icy climate.
[ gaze narrowing a smidge even as he leans into the cup of nikolai’s hand. yes, he was mad and slowly distracted. no, he hasn’t forgotten. kaz allowed nikolai to make the call today as a concession to the immediacy of his injuries and nikolai’s agreement to stop fighting his presence on the job. won’t be grounded a second time, however. no one has his crow’s eyes, his accelerant mind. it has to be him, taking the pieces of this jagged puzzle in his hands. he’s the only one who will do whatever it takes to solve it.
when nikolai asks him to say yes again (flat on his back, arm still curled protectively around nikolai, hand soft at his neck), he shutters his eyes, his earnest expression suddenly too much to swallow. give me — his blues flash sideways to catch nikolai slipping. what? hope? a reason not to die? he supposes they’re the same. unsurprising. heart-rending. a blade is no less sharp for you having anticipated its slash. over the years, kaz has given the desolate and destitute hope in the form of opportunity: a deal to make back their stolen money, salvage their reputation, or change their miserable lives forever. never has he held someone’s hope inside him. how would a hollow, cracked thing like him keep it alive?
i think about you, us kicks up the rhythm of his aching heart. the singular is one thing, the plural feels like a leap into the same perilous seas he’d had in mind before nikolai spoke. plenty of criminals in ketterdam have sweethearts — from anika with her kaelish soprano to rollins’ vulture of a lieutenant, who fancies a merchling prone leaving his a spare key in the flower pot by the door. all weak points, open to exploitation. nikolai had turned that trick on him, too, leveraging inej’s safety on the open water. and what if a little lion learned of this? ]
I think about us, too. [ a barely audible whisper, sneaking past his parted lips. ] No one’s ever asked so much of me. [ does nikolai understand what it would mean, to let him have those parts of himself? rusted and unused, hastily relearning tenderness in the days and weeks with him now; unspooling an endless thread of want every time they meet. kaz promised him anything, everything he wanted, but nikolai has a greater imagination for the exact manner of delivery. impossible not to be drawn into the shimmering dream, tinted rosy by moments orchestrated for the sake of having them and not for anything else. a tour of the much-rumoured ravkan laboratory and no buyer to thank him for the intelligence, a party attended without jewels to steal, a disappearing trick only so that they might be together in public and in secret. kaz never would have though to ask for all that — for anything more than this. the hand splayed at nikolai’s neck guides him into the crook of kaz's shoulder. ]
But it’s yours, if you ask when morning comes. [ almost qualifies it, if you want me, but he can’t, throat flooded with all the feeling he has for nikolai, worry crashing over want, both pushing down his swollen heart. ] You’re not as heavy as you think.